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As countries progress, there is a trend towards living alone or in smaller family units. What might be the causes of this trend and its effects on society?

As countries progress, there is a trend towards living alone or in smaller family units. What might be the causes of this trend and its effects on society?

Transformations in the family structure within the community are a subject of interest in the contemporary world. With the evolution of the nation, there is a growing trend of individuals opting for independent living or expressing a preference for nuclear families. This essay will outline a couple of reasons why it is happening before presenting its impacts on the societal level.

The primary reason for this trend may result from individuals' complete dedication to their professional lives. Given that individuals nowadays often work tirelessly to meet their financial needs or attain professional accomplishments, they devote a significant portion of their time to their work. They may believe that residing with their families under the same roof would necessitate spending time on household chores or engaging in intimate conversations after work, thereby reducing the time available for their professional commitments. Therefore, individuals may choose to move out and live independently to allocate more time to their work without external disturbances. Besides, in some nations, adults living with their small family can be already deemed as an accomplishment. Because this means that they can provide for their family and be financially independent.

From my perspective, this trend toward independent living and nuclear families can exert both positive and negative influences on society. Granted, society comprises families; thus, smaller family units can be synonymous with simpler societal structures, facilitating government control. Nevertheless, the consequences of this phenomenon should not be underestimated. Since people live alone, they will further the distance between them and other family members. This can fuel conflicts and misunderstandings, leading to deteriorating relationships among them. Consequently, this will adversely impact society as a whole due to the increase in dysfunctional families.

In conclusion, devotion to work and cultural expectation are the main underlying causes of this trend, and its impact on the society can be beneficial but also detrimental, to some extent.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Transformations in the family structure within the community are a subject of interest in the contemporary world." -> "Changes in the family structure within the community are a matter of interest in the contemporary world."
    Explanation: The term "transformations" is a bit too broad and less specific than "changes." Additionally, replacing "subject of interest" with "matter of interest" maintains a formal tone.

  2. "With the evolution of the nation, there is a growing trend of individuals opting for independent living or expressing a preference for nuclear families." -> "As the nation evolves, an increasing number of individuals are opting for independent living or expressing a preference for nuclear families."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and flow. Using "As the nation evolves" instead of "With the evolution of the nation" adds a smoother transition, and "an increasing number of individuals" is more formal than "there is a growing trend."

  3. "This essay will outline a couple of reasons why it is happening before presenting its impacts on the societal level." -> "This essay will delineate several reasons for this phenomenon before examining its societal impacts."
    Explanation: Replacing "a couple of reasons" with "several reasons" enhances formality. Also, changing "why it is happening" to "for this phenomenon" adds precision. Lastly, using "delineate" instead of "outline" is more academically formal.

  4. "The primary reason for this trend may result from individuals’ complete dedication to their professional lives." -> "The primary cause of this trend may stem from individuals’ complete dedication to their professional lives."
    Explanation: Substituting "reason" with "cause" adds specificity and formality. Also, replacing "result from" with "stem from" maintains academic tone.

  5. "Given that individuals nowadays often work tirelessly to meet their financial needs or attain professional accomplishments, they devote a significant portion of their time to their work." -> "Considering that contemporary individuals frequently work diligently to meet their financial needs or achieve professional milestones, they allocate a substantial portion of their time to work."
    Explanation: Using "contemporary individuals" instead of "individuals nowadays" is more formal. Replacing "work tirelessly" with "work diligently" maintains the meaning while adding formality. Also, changing "devote" to "allocate" enhances precision.

  6. "They may believe that residing with their families under the same roof would necessitate spending time on household chores or engaging in intimate conversations after work, thereby reducing the time available for their professional commitments." -> "They may believe that cohabitating with their families would entail dedicating time to household chores or engaging in intimate conversations after work, consequently diminishing the time available for their professional commitments."
    Explanation: Replacing "residing with" with "cohabitating with" and "necessitate" with "entail" adds formality. Also, using "consequently diminishing" enhances precision.

  7. "Besides, in some nations, adults living with their small family can be already deemed as an accomplishment." -> "Moreover, in some nations, adults living with their nuclear families may already be regarded as an accomplishment."
    Explanation: Replacing "Besides" with "Moreover" improves the transition. Changing "small family" to "nuclear families" is more precise and formal. Also, replacing "can be already deemed" with "may already be regarded" adds formality.

  8. "From my perspective, this trend toward independent living and nuclear families can exert both positive and negative influences on society." -> "In my view, this trend toward independent living and nuclear families can have both positive and negative influences on society."
    Explanation: Beginning with "In my view" adds a more formal and personal touch. Replacing "exert" with "have" maintains clarity and formality.

  9. "Since people live alone, they will further the distance between them and other family members." -> "Living alone creates additional distance between individuals and other family members."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence for clarity. Using "creates additional distance" instead of "further the distance" maintains formality.

