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Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that the surge in binge eating is detrimental as well as smoking, which has received a great deal of public attention. Whether advertising has adverse consequences on eating habits and should be forbidden similarly to cigarettes or not. Although this trend will undoubtedly have some negative impacts, I believe that the benefits of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks.

Admittedly, advertising plays a pivotal role in endorsing fast food choices by emphasizing convenience as a time-saving solution, thereby contributing to the prevalence of unhealthy eating habits. This is predicated that the eating habits of today’s generations rely more on fast food rather than on home-cooked meals. It is elementary to see this situation in developed countries, a hectic pace of life makes citizens always prioritize fast food so that catch up with work progress. In addition, everyone has the fundamental right to choose what they eat. Hence, their choice forces them to consume harmful foods, not advertisements.

It is understandable why some praise the idea that the advertising of certain food products should be banned. In fact, regardless of health risks, some companies produce and market unhealthy products such as junk food, and ultra-processed products, which are dangerous for the inhabitant’s health. This is because eye-catching advertising can stimulate eating demands, influence the thinking and eating habits of viewers, leading to a loss of control over healthy diets. For instance, many advertised snacks contain plenty of calories, which can lead to weight gain and chronic disease; however, they are marketed as healthy nutrients that contain a special kind of protein that enhances children’s intelligence.

In conclusion, with the convincing argument mentioned above, I believe banning advertisements can wield both desired and adverse effects on eating habits. Unlike tobacco advertisements, some food advertisements still have some positive results, so the government needs to be careful when deciding to eliminate advertising from their countries.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "surge" -> "increase"
    Explanation: While "surge" is not incorrect, replacing it with "increase" maintains clarity and fits better within an academic context, avoiding potential ambiguity.

  2. "detrimental" -> "harmful"
    Explanation: "Detrimental" is appropriate, but "harmful" aligns better with an academic tone and is more direct in conveying the negative impact without losing meaning.

  3. "Whether advertising has adverse consequences" -> "Whether advertising has negative implications"
    Explanation: Using "negative implications" provides a more specific and formal phrasing that better suits academic writing, avoiding repetition of "adverse consequences."

  4. "fast food choices" -> "fast food consumption"
    Explanation: This change clarifies that the focus is on the act of consuming fast food rather than the choices themselves, improving precision in language.

  5. "pivotal" -> "significant"
    Explanation: "Pivotal" implies a central role, but "significant" maintains the emphasis while sounding more academic and less colloquial.

  6. "emphasizing convenience as a time-saving solution" -> "emphasizing convenience for time-efficiency"
    Explanation: This rephrasing maintains the meaning while presenting a more refined expression that aligns better with academic style.

  7. "predicated" -> "given that"
    Explanation: "Predicated" is less commonly used in academic contexts; "given that" offers a more formal and widely accepted alternative.

  8. "elementary" -> "clear"
    Explanation: While "elementary" is correct, "clear" offers a more straightforward term without losing the intended meaning.

  9. "catch up with work progress" -> "keep up with work demands"
    Explanation: This change provides a more precise and formal description of the situation without using an informal phrase.

  10. "fundamental right" -> "basic right"
    Explanation: "Fundamental right" is suitable, but "basic right" is equally accurate and aligns better with academic language.

  11. "forces them to consume harmful foods" -> "compels them to consume unhealthy foods"
    Explanation: "Forces" can imply coercion, whereas "compels" is more neutral and appropriate in this context.

  12. "It is understandable why some praise the idea" -> "It is comprehensible why some support the notion"
    Explanation: This substitution offers a more formal and less colloquial alternative to maintain an academic tone.

  13. "produce and market unhealthy products" -> "manufacture and promote unhealthy goods"
    Explanation: "Produce and market" can be replaced with more formal synonyms like "manufacture and promote" without altering the meaning.

  14. "junk food" -> "unhealthy processed food"
    Explanation: While "junk food" is widely understood, using "unhealthy processed food" adds precision and formality to the description.

