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Although for most people it takes a long time to become successful, for some, it happens at a very young age. Are the disadvantages of being a young celebrity greater than the advantages?

Although for most people it takes a long time to become successful, for some, it happens at a very young age. Are the disadvantages of being a young celebrity greater than the advantages?

In a contemporary community, young individuals with unique abilities may quickly gain recognition through multiple social media channels, while others have to put in too much effort into achieving it. In my opinion, although getting popular has several beneficial impacts, its drawbacks are still far more important.

First of all, it is undeniable to say that fame brings financial advantages, which keep people out of poverty. To be specific, financial security allows kids to be independent from an early age, as well as assist their parents and other family members. As a result, a young person can become more autonomous than their friends of the same age. Furthermore, everyone enjoys being admired and honored for their work. When extremely young individuals become famous, they are loved by the majority of the public, which improves their self-esteem and worth. However, the contrary is the fact that many young superstars lack the knowledge of finance required to handle money. As a consequence, their quick extra income may have negative effects, probably outweighing the benefits of their early achievement.

There are also downsides to being renowned at an early age. Because young people are not mentally mature, they do not understand how to manage fame or behave in public. This causes many young stars to become isolated and depressed, leading them to disappear from society. For example, Justin Bieber used to struggle with the pressure of fame during his younger years, causing him to self-medicate and become a drug addict. Moreover, when they become famous at a young age, they may believe that schooling is unnecessary and stop learning all the critical life skills required to succeed in the real world by dropping out of school. They fail to recognize that life is unpredictable, and they behave recklessly without knowing that fame fluctuates.

We recognize that being renowned at a young age has several advantages in the area of being independent, but it can also be considered as a negative if not controlled and the young kid is not taught vital life standards.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "young individuals" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: The term "young individuals" is appropriate, but to enhance variety and avoid repetition, consider using synonyms such as "youth" or "adolescents" in subsequent instances.

  2. "put in too much effort into achieving it" -> "invest excessive effort in attaining it"
    Explanation: The phrase "put in too much effort into achieving it" can be refined for a more formal tone. "Invest excessive effort in attaining it" maintains clarity while sounding more sophisticated.

  3. "In my opinion" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "In my opinion" with "From my perspective" adds a more formal touch to the expression of the author’s viewpoint.

  4. "drawbacks are still far more important" -> "drawbacks carry greater significance"
    Explanation: The phrase "drawbacks are still far more important" can be modified for a more nuanced expression. "Drawbacks carry greater significance" maintains the formality while conveying a nuanced comparison.

  5. "First of all" -> "Primarily"
    Explanation: Substituting "First of all" with "Primarily" introduces a more formal transition between paragraphs.

  6. "it is undeniable to say that" -> "it is undeniable that"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression to "it is undeniable that" removes unnecessary wording while maintaining the formal structure.

  7. "To be specific" -> "To elaborate"
    Explanation: Replacing "To be specific" with "To elaborate" provides a more formal and precise transition in the sentence.

  8. "kids" -> "young individuals" or "adolescents"
    Explanation: To maintain a formal tone, consider replacing "kids" with more formal alternatives such as "young individuals" or "adolescents."

  9. "extremely young individuals" -> "remarkably young individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "extremely" with "remarkably" adds a touch of formality to the description of young individuals.

  10. "self-esteem and worth" -> "self-esteem and sense of worth"
    Explanation: Including "sense of" in "self-esteem and sense of worth" provides a more comprehensive and academically suitable expression.

  11. "quick extra income" -> "sudden influx of income"
    Explanation: "Quick extra income" can be refined to "sudden influx of income" for a more formal and precise description.

  12. "For example" -> "As an illustration"
    Explanation: Substituting "For example" with "As an illustration" contributes to a more formal and academic tone.

  13. "schooling is unnecessary" -> "formal education is dispensable"
    Explanation: To enhance formality, consider replacing "schooling is unnecessary" with "formal education is dispensable."

  14. "life skills required to succeed in the real world" -> "essential life skills necessary for success in the real world"
    Explanation: Expanding the phrase to "essential life skills necessary for success in the real world" provides a more detailed and formal expression.

  15. "They fail to recognize that life is unpredictable" -> "They overlook the unpredictability of life"
    Explanation: Substituting "fail to recognize" with "overlook" and rephrasing the latter part enhances the formality and conciseness of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of being a young celebrity. However, the discussion on advantages could be more nuanced, and specific examples could be provided to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating further on the advantages of being a young celebrity. Ensure that each aspect of the question is thoroughly explored.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages of being a young celebrity outweigh the advantages. This stance is evident in the introduction and is consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of your position, consider explicitly stating your stance in the thesis statement. This can help readers easily identify your perspective from the beginning.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a clear manner and supports them with examples, such as the financial advantages of fame and the negative effects of early achievement. However, the discussion on advantages could be more detailed and include specific instances.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on the advantages of being a young celebrity by providing concrete examples or anecdotes. This will enhance the depth of your argument and provide a more comprehensive understanding.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of being a young celebrity. However, the mention of Justin Bieber’s struggles might be seen as slightly off-topic, as it focuses more on personal challenges than the broader theme of advantages and disadvantages.
    • How to improve: While personal anecdotes can be valuable, ensure they directly contribute to the discussion of advantages and disadvantages. If using examples like Justin Bieber’s, connect them explicitly to the broader theme to maintain relevance.

