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Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that the surge in binge eating is detrimental as well as smoking, which has received a great deal of public attention. Whether advertising has adverse consequences on eating habits and should be forbidden similarly to cigarettes or not. Although this trend will undoubtedly have some negative impacts, I believe that the benefits of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks.

Admittedly, the eating habits of today’s generations rely more on fast food rather than on home-cooked meals. It is elementary to see this situation in developed countries, a hectic pace of life makes citizens always put fast food which is unhealthy and obesity, as their priority, resulting in saving time and more convenience. In addition, everyone has the fundamental right to choose what they eat. Hence, their choice forces them to consume harmful foods, not advertisements.

It is understandable why some praise the idea that the advertising of certain food products should be banned. In fact, advertising unquestionably influences the thinking and eating habits of viewers. Regardless of health risks, some companies produce and market unhealthy products such as junk food, and ultra-processed products, which are dangerous for the inhabitant’s health. For instance, many advertised snacks contain plenty of calories, which can lead to weight gain; however, they are claimed to contain a special kind of protein that enhances children’s intelligence. Moreover, eye-catching advertising can stimulate eating demands, leading to a loss of control over healthy diets.

In conclusion, with the convincing argument mentioned above, I believe banning advertisements can wield both desired and adverse effects on eating habits. Unlike tobacco advertisements, some food advertisements still have some positive results, so the government needs to be careful when deciding to eliminate advertising from their countries.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is true that the surge in binge eating is detrimental as well as smoking, which has received a great deal of public attention." -> "The increase in binge eating, much like smoking, which has garnered significant public attention, is indeed detrimental."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality, avoiding the use of "true" and providing a more precise structure for the comparison.

  2. "Whether advertising has adverse consequences on eating habits and should be forbidden similarly to cigarettes or not." -> "Whether advertising adversely affects eating habits and should be prohibited, akin to cigarettes, is a topic of consideration."
    Explanation: The revised sentence presents the idea more formally and clearly, avoiding the informal use of "forbidden" and improving the structure for academic tone.

  3. "Although this trend will undoubtedly have some negative impacts, I believe that the benefits of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks." -> "While this trend will undoubtedly have some adverse effects, I contend that the advantages of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks."
    Explanation: Replacing "negative impacts" with "adverse effects" and using "contend" instead of "believe" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression of the author’s position.

  4. "It is elementary to see this situation in developed countries, a hectic pace of life makes citizens always put fast food which is unhealthy and obesity, as their priority, resulting in saving time and more convenience." -> "This situation is evident in developed countries, where a hectic pace of life leads citizens to prioritize unhealthy fast food and contributes to obesity, aiming to save time and increase convenience."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy, improves clarity, and uses more precise language, enhancing the formality of expression.

  5. "In addition, everyone has the fundamental right to choose what they eat. Hence, their choice forces them to consume harmful foods, not advertisements." -> "Furthermore, individuals possess the fundamental right to choose their diet. However, their choices may lead them to consume harmful foods, influenced more by personal decisions than by advertisements."
    Explanation: The revised version refines the expression, making it more formal and avoiding the direct causation implied in the original sentence.

  6. "In fact, advertising unquestionably influences the thinking and eating habits of viewers." -> "Indeed, advertising undeniably influences the cognitive and dietary patterns of viewers."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality of the sentence by using more precise language and avoiding the colloquial "In fact."

  7. "Regardless of health risks, some companies produce and market unhealthy products such as junk food, and ultra-processed products, which are dangerous for the inhabitant’s health." -> "Despite the health risks, some companies produce and market unhealthy products, including junk food and ultra-processed items, posing dangers to the health of the population."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves precision and formality by specifying the types of unhealthy products and restructuring the expression.

  8. "For instance, many advertised snacks contain plenty of calories, which can lead to weight gain; however, they are claimed to contain a special kind of protein that enhances children’s intelligence." -> "For example, numerous advertised snacks are high in calories, potentially contributing to weight gain. Nevertheless, they are often promoted as containing a unique protein that purportedly enhances children’s intelligence."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve clarity and formality by separating the ideas and specifying the nature of the claimed benefits.

  9. "Moreover, eye-catching advertising can stimulate eating demands, leading to a loss of control over healthy diets." -> "Furthermore, attention-grabbing advertising can stimulate cravings, resulting in a loss of control over adherence to healthy diets."
    Explanation: The revision uses more formal language and provides a clearer expression of the idea.

