A story
A story
Việt
Anh
nó rất là tối và âm u, thời tiết hôm đó rất là lạnh và mưa, vì là lần đầu tôi về quê, tôi chưa quen con đường đi băng qua cánh rừng vì thế tôi đã bị lạc. vì tôi đi một mình nên lúc đầu tôi đã rất hoảng loạn và sợ hải, tôi đã hét rất to nhưng không một ai đáp lại, khoảng 10 phút sau đó tôi bắt đầu bình tĩnh lại, tôi dùng đèn pin điện thoại, rọi men theo bìa rừng, đi về phía ánh sáng của nhà người dân. Và
it was very dark and gloomy, the weather that day was very cold and rainy, because it was my first time returning to my hometown, I was not familiar with the path through the forest so I got lost. Because I went alone, at first I was very panicked and scared. I shouted very loudly but no one responded. About 10 minutes later, I started to calm down. I used my phone's flashlight to illuminate the glass. Follow the edge of the forest, towards the light of people's houses. And luckily I met a villager, she led me to the main road. That is an unforgettable memory of mine, when someone asked me what is your most memorable memory when returning home. It was mixed with feelings of fear, anxiety and joy when finding the way home
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"Việt Anh" -> "Vietnamese" or "Vietnamese language"
Explanation: "Việt Anh" is not a standard term in English. Using "Vietnamese" or "Vietnamese language" clarifies the reference to the language and is more appropriate for academic writing. -
"nó rất là tối và âm u" -> "it was extremely dark and gloomy"
Explanation: The phrase "nó rất là tối và âm u" is overly colloquial and vague. "It was extremely dark and gloomy" provides a more precise and formal description of the weather conditions. -
"thời tiết hôm đó rất là lạnh và mưa" -> "the weather that day was very cold and rainy"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and informal. The revised version is more concise and maintains a formal tone. -
"vì là lần đầu tôi về quê" -> "since it was my first time returning to my hometown"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and improves readability. -
"Tôi chưa quen con đường đi băng qua cánh rừng" -> "I was not familiar with the path through the forest"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly literal and informal. The suggested revision is more natural and appropriate for academic writing. -
"Tôi đã bị lạc" -> "I got lost"
Explanation: "Tôi đã bị lạc" is a direct translation that may sound unnatural in English. "I got lost" is the standard expression in English. -
"Tôi đi một mình" -> "I was alone"
Explanation: "Tôi đi một mình" is a literal translation that can be awkward in English. "I was alone" is more natural and formal. -
"Tôi đã rất hoảng loạn và sợ hải" -> "I was extremely panicked and scared"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly descriptive and informal. The revision maintains the intensity of the emotions while using more formal language. -
"Tôi đã hét rất to" -> "I shouted very loudly"
Explanation: "Tôi đã hét rất to" is a direct translation that may not be clear in English. "I shouted very loudly" is more precise and natural. -
"không một ai đáp lại" -> "no one responded"
Explanation: "không một ai đáp lại" is a literal translation that can be simplified for clarity and formality. "No one responded" is more direct and appropriate. -
"Tôi dùng đèn pin điện thoại" -> "I used my phone’s flashlight"
Explanation: "Tôi dùng đèn pin điện thoại" is a literal translation that can be simplified for clarity and formality. "I used my phone’s flashlight" is more direct and appropriate. -
"rọi men theo bìa rừng" -> "I followed the edge of the forest"
Explanation: "Rọi men theo bìa rừng" is a literal translation that may not be clear in English. "I followed the edge of the forest" is more natural and precise. -
"And luckily I met a villager" -> "Fortunately, I met a villager"
Explanation: "And luckily" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Fortunately" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. -
"she led me to the main road" -> "she guided me to the main road"
Explanation: "Led" is correct but "guided" is more specific in this context, indicating a more deliberate and careful direction. -
"That is an unforgettable memory of mine" -> "This is an unforgettable memory of mine"
Explanation: "That" is less formal and less precise than "This," which is more appropriate for referring to the preceding narrative. -
"It was mixed with feelings of fear, anxiety and joy" -> "It was a mix of fear, anxiety, and joy"
Explanation: "Mixed with" is less formal and slightly awkward in this context. "A mix of" is more concise and formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the narrative aspect of the prompt, recounting a personal experience of getting lost and subsequently finding the way home. It describes the initial fear and panic, the use of a flashlight to navigate, and the eventual encounter with a villager who helps find the path back to safety.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that every aspect of the prompt is fully integrated into the narrative. While the essay effectively describes the experience of being lost and finding the way home, it could further explore how this experience impacted the author’s understanding of homecoming or reflect on broader themes related to returning home after a long absence.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear narrative stance throughout, detailing the sequence of events from getting lost to being guided back by a villager. The author’s perspective on the experience is consistent and easily discernible.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, consider explicitly stating the emotional and psychological impact of the experience on the author. This could deepen the reader’s engagement with the narrative and provide additional insights into the significance of the story.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the main idea of getting lost and finding the way home effectively. It extends this idea by describing the emotions of fear, panic, relief, and joy. Support is provided through specific details such as using a phone flashlight and encountering a helpful villager.
