As well as making money, businesses also have a responsibility towards society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As well as making money, businesses also have a responsibility towards society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In contemporary society, social responsibility increasingly attracts individuals. For businesses, besides profit purposes, they also need to take responsibility towards society. From my perspective, I strongly advocate this notion due to their benefits gaining from well-taking the responsibility, including attracting talents, fostering labours’ productivity and improving their brands’ reputation.
Firstly, well-implemented responsibility towards society can not only attract various talents for businesses, but also boost their labours’ productivity. To illustrate, potential candidates and talents can be attracted by transparent working environments and socially responsible cultures for employees established by businesses. In other words, they will trust the benefits gaining from the company and feel secure to work at the company. In addition, caring about ethics and social responsibility will help businesses boost their employees’ productivity. For example, social responsibility programs for employees could make them proud of their company and boost their morale in the workplace, leading to greater productivity and profits.
In terms of brand values, taking responsibility towards society can improve quality and reputation for businesses. Being socially responsible can be an effective approach for businesses to promote a company's brand and attract more customers. As a result, the brand can be outstanding from their rivals and gain more profits. A typical example, Vinamilk has launched various social campaigns to raise the stature of Vietnamese children, helping various children with difficult circumstances and becoming the most trusted milk brand in Vietnam.
In conclusion, social responsibility is crucial for businesses because of its benefits on attracting talents, fostering labours’ productivity and improving their brands’ reputation. Therefore, businesses should equally distribute their resources for both social responsibility and profit purposes.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"attracts individuals" -> "appeals to individuals"
Explanation: "Attracts individuals" is acceptable but "appeals to individuals" is a more sophisticated alternative that aligns better with academic style, conveying the idea that social responsibility is attractive or appealing to people. -
"besides profit purposes" -> "in addition to profit motives"
Explanation: "Besides profit purposes" is somewhat informal. "In addition to profit motives" maintains formality while expressing the idea that businesses have motivations beyond just making money. -
"well-taking the responsibility" -> "fulfilling their responsibility"
Explanation: "Well-taking the responsibility" is awkward and lacks precision. "Fulfilling their responsibility" is a clearer and more concise way to express the concept of taking responsibility effectively. -
"gaining from well-taking" -> "derived from effectively fulfilling"
Explanation: "Gaining from well-taking" is grammatically incorrect. "Derived from effectively fulfilling" maintains clarity and formality while conveying the idea of obtaining benefits from fulfilling responsibilities. -
"fostering labours’ productivity" -> "enhancing employee productivity"
Explanation: "Fostering labours’ productivity" is slightly awkward and archaic. "Enhancing employee productivity" is a more modern and concise way to convey the idea of improving the productivity of workers. -
"labours’" -> "employees’"
Explanation: "Labours’" is an uncommon possessive form. "Employees’" is a more standard and appropriate possessive form in this context. -
"illustrate" -> "demonstrate"
Explanation: "Illustrate" is acceptable, but "demonstrate" is a more formal and precise alternative that fits better with academic writing. -
"potential candidates and talents" -> "prospective candidates and skilled individuals"
Explanation: "Potential candidates and talents" is somewhat redundant and awkward. "Prospective candidates and skilled individuals" is a clearer and more precise way to refer to people who may be interested in working for a company. -
"caring about ethics" -> "prioritizing ethics"
Explanation: "Caring about ethics" is somewhat informal. "Prioritizing ethics" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea of placing importance on ethical considerations. -
"could make them proud" -> "can instill pride"
Explanation: "Could make them proud" is a bit weak. "Can instill pride" is a more assertive and active phrase that enhances the sentence’s impact. -
"A typical example" -> "An illustrative example"
Explanation: "A typical example" is rather informal. "An illustrative example" is more formal and signals to the reader that a specific instance will be provided to support the argument. -
"Vinamilk has launched various social campaigns" -> "Vinamilk has initiated diverse social initiatives"
Explanation: "Launched various social campaigns" could be more precise and sophisticated. "Initiated diverse social initiatives" maintains formality while conveying the idea that Vinamilk has undertaken a range of socially responsible actions. -
"raising the stature" -> "enhancing the well-being"
Explanation: "Raising the stature" is a bit vague and informal. "Enhancing the well-being" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the positive impact of social campaigns on Vietnamese children. -
"most trusted milk brand" -> "most reputable milk brand"
Explanation: "Most trusted milk brand" is acceptable, but "most reputable milk brand" is slightly more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the dual responsibility of businesses—to make money and to contribute to society— and presents a strong agreement with the idea of businesses having a responsibility towards society. The writer discusses the benefits of fulfilling this responsibility, including attracting talents, boosting productivity, and enhancing brand reputation.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses the prompt, it could further enhance its depth by providing more nuanced examples and perhaps considering potential counterarguments to strengthen the argumentation.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. It firmly asserts the importance of businesses taking responsibility towards society and supports this position with relevant examples and explanations.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the writer could explicitly outline the reasons behind their stance in the introduction and reinforce this position in the conclusion for a more cohesive argument structure.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas. Each paragraph is well-developed, with clear topic sentences and supporting examples. The writer elaborates on how fulfilling social responsibility benefits businesses in terms of talent attraction, productivity enhancement, and brand reputation improvement.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, the writer could delve deeper into the potential challenges or criticisms associated with businesses fulfilling their social responsibilities, offering a more comprehensive discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout its entirety. It consistently discusses the role of businesses in society and how fulfilling social responsibilities can benefit them.
- How to improve: To further maintain focus, the writer could ensure that every example and argument directly relates to the central theme of businesses’ responsibility towards society, avoiding tangential discussions that may detract from the coherence of the essay.
Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, presents well-developed ideas, and stays on topic. To improve further, the writer could deepen the analysis by considering counterarguments and providing more nuanced examples while ensuring every aspect of the essay aligns closely with the central theme.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that presents the writer’s viewpoint, followed by well-developed body paragraphs that each discuss a specific aspect of the argument. The writer effectively supports their viewpoint with relevant examples and concludes with a concise summary. The progression of ideas is easy to follow, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs. While the essay transitions effectively between major points, strengthening the connection between supporting ideas within paragraphs can improve the overall coherence. Using transitional phrases or topic sentences that clearly link each paragraph to the main argument can help achieve this.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to structure the discussion, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction presents the writer’s viewpoint, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on the benefits of businesses fulfilling their social responsibility. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence and supporting details, contributing to the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas, ensuring consistency in paragraph length can further improve readability. Some paragraphs are longer than others, which may disrupt the flow of the essay. Consider revising to maintain a more uniform paragraph length, ensuring each paragraph contains a similar amount of information and analysis.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay. Examples include transitional phrases ("Firstly," "In terms of," "In conclusion"), pronouns ("they," "their"), and repetition of key terms ("responsibility towards society," "profits"). These cohesive devices help guide the reader through the essay and reinforce the relationships between ideas.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively incorporates cohesive devices, diversifying the types of cohesive devices used can enhance coherence further. Consider incorporating a wider range of transitional phrases, such as causal markers ("therefore," "as a result") and contrasting conjunctions ("however," "on the other hand"). Additionally, varying sentence structures and using cohesive devices more subtly can contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive writing style.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary, especially in terms related to the topic of social responsibility in business. The writer employs words such as "contemporary society," "responsibility towards society," "attracting talents," "fostering labours’ productivity," "ethics," "social responsibility programs," "brand values," "outstanding," "rivals," and "stature," among others. These terms effectively convey the writer’s ideas and contribute to the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness of the essay, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary related to specific aspects of social responsibility and its impact on businesses. Additionally, aim to integrate idiomatic expressions or phrases where appropriate to add depth to your argument and engage the reader further.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. For instance, phrases like "transparent working environments," "socially responsible cultures," and "boost their morale" are employed accurately to articulate the relationship between social responsibility and its effects on attracting talent and enhancing productivity. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "caring about ethics and social responsibility" could be replaced with a more specific term or phrase to precisely capture the concept being conveyed.
- How to improve: Continuously strive for precision in vocabulary usage by selecting words or phrases that precisely encapsulate the intended meaning. Consider utilizing domain-specific terminology or exploring synonyms to express ideas more precisely and concisely. Additionally, pay close attention to context to ensure that chosen vocabulary aligns seamlessly with the overall message of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors detracting from the overall readability of the text. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "labours’" (labor’s) and "Vinamilk" (Vinamilk, a proper noun), which could be corrected to improve the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools or proofreading your work meticulously before submission. Pay particular attention to proper nouns, technical terms, and words with irregular spellings. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and rules to minimize errors in future writing endeavors.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
- Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences are utilized for clear statements of opinion ("From my perspective, I strongly advocate this notion…"). Compound sentences are employed to connect related ideas ("Firstly, well-implemented responsibility towards society can not only attract various talents for businesses, but also boost their labours’ productivity"). Additionally, complex sentences are used to provide examples and elaborate on ideas ("To illustrate, potential candidates and talents can be attracted by transparent working environments and socially responsible cultures for employees established by businesses").
- How to improve: While the essay displays a satisfactory variety of sentence structures, further enhancing complexity could elevate the writing. Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses or varying the placement of dependent and independent clauses. This can add depth and sophistication to the essay, making it more engaging for the reader.
- Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficient grammatical accuracy with only minor errors. For example, there are instances of subject-verb agreement ("well-implemented responsibility towards society can not only attract various talents for businesses, but also boost their labours’ productivity"), correct use of articles ("A typical example, Vinamilk has launched various social campaigns…"), and appropriate use of punctuation marks throughout.
- How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, attention to detail on verb tense consistency and article usage could be beneficial. Additionally, ensuring consistency in punctuation, especially regarding comma usage for clarity and coherence, would enhance the overall readability of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a band score of 7. With a continued focus on enhancing sentence complexity and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay could further elevate its effectiveness and clarity in conveying ideas.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, the concept of social responsibility is increasingly appealing to individuals. Businesses, in addition to profit motives, also have a responsibility towards society. From my perspective, I strongly agree with this notion due to the benefits derived from effectively fulfilling this responsibility, including attracting talented individuals, enhancing employee productivity, and improving brand reputation.
Firstly, fulfilling responsibility towards society can attract prospective candidates and skilled individuals to businesses, thereby enhancing employee productivity. To illustrate, transparent working environments and a culture of social responsibility established by businesses can attract potential candidates and talents. Consequently, these individuals will trust the company’s benefits and feel secure working there. Moreover, prioritizing ethics and social responsibility can instill pride in employees, leading to greater morale and productivity in the workplace, ultimately resulting in increased profits.
Furthermore, taking responsibility towards society can enhance the well-being and reputation of businesses. Demonstrating social responsibility can effectively promote a company’s brand and attract more customers, setting it apart from competitors and increasing profits. An illustrative example of this is Vinamilk, which has initiated diverse social initiatives aimed at enhancing the well-being of Vietnamese children. Through these efforts, Vinamilk has become the most reputable milk brand in Vietnam.
In conclusion, social responsibility is crucial for businesses as it has the potential to attract talents, enhance employee productivity, and improve brand reputation. Therefore, businesses should allocate resources to both social responsibility and profit purposes to ensure sustainable success.
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