Overall Feedback:
The essay provides a thoughtful analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of being a young celebrity. To improve, focus on offering more specific examples, especially when discussing advantages. Additionally, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt to enhance overall coherence. Strengthening the thesis statement and maintaining a more balanced exploration of both sides will further elevate the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. The introduction introduces the topic and the author’s opinion. The body paragraphs present advantages and disadvantages in a coherent manner. However, there is room for improvement in the organization within paragraphs, particularly in the second paragraph where the financial benefits are discussed. The transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the structure within paragraphs for a smoother transition between ideas. In the second paragraph, ensure a clear connection between the financial advantages and potential drawbacks to maintain logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to overall coherence. However, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas. The discussion of financial advantages and potential drawbacks could be more distinct.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the structure of the second paragraph. Consider breaking it down into two separate paragraphs—one focusing on financial advantages and the other on potential drawbacks. This would enhance clarity and organization.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases ("First of all," "Furthermore," "However," "Moreover"). These devices contribute to coherence by signaling the relationships between ideas. However, there is a slight repetition in the use of transitional phrases in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally well-used, avoid overusing certain phrases. For instance, in the second paragraph, try to vary the transitions to enhance the overall quality of expression and coherence.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To improve, focus on refining the organization within paragraphs for smoother transitions and consider varying cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, it could benefit from more diversity and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "financial advantages," "financial security," and "self-esteem and worth" are repeated, and there is room for exploring synonyms and more nuanced expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and nuanced language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "financial advantages," explore alternatives like "monetary benefits," "economic gains," or "financial prosperity" where appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary in a precise manner, but there are instances where a more specific or contextually fitting term could be employed. For instance, the phrase "quick extra income" might benefit from a more precise descriptor, such as "sudden windfall" or "unexpected financial gains."
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the example mentioned, consider using terms like "sudden windfall" or "unexpected financial gains" to provide a clearer picture of the financial situation.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are minor errors, such as "advantages" misspelled as "advantages." These do not significantly impede understanding, but attention to such details can enhance overall writing quality.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying close attention to common errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, with room for refinement in terms of diversity and precision. Attention to spelling accuracy, coupled with a conscious effort to expand and refine vocabulary, will contribute to an even more effective expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of complex and compound sentences, enhancing the overall coherence. For instance, the writer effectively uses complex sentences when discussing the financial advantages of fame, such as "To be specific, financial security allows kids to be independent from an early age, as well as assist their parents and other family members."
    • How to improve: While the variety is good, incorporating a few more complex structures and varying sentence lengths can further elevate the essay’s sophistication. Introduce occasional rhetorical questions or use inversion for stylistic diversity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors are present. For example, in the sentence "To be specific, financial security allows kids to be independent from an early age, as well as assist their parents and other family members," the use of "as well as assist" could be refined for better clarity. Consider rephrasing to "as well as providing assistance to their parents and other family members."
    • How to improve: Review sentences for potential ambiguity or areas where restructuring can enhance clarity. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences. Consider seeking feedback to catch subtler grammatical nuances.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammar and a diverse range of sentence structures. Fine-tuning specific grammatical details and further enhancing sentence variety will contribute to even greater fluency and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s society, young individuals with exceptional talents can quickly gain recognition through various social media platforms, while others must invest excessive effort in attaining it. From my perspective, though achieving fame has its advantages, the drawbacks carry greater significance.

Primarily, it is undeniable that fame brings financial benefits, lifting individuals out of poverty. Specifically, financial security enables young people to attain independence early on, allowing them to support their parents and other family members. Consequently, a young person can achieve greater autonomy compared to peers of the same age. Moreover, everyone appreciates being recognized and honored for their efforts. When remarkably young individuals become famous, they garner widespread public admiration, enhancing their self-esteem and sense of worth. However, a downside is that many young celebrities lack the financial knowledge to manage their earnings properly. This lack of financial literacy may lead to negative consequences, potentially outweighing the benefits of their early success.

To elaborate further, there are also downsides to achieving fame at an early age. Due to their lack of mental maturity, young individuals may struggle to handle the pressures of celebrity or behave appropriately in public. This often results in isolation and depression, causing many young stars to withdraw from society. For instance, Justin Bieber faced challenges coping with the pressures of fame in his youth, leading to self-medication and substance abuse. Additionally, young celebrities may mistakenly believe that formal education is dispensable and choose to abandon essential life skills necessary for success in the real world by dropping out of school. They overlook the unpredictability of life, behaving recklessly without realizing that fame is transient.

In conclusion, while being renowned at a young age offers advantages in terms of financial independence, it can also be viewed negatively if not managed properly and if crucial life standards are not instilled in the individual. It is crucial to recognize the potential pitfalls associated with early fame and ensure that young individuals are equipped with the necessary skills to navigate both the benefits and challenges that come with it.

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