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All towns and cities need to have large outdoor public spaces such as parks or squares. Do you agree or disagree?

All towns and cities need to have large outdoor public spaces such as parks or squares. Do you agree or disagree?

In the modern era , many high-technology buildings and skyscrapers are erected to meet the demand of urbanization , leading to the decrease of public spaces . Therefore , a lot of people hold the notion that each area should create more enormous outdoor public regions . From my perspective , I totally agree with that opinion as many interesting activities can be celebrated in those place . In addition , a place which curbs transports and building generates a high-quality air.Firstly , the authorities make the most of public environment to hold more outdoor activities for citizens . Specifically , people now tend to stay at home as the lack of place for them to communicate with each other so that more opportunities for individuals can help people meet new friends . This leads to a result that their physical strength improves dramatically , thereby participating in some outdoor competition with their friends. If individuals cannot abuse the Internet , their health will be undermined gradually and cause many diseases .In addition , addressing more green parks and areas help human balance their psychology . This mean that the environment being full of sounds can negatively impact on citizen who now lived in concrete jungles whether a serene park enhances humans mental health . Those spaces also promotes individuals to going green lifestyle which protect our habitat . On the other hand , some people believe that the government should diminish the quantity of public spaces to set up more buildings . This opinion can gain many agreement as it can boost the economic development . However , working under the press for a long time make people feel exhausted while the place which they can be unwind were destroyed . That the productivity will be considerable decrease is obvious , humans health which is not only physical strength but also mental strength will be damaged .In conclusion , people should raise awareness of preserving our public environment because it support individuals finish and improve themselves . Moreover , destroying those spaces will bring many detrimental influence to humans life .


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In the modern era" -> "In contemporary times"
    Explanation: The phrase "In the modern era" is somewhat informal; replacing it with "In contemporary times" maintains formality and aligns with academic style.

  2. "erected" -> "constructed"
    Explanation: While "erected" is not incorrect, "constructed" is a more formal and widely accepted term in academic writing.

  3. "leading to the decrease of" -> "resulting in a reduction in"
    Explanation: The phrase "leading to the decrease of" can be refined for academic writing by using "resulting in a reduction in," which is more precise and formal.

  4. "a lot of people" -> "many individuals"
    Explanation: "A lot of people" is colloquial; replacing it with "many individuals" adds formality and specificity to the statement.

  5. "each area should create more enormous outdoor public regions" -> "each locality should establish larger outdoor public spaces"
    Explanation: "Create more enormous outdoor public regions" can be refined to "establish larger outdoor public spaces" for clearer and more formal expression.

  6. "From my perspective" -> "In my view"
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is slightly informal; using "In my view" maintains the writer’s stance in a more formal manner.

  7. "I totally agree with that opinion" -> "I fully endorse that viewpoint"
    Explanation: "I totally agree with that opinion" can be strengthened by using "I fully endorse that viewpoint," which is more formal and emphasizes conviction.

  8. "many interesting activities can be celebrated in those place" -> "various engaging activities can be conducted in those areas"
    Explanation: "Many interesting activities can be celebrated" is informal; using "various engaging activities can be conducted" adds formality and clarity.

  9. "curbs transports" -> "limits transportation"
    Explanation: "Curbs transports" is not a common expression; replacing it with "limits transportation" is clearer and more academically appropriate.

  10. "generates a high-quality air" -> "improves air quality"
    Explanation: "Generates a high-quality air" is awkward; using "improves air quality" is a more conventional and precise way to convey the idea.

  11. "make the most of" -> "utilize"
    Explanation: "Make the most of" is somewhat informal; replacing it with "utilize" enhances formality.

  12. "for citizens" -> "for the citizens"
    Explanation: Adding "the" before "citizens" makes the phrase grammatically correct and aligns with formal language.

  13. "people now tend to stay at home as the lack of place for them to communicate with each other" -> "individuals nowadays tend to stay at home due to the limited opportunities for social interaction"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal; the suggested alternative provides a clearer and more formal expression.

  14. "opportunities for individuals can help people meet new friends" -> "opportunities for social interaction can facilitate the formation of new friendships"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and provides a precise expression of the idea.

  15. "This leads to a result that their physical strength improves dramatically" -> "This results in a significant improvement in their physical well-being."
    Explanation: The phrase "leads to a result" can be streamlined to "results in," and "physical strength improves dramatically" can be refined to "a significant improvement in their physical well-being."

