As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

These Days, with the competence among entrepreneurs becoming more and more stiff, businesses put all their resources into expanding profits, so they disregard the importance of their responsibility for community. It is still essential to increase revenue, but I believe they need to gain the balance between making turnover and their social responsibility.
On the one hand, the importance of making revenue is undisputed. On the economy level, the more the turnover of companies escalates, the more taxes these companies pay for the government, so the country's economy gains benefits respectively. As a result, their citizens enjoy more advantages. A good example of this is that the prosperity of the Samsung group has lifted the Korean economy, so the Korean is able to enjoy advanced facilities and get more job opportunities.
On the other hand, their responsibilities for society cannot be disregarded. From a marketing perspective, by displaying their positive concentration on social issues such as contamination, entrepreneurs might attract more customers' attention due to the society’s awareness being raised significantly. As a result, these businesses could create more profits. According to the Guardian, there were many people who started drinking Coca-Cola after Coca-Cola put enormous resources into addressing the environment problems. With being responsible for community, businesses might be a place for the elite workforce because of their favor on social issues so their revenue is surely boosted.
In conclusion, despite an integral part of creating money, businesses cannot disregard their social responsibility due to their merits to both businesses and community.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "These Days" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "These days" is somewhat informal. "Currently" is a more formal alternative that suits the academic tone of the essay.

  2. "competence among entrepreneurs becoming more and more stiff" -> "intensifying competition among entrepreneurs"
    Explanation: "Competence" refers to the ability, while "competition" is more fitting in this context. "Becoming more and more stiff" can be replaced with "intensifying," maintaining the formality of the language.

  3. "put all their resources into expanding profits" -> "solely prioritize profit expansion"
    Explanation: "Put all their resources into expanding profits" can be refined to "solely prioritize profit expansion," emphasizing a singular focus on profits in a more concise manner.

  4. "they need to gain the balance" -> "they need to strike a balance"
    Explanation: "Gain the balance" can be replaced with the more idiomatic "strike a balance," conveying the need for achieving equilibrium between two aspects.

  5. "making turnover" -> "generating turnover"
    Explanation: "Making turnover" can be replaced with "generating turnover" for a more precise and formal expression.

  6. "On the economy level" -> "From an economic perspective"
    Explanation: "On the economy level" can be refined to "From an economic perspective" for a more academic tone and clarity.

  7. "the more the turnover of companies escalates" -> "as company turnovers increase"
    Explanation: The phrase "the more the turnover of companies escalates" can be simplified to "as company turnovers increase" for better readability without losing the intended meaning.

  8. "As a result, their citizens enjoy more advantages" -> "Consequently, citizens benefit more"
    Explanation: "Enjoy more advantages" can be revised to "benefit more," maintaining the formality and clarity of the statement.

  9. "A good example of this is that the prosperity of the Samsung group has lifted the Korean economy" -> "An illustrative instance is the Samsung group’s prosperity bolstering the Korean economy"
    Explanation: Replacing the phrase with a more structured and descriptive sentence maintains the formal tone and clarity.

  10. "the Korean is able to enjoy advanced facilities" -> "Koreans have access to advanced facilities"
    Explanation: "The Korean" lacks the plural form and article. Replacing it with "Koreans" makes the sentence grammatically correct and clearer.

  11. "their responsibilities for society cannot be disregarded" -> "their societal responsibilities cannot be underestimated"
    Explanation: "Disregarded" can be replaced with "underestimated" to convey a stronger emphasis on the importance of societal responsibilities.

  12. "displaying their positive concentration" -> "demonstrating their proactive focus"
    Explanation: "Positive concentration" could be better expressed as "proactive focus" to enhance clarity and formality.

  13. "awareness being raised significantly" -> "heightened awareness"
    Explanation: "Awareness being raised significantly" can be succinctly rephrased as "heightened awareness" without losing the intended meaning.

  14. "Coca-Cola put enormous resources into addressing the environment problems" -> "Coca-Cola allocated substantial resources to address environmental issues"
    Explanation: "Addressing the environment problems" can be refined to "address environmental issues" for better precision and formality.

  15. "businesses might be a place for the elite workforce" -> "businesses may attract top-tier talent"
    Explanation: "A place for the elite workforce" can be replaced with "attract top-tier talent," maintaining formality while being more concise and precise.

  16. "so their revenue is surely boosted" -> "thus, enhancing their revenue"
    Explanation: "Surely boosted" can be replaced with "enhancing," providing a more formal and precise expression of revenue improvement.

  17. "Despite an integral part of creating money" -> "Despite being integral to wealth creation"
    Explanation: "Integral part of creating money" can be rephrased as "integral to wealth creation" for better clarity and formality.

