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2. More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that increasing the price of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

2. More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that increasing the price of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, an increasing number of humans are experiencing being overweight. From my point of view, I partly agree with the idea that raising the price of foods is detrimental to health will solve this issue.
On the one hand, I can't deny that increasing the price of fattening foods brings a lot of benefits. Firstly, directly reduce attractiveness in unhealthy products such as fattening food, junk food,….Thanks to that, unhealthy products lose competitive advantage in the market due to high price, affecting the people’s spending. Secondly, it’s an effective tool to discourage producers from developing other products. With increased input materials as well as stringent policy will lead to reduced profit. Thirdly, raising price fattening foods that indirectly form habits in transition from this product to healthy product. Instead of choosing ready-made food, humans are prone to cook at home with available materials.
On the other hand, there are some solutions to mitigate this problem. Initially, increasing awareness about harmful effects of unhealthy foods as well as the importance of a healthy lifestyle. Running the health awareness campaign on social media such as TV, FB, Zalo,…to spread variety to the general public. Besides, strong investment to enhance quality as well as packaging of healthy food is the smart solution. Alongside quality, products with attractive packaging are clarity that attract the attention of customers when purchasing, especially among the younger generation. Enforcing a policy on tax promotion with healthy foods to transform them into the competitive product in the market.
In Conclusion, with all reasons analyzed above, I partly agree with the idea that increasing the price of fattening foods will solve this problem.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Nowadays, an increasing number of humans are experiencing being overweight." -> "Currently, there is a rising prevalence of overweight individuals."
    Explanation: The use of "humans" is too formal in this context. Replacing it with "individuals" maintains formality while being more appropriate. "Experiencing being overweight" can be more concisely stated as "a rising prevalence of overweight."

  2. "From my point of view, I partly agree with the idea that raising the price of foods is detrimental to health will solve this issue." -> "I partially agree that increasing food prices to improve health could address this issue."
    Explanation: "From my point of view" is more casually expressed and can be replaced with "I." Also, the sentence structure is improved for clarity and conciseness.

  3. "Firstly, directly reduce attractiveness in unhealthy products such as fattening food, junk food,…" -> "Firstly, it directly reduces the appeal of unhealthy products, such as fattening and junk foods."
    Explanation: The phrase "directly reduce attractiveness" is awkward. Replacing it with "directly reduces the appeal" is clearer and more formal. Also, specifying the unhealthy products in a list is better accomplished by mentioning them separately.

  4. "Thanks to that, unhealthy products lose competitive advantage in the market due to high price, affecting the people’s spending." -> "Consequently, unhealthy products lose their competitive edge in the market due to increased prices, impacting consumer spending."
    Explanation: "Thanks to that" is informal; "Consequently" is a more formal alternative. Replacing "competitive advantage" with "competitive edge" maintains clarity while being more succinct.

  5. "With increased input materials as well as stringent policy will lead to reduced profit." -> "The combination of elevated input costs and strict policies will likely result in decreased profits."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper structure and uses "With" inappropriately. Revising it for better coherence and accuracy provides a more formal tone.

  6. "raising price fattening foods that indirectly form habits in transition from this product to healthy product." -> "Elevating the prices of fattening foods indirectly encourages a shift in habits from these products to healthier alternatives."
    Explanation: "Raising price fattening foods" lacks proper syntax. Using "raising the prices of fattening foods" is more grammatically correct. Additionally, rephrasing for clarity and coherence enhances the sentence’s formality.

  7. "Running the health awareness campaign on social media such as TV, FB, Zalo,…" -> "Implementing health awareness campaigns on various social media platforms like television, Facebook, and Zalo…"
    Explanation: "Running the health awareness campaign" is more informal. Replacing it with "Implementing health awareness campaigns" maintains formality. Also, listing social media platforms individually enhances clarity and formality.

  8. "products with attractive packaging are clarity that attract the attention of customers when purchasing" -> "Products with appealing packaging enhance customer attention during purchase."
    Explanation: The phrase "are clarity that attract" lacks coherence and formal structure. Simplifying the sentence while maintaining the intended meaning improves its formality and clarity.

