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Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are as important for children’s development as other subjects, so they should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree?

Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are as important for children’s development as other subjects, so they should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree?

One school of thought holds that the role of art, such as painting or drawing, is essential to children's lives. It should become a subject in the curriculum in classes. From my perspective, these courses, although significant to the growth of children, should not be compulsory in their curriculum.

The proponents of the conception that art plays a vital role in children's development could cite several compelling reasons for their argument. One key rationale is that when children approach the art program, which helps the pupil by providing an enjoyable and creative method, To illustrate, while people who are only learning other subjects like math or academic subjects, learners who are studying painting or drawing can be able to learn to observe painting and understand the author's emotions through paintings. Therefore, they will learn how to understand human psychology. Another point is that children will easily gain job opportunities in their many job-related fields in the future. A good example of this is that designers who are in need of art skills, such as enhancing their creativity and improving their flexibility, being approached early in high school can be able to raise skills about their major at adlutwork. Consequently, the art is likely to be very beneficial for young people when they are students.

However, while this could have several positive impacts on teenagers' career studies, it is also not compulsory in the program for children in high school. Firstly, not every student is necessary for their career in the future. For example, if employees pursue job-related science, they should focus on science subjects such as math, physicals, or other subjects that can improve their positive skills for their job. Therefore, art is not clearly important in their program study, and being creative for children feels like a waste of time. On the other hand, from a personal mental standpoint, not every student is enthusiastic about art, which makes children feel bored and stressed during the study period. Particularly, learners will struggle to grow into dynamic in an environment that does not share the same interests. If they are forced to learn art that is not suitable for them, they will feel stressed, and their psychology will be deeply damaged. Consequently, art is not only popular for its employability in the future but also for making many people vulnerable because it is not suitable for virtual reality.

In conclusion, while art is intended to assist adolescents in learning how to understand the value psychology of mental humans, it should not be mandatory but should be left to students to choose freely. 


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "One school of thought holds that the role of art, such as painting or drawing, is essential to children’s lives. It should become a subject in the curriculum in classes."
    -> "One perspective posits that the contribution of art, encompassing disciplines like painting and drawing, is indispensable to the lives of children. It should be integrated into the academic curriculum."
    Explanation: Replacing "holds" with "posits" and restructuring the sentence with more sophisticated vocabulary enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  2. "From my perspective, these courses, although significant to the growth of children, should not be compulsory in their curriculum."
    -> "In my view, while these courses play a crucial role in the development of children, they should not be mandatory components of their curriculum."
    Explanation: The phrase "although significant to the growth of children" is replaced with a more concise and formal expression, and the structure of the sentence is refined for better academic tone.

  3. "The proponents of the conception that art plays a vital role in children’s development could cite several compelling reasons for their argument."
    -> "Advocates of the notion that art plays a pivotal role in children’s development could present various compelling reasons to support their argument."
    Explanation: Substituting "proponents" with "advocates" and refining the phrasing enhances the academic formality and precision of the sentence.

  4. "when children approach the art program, which helps the pupil by providing an enjoyable and creative method, To illustrate, while people who are only learning other subjects like math or academic subjects, learners who are studying painting or drawing can be able to learn to observe painting and understand the author’s emotions through paintings."
    -> "When children engage with the art program, designed to assist students through an enjoyable and creative methodology, they gain unique insights. For instance, unlike individuals exclusively focused on subjects such as math or academics, learners immersed in painting or drawing can develop observational skills and comprehend the emotions conveyed by the artist."
    Explanation: The revised version replaces repetitive phrases and introduces more precise language to improve clarity and academic tone.

  5. "A good example of this is that designers who are in need of art skills, such as enhancing their creativity and improving their flexibility, being approached early in high school can be able to raise skills about their major at adlutwork."
    -> "An illustrative case involves designers seeking art skills to enhance creativity and flexibility. If introduced to these skills early in high school, they can significantly augment their proficiency relevant to their future professional endeavors."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity, and "raise skills about their major at adlutwork" is replaced with a more formal expression for professional development.

