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An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance.Why is this the case?Is it a negative or positive development?

An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance.
Why is this the case?
Is it a negative or positive development?

The popularity of cosmetic surgery has increased at a staggering rate in recent years, with more people opting to alter their physical appearance. This tendency may stem from the desire to correct physical deformities and conform to social beauty standards. Although this development has a particular benefit, I believe that it could exert dire consequences on people’s physical and mental well-being.

There are two main reasons for this proliferation of cosmetic surgery. The chief underlying cause is that some people, who have congenital defects or acquired deformities from injuries and illnesses, want to seek surgery to correct these conditions. Another motivation is the wish to boost their self-esteem and achieve a desired look, attaining a level of perceived perfection. This is rooted in the pervasive influence of mass celebrity culture and social media such as Instagram or TikTok. As a result, many young women may feel pressure to have a certain body type or facial features such as a small waist, large bust or high nose.

The tendency might have potential benefits for unlucky people by providing them chances to fix body defects, regaining their self-confidence. For example, thanks to the surgical intervention, many people with a cleft palate, which deforms their mouth and negatively affects their speaking ability, could improve their quality of life by allowing them to have normal mouth features. However, I gravitate towards the statement of negative development as this can affect both people’s physical and mental health. Firstly, cosmetic surgery always carries a number of risks, including infections and complications from anesthesia. Hence, these potential threads can deteriorate individuals’ well being. Moreover, mental health is also affected if people follow unrealistic beauty standards and societal pressure, which constantly changes, making them obsessed with perfecting themselves and feel depressed. Therefore, the greater repercussions would occur when people abuse cosmetic surgery.

In conclusion, there is an increasing number of people who prefer cosmetic surgery to correct their physical deformities as well as improve external appearance. While it can be beneficial for some individuals, it is ultimately a negative development due to negative impacts on human’s well-being. Therefore it is essential to make use of these cosmetic services selectively to avoid unnecessary consequences


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “staggering rate” -> “remarkable rate”
    Explanation: Replacing “staggering rate” with “remarkable rate” maintains the emphasis on the increase in popularity while using a more formal and nuanced term.
  2. “opting to alter” -> “choosing to modify”
    Explanation: Substituting “opting to alter” with “choosing to modify” enhances the formality of the expression without sacrificing clarity.
  3. “This tendency may stem from” -> “This trend may arise from”
    Explanation: Replacing “This tendency may stem from” with “This trend may arise from” introduces a more academic tone by using “trend” instead of “tendency.”
  4. “conform to” -> “adhere to”
    Explanation: Replacing “conform to” with “adhere to” elevates the formality of the sentence by using a more precise and academic term.
  5. “dire consequences” -> “serious repercussions”
    Explanation: Substituting “dire consequences” with “serious repercussions” maintains the gravity of the statement while employing a more formal expression.
  6. “chief underlying cause” -> “primary underlying reason”
    Explanation: Replacing “chief underlying cause” with “primary underlying reason” enhances the sophistication of the language while conveying the same meaning.
  7. “surgery to correct these conditions” -> “surgery for corrective purposes”
    Explanation: Changing “surgery to correct these conditions” to “surgery for corrective purposes” provides a more formal and concise expression.
  8. “attaining a level of perceived perfection” -> “achieving a perceived state of perfection”
    Explanation: Substituting “attaining a level of perceived perfection” with “achieving a perceived state of perfection” maintains clarity while using a more formal structure.
  9. “rooted in” -> “stemming from”
    Explanation: Replacing “rooted in” with “stemming from” contributes to a more formal tone by using a precise and academic term.
  10. “influence of mass celebrity culture” -> “impact of pervasive celebrity culture”
    Explanation: Changing “influence of mass celebrity culture” to “impact of pervasive celebrity culture” maintains the emphasis on the impact while using a more formal expression.
  11. “may feel pressure” -> “might feel pressured”
    Explanation: Substituting “may feel pressure” with “might feel pressured” introduces a more cautious and formal language choice.
  12. “have a certain body type” -> “possess a specific body type”
    Explanation: Replacing “have a certain body type” with “possess a specific body type” offers a more formal and precise expression.
  13. “thread” -> “threat”
    Explanation: Correcting “potential threads” to “potential threats” improves accuracy, as the intended meaning is risks or dangers rather than threads.
  14. “well being” -> “well-being”
    Explanation: Correcting “well being” to “well-being” ensures proper hyphenation of the term, adhering to academic writing conventions.
  15. “mental health is also affected if people” -> “mental health is also jeopardized when individuals”
    Explanation: Changing “mental health is also affected if people” to “mental health is also jeopardized when individuals” introduces a more formal and precise expression.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “Although this development has a particular benefit, I believe that it could exert dire consequences on people’s physical and mental well-being.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively establishes the writer’s position on the topic. However, it could be enhanced by providing a brief roadmap of the main reasons supporting the stance. This would improve the clarity of the essay’s structure and help the reader anticipate the key arguments.
    • Improved example: “Although there are certain benefits associated with the increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery, I contend that the potential negative consequences on individuals’ physical and mental well-being outweigh these advantages. In this essay, I will explore two main reasons supporting this perspective.”
  2. Quoted text: “This is rooted in the pervasive influence of mass celebrity culture and social media such as Instagram or TikTok.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The essay effectively addresses the influence of mass celebrity culture and social media on the increasing demand for cosmetic surgery. However, to strengthen this point, the writer could provide a specific example or anecdote illustrating how these platforms contribute to the societal pressure for a certain standard of beauty.
    • Improved example: “This phenomenon is rooted in the pervasive influence of mass celebrity culture and social media platforms such as Instagram or TikTok. For instance, the constant exposure to idealized beauty standards on these platforms can create unrealistic expectations, leading individuals to consider cosmetic surgery to conform to these societal norms.”
  3. Quoted text: “However, I gravitate towards the statement of negative development as this can affect both people’s physical and mental health.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer effectively expresses their position in the essay. However, to further enhance clarity, it would be beneficial to provide a concise preview of the main points or reasons that will be elaborated in the subsequent paragraphs.
    • Improved example: “However, I gravitate towards the statement of negative development because the increasing trend of cosmetic surgery can have detrimental effects on both people’s physical and mental health. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the potential risks and impacts associated with this rising inclination.”
  4. Quoted text: “Therefore, the greater repercussions would occur when people abuse cosmetic surgery.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the essay successfully concludes by reiterating the writer’s position, it would be beneficial to provide a brief summary of the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. This summary can reinforce the writer’s argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: “Therefore, the greater repercussions would occur when people abuse cosmetic surgery. To recap, I have explored the motivations behind the surge in cosmetic procedures and highlighted the potential risks and negative impacts associated with this trend.”

Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task and effectively presents the writer’s position. To enhance clarity and persuasive power, consider incorporating brief previews of the main points in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, providing specific examples or anecdotes can strengthen the arguments presented in the essay.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, providing clear progression throughout the text. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery, and the body paragraphs logically present reasons for this trend. The essay effectively employs cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, contributing to overall coherence. The central topic within each paragraph is clear, aiding reader comprehension.

However, there are instances of slight overuse of cohesive devices, and some sentences lack variety in their structures, which may be perceived as mechanical. While the essay effectively manages paragraphing for the most part, there are a few instances where paragraph transitions could be smoother. Additionally, there is a tendency to repeat certain ideas, impacting the overall flow.

How to Improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider diversifying sentence structures to add variety. Ensure a balanced use of cohesive devices, avoiding potential overuse. Review paragraph transitions to create a smoother flow between ideas. Address any repetition of ideas to maintain a more concise and focused presentation.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and displays some flexibility in word choice. The writer uses less common lexical items with an awareness of style and collocation, which contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

The essay effectively discusses the reasons for the increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery, including both physical deformities and societal influences like social media and celebrity culture. It also presents arguments for and against cosmetic surgery, highlighting potential benefits and negative consequences. The writer uses a variety of vocabulary to convey these ideas, enhancing the clarity and depth of the essay.

While the essay generally meets the criteria for Band 7 in terms of vocabulary, there are a few instances where word choice and word formation could be improved for more precise and accurate expression. For instance, the phrase “potential threads” should be “potential threats,” and “well being” should be written as “well-being.” Additionally, there are some minor grammatical issues that, while not directly related to lexical resource, can impact overall writing quality.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score and overall essay quality, the writer should pay closer attention to word choice, spelling, and word formation. Proofreading for accuracy and clarity is essential. Additionally, the writer should work on addressing minor grammatical issues to ensure a more polished and professional essay.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, such as compound and complex sentences, contributing to a good range of grammatical structures. There are frequent error-free sentences throughout the essay, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, some errors in grammar and punctuation are present. For instance, in the sentence, “This tendency may stem from the desire to correct physical deformities and conform to social beauty standards,” the use of “tendency” might be better replaced with “trend.” Additionally, there is a minor punctuation error in the sentence, “Therefore it is essential to make use of these cosmetic services selectively,” where a comma after “Therefore” would improve clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to minor errors, choosing more precise vocabulary when appropriate. Additionally, a thorough proofreading to catch punctuation errors and ensure sentence structures are consistently error-free would contribute to an improved score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

The surge in the popularity of cosmetic surgery is unmistakable in recent times, as more individuals opt for alterations in their physical appearance. This inclination may arise from the desire to address physical deformities and adhere to societal beauty norms. Despite a specific advantage to this trend, I am inclined to believe that it could have severe consequences on people’s physical and mental health.

Two primary reasons contribute to the proliferation of cosmetic surgery. The primary driver is that some individuals, afflicted with congenital defects or acquired deformities from injuries and illnesses, seek surgery to rectify these conditions. Another motivation is the aspiration to enhance self-esteem and attain a desired appearance, reaching a perceived level of perfection. This is deeply influenced by mass celebrity culture and social media platforms like Instagram or TikTok. Consequently, many young women may feel compelled to conform to specific body types or facial features, such as a small waist, large bust, or a high nose.

While this trend may offer potential benefits for individuals with physical challenges, allowing them to correct defects and regain self-confidence, I am inclined to view it as a negative development due to its potential adverse effects on both physical and mental well-being. Firstly, cosmetic surgery inherently carries risks, including infections and complications from anesthesia, which can jeopardize individuals’ health. Furthermore, mental health is at stake when individuals adhere to unrealistic beauty standards and societal pressures that are constantly changing, leading to an obsession with perfection and feelings of depression. Hence, the more significant repercussions arise when individuals misuse cosmetic surgery.

In conclusion, the growing preference for cosmetic surgery to rectify physical deformities and enhance external appearance is evident. While it may bring benefits to some, it is ultimately a negative development due to its adverse impacts on human well-being. Therefore, it is crucial to approach cosmetic services selectively to mitigate unnecessary consequences.

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