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A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

A school of thought holds that mankind should not exploit animals and ought to treat them fairly while the alternative stance asserts that animals should be contributed to human’s needs, such as source of food or for medical purpose. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I partly concur with the latter view.
First and foremost, many individuals assume that under no circumstances can mankind have the rights to exploit animals. Animals also exist as all living creatures in the worlds, they have instinct and feeling as well as human beings. To illustrate, it has been reported that some misfortune dogs in Viet Nam had cried before being sent to the slaughterhouse. Therefore, it would be unfair to exploit animals.
On the other hand, there are those who believe that the contribution of animals to humans’demands is indisputable in a myriad of ways. Animals are one of the most prominent sources for producing foods and also assist human in various fields. For instance,in Viet Nam, people often use buffaloes to cultivate their farming areas or cows are utilized as the main source for producing dairy products. In addition, scientific research needs animal to test new experiments or medicines for the sake of humanity. One such example of this is that some kind of monkeys are being used for testing Covid-19 vaccine, as a result, the vaccine saved thousands of individuals all over the worlds. Therefore, there would be a significant issue for mankind about the lack of not only food supplies but also other paramount fields without the existence of animals.
In conclusion, both sides are justifiable, some people agree with the statement while others disagree with it. However, in my perspective, as long as we exploit animals in a reasonable way, there will be no considerable problems at all.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "mankind" -> "humanity"
    Explanation: Replacing "mankind" with "humanity" is a more inclusive and gender-neutral term, aligning with modern academic language conventions.

  2. "ought to treat them fairly" -> "should treat them ethically and with fairness"
    Explanation: Expanding "ought to treat them fairly" to "should treat them ethically and with fairness" provides a more precise and academically appropriate description of the treatment of animals.

  3. "alternative stance" -> "opposing viewpoint"
    Explanation: Using "opposing viewpoint" instead of "alternative stance" maintains a formal tone and clarity while avoiding ambiguity.

  4. "contributes to human’s needs" -> "serves human interests"
    Explanation: Replacing "contributes to human’s needs" with "serves human interests" enhances the formality of the sentence and provides a clearer expression of the idea.

  5. "all living creatures in the worlds" -> "all living creatures on Earth"
    Explanation: Correcting "worlds" to "Earth" improves the accuracy of the sentence and maintains a formal tone.

  6. "instinct and feeling" -> "instincts and emotions"
    Explanation: Replacing "instinct and feeling" with "instincts and emotions" offers a more accurate and academically appropriate description of animal characteristics.

  7. "some misfortune dogs" -> "certain unfortunate dogs"
    Explanation: Using "certain unfortunate dogs" instead of "some misfortune dogs" is more grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

  8. "had cried before being sent to the slaughterhouse" -> "exhibited distress before being sent to the slaughterhouse"
    Explanation: Replacing "had cried" with "exhibited distress" provides a more precise and formal description of the dogs’ behavior.

  9. "contribution of animals to humans’demands" -> "animals’ contribution to human needs"
    Explanation: Correcting "humans’demands" to "human needs" and rephrasing the sentence enhances clarity and formality.

  10. "prominent sources for producing foods" -> "significant sources of food production"
    Explanation: Replacing "prominent sources for producing foods" with "significant sources of food production" improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "also assist human in various fields" -> "also serve various human purposes"
    Explanation: Using "serve various human purposes" instead of "assist human in various fields" is more precise and formal.

  12. "In addition, scientific research needs animal" -> "Furthermore, scientific research requires the use of animals"
    Explanation: The suggested change provides a more formal and grammatically correct expression of the idea.

  13. "some kind of monkeys" -> "certain types of monkeys"
    Explanation: Replacing "some kind of monkeys" with "certain types of monkeys" is more specific and maintains a formal tone.

  14. "vaccine saved thousands of individuals all over the worlds" -> "vaccine saved thousands of lives worldwide"
    Explanation: Correcting "worlds" to "worldwide" and rephrasing the sentence improves accuracy and formality.