  6. "However, while this could have several positive impacts on teenagers’ career studies, it is also not compulsory in the program for children in high school."
    -> "Nevertheless, although it could positively influence teenagers’ career studies, its inclusion in the high school curriculum is not mandatory."
    Explanation: The sentence is revised for conciseness and improved formality by replacing "positive impacts" with "positively influence" and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence.

  7. "For example, if employees pursue job-related science, they should focus on science subjects such as math, physicals, or other subjects that can improve their positive skills for their job."
    -> "For instance, if individuals pursue careers in science-related fields, they should concentrate on subjects like mathematics and the physical sciences, which enhance the specific skills required for their profession."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined to avoid redundancy and to introduce more precise vocabulary for academic style.

  8. "art is not clearly important in their program study, and being creative for children feels like a waste of time."
    -> "Art may not be inherently crucial in their academic curriculum, and fostering creativity in children may be perceived as an inefficient use of time."
    Explanation: The sentence is revised for clarity and to eliminate ambiguity, and the phrase "feels like a waste of time" is replaced with a more formal expression.

  9. "On the other hand, from a personal mental standpoint, not every student is enthusiastic about art, which makes children feel bored and stressed during the study period."
    -> "Conversely, from a psychological perspective, not every student harbors enthusiasm for art, leading to boredom and stress during the study period."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for conciseness and to introduce a more formal term, "psychological perspective."

  10. "Particularly, learners will struggle to grow into dynamic in an environment that does not share the same interests."
    -> "Specifically, learners may face challenges in cultivating dynamism within an environment lacking shared interests."
    Explanation: The word "dynamic" is replaced with "cultivating dynamism," and the sentence is refined for clarity and formality.

  11. "If they are forced to learn art that is not suitable for them, they will feel stressed, and their psychology will be deeply damaged."
    -> "Being compelled to study art that is unsuitable for them may induce stress and result in profound psychological distress."
    Explanation: The sentence is restructured for conciseness and to introduce more formal language, avoiding casual expressions like "forced to learn."

  12. "Consequently, art is not only popular for its employability in the future but also for making many people vulnerable because it is not suitable for virtual reality."
    -> "Thus, art’s significance extends beyond its future employability, encompassing a potential vulnerability for individuals due to its limited applicability in virtual reality."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined to enhance formality and precision, avoiding the colloquial use of "popular" and introducing more specific language regarding the limitations in virtual reality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument but lacks clarity in presenting a definitive position. While it acknowledges the importance of art classes for children’s development, it ultimately argues against making them compulsory without a strong stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should clearly state whether it agrees or disagrees with the prompt. This can be achieved by providing a concise thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines the position taken.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay wavers between supporting and opposing the idea of making art classes compulsory. At times, it seems to lean towards the importance of art, but the overall stance is not consistently maintained.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should establish a firm stance in the introduction and consistently reinforce it throughout the essay. This can be achieved by maintaining a clear focus on the chosen position in each paragraph.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both the benefits and drawbacks of compulsory art classes, but the development is uneven. Some points lack elaboration and concrete examples, making the argument less persuasive.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more specific examples and details to support each point. Additionally, ensure a balanced presentation of ideas, giving equal attention to both sides of the argument to create a well-rounded discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally deviates from the main argument. The discussion about job opportunities and the impact on mental well-being somewhat veers off the central theme of whether art classes should be compulsory.
    • How to improve: Focus on directly addressing the prompt and avoid introducing tangential points. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the central argument and maintains relevance to the topic of the importance of compulsory art classes.

