An increasing number of advertisements on TV aim at children. What are the effects of television advertising on children? Should television advertising be controlled?

There is an increase of below-the-line advertising whose main target is children who could be negatively influenced if repetitively watching them over a short time. In my opinion, advertisements showed on television should be put under close supervision of the authority.

On the one hand, it is no doubt that adverts can have a number of harmful effects on children's behaviour and eating habit. By showing these youngsters with colourful animation of famous toy and comic characters, catchy sounds and jingles, this type of TV programs creates a desire of them to become the owner that product. Due to the impressionable nature, these naive ones are going to put pressure on their parents to buy it for them until they can finally put a hand on the advertised toy or food, etc. If the parents decide to give in to all of their son or daughter's demands, eventually, they will spoil the child. Another reason to be worried about is that most types of promoted food or drink, such as, fast foods and soft drinks, are clearly not healthy and nourishing, yet can be irresistible to young people. Consequently, if children start to consume a large amount of this kind of food, it will increase the risk of catching physical illnesses, for instance, obesity, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, etc.

On the other hand, it is undeniable the enormous benefits that advertising can generate to the companies in particular and to the economy in general. Nevertheless, when it comes to the well being and metal health of young generation, the government should strictly regulate which adverts can be shown to young TV watchers through the means of law and punishment. For example, cigarette and beverage must not be promoted by any kind of media, let alone television while the advertisements of junk-food and confectionery may only appear on channels few times a day.

