As we are facing more and more problems that affect the whole planet, good relationships between different countries are becoming more important than ever before. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Opinions diverge on whether good international relations are becoming more and more essential to solving problems all over the world these days. Although some criticize this sentiment, I starkly advocate it due to some compelling rationales.
The first reason for this is that establishing good relationships with other countries is vital to assisting poor children who can not access their education, healthcare, and safety. If governments maintain their international relationships, they will be able to get financial aid for medical services, educational resources, and training professionals from other nations to enhance the quality of children’s development. Moreover, addressing these issues can also help to reduce poverty and contribute to economic growth and development. For instance, with educational investment from
In addition to the concern above, I also believe that it would be necessary to maintain international relations in terms of preventing disasters and pandemics. This is because by working together and sharing information as a way to deal with global issues, states can better restrict the consequences of crises such as droughts, floods, natural disasters, and lately the COVID-19 pandemic. Furthermore, this relationship also facilitates governments heavily affected by natural disasters or pandemics, able to recover quickly from the financial support of other countries.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"Opinions diverge" -> "Opinions vary"
Explanation: "Diverge" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Vary" maintains the meaning while aligning better with a formal tone.
"starkly advocate" -> "strongly advocate"
Explanation: "Starkly" is slightly informal in this context. "Strongly" maintains the emphasis on the support for the argument in a more academically appropriate manner.
"compelling rationales" -> "compelling reasons"
Explanation: While "rationales" isn’t incorrect, "reasons" is a more commonly used term in academic writing, ensuring clarity without losing the intended meaning.
"can not" -> "cannot"
Explanation: "Cannot" is the more standard form in academic writing, as it’s a single word rather than two.
"get financial aid" -> "receive financial assistance"
Explanation: "Get" is less formal; "receive" elevates the language while "financial assistance" sounds more professional than "financial aid."
"training professionals" -> "training professionals"
Explanation: This phrase is appropriate but adding specificity, like "educators" or "specialists," can enhance precision if the type of professionals being trained is known.
"For instance, with educational investment from" -> "For instance, through educational investments from"
Explanation: The use of "with" might require a clearer continuation. "Through" better connects the example to the previous context, showing the source of educational investment more explicitly.
"In addition to the concern above" -> "Moreover, in relation to the aforementioned concern"
Explanation: A more formal transition like "Moreover" and a phrase like "aforementioned concern" connect the ideas smoothly and with clearer reference.
"it would be necessary" -> "it is imperative"
Explanation: "Necessary" isn’t incorrect, but "imperative" adds a stronger sense of urgency and importance, which aligns well with academic assertiveness.
"able to recover quickly from the financial support" -> "capable of swift recovery with financial aid"
Explanation: This adjustment clarifies that recovery is facilitated by financial aid, and "capable of swift recovery" presents a more formal phrasing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of international relations in solving global problems, particularly in areas like education, healthcare, disaster prevention, and pandemic response. However, the response lacks depth and does not fully explore the extent to which good relationships between different countries are becoming more important.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should provide a more nuanced examination of the prompt, considering various dimensions and perspectives. A more comprehensive analysis of why and how good international relations are crucial in today’s world would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear stance in favor of the importance of international relations in addressing global issues. However, the argument lacks consistency in its development, and the connection between ideas is somewhat tenuous.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should ensure a more structured organization of ideas. Each paragraph should logically connect to the previous one, contributing to a cohesive argument. Additionally, reinforcing the thesis statement throughout the essay will enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For instance, the point about assisting poor children is mentioned but not adequately elaborated with concrete examples or evidence. Similarly, the discussion on disaster prevention and pandemic response could benefit from more in-depth analysis and specific instances.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each point. Offering specific cases, statistics, or real-world scenarios would make the arguments more persuasive and compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but veers into vague statements, such as "some criticize this sentiment" without specifying who or what sentiment is being criticized. Additionally, the mention of educational investment is incomplete, leaving the reader with unanswered questions.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the writer should avoid ambiguous statements and provide clear explanations for all points introduced. Completing the thought on educational investment and addressing potential criticisms with specific counterarguments would enhance coherence.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of international relations, it falls short in providing a thorough analysis, maintaining a consistent argument, offering sufficient support, and ensuring clarity in expression. By addressing these shortcomings, the essay could significantly improve its overall quality and achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, progressing from the importance of international relations in addressing children’s needs to its role in preventing disasters and pandemics. However, there is a slight lack of clarity in the second paragraph, especially with the incomplete sentence: "For instance, with educational investment from." This disrupts the flow, making it less coherent.