  18. "due to their merits to both businesses and community" -> "due to their benefits for both businesses and the community"
    Explanation: "Merits to both businesses and community" can be adjusted to "benefits for both businesses and the community" for clearer language and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of making money for businesses but emphasizes the need for a balance with social responsibility. The example of Samsung contributing to the Korean economy illustrates this point effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing additional examples or perspectives that further support the argument. This will strengthen the depth of analysis and demonstrate a more thorough engagement with the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that while making money is crucial, businesses should not disregard their social responsibilities. The consistent stance is evident in each paragraph.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument. While the stance is clear, reinforcing it in the concluding paragraph can add a final emphasis on the presented position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, offering examples such as Samsung and Coca-Cola to support the argument. However, some ideas are expressed vaguely and could benefit from more elaboration.
    • How to improve: Develop each point more thoroughly by providing additional details and examples. This will strengthen the essay’s overall coherence and depth. Avoid vague statements and strive for precision in expression.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing both the importance of making money and the necessity of social responsibility for businesses. However, there are moments of generalization that may slightly deviate from the main argument.
    • How to improve: Be vigilant about maintaining a direct connection to the prompt in every sentence. Avoid broad statements that may lead the reader away from the core argument. Focus on maintaining a consistent and clear line of reasoning throughout the essay.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong response to the prompt with a clear and consistent position. To enhance its overall quality, consider providing more comprehensive examples, reinforcing the central argument in the conclusion, developing ideas with greater precision, and ensuring every sentence directly contributes to the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction provides a clear stance on the issue, and subsequent paragraphs present distinct arguments supporting the thesis. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the economic benefits of business success and the marketing perspective on social responsibility could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining transitions between ideas. For instance, use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and supporting details that logically progress from one to the next.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. Paragraphs should focus on a single main idea and develop it cohesively. Some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple ideas without clear separation, impacting the overall clarity.
    • How to improve: Work on refining paragraph structure. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that supporting details and examples within the paragraph directly relate to and reinforce the main idea. This will contribute to a clearer and more organized presentation of arguments.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to some extent, but there is room for improvement. Some sentences lack clear connections to the preceding ones, leading to occasional choppiness. Additionally, the variety of cohesive devices could be expanded for a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices such as pronouns, transitional phrases, and conjunctions to create smoother connections between sentences and ideas. Ensure that the relationship between sentences is explicit, helping the reader follow the essay’s progression more effortlessly. Varying sentence structures and using parallelism can contribute to a more polished and cohesive writing style.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but refinements in paragraph structure, logical organization, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There is a good attempt to incorporate varied terms and expressions, such as "competence among entrepreneurs," "escalates," "prosperity," and "environment problems." However, some of the vocabulary choices lack precision and could be further diversified to enhance the overall lexical richness.

    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and richness of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific terms and expressions related to the essay topic. For instance, instead of using general terms like "social issues," explore more precise vocabulary such as "social responsibility," "community engagement," or "ethical practices." Additionally, make use of more sophisticated synonyms and idiomatic expressions to add nuance to your writing.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas effectively, there are instances where vocabulary could be used more precisely. For example, the phrase "competence among entrepreneurs" might be better expressed as "intense competition among entrepreneurs." Additionally, the use of "contamination" in the context of social issues could be more precisely replaced with "environmental pollution."

    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus to find more accurate alternatives. Also, pay attention to the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align precisely with the intended message. This precision will enhance the overall clarity and impact of your writing.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "competence" instead of "competition" and "escalates" instead of "escalate." These minor spelling errors do not significantly impede comprehension but can be improved for a more polished presentation.

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay before submission. Pay close attention to words that are commonly misspelled or may have variations in spelling. Utilize spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and address any recurring spelling issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of precision and spelling accuracy. Focus on refining your vocabulary choices to enhance clarity and employ rigorous proofreading practices to eliminate minor spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex sentences with subordinate clauses ("On the one hand… On the other hand…"). However, the essay relies on repetitive sentence structures, limiting its range and impact. The introduction lacks complexity, using simple sentences that could be enriched with more diverse structures for better engagement.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider array of sentence structures, including compound-complex sentences, conditional sentences, and varied introductory phrases. For instance, instead of repetitive transitions like "On the one hand… On the other hand…" explore alternative transitions and sentence structures to enhance coherence and complexity.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a generally sound grasp of grammar, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues ("the more taxes these companies pay") and minor inconsistencies in tense usage ("the Korean is able to enjoy" should be "Koreans are able to enjoy").
    • How to improve: Review subject-verb agreement rules and maintain consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Also, pay attention to pluralization ("the Korean" should be "Koreans") to ensure grammatical accuracy and coherence.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is adequately used, but there are areas where improvement is needed. Commas are frequently missing after introductory phrases ("From a marketing perspective") and within complex sentences to aid clarity. There are also instances of incorrect comma placement, affecting the flow and meaning of sentences.
    • How to improve: Practice using commas after introductory phrases and within complex sentences where necessary for better clarity and flow. Additionally, revise comma placement rules to ensure they don’t disrupt the intended meaning of sentences. Consider using punctuation for more precise sentence structuring.

Overall, to enhance the score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • Enrich sentence structures by incorporating a wider variety of complex structures.
  • Strengthen grammatical accuracy by reviewing subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and pluralization.
  • Refine punctuation skills, paying particular attention to proper comma usage for clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s highly competitive entrepreneurial landscape, businesses increasingly prioritize profit expansion at the expense of their societal obligations. While amplifying turnover remains crucial, I firmly advocate for achieving equilibrium between financial gains and social responsibilities.

Undoubtedly, amplifying revenue holds undeniable significance. Economically, heightened turnovers result in increased taxes paid by companies, thereby benefiting the nation’s economy. Consequently, citizens reap greater advantages. A prime illustration of this lies in Samsung Group’s prosperity, which significantly bolstered the Korean economy, affording Koreans access to advanced amenities and expanded employment prospects.

However, the obligation towards society must not be overlooked. Through a marketing lens, showcasing proactive commitment to societal concerns, like environmental issues, can attract substantial customer attention, owing to the heightened awareness in society. Notably, when Coca-Cola allocated considerable resources towards addressing environmental challenges, there was a surge in consumers opting for the brand. Demonstrating such social responsibility enables businesses to allure top-tier talent, thereby augmenting their revenue.

In summary, notwithstanding the crucial role in wealth creation, businesses should not disregard their social responsibility, given their benefits to both the business sphere and the wider community.

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