  10. "In conclusion, with the convincing argument mentioned above, I believe banning advertisements can wield both desired and adverse effects on eating habits." -> "In conclusion, considering the compelling arguments presented earlier, I argue that the prohibition of advertisements can yield both positive and negative effects on eating habits."
    Explanation: The revised conclusion maintains formality, avoids the use of "believe," and offers a more nuanced expression of the author’s stance.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Although this trend will undoubtedly have some negative impacts, I believe that the benefits of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The thesis statement presents an opinion without clear delineation of the essay’s structure. To enhance the clarity and coherence, consider briefly outlining the main points that will be discussed. For instance, you could highlight specific benefits and drawbacks of prohibiting advertising and provide a roadmap for the subsequent paragraphs.
    • Improved example: "While acknowledging potential negative impacts, I firmly contend that the advantages of banning advertising surpass the drawbacks. This essay will examine the detrimental effects of advertising on eating habits, explore the potential benefits of its prohibition, and address the complexities involved in implementing such a ban."
  2. Quoted text: "It is elementary to see this situation in developed countries, a hectic pace of life makes citizens always put fast food which is unhealthy and obesity, as their priority, resulting in saving time and more convenience."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point made here is valid regarding the influence of fast-paced lifestyles on food choices. However, the sentence structure and expression could be refined for greater clarity and coherence. Consider breaking this sentence into two parts for better readability. Also, focus on elaborating on how advertising plays a role in promoting fast food consumption, linking it explicitly to the essay prompt.
    • Improved example: "In developed nations, the fast-paced nature of modern life often prioritizes convenience over health, leading individuals to opt for fast food, despite its detrimental effects on health. Advertising plays a pivotal role in endorsing these choices by emphasizing convenience and portraying fast food as a time-saving solution, thereby contributing to the prevalence of unhealthy eating habits."
  3. Quoted text: "For instance, many advertised snacks contain plenty of calories, which can lead to weight gain; however, they are claimed to contain a special kind of protein that enhances children’s intelligence."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The example provided here lacks depth and clarity. While attempting to illustrate the impact of advertising on food choices, the connection between high-calorie snacks and their purported benefits seems unclear and not logically linked. Instead, focus on providing more coherent and relatable examples that directly demonstrate how advertising influences consumer behavior and food choices.
    • Improved example: "Consider advertisements promoting sugary snacks marketed as ‘healthy’ due to added nutrients. Such misleading claims often influence parents to purchase these items, believing they enhance their children’s cognitive abilities. In reality, these snacks primarily contribute to excessive calorie intake, potentially leading to weight gain, rather than offering substantial nutritional benefits."

Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to present arguments. However, there’s room for improvement in structuring arguments more coherently, providing clearer examples that directly connect to the impact of advertising on eating habits, and offering a concise roadmap of the essay’s content in the introduction. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the clarity and depth of your response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion to a moderate extent. The overall organization is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. There is a logical progression of ideas, and the essay maintains focus on the central topic. However, the use of cohesive devices, while effective in some instances, can be faulty or mechanical in others. For instance, the transition between the first and second paragraphs could be smoother. The essay uses referencing adequately but could benefit from more clarity and precision in connecting ideas.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesive Devices: Work on improving the use of cohesive devices to ensure a smoother flow between ideas. Use a variety of transitional words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more seamlessly.

  2. Refine Referencing: Pay careful attention to referencing to ensure that connections between ideas are clear and explicit. This will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay.

  3. Logical Paragraphing: While the essay employs paragraphing, there is room for improvement in logical organization. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are presented in a logical order.

  4. Precision in Language Use: Strive for precision in language use to avoid any ambiguity or confusion. Clear and concise expression will contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively conveys their ideas, though occasional errors in word choice and spelling are present, such as "unhealthy and obesity" instead of "unhealthy eating and obesity." The essay exhibits some awareness of the complexities of the issue, addressing both positive and negative aspects of advertising on eating habits.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on refining word choice and collocation to minimize occasional errors. Additionally, attention to spelling accuracy is crucial. Expanding the range of less common vocabulary and demonstrating a more nuanced understanding of style and collocation can further elevate the lexical richness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is a reasonable range of structures used, though some sentences are awkwardly constructed. The essay contains some errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely impede communication. For example, the phrase "it is elementary to see this situation in developed countries" is somewhat awkward, and there are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "fast food which is unhealthy and obesity."

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the author should aim for greater clarity and precision in sentence construction. Attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of more varied and complex sentence structures would contribute to a higher score. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in grammar and punctuation can further improve the overall accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that the rise in binge eating, akin to the public attention garnered by smoking, prompts consideration of whether advertising negatively affects eating habits and merits restrictions akin to those imposed on cigarettes. While this trend may indeed have some adverse effects, I assert that the advantages of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks.

Undeniably, the dietary choices of today’s generations lean towards fast food over home-cooked meals. This is particularly conspicuous in developed countries, where the frantic pace of life compels citizens to prioritize unhealthy fast food, leading to issues like obesity for the sake of time savings and convenience. It is essential to recognize that individuals possess the fundamental right to choose what they eat, and their dietary decisions are driven by personal choices rather than advertisements.

Some advocate for the prohibition of advertising certain food products, and their stance is understandable. Advertisements undeniably shape the thoughts and eating habits of viewers. Regardless of health risks, certain companies promote and market unhealthy products like junk food and ultra-processed items, posing threats to public health. For instance, many promoted snacks are high in calories, potentially causing weight gain, yet they are misleadingly claimed to contain a special protein that purportedly enhances children’s intelligence. Moreover, visually appealing advertising can stimulate cravings, leading to a loss of control over maintaining a healthy diet.

In conclusion, considering the compelling arguments presented above, I believe that banning advertisements can exert both positive and negative influences on eating habits. Unlike tobacco advertisements, some food advertisements yield positive outcomes, necessitating careful consideration by governments when contemplating the elimination of advertising from their countries.

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