Animal species are becoming extinct as a result of human activities on land and in sea. Why has this happened? What is the solution ?

Animal species are becoming extinct as a result of human activities on land and in sea.
Why has this happened? What is the solution ?

The extinction of animal species is hotter and hotter in the world. It is common belief that the main causing effects on this problem is human activities on nature. Although numerous causes from human habits are attributed to this tendency, measures can be taken to mitigate these potential consequences.

On the one hand, there are several causes for endangered species from the habit of humans on land and sea. (Firstly,) polluted environments which is the central cause lead to species gradually becoming extinct. Nowadays, the population is more and more crowded and they have many essential demands such as transport, accommodation, and daily activities. Moreover, many factories and industries have been discharging chemical waste into rivers. Therefore, environmental degradation results in endangered animal species since they have to live in habitats which are air, water and soil pollution … For instance, more than 300 in total of 1050 species were dead because of environmental pollution. In addition, the (legal) hunting by humans is also a serious reason.

On the other hand, There are several actions that could be adopted to solve the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be to allocate more funding to encourage people to do something which protects the environment. Organizing competitions such as putting toxic trash, liquid waste into exactly places or classifying types of rubbish. Secondly, society should provide awareness programs to highlight the need for endangered animal species. Creating events or projects about the role of species for human’s life and the threat to their lives.

To conclude, human activities in nature contribute to the extinction of animals. I believe that awarding to encourage citydwellers and having propaganda programs can reduce endangered animal species.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "hotter and hotter" -> "increasingly severe"
   Explanation: The phrase "hotter and hotter" is colloquial and imprecise. "Increasingly severe" provides a more formal and accurate description of the escalating nature of the issue.

2. "It is common belief" -> "It is widely believed"
   Explanation: "It is common belief" is grammatically incorrect. "It is widely believed" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the statement.

3. "the main causing effects" -> "the primary causes"
   Explanation: "The main causing effects" is awkward and incorrect. "The primary causes" is grammatically correct and more precise.

4. "human activities on nature" -> "human activities affecting the natural environment"
   Explanation: "Human activities on nature" is vague and informal. "Human activities affecting the natural environment" is more specific and formal.

5. "measures can be taken" -> "mitigating measures can be implemented"
   Explanation: "Measures can be taken" is somewhat generic. "Mitigating measures can be implemented" specifies the type of measures and enhances the academic tone.

6. "polluted environments which is the central cause" -> "polluted environments, which is the primary cause"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks a comma, which is necessary for clarity. Adding "which" and "primary" improves the sentence structure and formality.

7. "more and more crowded" -> "increasingly crowded"
   Explanation: "More and more crowded" is informal and repetitive. "Increasingly crowded" is more concise and formal.

8. "they have to live in habitats which are air, water and soil pollution" -> "they inhabit environments contaminated with air, water, and soil pollutants"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and imprecise. The suggested revision clarifies the type of pollution and uses more formal language.

9. "more than 300 in total of 1050 species were dead" -> "over 300 of the 1050 species have become extinct"
   Explanation: "Were dead" is incorrect and informal. "Have become extinct" is the correct term and is more formal.

10. "the (legal) hunting by humans" -> "the legal hunting by humans"
    Explanation: The parentheses around "legal" are unnecessary and disrupt the flow of the sentence. Removing them improves readability and formality.

11. "allocate more funding to encourage people to do something which protects the environment" -> "allocate additional funding to incentivize environmentally protective actions"
    Explanation: The original phrase is vague and informal. The revision specifies the action and uses more formal language.

12. "Organizing competitions such as putting toxic trash, liquid waste into exactly places or classifying types of rubbish" -> "Implementing initiatives such as organizing waste sorting and proper disposal"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the actions and uses more precise and formal language.

13. "society should provide awareness programs" -> "societies should implement awareness campaigns"
    Explanation: "Provide awareness programs" is somewhat informal and vague. "Implement awareness campaigns" is more specific and formal.

14. "Creating events or projects about the role of species for human’s life" -> "Developing events or projects highlighting the role of species in human life"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances clarity and formality.

15. "I believe that awarding to encourage citydwellers" -> "I propose that incentives be offered to encourage city dwellers"
    Explanation: "Awarding to encourage" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "I propose that incentives be offered" is grammatically correct and more formal.