In conclusion, while the essay presents a thoughtful discussion on the role of art classes in children’s development, improvements in maintaining a clear position, providing specific examples, and staying focused on the prompt would elevate its overall coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction presenting the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs discuss both sides of the argument in separate sections, providing reasons and examples. The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s position.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining coherence. However, there is a slight issue with paragraph length, as some paragraphs are quite lengthy. Breaking them into shorter, more focused paragraphs would improve readability.
    • How to improve: Aim for a balance between paragraph length and unity. When a new idea or point is introduced, consider starting a new paragraph to enhance clarity and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as transitional phrases (e.g., "however," "on the other hand") to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. While these devices contribute to coherence, there is room for improvement in using a wider variety of cohesive devices.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and repetition, to create a more diverse and sophisticated connection between sentences and ideas. This will elevate the overall cohesion of the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, balancing paragraph length, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more nuanced connection of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It effectively uses words and phrases related to the topic, such as "compelling reasons," "key rationale," "job opportunities," and "positive skills." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. Some expressions are repeated, and a more extensive range could enhance the depth of analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "job opportunities," explore alternatives like "career prospects" or "professional avenues." Additionally, make deliberate efforts to introduce more sophisticated terms when discussing concepts such as creativity, psychology, or career development.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "approached early in high school" could be refined for clearer expression. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "raising skills about their major at adlutwork," which may impact the overall clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In the case of the mentioned phrase, consider rephrasing it to something like "developing skills relevant to their major during adolescence." Regularly review sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that the chosen words accurately represent your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some spelling errors, such as "physicals" instead of "physics" and "adlutwork" instead of "adult work." While these errors do not significantly hinder understanding, they do impact the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your essay thoroughly before submission. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processing software. Additionally, consider creating a checklist of common words prone to errors and review them specifically during the editing process. Developing a habit of proofreading systematically will contribute to better spelling accuracy in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentence structures, such as the use of subordinating clauses. However, a predominant reliance on simple and compound sentences is observed. The author employs varied sentence openings but could benefit from more diversity in sentence lengths and structures for a richer expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences, using different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, adverbial clauses). Experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more engaging and varied rhythm in the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally sound grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("if employees pursue job-related science," should be "if employees pursue a job-related science"). Punctuation is mostly accurate, but attention is needed to ensure consistency in the use of commas and improve precision in the placement of punctuation marks.
    • How to improve: Conduct thorough proofreading to identify and correct grammatical errors, paying specific attention to subject-verb agreement. Review the use of commas for consistency and precision. Ensure that punctuation marks are appropriately placed to enhance clarity and readability. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools for additional insights.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures, contributing to a cohesive and understandable piece. To elevate the score, focus on refining the variety of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors to enhance overall precision and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

One perspective suggests that the role of art, including disciplines like painting and drawing, is crucial for children’s development and should be integrated into the academic curriculum. In my view, while these courses play a significant role in children’s growth, making them mandatory components of the curriculum may not be necessary.

Advocates of the idea that art plays a vital role in children’s development can provide various compelling reasons to support their argument. When children engage with an art program designed to assist them through an enjoyable and creative methodology, they gain unique insights. For instance, unlike individuals solely focused on subjects like math or academics, learners immersed in painting or drawing can develop observational skills and comprehend the emotions conveyed by the artist. An illustrative case involves designers seeking art skills to enhance creativity and flexibility. If introduced to these skills early in high school, they can significantly augment their proficiency relevant to their future professional endeavors.

Nevertheless, although it could positively influence teenagers’ career studies, its inclusion in the high school curriculum is not mandatory. For instance, if individuals pursue careers in science-related fields, they should concentrate on subjects like mathematics and the physical sciences, which enhance the specific skills required for their profession. Art may not be inherently crucial in their academic curriculum, and fostering creativity in children may be perceived as an inefficient use of time.

Conversely, from a psychological perspective, not every student harbors enthusiasm for art, leading to boredom and stress during the study period. Specifically, learners may face challenges in cultivating dynamism within an environment lacking shared interests. Being compelled to study art that is unsuitable for them may induce stress and result in profound psychological distress. Thus, art’s significance extends beyond its future employability, encompassing a potential vulnerability for individuals due to its limited applicability in virtual reality.

In conclusion, while art is intended to assist adolescents in learning how to understand the value of human psychology, making it mandatory may not be the best approach. Instead, it should be left to students to choose freely based on their interests and career goals.

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