  15. "inhabitant’s health" -> "population’s health"
    Explanation: "Inhabitant’s health" is grammatically correct but "population’s health" is a more common phrase in academic writing.

  16. "stimulate eating demands" -> "increase the desire to eat"
    Explanation: This phrasing offers a clearer and more straightforward way of expressing the idea.

  17. "leading to a loss of control over healthy diets" -> "resulting in a lack of control over healthy eating habits"
    Explanation: This change provides a more formal and precise description without using an informal expression.

  18. "many advertised snacks contain plenty of calories" -> "many advertised snacks are calorie-dense"
    Explanation: The substitution uses a more concise and academic term ("calorie-dense") while conveying the same meaning.

  19. "they are marketed as healthy nutrients" -> "they are marketed as nutritious"
    Explanation: "Healthy nutrients" is redundant; "nutritious" conveys the same idea in a more concise and academic manner.

  20. "wield both desired and adverse effects" -> "have both positive and negative effects"
    Explanation: The suggested phrase is clearer and more direct in conveying the idea of having both positive and negative outcomes without using an uncommon expression.

  21. "eliminate advertising from their countries" -> "ban advertising within their borders"
    Explanation: This alternative provides a more formal and precise way of expressing the idea while avoiding potential ambiguity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is true that the surge in binge eating is detrimental as well as smoking, which has received a great deal of public attention. Whether advertising has adverse consequences on eating habits and should be forbidden similarly to cigarettes or not. Although this trend will undoubtedly have some negative impacts, I believe that the benefits of prohibiting advertising outweigh the drawbacks."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting a clear stance on the issue. It is essential to clearly state your position in response to the essay prompt. To improve, explicitly mention whether you agree or disagree with the statement that advertising discourages individuality, and provide a brief roadmap of the main points you will discuss in the essay.
    • Improved example: "While the rise in binge eating and smoking has garnered significant public attention, the impact of advertising on our eating habits is a subject of debate. In this essay, I will argue against the idea that advertising discourages individuality, contending that the benefits of allowing advertisements outweigh the drawbacks."
  2. Quoted text: "Admittedly, advertising plays a pivotal role in endorsing fast food choices by emphasizing convenience as a time-saving solution, thereby contributing to the prevalence of unhealthy eating habits. This is predicated that the eating habits of today’s generations rely more on fast food rather than on home-cooked meals. It is elementary to see this situation in developed countries, a hectic pace of life makes citizens always prioritize fast food so that catch up with work progress. In addition, everyone has the fundamental right to choose what they eat. Hence, their choice forces them to consume harmful foods, not advertisements."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you provide a reasonable argument, the development is somewhat unclear, and there is a lack of depth in exploring the idea. To enhance this section, offer more specific examples or personal experiences that support your position. For instance, share a personal anecdote or describe a situation where advertising influenced food choices without restricting personal freedom.
    • Improved example: "Undoubtedly, advertising heavily promotes fast food, emphasizing its convenience in our fast-paced lives. For instance, in my own experience, the constant bombardment of fast-food ads during busy workdays has often swayed my meal choices towards unhealthy options. This demonstrates how advertising impacts our food decisions, subtly steering us toward less nutritious choices."
  3. Quoted text: "In conclusion, with the convincing argument mentioned above, I believe banning advertisements can wield both desired and adverse effects on eating habits. Unlike tobacco advertisements, some food advertisements still have some positive results, so the government needs to be careful when deciding to eliminate advertising from their countries."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion is somewhat repetitive and lacks a concise summary of your main points. To improve, restate your position clearly and provide a brief recap of the key arguments you presented in the body paragraphs. Additionally, consider introducing a forward-looking statement that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while banning advertisements may have both positive and negative effects on eating habits, I firmly believe that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. Governments should exercise caution in implementing such bans, considering the nuanced impact of advertising on individual food choices. As we navigate this complex issue, it is crucial to strike a balance between regulating harmful ads and preserving the freedom of choice for consumers."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion at a moderate level. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, presenting the topic clearly. Each paragraph contains a central topic, but the progression of ideas is not always seamless. While there is an attempt to logically organize information, there are instances where the connection between sentences is weak. The use of cohesive devices is generally effective, but there are some mechanical and faulty instances. The essay employs paragraphing, but it is not consistently logical.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Logical Progression: Work on improving the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure a smoother transition to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  2. Refine Cohesive Devices: Pay attention to the use of cohesive devices, avoiding mechanical or faulty connections. Aim for a more natural integration of linking words and phrases.
  3. Consistent Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph follows a clear organizational structure, with a central topic and logical progression of ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive presentation.
  4. Avoid Repetition: Be mindful of repetitive expressions and ideas. Ensure variety in language use to maintain reader engagement.
  5. Clarify Referencing: Improve the clarity and appropriateness of referencing within the essay. Make sure the relationships between ideas are evident to the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, incorporating some less common lexical items. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but there are instances of inaccuracy. The writer successfully conveys ideas but occasionally makes errors in word choice and collocation. The essay maintains coherence and addresses the prompt effectively, though improvements in lexical precision could enhance overall quality.

