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As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike, leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the loss of cultural identity.

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike, leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the loss of cultural identity.

Opinions are divided on whether global integration would raise the disappearance of national culture. From my perspective, I would concur that although this trend has its own drawbacks, internationalization brings about a wide range of positive impacts on cultural identity.
Admittedly, it is understandable why some advocate the idea that globalization may result in cultural extinction. The main reason behind this is that, when people from different parts of the world interact more frequently in the same language, there is a risk that local linguistics may be diluted or even replaced by the worldwide one. For example, the widespread of Western culture through universalization has led to the adoption of their fashion or music in several parts of the world, especially in the East. This example shed light on the concerns that local cultural diversity is possibly being eroded.
However, it is important to note that worldwide integration can also have beneficial influences on today’s society. First, it can drastically increase the growth of the economy on a large scale. This is due to the fact that, when countries trade with each other, they can take advantage of different countries' strengths and resources, which allows higher rates of productivity and efficiency. Moreover, globalization can provide individuals with access to new practices and communities all over the world, which helps to boost the public’s abilities of coming up with new innovations and producing quality products.
In conclusion, while there are concerns that it can bring about the elimination of local identity, it is suggested that people take both aspects of globalization into account.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Opinions are divided on whether global integration would raise the disappearance of national culture." -> "Opinions are divided on whether global integration would lead to the erosion of national culture."
    Explanation: Replacing "raise the disappearance" with "lead to the erosion" provides a more precise and formal expression, aligning with academic style.

  2. "From my perspective, I would concur that although this trend has its own drawbacks, internationalization brings about a wide range of positive impacts on cultural identity." -> "From my perspective, I agree that, despite its drawbacks, internationalization yields a broad array of positive impacts on cultural identity."
    Explanation: Substituting "concur" with "agree" and rephrasing "brings about" to "yields" enhance the formality of the expression without sacrificing clarity.

  3. "Admittedly, it is understandable why some advocate the idea that globalization may result in cultural extinction." -> "Admittedly, it is understandable why some endorse the notion that globalization may lead to cultural extinction."
    Explanation: Replacing "advocate the idea" with "endorse the notion" and changing "result in" to "lead to" contribute to a more sophisticated and academic tone.

  4. "For example, the widespread of Western culture through universalization has led to the adoption of their fashion or music in several parts of the world, especially in the East." -> "For instance, the dissemination of Western culture through universalization has resulted in the assimilation of their fashion and music in various regions globally, particularly in the East."
    Explanation: Substituting "widespread of" with "dissemination," and rephrasing "adoption of their fashion or music" to "assimilation of their fashion and music" enhances precision and formality.

  5. "This example shed light on the concerns that local cultural diversity is possibly being eroded." -> "This example highlights concerns that local cultural diversity may be gradually eroding."
    Explanation: Replacing "shed light on" with "highlights" and refining "is possibly being" to "may be gradually" improves the academic style and clarity of the sentence.

  6. "However, it is important to note that worldwide integration can also have beneficial influences on today’s society." -> "However, it is important to note that global integration can also exert positive influences on contemporary society."
    Explanation: Substituting "worldwide integration" with "global integration" and replacing "have beneficial influences" with "exert positive influences" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  7. "First, it can drastically increase the growth of the economy on a large scale." -> "First, it can significantly enhance economic growth on a broad scale."
    Explanation: Replacing "drastically increase" with "significantly enhance" maintains the impact while providing a more formal expression.