  16. "If individuals cannot abuse the Internet" -> "If individuals do not excessively use the Internet"
    Explanation: "Abuse the Internet" is informal; replacing it with "excessively use the Internet" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  17. "being full of sounds" -> "filled with noise"
    Explanation: "Being full of sounds" is informal; using "filled with noise" is a more formal expression.

  18. "can negatively impact on citizen" -> "can have a negative impact on citizens"
    Explanation: "Negatively impact on" can be simplified to "have a negative impact on," improving formality and clarity.

  19. "concrete jungles" -> "urban environments"
    Explanation: "Concrete jungles" is a metaphor and slightly informal; using "urban environments" is a more formal and direct term.

  20. "which protect our habitat" -> "thus protecting our ecosystem"
    Explanation: "Which protect our habitat" can be refined to "thus protecting our ecosystem" for clarity and formality.

  21. "some people believe that the government should diminish the quantity of public spaces" -> "some individuals argue that the government should reduce the number of public spaces"
    Explanation: "Diminish the quantity of" can be replaced with "reduce the number of" for a more precise and formal expression.

  22. "This opinion can gain many agreement" -> "This viewpoint can garner widespread support"
    Explanation: "This opinion can gain many agreement" is awkward; using "This viewpoint can garner widespread support" is more formal and grammatically correct.

  23. "under the press for a long time" -> "under prolonged pressure"
    Explanation: "Under the press for a long time" is unclear; using "under prolonged pressure" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  24. "the place which they can be unwind were destroyed" -> "the places where they could unwind have been destroyed"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect; the suggested alternative provides a clear and accurate expression.

  25. "That the productivity will be considerable decrease is obvious" -> "The considerable decrease in productivity is evident"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect; the suggested alternative provides a clear and accurate expression.

  26. "humans health" -> "human health"
    Explanation: "Humans health" is grammatically incorrect; using "human health" is the correct and formal expression.

  27. "which is not only physical strength but also mental strength" -> "encompassing both physical and mental well-being"
    Explanation: "Which is not only physical strength but also mental strength" can be streamlined to "encompassing both physical and mental well-being" for clarity and formality.

  28. "will be damaged" -> "may suffer"
    Explanation: "Will be damaged" can be refined to "may suffer" for a more cautious and formal expression.

  29. "detrimental influence" -> "adverse effects"
    Explanation: "Detrimental influence" can be replaced with "adverse effects" for a more formal and precise term.

  30. "to humans life" -> "to human life"
    Explanation: "To humans life" is grammatically incorrect; using "to human life" is the correct expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear stance in favor of large outdoor public spaces, addressing both the positive aspects, such as facilitating outdoor activities and enhancing air quality, and the opposing view that supports economic development by constructing more buildings.
    • How to improve: While the essay does address both sides, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the counterargument. This involves acknowledging the opposing view in more detail and perhaps refuting specific points to strengthen the overall argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position is generally clear, advocating for the importance of outdoor public spaces. However, there are instances where the language is less precise or could be interpreted differently, impacting the overall clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on using more precise language and structure to maintain a consistently clear position. Avoid ambiguous expressions that might lead to alternative interpretations.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas reasonably well, with examples supporting the benefits of public spaces on physical health, mental well-being, and environmental conservation. However, some examples lack specificity and could be further developed.
    • How to improve: Enhance the presentation of ideas by providing specific examples and elaborating on each point. This will strengthen the overall argument and make it more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally drifts into general statements without direct relevance to the prompt. For instance, the mention of "high-technology buildings and skyscrapers" may be seen as somewhat tangential.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates to the topic of large outdoor public spaces. Trim any information that may be considered extraneous or only indirectly related to the main argument.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a coherent position in favor of large outdoor public spaces. To improve, the writer should refine language for precision, provide more specific examples, delve deeper into the counterargument, and ensure that every point directly relates to the topic at hand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction provides a clear stance, and each paragraph is dedicated to supporting that stance with relevant arguments. However, there are some instances of awkward phrasing and minor coherence issues that affect the overall flow. For instance, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, pay attention to sentence structure and ensure a seamless transition between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are generally well-structured, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is an inconsistency in paragraph length, and the transition between paragraphs could be improved. The shift from discussing outdoor activities to the impact on health is abrupt.
    • How to improve: Maintain consistent paragraph length and improve the transition between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words and pronouns, to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of these devices. There are instances where the connection between sentences is not as clear as it could be.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of a variety of cohesive devices, including synonyms, pronouns, and transitional words. This will create a smoother and more cohesive progression of ideas. Pay attention to the relationship between sentences to ensure a seamless connection between thoughts.

