An old motorbike

An old motorbike

Today, while I was at a coffee with my parents and my big brother, I saw a motorcycle. It's from Honda brand, it's so cool, bigger than other ones I had seen. I feel it so gorgeous that standing alone still makes it perfect, flawless. I prefer its posture, body.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Today, while I was at a coffee with my parents and my big brother" -> "Today, while I was having coffee with my parents and my older brother"
   Explanation: "Having coffee" is a more formal expression than "at a coffee," and "older brother" is more appropriate in formal writing than "big brother," which can sound informal and colloquial.

2. "It’s from Honda brand" -> "It is from the Honda brand"
   Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and should be replaced with "it is" to maintain formal tone and grammatical correctness.

3. "it’s so cool, bigger than other ones I had seen" -> "it appears to be quite impressive, larger than others I have seen"
   Explanation: "It’s so cool" is informal and subjective; "it appears to be quite impressive" is more objective and formal. "Bigger" is also less precise than "larger," which is more commonly used in formal descriptions of size.

4. "I feel it so gorgeous that standing alone still makes it perfect, flawless" -> "I find it aesthetically pleasing, even when standing alone, it appears flawless"
   Explanation: "I feel it so gorgeous" is overly emotional and informal; "I find it aesthetically pleasing" is more objective and formal. "Standing alone still makes it perfect, flawless" is awkwardly phrased; "even when standing alone, it appears flawless" is clearer and more grammatically correct.

5. "I prefer its posture, body" -> "I prefer its design and overall appearance"
   Explanation: "Posture" and "body" are not typically used to describe a motorcycle’s features in formal writing. "Design and overall appearance" are more precise and appropriate terms for describing the aesthetic qualities of a vehicle.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to describe an old motorbike but fails to fully address the prompt. While it mentions a motorcycle from Honda, it does not provide any context about its age, significance, or any personal reflections that could enrich the description. The essay lacks depth, focusing only on superficial attributes like appearance without exploring the implications of the bike’s age or its history.
  • How to improve: To better address the prompt, the writer should consider including details about the bike’s history, its condition, or what makes it "old" in the context of motorbikes. Additionally, personal anecdotes or feelings about the bike’s significance could enhance the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position or argument. While it expresses admiration for the motorcycle, it does not develop a coherent viewpoint or theme. The admiration feels fragmented and does not lead to a comprehensive understanding of the writer’s perspective on the old motorbike.
  • How to improve: The writer should establish a clear thesis or main idea early in the essay. For example, they could state why old motorbikes are significant or what they represent to them personally. Maintaining this focus throughout the essay would help clarify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are quite limited and lack development. The writer mentions the bike’s appearance but does not extend these observations into a broader discussion or support them with examples or reasoning. For instance, they could discuss how the design of older bikes differs from modern ones or share a story related to the bike.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. They could include comparisons, personal experiences, or historical context to provide depth and make the essay more engaging.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains somewhat on topic but does not explore the subject matter in a meaningful way. The focus on the bike’s appearance is relevant, but the lack of broader context or exploration of the topic means the essay does not fully engage with the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should outline key points they wish to cover before writing. Ensuring that each paragraph contributes to a fuller understanding of the old motorbike will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay needs significant development in all areas to meet the criteria for a higher band score. Expanding on ideas, providing context, and maintaining a clear focus will greatly enhance the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a personal observation about a motorcycle but lacks a clear logical progression of ideas. The introduction of the motorcycle is abrupt, and the transition from the setting (being at a coffee shop) to the description of the motorcycle is not smooth. For instance, the phrase "I saw a motorcycle" does not effectively connect to the previous context of being with family, leading to confusion about the relationship between the two ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should establish a clearer connection between the setting and the observation. For example, starting with a sentence that links the family outing to the observation of the motorcycle—such as "While enjoying a coffee with my family, I noticed an impressive motorcycle parked nearby"—would create a more cohesive flow. Additionally, structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion would help in organizing thoughts logically.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is presented as a single block of text, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the writer’s thoughts. There is no clear separation of ideas, which is crucial for effective communication. The lack of paragraphs results in a dense reading experience that can overwhelm the reader.
  • How to improve: The writer should divide the essay into at least two paragraphs: one for the setting and the experience at the coffee shop, and another for the description and feelings about the motorcycle. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or theme, which will help to clarify the message and improve readability. For example, the first paragraph could describe the coffee shop experience, while the second could delve into the details of the motorcycle.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs very few cohesive devices, which hinders the flow of ideas. Phrases like "it’s so cool" and "I feel it so gorgeous" lack transitions that could link thoughts more effectively. The absence of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, pronouns, or transitional phrases makes the writing feel disjointed.
  • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using words like "however," "in addition," or "for example" can help connect sentences and ideas more fluidly. Additionally, referring back to the motorcycle with pronouns (e.g., "it," "its") can create a smoother narrative. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in different contexts will also enhance the overall coherence of the writing.

By addressing these areas—logical organization, effective paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices—the writer can significantly improve the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some effective choices such as "gorgeous," "cool," and "flawless." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly with phrases like "bigger than other ones" and "I prefer its posture, body," which could benefit from more varied descriptions. The use of "Honda brand" is somewhat awkward; it would be more natural to say "Honda motorcycle."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more descriptive adjectives. For instance, instead of "cool," you might use "stylish" or "sleek." Additionally, explore more specific terms related to motorcycles, such as "aesthetic," "design," or "features," to provide a richer description.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary choices are effective, others lack precision. For example, the phrase "standing alone still makes it perfect" is vague and could be interpreted in multiple ways. The term "body" is also too general; it would be more effective to specify what aspect of the motorcycle’s design you are referring to (e.g., "frame" or "structure").
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise language by choosing words that clearly convey your intended meaning. For example, instead of saying "makes it perfect," you could say "enhances its appeal." This not only clarifies your point but also elevates the overall quality of your writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, the phrase "I was at a coffee" is awkward and should be "at a coffee shop" or "having coffee," which reflects a lack of fluency and naturalness in expression.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy and overall fluency, practice writing complete sentences that reflect natural speech patterns. Reading more English texts can also help familiarize you with correct phrasing and spelling in context. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to catch minor errors before finalizing your work.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and natural expression. Focusing on these areas will help elevate your lexical resource score in future IELTS tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, such as "I saw a motorcycle" and "It’s from Honda brand." The use of more complex sentences is minimal, which restricts the overall sophistication of the writing. For instance, the phrase "I feel it so gorgeous that standing alone still makes it perfect" attempts complexity but lacks clarity and proper structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying, "I saw a motorcycle," you could say, "While sitting at a coffee shop with my family, I noticed a motorcycle that caught my attention." This not only adds complexity but also provides additional context.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For example, "from Honda brand" should be "from the Honda brand," which demonstrates a lack of article usage. Additionally, the phrase "it’s so cool, bigger than other ones I had seen" could be improved by using a comparative structure more effectively, such as "it is cooler and larger than any other motorcycle I have seen." The use of commas is also inconsistent; for instance, the sentence "I feel it so gorgeous that standing alone still makes it perfect, flawless" lacks clarity and could benefit from clearer punctuation.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on the correct use of articles and verb tenses. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can also help. For punctuation, ensure that commas are used to separate clauses appropriately and to clarify meaning. Reading more complex texts can help internalize proper grammatical structures and punctuation rules.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Today, while I was having coffee with my parents and my older brother, I saw a motorcycle. It is from the Honda brand, and it looks quite impressive, larger than others I have seen. I find it aesthetically pleasing; even when standing alone, it appears flawless. I prefer its design and overall appearance.