  8. "Moreover, globalization can provide individuals with access to new practices and communities all over the world, which helps to boost the public’s abilities of coming up with new innovations and producing quality products." -> "Moreover, globalization can afford individuals access to novel practices and communities worldwide, thereby enhancing the public’s capacity to innovate and produce high-quality products."
    Explanation: Replacing "provide" with "afford," rephrasing "abilities of coming up with" to "capacity to innovate," and refining "helps to boost" to "thereby enhancing" contribute to a more formal and precise language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument concerning the impact of globalization on cultural identity. It acknowledges the fear of cultural loss due to global integration and also highlights the positive aspects of globalization. However, the discussion lacks depth in analyzing the consequences of these impacts on cultural identity. While it mentions the dilution of local linguistics and the adoption of Western culture, there’s a need for more elaboration and specific examples to fully address the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more comprehensive examples and delve deeper into the potential consequences of globalization on various aspects of cultural identity, such as traditions, customs, values, and heritage. Additionally, ensure a balanced discussion by exploring counterarguments to strengthen the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to maintain a clear position by acknowledging both the negative and positive effects of globalization on cultural identity. However, the stance appears somewhat neutral rather than strongly advocating for a particular viewpoint. There’s a need for a more assertive and defined standpoint that guides the entire essay.
    • How to improve: Develop a stronger thesis statement that clearly presents the author’s perspective on whether globalization predominantly endangers or enriches cultural identity. Then, consistently reinforce this viewpoint throughout the essay, providing robust arguments and supporting evidence to strengthen the chosen position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about both the negative and positive impacts of globalization on cultural identity. However, these ideas lack thorough development and analysis. While it mentions the dilution of local linguistics and economic benefits, the explanations remain somewhat superficial and would benefit from deeper exploration and specific examples.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion by providing detailed examples and elaborating further on the consequences of globalization on cultural identity. Include specific instances from different cultural backgrounds to illustrate the points made and support the arguments effectively. Additionally, analyze the long-term effects of globalization on cultural preservation in more depth.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the impact of globalization on cultural identity. However, it could improve by avoiding general statements and maintaining a more focused discussion on the specific aspects related to cultural identity and globalization.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly connects to the overarching theme of cultural identity in the context of globalization. Avoid broad statements and tangential ideas that do not contribute directly to the discussion.

In summary, while the essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both positive and negative impacts of globalization on cultural identity, it lacks depth, specificity, and a strong, consistent position. To improve, the essay would benefit from more comprehensive analysis, specific examples, a clearer stance, and a more focused discussion directly related to cultural identity in the context of globalization.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It starts with an introduction presenting the debate about globalization’s impact on cultural identity. The body paragraphs explore both sides of the argument, discussing the potential loss of cultural identity due to global integration and countering this with positive impacts, concluding with a succinct summary. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother, as some connections between ideas seem abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure seamless transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more effectively. For instance, instead of abrupt shifts, phrases like "Furthermore," "On the other hand," or "However," could aid in creating smoother connections between contrasting points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, providing distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph generally focuses on a specific point of the argument. However, there are areas where paragraphing could be refined. For example, the second body paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs to distinguish the discussion on the negative impact of globalization from the positive aspects. This would enhance clarity and organization.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused sections to maintain clarity and coherence. Start a new paragraph when introducing a contrasting or supporting point to emphasize its distinctness and improve readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices to some extent, aiding in linking ideas within sentences and between paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices further. While some transitional phrases like "although," "however," and "moreover" are used, the essay could benefit from a wider range of connectors to create stronger links between ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns to enhance coherence. Implement connectors like "despite," "nevertheless," "consequently," or "in contrast" to provide a more nuanced connection between thoughts and strengthen the overall coherence.