  15. "there will be no considerable problems at all" -> "significant issues can be avoided"
    Explanation: Changing "there will be no considerable problems at all" to "significant issues can be avoided" offers a more formal and precise statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by discussing both views presented in the prompt (whether animals should have the same rights as humans or if they should be used for human needs) and providing the writer’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay could benefit from a clearer and more structured introduction that explicitly mentions both sides of the argument and the writer’s stance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout by indicating that the writer partly agrees with the view that animals should be used for human needs. This stance is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: The essay could further strengthen the clarity of its position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas to some extent. It provides examples and arguments for both sides of the argument, discussing animals’ rights and their contributions to human needs.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed and well-structured examples and arguments. It could also benefit from better organization to ensure a logical flow of ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the question of whether animals should be exploited or have rights. However, it briefly deviates by discussing the emotional reactions of animals in a slaughterhouse in Vietnam, which is somewhat tangential to the main topic.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, the essay should avoid introducing unrelated anecdotes and focus on presenting arguments and evidence directly related to the question.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and addresses both sides of the argument while maintaining a clear position. To improve, it should enhance the depth and organization of its arguments, ensure a more structured introduction, and avoid minor deviations from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information in a clear and logical manner. It starts with an introduction that outlines the two viewpoints and the author’s opinion. Then, it presents arguments from both sides in separate paragraphs, followed by a conclusion summarizing the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the essay’s logical organization. For example, the introduction could provide a more precise thesis statement, and the arguments could be structured more explicitly to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider revising the introduction to provide a clearer and more concise thesis statement that outlines the main points of the essay. Additionally, make sure each body paragraph follows a clear structure, such as presenting the viewpoint, providing evidence or examples, and offering analysis before transitioning to the next point.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments, which is essential for readability. However, some paragraphs are quite long and could be further divided to improve the overall structure and clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, aim for shorter paragraphs that focus on a single point or idea. This will help readers follow the essay’s arguments more easily. For instance, in the paragraph discussing the viewpoint of those who believe animals should not be exploited, consider breaking it into two or more paragraphs to discuss different aspects of their argument separately.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "first and foremost," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). These devices help connect ideas and improve overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in using a wider range of cohesive devices for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun references and use them consistently to avoid confusion. For example, in the sentence, "it has been reported that some misfortune dogs in Viet Nam had cried before being sent to the slaughterhouse," it would be clearer to specify who reported this information and use pronouns consistently throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates good organization and cohesion but could benefit from minor adjustments to enhance clarity and readability. Ensure that the introduction is more focused, use shorter paragraphs for improved structure, and diversify the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some variety in word choices and expressions. For example, it uses words like "exploit," "contribute," "indisputable," and "paramount" to convey ideas. However, there is room for improvement in using a wider and more diverse vocabulary to enhance the essay’s overall richness.
    • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer can explore synonyms and alternative words for commonly used terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "exploit," they can employ phrases like "utilize," "harness," or "make use of." Additionally, incorporating specific and domain-specific vocabulary related to animal rights, agriculture, or scientific research would add depth to the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise word choices. For example, the phrase "contribution of animals to humans’ demands" could be more precisely stated as "animals’ role in meeting human needs." Similarly, the phrase "paramount fields" could be clearer if replaced with "essential areas" or "crucial domains."
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary precision, the writer should carefully choose words that precisely convey their intended meaning. They should avoid using vague or overly general terms when more specific ones are available. It’s essential to use vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended message to enhance clarity and coherence in the essay.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "mankind" instead of "mankind," "demands" instead of "demands," "worlds" instead of "worlds," and "therefore" instead of "therefore." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying close attention to common spelling mistakes. Using spell-check tools and seeking feedback from others can also help identify and correct spelling errors. Consistent practice in writing and editing can lead to improved spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in using a wider vocabulary range, employing words more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling to enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety. Many sentences are structured similarly, leading to a lack of diversity in the essay’s flow. For instance, there is a frequent use of straightforward subject-verb-object sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as compound and complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinating conjunctions and relative clauses. Additionally, varying sentence lengths can improve the overall fluency and readability of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation. For example, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, such as "animals should be contributed" and "animals to humans’demands." Punctuation marks like commas are sometimes misused or missing, affecting sentence clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct subject-verb agreement errors, as well as punctuation mistakes. Additionally, consider using more varied sentence structures to reduce the likelihood of making the same errors repeatedly. Reviewing grammar rules and practicing sentence construction can help improve overall accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable grasp of grammar and sentence structure but could benefit from greater diversity in sentence structures and improved attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

A school of thought maintains that humanity should not exploit animals and should treat them ethically and with fairness, while an opposing viewpoint asserts that animals should serve human interests, such as providing food or being used for medical purposes. In this essay, we will discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I partly agree with the latter view.

First and foremost, many individuals believe that under no circumstances should mankind have the right to exploit animals. Animals are also part of the world’s ecosystem; they possess instincts and emotions just like human beings. To illustrate, there have been reports that certain unfortunate dogs in Vietnam exhibited distress before being sent to the slaughterhouse. Therefore, it would be unfair to exploit animals in such a manner.

On the other hand, there are those who argue that animals contribute significantly to fulfilling various human needs. Animals serve as significant sources of food production and also assist humans in various purposes. For instance, in Vietnam, people often use buffaloes to cultivate their farming areas, and cows are utilized as the main source for producing dairy products. Furthermore, scientific research requires the use of animals to test new experiments or medicines for the sake of humanity. One such example is that certain types of monkeys are used for testing vaccines, like the Covid-19 vaccine, which has saved thousands of lives worldwide. Without the existence of animals, there would be significant issues for mankind not only in terms of food supplies but also in other paramount fields.

In conclusion, both sides of this argument have their justifications, with some people agreeing with the notion of not exploiting animals, while others disagree. However, from my perspective, as long as we exploit animals in a reasonable and ethical manner, significant issues can be avoided, and animals can continue to serve various human purposes.

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