16. "having propaganda programs" -> "conducting public awareness campaigns"
    Explanation: "Having propaganda programs" is informal and potentially misleading. "Conducting public awareness campaigns" is more appropriate and neutral in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt, identifying causes of animal extinction due to human activities and suggesting solutions. The first paragraph discusses pollution and legal hunting as significant causes, while the second paragraph proposes funding and awareness programs as potential solutions. However, the treatment of these points could be more thorough. For instance, while pollution is mentioned, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of how specific human activities contribute to pollution and extinction.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explored in depth. This could involve providing more examples or statistics to support claims about the causes of extinction and elaborating on the proposed solutions with concrete actions or initiatives that could be implemented.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that human activities are responsible for animal extinction and that solutions can be implemented. However, the clarity of the position could be improved. The phrase "I believe that awarding to encourage citydwellers" is somewhat unclear and could confuse readers about the author’s stance. Additionally, the conclusion could more strongly reiterate the main points made in the essay.
  • How to improve: The writer should strive for clearer language and more precise phrasing throughout the essay. In the conclusion, it would be beneficial to summarize the main arguments succinctly and reinforce the importance of the proposed solutions to strengthen the overall position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the causes of extinction and potential solutions. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions "more than 300 in total of 1050 species were dead because of environmental pollution," it lacks context or a source for this statistic, which weakens its impact. The solutions proposed are also somewhat vague and lack specific details about implementation.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should include more specific examples and data to support claims. For instance, citing studies or reports on the effects of pollution on specific species would strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing detailed descriptions of how the proposed solutions could be executed would enhance the support for the ideas presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the issues of extinction and human impact. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph, where the solutions could be more directly tied back to the causes discussed earlier. The phrase "putting toxic trash, liquid waste into exactly places" is unclear and could distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each solution directly relates back to the causes identified. Clarifying language and avoiding vague phrases will help keep the reader engaged and ensure that the essay remains on topic. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help connect ideas more cohesively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from deeper analysis, clearer language, and more specific examples to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two sections could be more explicit. Additionally, the introduction states that "numerous causes from human habits are attributed to this tendency," but it could benefit from a clearer outline of what these causes will be before diving into them.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a more structured approach in the introduction by briefly outlining the main points that will be discussed. Additionally, use transitional phrases that not only signal a change in topic but also clarify the relationship between the sections. For example, phrases like "In response to these issues" could be used to introduce the solutions more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for coherence. The first body paragraph focuses on causes, while the second addresses solutions. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. The first body paragraph, for example, contains multiple ideas but lacks clear topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. The second body paragraph also feels somewhat underdeveloped, as it lists solutions without fully explaining how they would be implemented or their potential effectiveness.
  • How to improve: Strengthen each paragraph by starting with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For instance, in the first body paragraph, a sentence like "One of the primary causes of animal extinction is environmental pollution" would provide clarity. Additionally, ensure that each solution in the second body paragraph is elaborated upon with specific examples or explanations of how they could be executed effectively.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and can feel repetitive. For example, the phrase "Firstly" is used in both body paragraphs, which can make the writing feel formulaic. Additionally, there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer, such as the transition between the effects of pollution and hunting.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "Firstly," consider using alternatives like "To begin with," "In the first place," or "Another significant factor." Additionally, use devices that show cause and effect, such as "as a result," "consequently," or "thus," to clarify relationships between ideas. This will help create a more fluid reading experience and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a logical structure, improvements in the clarity of organization, development of paragraphs, and diversification of cohesive devices will enhance its overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "polluted environments," "environmental degradation," and "awarding to encourage citydwellers" show an effort to diversify language. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, such as the repeated use of "species" and "human activities." Additionally, phrases like "hotter and hotter" are informal and do not convey the intended meaning effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "species," they could use "wildlife," "fauna," or "animal populations." Furthermore, replacing informal phrases with more academic alternatives, such as "increasingly prevalent" instead of "hotter and hotter," would improve the overall tone and sophistication of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices that hinder clarity. For example, "the main causing effects on this problem" is awkwardly phrased and could be more clearly articulated as "the primary causes of this issue." The phrase "putting toxic trash, liquid waste into exactly places" is also vague and confusing, lacking clarity in meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using clear and specific terms. For instance, instead of "putting toxic trash," they could say "properly disposing of hazardous waste." Encouraging the use of more specific language will help convey ideas more effectively and enhance the overall quality of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall impression. Words such as "citydwellers" should be written as "city dwellers," and "awarding" in the context used is unclear and likely incorrect. Additionally, the phrase "more than 300 in total of 1050 species were dead" is awkward and could be better expressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall clarity, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common spelling errors and ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checking software can also be beneficial. Moreover, practicing writing with attention to detail will help in reducing such errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, using more precise language, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("The extinction of animal species is hotter and hotter in the world.") and compound sentences ("Although numerous causes from human habits are attributed to this tendency, measures can be taken to mitigate these potential consequences."). However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences follow a similar structure, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the use of "Firstly" and "Secondly" to introduce points is a common structure that could be diversified. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the main causing effects on this problem," which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly," try using phrases like "In addition to this," or "Another significant factor is." Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "polluted environments which is the central cause lead to species gradually becoming extinct" should be corrected to "polluted environments, which are the central cause, lead to species gradually becoming extinct." The lack of commas in this instance leads to confusion. Furthermore, there are subject-verb agreement issues, such as "more than 300 in total of 1050 species were dead," which should be revised to "more than 300 out of 1050 species have died." Additionally, the use of capitalization in "There are several actions" is incorrect as it should not be capitalized mid-sentence.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and conjunctions, will also enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and grammatical errors. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools to catch mistakes before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents relevant ideas, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The extinction of animal species is becoming increasingly severe around the world. It is widely believed that the primary causes of this issue are human activities affecting the natural environment. Although numerous factors stemming from human habits contribute to this trend, mitigating measures can be implemented to address these potential consequences.

On the one hand, there are several causes for the endangerment of species due to human habits on land and in the sea. Firstly, polluted environments, which are the primary cause, lead to species gradually becoming extinct. Nowadays, the population is increasingly crowded, and people have many essential demands such as transportation, accommodation, and daily activities. Moreover, many factories and industries have been discharging chemical waste into rivers. As a result, environmental degradation leads to endangered animal species, as they inhabit environments contaminated with air, water, and soil pollutants. For instance, over 300 of the 1,050 species have become extinct due to environmental pollution. In addition, legal hunting by humans is also a serious factor contributing to this issue.

On the other hand, several actions could be adopted to solve the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be to allocate additional funding to incentivize environmentally protective actions. Initiatives such as organizing waste sorting and proper disposal competitions can encourage community participation. Secondly, societies should implement awareness campaigns to highlight the need for protecting endangered animal species. Developing events or projects that emphasize the role of species in human life and the threats they face can also be beneficial.

To conclude, human activities in nature significantly contribute to the extinction of animals. I propose that incentives be offered to encourage city dwellers to engage in environmentally friendly practices, along with conducting public awareness campaigns to reduce the number of endangered animal species.