- How to improve: Ensure that each sentence and idea flow smoothly to the next. In this case, complete the sentence and consider providing a more explicit transition to maintain a clear and logical progression of ideas.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas. However, the second paragraph is relatively short, and the transition from the first to the second paragraph could be more explicit to enhance overall cohesion.
- How to improve: Consider extending the second paragraph or merging it with the first to create a more balanced structure. Additionally, use transition words or phrases to strengthen the connection between paragraphs.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "although," "moreover," and "in addition." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and placement of these devices. The incomplete sentence in the second paragraph disrupts the flow and cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the diversity of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases. Ensure their appropriate placement to strengthen the logical connection between sentences and paragraphs. Revise the incomplete sentence for clarity.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, but addressing the mentioned areas could further enhance its effectiveness. Paying attention to transitions and ensuring the completeness of sentences will contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in terms of diversifying word choices, especially in the use of synonyms and more sophisticated terms. For example, the repetition of phrases like "international relationships" and "educational investment" could be replaced with alternatives to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To broaden the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "international relationships," consider alternatives like "diplomatic ties" or "global alliances." This would not only add variety but also demonstrate a higher command of vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely but tends to exhibit imprecise word choices. For instance, in the sentence, "Opinions diverge on whether good international relations are becoming more and more essential," the term "essential" might be too general. The usage of more specific terms could enhance precision.
- How to improve: To achieve more precision, strive for specificity in word choice. Instead of the general term "essential," consider using a more precise term such as "crucial" or "indispensable." This practice will not only add nuance to the writing but also elevate the overall quality of expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are instances where typographical errors, such as missing words or incomplete sentences, may hinder clarity. For example, the sentence "For instance, with educational investment from" is incomplete and impacts the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread the essay to identify and rectify any missing words or incomplete sentences. Additionally, take the time to review the structure of each sentence to ensure clarity and coherence. This practice will contribute to a more polished and error-free final product.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. The writer tends to rely on basic sentence structures, which can affect the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay. For example, there is a frequent use of simple sentences, such as in the first sentence of the second paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences. Vary the length and structure of your sentences to add nuance and complexity to your writing. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, experiment with compound sentences that link related ideas or complex sentences that include dependent clauses.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that affect clarity. For example, in the first paragraph, there is a fragmentary sentence: "Moreover, addressing these issues can also help to reduce poverty and contribute to economic growth and development. For instance, with educational investment from." This incomplete sentence creates confusion and disrupts the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure and ensure that each sentence is complete and grammatically correct. Review your essay for fragments or incomplete thoughts. Consider using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers to identify and rectify such issues.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates correct punctuation usage. However, there are some areas where punctuation could be refined for better clarity. For instance, the first sentence of the second paragraph lacks a comma after "In addition to the concern above," which affects the overall coherence of ideas.
- How to improve: Focus on punctuation nuances, such as commas and periods, to enhance the clarity of your writing. Use commas to signal pauses or separate distinct ideas within a sentence. Review punctuation rules and apply them consistently throughout your essay. Consider reading your essay aloud to identify areas where punctuation could improve the overall flow and comprehension.
Bài sửa mẫu
Opinions vary on the increasing importance of good international relations in addressing global challenges. While some criticize this view, I strongly advocate it for compelling reasons.
Firstly, establishing positive relationships with other nations is crucial for assisting underprivileged children who cannot access education, healthcare, and safety. If governments maintain robust international ties, they can receive financial assistance for medical services, educational resources, and training professionals from other nations, thereby enhancing the quality of children’s development. Moreover, in relation to the aforementioned concern, it is imperative to address these issues to reduce poverty and contribute to economic growth and development. For instance, through educational investments from abroad.
Moreover, in addition to the aforementioned concern, I also believe that it is necessary to maintain international relations to prevent disasters and pandemics. This is because, by working together and sharing information to address global issues, nations can better mitigate the consequences of crises such as droughts, floods, natural disasters, and, more recently, the COVID-19 pandemic. Furthermore, this relationship also facilitates swift recovery for governments heavily affected by natural disasters or pandemics with financial aid from other countries.