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As computers are being used more and more in educati on, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classro om. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge. Keep your word count between 250-300 words

As computers are being used more and more in educati on, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classro om. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.
Keep your word count between 250-300 words

In this essay, I will discuss the statement that there is an increasing number of technologies being used for education purposes, which puts teachers at risk of losing their position in a traditional classroom. I believe that computers have greatly simplified our learning, however, they also present some challenges and struggles. I will shed light on both sides of this issue.
On the one hand, using technology for teaching purposes can bring several advantages. First, it can offer a wealth of knowledge. Since there is tons of information and data, students may obtain the information they need and cultivate important soft skills effectively. For example, nowadays many people utilize YouTube to learn how to play guitar. As a result, students can expand their horizons much more conveniently. Second, a flexible schedule is another benefit of applying digital devices in the classroom. It can be seen that online courses give students more time slots, therefore students can arrange themselves with a suitable timetable. For instance, those who have an occupation can make use of leisure time to participate in class. Consequently, individuals can become degree holders without affecting work.
On the other hand, bringing electronic devices into learning may cause numerous disadvantages. To begin with, there is a lack of in-person connection between students and teachers. Additionally, students are not permitted to linger after class to inquire about homework. As a consequence, individuals can have a negative impact on test results. Another drawback is the inability of machines to inspire humans. To illustrate, in regular classrooms, teachers usually ask about their pupils’ studies or say something that would lift their spirits. If students do not have support from teachers, they will give up further studies.
In conclusion, although online classes have many advantages, there are many downsides that are worth taking into consideration.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "which puts teachers at risk of losing their position in a traditional classroom" -> "potentially jeopardizing the role of teachers in a traditional classroom"
    Explanation: Replacing "puts teachers at risk" with "potentially jeopardizing the role of teachers" enhances formality and precision, aligning with academic tone.

  2. "I believe that computers have greatly simplified our learning, however, they also present some challenges and struggles." -> "While I acknowledge that computers have significantly streamlined our learning processes, they also pose certain challenges and difficulties."
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces a concessive conjunction ("while") and uses more nuanced language, contributing to a more sophisticated and formal expression.

  3. "there is tons of information and data" -> "there is a plethora of information and data"
    Explanation: Substituting "tons" with "a plethora" elevates the language, providing a more formal and precise expression suitable for academic writing.

  4. "students may obtain the information they need and cultivate important soft skills effectively" -> "students can acquire the necessary information and develop crucial soft skills proficiently"
    Explanation: The replacement enhances precision by using "acquire" instead of "obtain" and employs more advanced vocabulary with "proficiently" in place of "effectively."

  5. "For example, nowadays many people utilize YouTube to learn how to play guitar." -> "For instance, contemporary individuals often leverage YouTube for acquiring guitar-playing skills."
    Explanation: The revision substitutes "nowadays" with "contemporary" and refines the sentence for a more formal and refined expression.

  6. "It can be seen that online courses give students more time slots, therefore students can arrange themselves with a suitable timetable." -> "Online courses provide students with greater flexibility in scheduling, allowing them to tailor their timetables to their needs."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces "It can be seen that" with a more direct statement and employs formal language for better academic style.

  7. "those who have an occupation can make use of leisure time to participate in class." -> "individuals with professional commitments can utilize their leisure time for class participation."
    Explanation: The suggestion maintains clarity while using more formal terms like "professional commitments" instead of "occupation."

  8. "consequently, individuals can become degree holders without affecting work." -> "as a result, individuals can attain academic degrees without disrupting their professional commitments."
    Explanation: The replacement introduces a causal link with "as a result" and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  9. "To begin with, there is a lack of in-person connection between students and teachers." -> "Firstly, there exists a dearth of face-to-face interaction between students and teachers."
    Explanation: The revision replaces "To begin with" with "Firstly" for a more formal transition, and "dearth" is a more formal synonym for "lack."

  10. "If students do not have support from teachers, they will give up further studies." -> "Without the guidance and support of teachers, students may discontinue their academic pursuits."
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces a conditional statement and uses more formal language, maintaining the academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