How to improve:

  1. Lexical Variety: While the essay incorporates some less common vocabulary, there is room for improvement in the variety of lexical items used. Introducing a broader range of vocabulary related to the topic can elevate the sophistication of the essay.

  2. Word Choice Precision: Careful attention should be given to word choice and collocation to minimize inaccuracies. For example, in the sentence, "This is predicated that the eating habits of today’s generations rely more on fast food," the word "predicated" is used inaccurately. Replacing it with "predicated on" would improve precision.

  3. Sentence Structure: Enhance sentence structures to create a smoother flow and further showcase lexical control. For instance, the sentence, "In fact, regardless of health risks, some companies produce and market unhealthy products such as junk food, and ultra-processed products, which are dangerous for the inhabitant’s health," could be refined for clarity and coherence.

Overall, focusing on precision and expanding the range of vocabulary will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation: The essay showcases a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, employing varied sentence lengths and structures to convey ideas. It demonstrates an attempt at employing complex sentences, yet some inaccuracies and unclear phrasing hinder complete effectiveness. While errors exist, they don’t significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring clearer expression of complex ideas. Addressing grammar and punctuation errors will strengthen the overall coherence and impact of your argument. Additionally, aim for more precision and clarity in articulating your viewpoints to elevate the essay’s quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed evident that the rise in binge eating, similar to the alarming issue of smoking, has garnered significant public attention. The question arises whether advertising, much like cigarettes, exerts a negative influence on eating habits and warrants prohibition. While it is undeniable that this trend may harbor adverse impacts, I firmly contend that the advantages of restricting advertising outweigh the drawbacks.

Undoubtedly, advertising plays a crucial role in promoting fast food choices, emphasizing convenience as a time-saving solution, consequently contributing to the prevalence of unhealthy eating habits. Present-day eating habits, especially in developed nations, lean heavily towards fast food due to the fast-paced nature of life, prioritizing convenience over home-cooked meals. This lifestyle compels individuals to opt for fast food to keep up with their work schedules. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that individuals have the fundamental right to choose their diet, and it is their choice rather than advertisements that lead to the consumption of harmful foods.

It is understandable why some advocate for banning the advertising of certain food products. Indeed, disregarding health risks, several companies promote and sell unhealthy products like junk food and ultra-processed items, posing threats to public health. Compelling advertising has the potential to drive consumption desires, influencing viewers’ thoughts and eating habits, thereby disrupting healthy dietary control. For instance, many advertised snacks are rich in calories, contributing to weight gain and chronic diseases, despite being marketed as nutritious foods containing a unique protein that purportedly enhances children’s intelligence.

In conclusion, considering the compelling arguments presented, I firmly believe that prohibiting advertisements can influence eating habits both positively and negatively. While some food advertisements yield positive outcomes unlike tobacco promotions, the government should exercise caution in deciding whether to eliminate advertising from their countries, weighing the potential benefits against the risks involved.

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