- How to improve: To further develop ideas, consider elaborating on the emotional journey in more detail. Describe the surroundings in a way that enhances the atmosphere of fear and isolation initially felt, and then contrast this with the relief and gratitude upon finding the way back.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by focusing on the experience of getting lost and subsequently finding the way home. However, there are minor instances where the narrative drifts slightly, such as mentioning it was the author’s first time returning to their hometown without further elaboration.
- How to improve: To maintain strict adherence to the topic, ensure that every detail contributes directly to the central theme of getting lost and finding one’s way back. Avoid tangential references that do not directly enhance the narrative of the journey and its emotional impact.
Overall, while the essay effectively captures the essence of a personal journey through descriptive narration and emotional recounting, there is room for deeper exploration of the prompt’s themes and tighter focus on maintaining relevance to the central narrative. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher score by more comprehensively addressing all aspects of the writing task.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically, starting with an introduction to the setting and situation, followed by the narrative of getting lost and eventually finding the way back home. The chronological order of events is maintained, helping readers follow the story easily.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure transitions between different stages of the narrative are smoother. For instance, instead of abruptly moving from describing panic to calmness, consider using transitional phrases like "gradually" or "eventually," which can help connect ideas more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different stages of the story, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the experience: initial panic, the process of calming down, using the phone’s flashlight, encountering a villager, and the reflection on the experience.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, consider expanding on the reflections after finding the villager. This could provide deeper insights into the emotions felt during the experience and add more coherence to the conclusion of the narrative.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as temporal markers ("first," "about 10 minutes later") and causal connectors ("because," "so") are used to connect ideas and events throughout the essay. These help maintain the flow of the narrative and clarify relationships between different parts of the story.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "these"), synonyms ("however," "nevertheless"), and parallel structures ("not only… but also"). These additions can diversify the essay’s linguistic resources and improve overall coherence.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively organizes its content chronologically and utilizes paragraphs to separate different stages of the narrative, there are opportunities to strengthen the logical flow through smoother transitions and to enhance cohesion by diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. These improvements could elevate the coherence and cohesion to an even higher band score in future compositions.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of vocabulary. There are instances where descriptive words such as "dark and gloomy" and "cold and rainy" effectively convey the atmosphere. However, the vocabulary could be more diverse and precise to enhance the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using more nuanced synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using basic descriptors like "dark and gloomy," explore more vivid adjectives or metaphors that evoke a stronger emotional response. Additionally, integrate specialized vocabulary related to the environment and emotions to add depth to your descriptions.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas adequately, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For instance, "hoảng loạn" (panicked) and "sợ hải" (scared) are suitable choices, but there is room for more precise word selection throughout.
- How to improve: Aim for more exact word choices that capture the intended meaning more precisely. For example, instead of "I shouted very loudly," consider "I yelled desperately." This change not only improves clarity but also adds a layer of emotional intensity to the narrative. Reviewing synonyms and learning how certain words are commonly used in context can aid in this improvement.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with only minor errors observed ("rọi men" instead of "rồi mền"). However, attention to detail is crucial to maintain consistency and professionalism in written communication.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading your work carefully. Practicing writing regularly and familiarizing yourself with common spelling patterns can also contribute to minimizing errors.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates competency in lexical resource with a sufficient range of vocabulary and generally accurate spelling, refining vocabulary choice for precision and diversity would elevate the overall quality of expression. Continued practice and exposure to varied vocabulary will support your efforts to achieve higher band scores in future assessments.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic variety of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences dominate, with occasional use of complex structures such as subordinate clauses ("when returning to my hometown," "when someone asked me what is your most memorable memory"). While these contribute to coherence, the variety is limited and repetitive structures diminish stylistic impact.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, integrate more complex sentence structures like complex-compound sentences ("Although it was my first time returning to my hometown, I bravely ventured through the unfamiliar forest path, despite the chilling rain.") and sentences with introductory phrases or clauses ("Despite the darkness and cold rain, my determination to find my way home never wavered."). This will elevate the sophistication of the writing, offering a more engaging narrative flow.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with occasional errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("tôi đã bị lạc"), tense consistency ("it was very dark and gloomy, the weather that day was very cold and rainy"), and article usage ("an unforgettable memory of mine"). Punctuation errors include missing commas in compound sentences ("I shouted very loudly but no one responded.") and inconsistent capitalization ("Because I went alone, at first I was very panicked and scared.").
- How to improve: Focus on correcting verb forms for consistency in tense ("I was lost" instead of "I đã bị lạc"), ensure articles are used correctly ("a villager" instead of "an villager"), and practice placing commas correctly in compound sentences ("I shouted very loudly, but no one responded."). Additionally, review the use of capitalization at the beginning of sentences and after punctuation marks to ensure consistency throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively communicates the narrative, enhancing sentence variety and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation will elevate the essay’s quality and coherence, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Viet’s story recounts a memorable experience during his return to his hometown. It was a very cold and rainy day, and since it was his first time back, he wasn’t familiar with the path through the forest, which led to him getting lost. Being alone, he was initially extremely panicked and scared, shouting loudly, but receiving no response. After about 10 minutes, he began to calm down and used his phone’s flashlight to follow the forest’s edge towards the light of nearby houses. Fortunately, he encountered a villager who guided him to the main road. This experience remains unforgettable for Viet, a mix of fear, anxiety, and joy upon finding his way home.