  1. Quoted text: "In this essay, I will discuss the statement that there is an increasing number of technologies being used for education purposes, which puts teachers at risk of losing their position in a traditional classroom."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While your introduction attempts to address the topic, it lacks clarity and conciseness. It would be more effective to state your position clearly. For instance, you can rephrase it to something like, "In this essay, I will explore the impact of technology on traditional teaching methods and argue that while it offers advantages, there are significant drawbacks as well."
    • Improved example: "In this essay, I will explore the impact of technology on traditional teaching methods and argue that while it offers advantages, there are significant drawbacks as well. This nuanced examination will shed light on the evolving role of teachers in the face of advancing educational technologies."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, using technology for teaching purposes can bring several advantages."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This section introduces the positive aspects well, but it lacks depth. Instead of making broad statements, provide specific examples or elaborate on each point. For example, you could elaborate on how technology facilitates effective self-paced learning, citing personal experiences or well-known instances.
    • Improved example: "One notable advantage of incorporating technology in education is its ability to facilitate self-paced learning. For instance, platforms like Khan Academy empower students to grasp concepts at their own speed, ensuring a more thorough understanding of the material."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, bringing electronic devices into learning may cause numerous disadvantages."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you touch upon the disadvantages, your points lack specificity. It would be beneficial to provide concrete examples or personal experiences to illustrate these drawbacks. For instance, you could share a personal anecdote about the challenges of online learning affecting your ability to connect with teachers.
    • Improved example: "However, the drawbacks of integrating electronic devices into education are not to be ignored. A personal experience I encountered was the lack of in-person connection with teachers during online classes, hindering the immediate clarification of doubts that in-person interactions allow."

Overall, your essay needs more developed and specific examples to support your points, providing a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay falls into the Band 6 category for Coherence and Cohesion. It organizes information in a generally coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The introduction presents the topic, and there is an attempt at a balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of using technology in education. However, the organization could be improved for better clarity.

The use of cohesive devices is evident, but there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, with some ideas lacking clear development within paragraphs.

Despite these issues, the essay does maintain a central focus within each paragraph, and the overall progression of ideas is discernible. There is an attempt to present contrasting viewpoints, contributing to a reasonably cohesive structure.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance the logical organization of ideas by ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs.
  2. Work on improving the cohesion within and between sentences. Pay attention to the flow of ideas and use cohesive devices more effectively to link sentences and paragraphs.
  3. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas within paragraphs are developed cohesively.
  4. Consider refining the introduction and conclusion for better framing of the essay’s argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay contains occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

The essay effectively employs a variety of vocabulary to convey ideas. For example, phrases like "wealth of knowledge," "cultivate important soft skills," and "negative impact on test results" showcase a diverse lexical range. The use of the phrase "flexible schedule" demonstrates an attempt at less common vocabulary. However, there are occasional errors, such as the misspelling of "education" in the essay prompt and a few instances of awkward word choices, like "put teachers at risk of losing their position," which could be refined for smoother expression.

Despite these minor errors, the essay maintains a level of coherence and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective on the role of technology in education. There’s a clear attempt to use varied vocabulary, contributing to the overall lexical resource of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choice and avoiding minor errors. Attention to detail in spelling and careful consideration of vocabulary usage, especially in complex structures, will contribute to a more sophisticated and accurate expression. Additionally, the writer may explore more diverse and uncommon lexical items to further elevate the lexical range of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating varied sentence forms. There is an attempt at using a range of structures, although occasional errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable throughout the essay. While the essay communicates the intended message, these errors can occasionally hinder clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the score, focus on refining the use of complex structures with more accuracy. Review sentence structures to ensure a wider variety and strive for greater precision in grammar and punctuation to reduce errors that occasionally disrupt the flow and clarity of ideas. Additionally, aim for more cohesive and developed arguments to strengthen the overall essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this essay, I will address the topic concerning the increased use of technology in education and its potential impact on the role of teachers in traditional classrooms. I strongly believe that while computers have significantly enhanced our learning experiences, they also present certain challenges. I intend to explore both the positive and negative aspects of this issue.

On one hand, the utilization of technology in education offers numerous advantages. Primarily, it provides access to a vast wealth of knowledge. The abundance of information available online enables students to acquire necessary information and develop essential soft skills effectively. For instance, platforms like YouTube are widely used for learning various skills, such as playing the guitar, allowing students to broaden their horizons conveniently. Additionally, the flexibility offered by digital devices in scheduling is noteworthy. Online courses provide students with more flexible time slots, enabling them to organize their schedules according to their convenience. This flexibility allows working individuals to pursue education without compromising their professional commitments.

Conversely, integrating electronic devices into learning environments can also pose several disadvantages. Firstly, it often results in a lack of face-to-face interaction between students and teachers. Consequently, students may miss the opportunity to seek clarification or guidance after class, potentially impacting their academic performance. Moreover, machines lack the ability to inspire and motivate students in the same way that human teachers can. In traditional classrooms, teachers often offer encouragement or engage students in discussions about their studies, which can significantly influence students’ motivation to learn and progress further.

In conclusion, although online learning platforms offer numerous advantages, it’s essential to acknowledge and consider the significant drawbacks they present. While technology enhances learning in various ways, the absence of direct teacher-student interaction and the inability of machines to inspire could hinder the overall educational experience. Balancing the benefits and limitations of technology in education is crucial for creating an effective learning environment.

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