Improving these elements—smoother transitions, refined paragraphing for clarity, and a wider range of cohesive devices—will elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, potentially pushing the band score higher by strengthening the logical organization and structural clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms like "global integration," "cultural extinction," "universalization," and "linguistics." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary. The use of some phrases, such as "Admittedly" and "In conclusion," is repeated and could be replaced with more varied expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms for frequently used terms. Additionally, explore more sophisticated and nuanced expressions to convey ideas. Avoid over-reliance on certain transitional phrases, seeking alternative ways to introduce and conclude points.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, the distinction between "cultural extinction" and the "erosion of local cultural diversity" is made clearly. However, there are instances where the use of terms could be more precise. For example, the phrase "worldwide integration" might benefit from specifying the nature of integration.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by specifying and providing more context for terms. If a term like "worldwide integration" is used, clarify the specific dimensions or aspects being referred to. This adds depth and clarity to the argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate level of spelling. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "raise" instead of "result in" in the opening sentence and "linguistics" instead of "linguistic." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, addressing them would enhance the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to minor spelling details, particularly in high-impact areas such as the introduction. Consider proofreading carefully to catch and correct these minor errors, ensuring a polished final product.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable use of vocabulary with some room for enhancement. By incorporating a more diverse range of expressions, increasing precision in language use, and refining spelling accuracy, the writer can elevate the lexical resource score to a higher band.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, encompassing complex sentences with multiple clauses ("Admittedly, it is understandable why some advocate the idea that globalization may result in cultural extinction"), conditional statements ("when people from different parts of the world interact more frequently in the same language, there is a risk that local linguistics may be diluted or even replaced by the worldwide one"), and compound-complex sentences ("Moreover, globalization can provide individuals with access to new practices and communities all over the world, which helps to boost the public’s abilities of coming up with new innovations and producing quality products").
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s richness, consider incorporating more diverse sentence types like rhetorical questions, inverted sentences, or parallel structures. This can elevate the overall sophistication of the essay.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar. However, there are a few instances that could be refined for greater precision. For instance, consider revising the phrase "boost the public’s abilities of coming up with new innovations" to "enhance the public’s capacity to generate new innovations." Additionally, in the sentence "This example shed light on the concerns that local cultural diversity is possibly being eroded," the verb tense could be adjusted for clarity to "This example sheds light on concerns about the potential erosion of local cultural diversity."
    • How to improve: Carefully review sentence structures, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. This review process will ensure greater accuracy in conveying ideas and strengthen the overall grammatical precision.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs correct punctuation, including appropriate comma usage in separating clauses and phrases ("Admittedly, it is understandable why some advocate the idea that globalization may result in cultural extinction") and proper punctuation within complex sentences ("Moreover, globalization can provide individuals with access to new practices and communities all over the world, which helps to boost the public’s abilities of coming up with new innovations and producing quality products").
    • How to improve: Ensure consistency in punctuation, especially in complex sentences, to maintain clarity. Additionally, consider utilizing more varied punctuation marks such as semicolons or dashes to diversify sentence structures and add emphasis where appropriate.

In summary, the essay displays a proficient grasp of diverse sentence structures, strong grammatical accuracy with minor areas for improvement, and generally correct punctuation. To further elevate the essay’s quality, focus on refining grammar precision, ensuring consistency in punctuation usage, and incorporating a wider range of sentence structures for increased sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions vary on whether global integration would result in the disappearance of national culture. From my perspective, I agree that, despite its drawbacks, internationalization brings about a wide range of positive impacts on cultural identity.

Admittedly, it is understandable why some endorse the idea that globalization may lead to cultural extinction. The main reason behind this is that, when people from different parts of the world interact more frequently using a common language, there is a risk that local linguistics may be diluted or even replaced by a global one. For example, the widespread adoption of Western culture through universalization has led to the assimilation of their fashion and music in various parts of the world, especially in the East. This example highlights concerns that local cultural diversity may be gradually eroding.

However, it is important to note that global integration can also exert positive influences on today’s society. First, it can significantly enhance economic growth on a large scale. This is due to the fact that, when countries engage in trade with each other, they can capitalize on different countries’ strengths and resources, leading to higher rates of productivity and efficiency. Moreover, globalization can afford individuals access to new practices and communities worldwide, thereby enhancing the public’s capacity to innovate and produce high-quality products.

In conclusion, while there are concerns that global integration can bring about the elimination of local identity, it is suggested that people take both aspects of globalization into account.

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