  10. "Consequently, this will adversely impact society as a whole due to the increase in dysfunctional families." -> "As a result, this will have an adverse impact on society as a whole due to the rise in dysfunctional families."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity. Replacing "adversely impact" with "have an adverse impact" adds formality. Using "rise" instead of "increase" is more precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the trend of living alone or in smaller family units, provides reasons for the trend, and discusses its effects on society. Relevant sections include the introduction, where the trend is introduced, and the conclusion, where the causes and effects are summarized.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing more specific examples or elaborations for each cause and effect mentioned. This would add depth to the analysis and further strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The author acknowledges the trend and explicitly expresses a balanced viewpoint on its positive and negative impacts. The position is evident in phrases such as "From my perspective" and "Nevertheless."
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, providing more nuanced reasons or counterarguments could add sophistication to the essay. This would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and contribute to a more nuanced discussion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides reasons for the trend (work dedication and cultural expectations) and elaborates on both positive and negative effects on society. Instances include the discussion of time allocation to work and the impact on family relationships.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider incorporating more specific examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to illustrate the points made. This would add concrete evidence and make the arguments more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes and effects of the trend of living alone or in smaller family units. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing the positive aspect of simpler societal structures and government control. While relevant, this point could be more directly tied to the effects on society.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each point made is directly connected to the essay prompt. When discussing societal impacts, explicitly link the idea of simpler societal structures to the overall effects on society for better cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing each checklist item. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, nuanced arguments, and maintaining a direct connection between ideas and the essay prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic and the essay’s structure, followed by clear body paragraphs discussing reasons and impacts. The conclusion appropriately summarizes the main points. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the positive aspects of smaller families to the negative ones might benefit from a more explicit transitional sentence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider incorporating transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph. For example, introducing contrasting ideas with phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can guide the reader through shifts in argumentation.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, maintaining a clear separation of ideas. However, the essay contains a few lengthy sentences, which might affect readability. Breaking these sentences into shorter ones could enhance clarity and make the text more reader-friendly.
    • How to improve: While maintaining the clear paragraph structure, pay attention to sentence length. Aim for a balance between longer and shorter sentences to ensure that the ideas are conveyed clearly and concisely.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "besides," "in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and precision of these devices. For instance, consider using more advanced transitions to establish connections between ideas and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating advanced linking words and phrases. For instance, using words like "moreover," "furthermore," or "consequently" can contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive essay structure.

In summary, the essay effectively organizes information with a logical structure and appropriate paragraphing. To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on improving transitions between paragraphs and incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and connected argumentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating words and phrases such as "evolution of the nation," "complete dedication," "intimate conversations," "financial independence," "underestimated," and "dysfunctional families." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary, particularly in the use of synonyms and more sophisticated terms. Expanding the range could enhance the depth and nuance of the essay.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more varied synonyms and advanced vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. For instance, instead of using the term "complete dedication," explore alternatives such as "unwavering commitment" or "utmost devotion" to add richness to the expression. Additionally, strive for a balance between everyday language and more specialized vocabulary to elevate the overall lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, with terms like "nuclear families," "financial accomplishments," and "dysfunctional families" contributing to clarity of expression. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise, such as the use of the term "accomplishment" in the context of living with a small family. While the idea is conveyed, a more precise term, like "milestone" or "achievement," would enhance the accuracy.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the case of "accomplishment," consider alternatives like "milestone" or "achievement" based on the specific nuance you wish to convey. Always evaluate whether a more precise term exists to avoid any potential ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally adheres to correct spelling conventions. However, there are a few instances where minor errors, such as missing articles ("the") before certain nouns, slightly impact the overall spelling accuracy. For example, "impact on society" could be enhanced by including "the impact on society."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to articles (a, an, the) and ensure their proper use. Proofread your work to catch any minor spelling errors, as they can influence the reader’s perception of your attention to detail. Consider revisiting each sentence to confirm the correct placement of articles for improved grammatical accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable use of sentence structures. Various sentence types, such as complex and compound sentences, are employed effectively. For instance, the use of conditional sentences ("Given that individuals nowadays often work tirelessly") and contrasting structures ("Granted, society comprises families; thus, smaller family units can be synonymous with simpler societal structures") adds depth to the expression.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating more advanced sentence constructions, such as inverted sentences, parallel structures, or rhetorical devices. Additionally, pay attention to the flow and coherence of complex sentences to ensure clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. Verb tenses are appropriately used, and there are minimal errors in subject-verb agreement. Punctuation is generally correct, with proper use of commas and semicolons. However, there are a few instances where sentence structure could be revised for smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy further, focus on refining sentence structures for better coherence. Be cautious with the placement of commas and ensure that they are used consistently for clarity. Pay attention to word choices to avoid any ambiguity. For instance, in the sentence, "Because this means that they can provide for their family and be financially independent," consider revising for conciseness: "This implies their ability to provide for their family and achieve financial independence."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. Attention to minor improvements in sentence clarity and further diversification of sentence structures could elevate the score to an even higher level.

Bài sửa mẫu

Transformations in family structures within communities are currently attracting considerable attention. As nations progress, a notable trend emerges, with more individuals choosing independent living or expressing a preference for nuclear families. This essay will elucidate several reasons for this phenomenon before examining its societal impacts.

The primary driver of this trend often lies in individuals’ wholehearted commitment to their professional lives. Given that contemporary individuals frequently work diligently to meet their financial needs or achieve professional milestones, they allocate a substantial portion of their time to their work. The perception is that cohabitating with family would involve dedicating time to household chores or engaging in intimate conversations after work, potentially diminishing the time available for professional commitments. Consequently, some individuals opt for independent living to prioritize their work without external disturbances. Additionally, in certain nations, adults living with their nuclear families are already viewed as achieving success, indicating financial independence and the ability to provide for their families.

From my perspective, this trend toward independent living and nuclear families can have both positive and negative influences on society. Granted, society comprises families; thus, smaller family units can imply simpler societal structures, facilitating government control. However, the repercussions of this phenomenon should not be underestimated. Living alone creates additional distance between individuals and other family members, potentially leading to conflicts and misunderstandings, resulting in deteriorating relationships. Consequently, this can adversely impact society as a whole, contributing to the rise in dysfunctional families.

In conclusion, the dedication to work and cultural expectations are the main underlying causes of this trend. While the impact on society can be beneficial in terms of simpler structures, it also poses the risk of detrimental effects, particularly in the form of strained family relationships.

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