  9. "In Conclusion, with all reasons analyzed above…" -> "In conclusion, considering all the aforementioned reasons…"
    Explanation: "In Conclusion" should not be capitalized in the middle of a paragraph. Replacing it with "In conclusion" adheres to academic writing conventions. Also, specifying "considering all the aforementioned reasons" improves the formality and clarity of the transition to the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "From my point of view, I partly agree with the idea that raising the price of foods is detrimental to health will solve this issue."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in expressing your position on the topic. It seems there is a confusion in the wording, making it challenging for the reader to discern your stance. To enhance this, explicitly state whether you agree or disagree in the introduction and briefly outline your main supporting points. For instance, "I partially agree that increasing the price of unhealthy foods can address the issue of rising obesity. In this essay, I will discuss both the positive and negative aspects of this proposition."
    • Improved example: "I partially agree that increasing the price of unhealthy foods can address the issue of rising obesity. In this essay, I will discuss both the positive and negative aspects of this proposition, providing a balanced perspective."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, directly reduce attractiveness in unhealthy products such as fattening food, junk food,….Thanks to that, unhealthy products lose competitive advantage in the market due to high prices, affecting people’s spending."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The first supporting point lacks depth and clarity. While you mention the reduced attractiveness of unhealthy products, there is limited elaboration on how this directly affects people’s spending. To improve, provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate how increased prices lead to changes in consumer behavior. For example, you could discuss how a price increase might influence individuals to choose healthier, more affordable alternatives.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, a rise in the price of unhealthy products, such as fattening and junk foods, directly diminishes their attractiveness to consumers. This shift in consumer preferences, driven by economic considerations, results in individuals opting for healthier and more affordable alternatives, ultimately influencing people’s spending habits."
  3. Quoted text: "Alongside quality, products with attractive packaging are clarity that attract the attention of customers when purchasing, especially among the younger generation."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The expression in this sentence is unclear, leading to confusion. It appears there is a language-related issue. To improve, rephrase the sentence to convey a clear message. For example, "In addition to ensuring product quality, attractive packaging plays a crucial role in capturing the attention of customers, particularly among the younger generation."
    • Improved example: "In addition to ensuring product quality, attractive packaging plays a crucial role in capturing the attention of customers, particularly among the younger generation."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a fairly good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas. However, refining the clarity of your introduction and providing more depth in your supporting points can elevate your essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion provide a clear structure to the essay, and the ideas are presented in a logical sequence within paragraphs. The essay makes an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as transition words ("Firstly," "Secondly," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"), contributing to a reasonable flow of ideas. The essay’s organization is acceptable, but there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, impacting the overall coherence. For example, the phrase "raising the price of foods is detrimental to health will solve this issue" lacks clarity and hinders the smooth flow of ideas. Additionally, there are some language issues that may confuse the reader.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance the clarity of sentence structures to avoid mechanical or faulty cohesion. For instance, rephrase sentences like "raising the price of foods is detrimental to health will solve this issue" for better coherence.
  2. Work on using a more varied range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs.
  3. Pay attention to language accuracy and coherence within and between sentences for a smoother overall presentation.
  4. Ensure that referencing and substitution are clear and appropriately used throughout the essay.
  5. Review paragraphing logic to improve overall organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary, providing a range of words and expressions related to the topic. There is evidence of an attempt to use less common vocabulary and a variety of words, contributing to flexibility and precision. The candidate successfully conveys ideas and arguments with clarity. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "experiencing being overweight," which could be improved for smoother expression. Despite these errors, the vocabulary remains sufficient for the task, allowing flexibility and precision in conveying the message.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the candidate should focus on refining word choice and collocation. Instead of "experiencing being overweight," a more concise phrase like "facing obesity" could be employed. Additionally, attention to minor errors, such as "raising the price of foods is detrimental to health," could be improved by stating "raising the price of unhealthy foods." Striving for more precise and accurate word choices will further elevate the essay’s Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, showcasing an attempt at varied expression. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, yet these errors don’t significantly hinder comprehension. The essay exhibits an understanding of the prompt and attempts to present ideas coherently, but the execution lacks precision and consistency in language usage.

How to improve: To enhance the score, focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and accuracy. Review grammar and punctuation rules, aiming for more consistent and accurate usage. Expand the range of sentence structures by incorporating more complex constructions. Also, aim for a more cohesive essay structure with clearer connections between ideas and arguments. Further practice in constructing complex sentences while ensuring accuracy would elevate the score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are facing the challenge of obesity. From my perspective, I partially agree with the notion that raising the price of unhealthy foods can contribute to solving this issue.

On the positive side, there are undeniable advantages to increasing the cost of fattening foods. Firstly, it directly reduces the appeal of unhealthy products such as junk food. Thanks to this, these products lose their competitive edge in the market due to their higher prices, influencing people’s spending habits. Secondly, it serves as an effective measure to discourage producers from developing more unhealthy options. The combination of increased input costs and stringent policies can lead to reduced profits for producers. Thirdly, the elevated prices of fattening foods can indirectly encourage people to shift their habits towards healthier alternatives. This might manifest as a preference for cooking at home with readily available ingredients instead of opting for ready-made, unhealthy options.

On the flip side, there are alternative measures to address this problem. Initially, raising awareness about the detrimental effects of unhealthy foods and promoting the importance of a healthy lifestyle is crucial. Conducting health awareness campaigns on popular social media platforms like TV, Facebook, and Zalo can effectively reach a wide audience. Additionally, significant investments in improving the quality and packaging of healthy food represent a wise solution. Alongside ensuring quality, products with attractive and clear packaging can capture the attention of customers, especially among the younger generation. Implementing policies that provide tax incentives for healthy foods can transform them into competitive products in the market.

In conclusion, after considering the points mentioned above, I partially agree with the idea that increasing the price of fattening foods can contribute to solving the problem of obesity.

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