As life expectancy is increasing, people work after retirement with pay. Alternatively, some people start to work at a young age.
As life expectancy is increasing, people work after retirement with pay. Alternatively, some people start to work at a young age.
Workforce has never been a hive of activity like today, with sweeping changes in the type of workers. Typically, as for the mounting life expectancy, more and more post-retirement workers are confident to sign on contracts to be part-timers, whilst a blaze of adolescents is giving themselves a shot.
Both are believed to spark off influences on the workforce development.
In essence, people at their retirement age are contented with part-time jobs, since it is blatantly obvious that this will be hugely advantageous. As a general rule, people who reach this phase of life encounter tedium and loneliness, since they are left without support at home or in a nursery center. Thus, having a job would provide golden opportunities for their own happiness and a sense of purpose. In economy terms, companies are willing to allocate a part of their budget to this working group, since they can boost up their own savings without being over-dependent on their children. Be that as it may, their health is prone to be their biggest enemies and companies might fork out an insurmountable amount of money for healthcare support.
Young people, with another perspective in mind, set themselves clear objectives of bringing a fresh breath to the country’s economy. Indeed, their key selling points are courage, creativity, and passion which consequently pay dividends for companies. However, it is the firsthand experience that matters most, as they are still in their infancies and need to improve through time. Another aspect of their join is their capability to harness technology in real work. With workers pushing back the frontier of technology nowadays, one company at the same time can satisfy the demands of their target market and stimulate growth. Nevertheless, young workers are still liable to be distracted by the lure of money, hence they can be lack of focus on their education.
In brief, regardless of the positive or negative impact each group may have on the labour market, both groups equally contribute to the economic development and deserve recognition from the society.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"hive of activity" -> "center of activity"
Explanation: While "hive of activity" is a colorful expression, it’s too informal for academic writing. "Center of activity" maintains the idea of a bustling environment while sounding more formal. -
"whilst" -> "while"
Explanation: "Whilst" is a formal term but is less common in academic writing. "While" serves the same purpose in a more widely accepted manner. -
"a blaze of adolescents" -> "a surge of adolescents"
Explanation: "Blaze" conveys a sense of fire or intense light, which isn’t fitting here. "Surge" maintains the idea of a sudden increase while being more appropriate in a formal context. -
"spark off influences" -> "have an impact"
Explanation: "Spark off influences" is awkward and unclear. "Have an impact" is a more direct and clearer way to convey the intended meaning. -
"contented with" -> "satisfied with"
Explanation: "Contented with" is slightly informal. "Satisfied with" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal. -
"blatantly obvious" -> "clear"
Explanation: "Blatantly obvious" is redundant. "Clear" succinctly conveys the same meaning without unnecessary emphasis. -
"In essence" -> "Essentially"
Explanation: "In essence" is somewhat redundant in this context. "Essentially" serves the same purpose more concisely. -
"As a general rule" -> "Generally"
Explanation: "As a general rule" is redundant. "Generally" is a more concise alternative. -
"encounter tedium and loneliness" -> "experience boredom and loneliness"
Explanation: "Encounter tedium and loneliness" is overly formal and somewhat awkward. "Experience boredom and loneliness" maintains the meaning in a clearer and more natural way. -
"left without support at home or in a nursery center" -> "lacking support at home or in a care facility"
Explanation: "Nursery center" is not commonly used in this context and may imply childcare rather than eldercare. "Care facility" is a more appropriate term. -
"provide golden opportunities" -> "offer valuable opportunities"
Explanation: While "golden opportunities" is idiomatic, it’s overly informal. "Valuable opportunities" retains the meaning in a more formal tone. -
"boost up their own savings" -> "increase their savings"
Explanation: "Boost up" is colloquial. "Increase" is a more formal alternative. -
"be that as it may" -> "however"
Explanation: "Be that as it may" is overly formal. "However" serves the same function in a more natural manner. -
"their health is prone to be their biggest enemies" -> "their health can become their greatest challenge"
Explanation: The phrase "biggest enemies" is overly dramatic. "Greatest challenge" conveys the same idea in a more neutral tone. -
"fork out" -> "allocate"
Explanation: "Fork out" is informal. "Allocate" is a more formal synonym conveying the idea of budgeting or spending. -
"insurmountable amount of money" -> "significant financial resources"
Explanation: "Insurmountable amount of money" is hyperbolic. "Significant financial resources" is a more measured and formal phrase. -
"set themselves clear objectives" -> "establish clear objectives"
Explanation: "Set themselves clear objectives" is unnecessarily verbose. "Establish clear objectives" is more concise and formal. -
"courage, creativity, and passion which consequently pay dividends" -> "courage, creativity, and passion, yielding positive results"
Explanation: "Pay dividends" is a metaphorical expression that might be seen as too informal in academic writing. "Yielding positive results" is a more formal alternative. -
"the firsthand experience" -> "firsthand experience"
Explanation: "The" is unnecessary here. "Firsthand experience" is a standalone term. -
"infancies" -> "early stages"
Explanation: "Infancies" refers specifically to babies. "Early stages" is a more general term appropriate for young individuals. -
"Another aspect of their join" -> "Another aspect of their contribution"
Explanation: "Join" is awkward in this context. "Contribution" is a more suitable term. -
"lure of money" -> "temptation of financial gain"
Explanation: "Lure of money" is somewhat informal. "Temptation of financial gain" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal. -
"can be lack of focus" -> "may lack focus"
Explanation: "Can be lack of focus" is grammatically incorrect. "May lack focus" is the correct structure for expressing possibility. -
"regardless of" -> "Irrespective of"
Explanation: "Regardless of" is slightly informal. "Irrespective of" is a more formal alternative conveying the same meaning. -
"both groups equally contribute to the economic development" -> "both groups contribute equally to economic development"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for clarity and removing unnecessary words.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the trend of people working after retirement and young individuals starting their careers early. It acknowledges the impacts of these trends on the workforce development.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects, it could benefit from more depth and specificity in its analysis. For instance, providing more concrete examples or statistics could strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance on both topics, presenting retirement-age workers as valuable contributors to the workforce due to their experience and young workers as catalysts for economic growth.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, it could explicitly state the author’s viewpoint at the beginning and reinforce it throughout the essay. This would help to guide the reader and prevent ambiguity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding both groups of workers, discussing their motivations and potential impacts on the economy. It provides some supporting details, such as the benefits of part-time work for retirees and the advantages of young workers’ technological proficiency.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, it could provide more elaboration on each point and include additional examples or evidence to bolster the arguments. This would add depth and credibility to the analysis.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the implications of people working after retirement and young individuals entering the workforce early. However, there are some tangential points, such as mentioning the distraction of young workers by money, which slightly deviate from the central theme.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all discussion points directly relate to the main topic. Avoiding tangents and irrelevant details will help to keep the essay concise and coherent.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents clear arguments, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, elaboration of ideas, and maintaining focus. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could enhance its overall coherence and persuasive power.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
- Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic of workforce dynamics, although it could be more concise. Each body paragraph focuses on either post-retirement workers or young workers, presenting their motivations and impacts on the workforce. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider refining the introduction to succinctly outline the main points of the essay. Additionally, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs by using transition words or phrases to guide the reader through the progression of ideas.
- Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize its ideas. Each paragraph is dedicated to discussing a specific aspect of either post-retirement workers or young workers, contributing to the clarity of the essay’s structure. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development to fully explore the complexities of the topic.
- How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is appropriate, aim to develop each paragraph more fully by providing additional examples or elaborating on key points. This will enhance the depth of analysis and strengthen the overall argument.
- Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "in essence," "however," and "in brief," which help signal shifts between different points. Additionally, pronouns such as "both" and "their" are used effectively to maintain coherence within and between sentences.
- How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "conversely") and referencing devices (e.g., "this," "these"). This will create stronger connections between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing diverse terms and expressions to convey ideas effectively. For instance, phrases like "hive of activity," "blaze of adolescents," "boost up," "pushing back the frontier," and "lure of money" enrich the language and make the essay more engaging.
- How to improve: While the essay showcases a wide array of vocabulary, there’s room for further enhancement by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Introducing nuanced synonyms or exploring different word choices could elevate the lexical variety even more.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying intended meanings. However, there are instances where certain terms could be more precise or contextually accurate. For example, using "infancies" to describe young workers may not be the most precise choice; "early career stages" or "youthful stages" could offer clearer alternatives.
- How to improve: To improve precision, consider carefully selecting words that precisely capture the intended nuances of meaning. Thesaurus tools or context-based vocabulary exercises can aid in identifying more accurate word choices and refining expression.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "infancies" instead of "infancy," and "join" instead of "joining."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy further, proofreading meticulously and utilizing spell-checking tools can be beneficial. Additionally, actively practicing spelling through writing exercises and reinforcing commonly misspelled words can help solidify spelling skills over time.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory variety of sentence structures. It includes a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences, albeit with some repetition in structure. For example, there is frequent use of compound sentences ("Typically, as for the mounting life expectancy, more and more post-retirement workers are confident to sign on contracts to be part-timers"), but also instances of complex sentences ("In essence, people at their retirement age are contented with part-time jobs, since it is blatantly obvious that this will be hugely advantageous"). However, the essay could benefit from more diverse sentence structures to enhance readability and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses or participial phrases. Additionally, strive for varied sentence beginnings and lengths to maintain reader engagement and convey ideas moreeffectively. For instance, instead of consistently starting sentences with phrases like "Both are believed to spark off influences on the workforce development," try introducing more variety by beginning sentences with adverbial phrases, introductory clauses, or participial phrases.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few errors affecting comprehension. However, there are some instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the essay. For example, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement in phrases like "people who reach this phase of life encounter tedium and loneliness, since they are left without support," where "encounter" should agree with the plural subject "people." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("As a general rule") and inconsistent use of commas in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to carefully review subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in verb tense throughout the essay. Proofreading for punctuation errors, particularly regarding the use of commas, can help enhance clarity and readability. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors more effectively. Practicing sentence construction and reviewing grammar rules can also aid in improving overall accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The workforce is currently bustling with activity, reflecting significant changes in its composition. With the increase in life expectancy, there is a noticeable trend of retirees opting for part-time work, while a growing number of young individuals are also entering the workforce.
Retirees, in particular, are increasingly choosing part-time employment as they find it to be greatly advantageous. Generally, individuals in this phase of life experience feelings of boredom and loneliness, often lacking support either at home or in care facilities. Therefore, securing a job provides them with valuable opportunities for personal fulfillment and a sense of purpose. From an economic standpoint, companies are willing to invest in this demographic, as they can help increase savings without relying excessively on their children. However, it’s crucial to note that their health can pose significant challenges, leading to increased expenditure on healthcare support.
On the other hand, young workers approach the workforce with clear objectives aimed at contributing to the country’s economy. Their strengths lie in their courage, creativity, and passion, which yield positive results for companies. However, their lack of firsthand experience necessitates continuous improvement over time. Additionally, their adeptness with technology is a notable asset, as it enables companies to meet market demands and foster growth. Nonetheless, young workers may be susceptible to distractions, particularly the temptation of financial gain, which can affect their focus on education.
In conclusion, regardless of the positive or negative impacts each group may bring to the labor market, both retirees and young workers contribute equally to economic development and merit recognition from society.
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