In conclusion, owing to the fact that television advertisements have a wide range of harm to children, they should be closely controlled by the government.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is an increase of below-the-line advertising" -> "There is an increase in below-the-line advertising"
Explanation: The phrase "an increase of" is grammatically incorrect. "An increase in" is the correct prepositional phrase for indicating an increase in quantity or frequency.
"whose main target is children who could be negatively influenced" -> "whose primary target is children who may be negatively influenced"
Explanation: "Main target" is somewhat informal and vague; "primary target" is more precise and formal. Also, "could" is less definitive than "may," which is more appropriate in academic writing.
"repetitively watching them over a short time" -> "repeatedly viewing them over a short period"
Explanation: "Repetitively" is less common and slightly informal; "repeatedly" is more commonly used in formal contexts. "Short time" is vague; "short period" is more specific and formal.
"advertisements showed on television" -> "advertisements shown on television"
Explanation: "Showed" is the past tense of "show," which is incorrect here. "Shown" is the correct past participle needed for the passive construction.
"put under close supervision of the authority" -> "subject to close supervision by the authorities"
Explanation: "Put under close supervision of the authority" is awkward and unclear. "Subject to close supervision by the authorities" is more direct and formal.
"it is no doubt that adverts" -> "it is undeniable that advertisements"
Explanation: "It is no doubt that" is a bit informal and vague; "it is undeniable that" is more precise and formal.
"creates a desire of them to become the owner that product" -> "creates a desire in them to own that product"
Explanation: "Desire of them to become the owner that product" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Desire in them to own that product" corrects these issues and improves readability.
"put a hand on the advertised toy or food, etc." -> "acquire the advertised toy or food"
Explanation: "Put a hand on" is colloquial and unclear; "acquire" is more formal and precise.
"spoil the child" -> "negatively impact the child"
Explanation: "Spoil the child" is informal and imprecise; "negatively impact the child" is more formal and specific.
"most types of promoted food or drink" -> "many types of promoted foods and beverages"
Explanation: "Most types" is vague; "many types" is more specific. Also, "food or drink" should be "foods and beverages" for grammatical correctness and formality.
"clearly not healthy and nourishing" -> "clearly unhealthy and non-nutritious"
Explanation: "Not healthy and nourishing" is redundant; "unhealthy and non-nutritious" avoids redundancy and enhances clarity.
"it will increase the risk of catching physical illnesses" -> "it will increase the risk of developing physical illnesses"
Explanation: "Catching" is informal and less precise; "developing" is more appropriate in a formal context.
"metal health" -> "mental health"
Explanation: "Metal health" is a typographical error; "mental health" is the correct term.
"cigarette and beverage" -> "cigarettes and beverages"
Explanation: "Cigarette and beverage" is grammatically incorrect; "cigarettes and beverages" corrects the plural form.
"must not be promoted by any kind of media" -> "must not be advertised through any medium"
Explanation: "Promoted by any kind of media" is awkward and unclear; "advertised through any medium" is more precise and formal.
"junk-food and confectionery" -> "junk foods and confectioneries"
Explanation: "Junk-food" is informal; "junk foods" is more formal. Also, "confectionery" should be pluralized to "confectioneries" for consistency.
"owing to the fact that television advertisements have a wide range of harm to children" -> "due to the fact that television advertisements pose a wide range of harm to children"
Explanation: "Owing to the fact that" is slightly formal but less direct; "due to the fact that" is more direct and formal. "Have a wide range of harm" is awkward; "pose a wide range of harm" is more natural and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the effects of television advertising on children and advocating for the regulation of such advertising. The first paragraph outlines the negative impacts, such as unhealthy eating habits and behavioral issues stemming from advertising aimed at children. The second paragraph acknowledges the economic benefits of advertising but ultimately argues for the necessity of regulation to protect children’s well-being. However, the discussion of the effects could be more balanced with a clearer distinction between the negative and positive aspects of advertising.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more specific examples of both harmful and beneficial effects of advertising on children. Additionally, it would be beneficial to explicitly address how regulation could mitigate the negative effects while still allowing for some positive aspects of advertising.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that television advertising should be controlled, which is evident from the beginning and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the negative effects and the economic benefits could be smoother, as it may create a slight impression of contradiction.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the discussion of negative effects to the need for regulation. For example, stating that while advertising can benefit the economy, the potential harm to children necessitates strict controls would strengthen the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the harmful effects of advertising, such as the promotion of unhealthy foods and the pressure on parents. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, while the mention of obesity and related health issues is relevant, providing statistics or studies to support these claims would enhance the argument’s credibility.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence. Incorporating data or research findings about the impact of advertising on children’s health could substantiate the claims made and provide a stronger foundation for the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of television advertising on children and the need for regulation. However, there are moments where the discussion of economic benefits feels somewhat tangential, as it does not directly relate to the primary concern of children’s well-being.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made ties back to the central question of how advertising affects children. If discussing economic benefits, it should be framed in the context of how these benefits might conflict with the interests of child welfare, thereby reinforcing the need for regulation.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and presents a clear argument, it could benefit from more balanced coverage of the topic, deeper elaboration of ideas, and tighter focus on the central issues at hand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first body paragraph discusses the negative effects of television advertising on children, while the second body paragraph addresses the potential benefits of advertising and the need for regulation. This organization allows for a logical progression of ideas. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the connection between the negative impacts and the need for regulation is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "While the negative effects are significant, it is also important to recognize the economic benefits of advertising, which leads to the necessity for regulation." This would create a clearer relationship between the arguments presented.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph. The second body paragraph also lacks a clear topic sentence, which can make it harder for the reader to grasp the main point immediately.
- How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a strong topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For instance, the first paragraph could begin with, "Television advertising poses several harmful effects on children, particularly concerning their behavior and dietary choices." This will provide a clearer framework for the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help to contrast the two sides of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "this type of TV programs creates a desire of them to become the owner that product" lacks clarity and could benefit from more precise language and additional linking words to clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that each sentence flows logically into the next. For example, instead of saying "Another reason to be worried about is that most types of promoted food or drink, such as, fast foods and soft drinks, are clearly not healthy," you could say, "Furthermore, many of the promoted food and drink options, such as fast foods and soft drinks, are clearly unhealthy." This not only improves cohesion but also enhances clarity.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving its overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "advertisements," "influence," "impressionable," and "nourishing." However, the use of phrases like "below-the-line advertising" may not be universally understood and could be seen as overly technical or specific without further context. Additionally, there is some repetition of words like "advertisements" and "children," which could be varied to enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "advertisements," alternatives like "commercials," "ads," or "promotions" could be utilized. Furthermore, using more varied adjectives to describe the effects of advertising (e.g., "deceptive," "manipulative," "enticing") would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the desire of them to become the owner that product" is awkward and unclear. The intended meaning seems to be that children desire to own the advertised products, but the phrasing obscures this. Additionally, "the well being and metal health of young generation" contains a spelling error ("metal" should be "mental") and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical structure. Revising sentences for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that vocabulary choices accurately convey the intended meaning is crucial. For instance, rephrasing to "the desire to own the advertised products" would clarify the message. Regular practice with sentence structure and vocabulary exercises could also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a few spelling errors, such as "metal" instead of "mental" and "advertisements showed" instead of "advertisements shown." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in proofreading practices, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help build spelling confidence. Regular writing practice with a focus on spelling can also contribute to improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improving vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the overall quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound structures. For instance, the phrase "By showing these youngsters with colourful animation of famous toy and comic characters, catchy sounds and jingles, this type of TV programs creates a desire of them to become the owner that product" showcases an attempt at complexity. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from clarity, such as "the owner that product," which should be "the owner of that product."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varied sentence openings. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "it is," the writer could use participial phrases or adverbial clauses to create more dynamic sentence beginnings. Additionally, practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences could further diversify the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation issues. For example, "the authority" should be "the authorities" to reflect the plural nature of the governing body. The phrase "most types of promoted food or drink, such as, fast foods and soft drinks," incorrectly uses a comma after "such as." Furthermore, the sentence "it is undeniable the enormous benefits that advertising can generate to the companies in particular and to the economy in general" lacks a necessary conjunction, making it awkward. The use of "metal health" instead of "mental health" is a typographical error that affects clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement and ensure that nouns and pronouns are used correctly. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors, such as articles and prepositions, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for typographical errors and punctuation placement can help catch mistakes before submission. Engaging with grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers could also enhance understanding and application of grammatical rules.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on the diversity of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an increase in below-the-line advertising whose main target is children who could be negatively influenced if they repeatedly watch them over a short period. In my opinion, advertisements shown on television should be put under close supervision by the authorities.

On the one hand, there is no doubt that adverts can have a number of harmful effects on children’s behaviour and eating habits. By showing these youngsters colourful animations of famous toys and comic characters, catchy sounds, and jingles, this type of TV programming creates a desire in them to own that product. Due to their impressionable nature, these naive children are going to put pressure on their parents to buy it for them until they can finally acquire the advertised toy or food. If the parents decide to give in to all of their son or daughter’s demands, eventually, they will spoil the child. Another reason to be worried is that many types of promoted foods and beverages, such as fast foods and soft drinks, are clearly unhealthy and non-nutritious, yet can be irresistible to young people. Consequently, if children start to consume a large amount of this kind of food, it will increase the risk of developing physical illnesses, for instance, obesity, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, etc.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that advertising can generate enormous benefits for companies in particular and for the economy in general. Nevertheless, when it comes to the well-being and mental health of the younger generation, the government should strictly regulate which adverts can be shown to young TV watchers through the means of law and punishment. For example, cigarettes and beverages must not be promoted by any kind of media, let alone television, while advertisements for junk foods and confectioneries may only appear on channels a few times a day.

In conclusion, due to the fact that television advertisements pose a wide range of harm to children, they should be closely controlled by the government.