Overall, the essay displays a good level of coherence and cohesion, but attention to sentence structure, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate it to a higher band score. Regularly reviewing and revising the essay with a focus on these aspects will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. It includes words and phrases appropriate for the topic, such as "urbanization," "enormous outdoor public regions," and "concrete jungles." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further by incorporating more nuanced or sophisticated terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms, idiomatic expressions, or specialized terms related to urban planning and environmental concerns. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "public spaces," consider alternatives like "community hubs" or "shared recreational areas."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances where word choices are imprecise or could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "many high-technology buildings" might benefit from a more specific description, such as "modern architectural structures." Additionally, the term "curbs transports" could be clearer.
    • How to improve: Strive for precision by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "curbs transports," consider saying "limits transportation options." Additionally, when describing buildings, use terms that reflect their architectural nature more precisely.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "environments" instead of "environment," "detrimental influence" instead of "influences," and "unwind" instead of "unwind." These errors, while not pervasive, impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling, especially common words. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and correct errors. Consider using spell-check tools and dedicating specific time to review and correct spelling before finalizing the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy can elevate the overall linguistic quality. Aim for more varied and nuanced expressions, choose words with precision, and diligently proofread to enhance the lexical aspects of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, but they are not consistently well-executed. For instance, in the opening sentence, there is a complex structure with a relative clause, "In the modern era, many high-technology buildings and skyscrapers are erected to meet the demand of urbanization, leading to the decrease of public spaces." However, this pattern is not sustained throughout the essay. More sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or inversion, are noticeably absent. The use of transitional phrases is limited, impacting the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures. For instance, incorporating more complex sentences and diverse transitions can contribute to a more sophisticated essay. Try experimenting with conditional sentences, inversion, and varied sentence lengths to add richness to the language.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("This mean that the environment being full of sounds can negatively impact on citizen") and prepositions ("If individuals cannot abuse the Internet"). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "If individuals cannot abuse the Internet, their health will be undermined gradually and cause many diseases."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, prepositions, and sentence structure. Proofreading is crucial to identify and rectify these errors. Furthermore, the use of more precise language and expressions would contribute to a smoother and more polished essay. Consider seeking feedback from others or using grammar-check tools to catch these issues.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, but improvement in sentence structure diversity and grammatical accuracy would elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, numerous high-tech buildings and skyscrapers are constructed to meet the demands of urbanization, resulting in a reduction of public spaces. Therefore, many individuals believe that each locality should establish larger outdoor public spaces, and I fully endorse that viewpoint. In my view, various engaging activities can be conducted in those areas, contributing to the well-being of the citizens. Additionally, such spaces limit transportation and improve air quality.

Firstly, the authorities can utilize public environments to organize more outdoor activities for the citizens. Nowadays, individuals tend to stay at home due to the limited opportunities for social interaction. However, opportunities for social interaction can facilitate the formation of new friendships, resulting in a significant improvement in their physical well-being. If individuals do not excessively use the Internet, which is filled with noise, it can have a negative impact on citizens’ health, encompassing both physical and mental well-being.

Moreover, addressing the need for more green parks and areas helps humans balance their psychology. Urban environments, filled with noise, may have adverse effects on human health. In contrast, a serene park enhances humans’ mental health, promoting a green lifestyle and thus protecting our ecosystem.

On the other hand, some individuals argue that the government should reduce the number of public spaces to set up more buildings. This viewpoint can garner widespread support as it can boost economic development. However, under prolonged pressure, the places where individuals could unwind have been destroyed. The considerable decrease in productivity is evident, and human health, encompassing both physical and mental well-being, may suffer adverse effects.

In conclusion, I believe that people should raise awareness of preserving our public environment because it supports individuals in finishing and improving themselves. Moreover, destroying these spaces will bring many detrimental influences to human life.

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