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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people hold the view that businesses should have a duty to social activities in addition to earning money. I completely agree with this view for several reasons, which will be discussed in this way

The primary reason for my belief is that putting a part of money and effort into community will help firms boost the sale figure. When companies are willing to cooperate with local authorities or launch some meaningful program, they can boost their image to public. From this, companies can receive a greater commercial support from residents because they are impressed by some humanitarian activities and put the trust in the companies . For example, the total sale of Vinamilk may reach hundreds of billions of VND due to successful strategies.Vinamilk is a company with strategic and clever business practices that successfully attract customers. As a result, the company’s revenue can reach hundreds of billions of VND. However, they are not only skilled at generating profits but are also well-known for their contributions to helping those in need. For instance, they collaborate with local communities to provide scholarships and educational funds for individuals facing difficult circumstances.

Another primary reason is that companies have the right to earning money as long as legally. In order to operate the business, they need to implement different strategies and clear plans. All of this should be done to make sure that the firms are able to pay the salary for employers and the cost of the facility. In addition, profit from business will be used for upgrading the quality of products or advertising. Therefore, it is indispensable for companies to make money. Before doing communal activities, they must have a significant profits

In conclusion, I strongly agree that companies have the right to make money legally in regardless of any situations in order to maintain the functioning. Besides that, they should spend a part of money with the aim of serving community.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people hold the view that" -> "Many individuals believe that"
    Explanation: Replacing "hold the view that" with "believe that" simplifies the phrase while maintaining formality and enhancing clarity in academic writing.

  2. "should have a duty to social activities" -> "should have a responsibility to engage in social activities"
    Explanation: "Duty" is somewhat vague and less formal in this context. "Responsibility" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, and "engage in" is more specific than "have a duty to."

  3. "putting a part of money and effort into community" -> "investing a portion of their resources in the community"
    Explanation: "Putting a part of money and effort" is informal and vague. "Investing a portion of their resources" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic discourse.

  4. "boost the sale figure" -> "increase sales figures"
    Explanation: "Boost the sale figure" is informal and imprecise. "Increase sales figures" is the correct term and is more formal and accurate.

  5. "boost their image to public" -> "enhance their public image"
    Explanation: "Boost their image to public" is awkward and informal. "Enhance their public image" is a more natural and formal expression.

  6. "commercial support from residents" -> "commercial support from the public"
    Explanation: "Residents" is too specific and implies a local context. "The public" is more general and appropriate for discussing broader commercial support.

  7. "put the trust in the companies" -> "develop trust in the companies"
    Explanation: "Put the trust in" is informal and awkward. "Develop trust in" is more natural and formal.

  8. "may reach hundreds of billions of VND" -> "may exceed hundreds of billions of VND"
    Explanation: "Reach" is less precise in this context, as it implies a specific target. "Exceed" is more appropriate for describing the potential extent of the sales figures.

  9. "strategies.Vinamilk" -> "strategies, such as those employed by Vinamilk"
    Explanation: The original is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and maintains formal tone.

  10. "have the right to earning money as long as legally" -> "have the right to earn money legally"
    Explanation: "Earning money as long as legally" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Earn money legally" is grammatically correct and more direct.

  11. "implement different strategies and clear plans" -> "develop diverse strategies and clear plans"
    Explanation: "Implement" is correct but "develop" is more precise in the context of creating and refining strategies and plans.

  12. "All of this should be done to make sure that the firms are able to pay the salary for employers and the cost of the facility" -> "This should be done to ensure that firms can pay employee salaries and facility costs"
    Explanation: The original is verbose and awkward. The revision simplifies and clarifies the sentence, improving readability and formality.

  13. "profit from business will be used for upgrading the quality of products or advertising" -> "profits from business are used to enhance product quality or advertising"
    Explanation: "Will be used" is less formal and less precise than "are used," which is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

  14. "Before doing communal activities, they must have a significant profits" -> "Before engaging in community activities, they must have significant profits"
    Explanation: "Doing communal activities" is informal and incorrect. "Engaging in community activities" is more formal and correct. Also, "significant profits" should be "significant profit" for grammatical correctness.

  15. "in regardless of any situations" -> "regardless of any circumstances"
    Explanation: "In regardless of any situations" is grammatically incorrect. "Regardless of any circumstances" is grammatically correct and more formal.

  16. "spend a part of money with the aim of serving community" -> "allocate a portion of their resources to serve the community"
    Explanation: "Spend a part of money" is informal and vague. "Allocate a portion of their resources" is more precise and formal, and "serve the community" is grammatically correct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating agreement with the idea that businesses have social responsibilities alongside making money. The author presents reasons supporting this view, particularly focusing on the benefits to businesses when they engage in social activities. However, the essay could be improved by explicitly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint—that businesses might prioritize profit over social responsibility—and addressing it, even briefly. This would provide a more balanced response to the prompt.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the author should consider including a counterargument that acknowledges the perspective that businesses should focus solely on profit. This could be followed by a rebuttal that reinforces the importance of social responsibility, thereby enriching the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that businesses should engage in social responsibilities. The use of phrases like "I completely agree" establishes a strong stance. However, the conclusion somewhat muddles this clarity by stating that companies have the "right to make money legally in regardless of any situations," which could be interpreted as a shift away from the primary argument about social responsibility.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should ensure that the conclusion reflects the main argument without introducing new ideas. Reinforcing the connection between profit-making and social responsibility in the conclusion would help solidify the overall stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, particularly in the first body paragraph, where it discusses how social responsibility can enhance a company’s image and sales. The example of Vinamilk is relevant and well-integrated. However, the second body paragraph lacks depth; while it states that companies need to make profits, it does not sufficiently connect this point back to social responsibility or elaborate on how these two aspects can coexist.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate more on how profit-making and social responsibility can be mutually beneficial. Providing additional examples or data to support claims would also strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the responsibilities of businesses in relation to their profit-making activities. However, there are moments where the discussion of profits seems to overshadow the social responsibility aspect, particularly in the second body paragraph, which could lead to a perception of imbalance.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that every point made ties back to the central theme of social responsibility. Balancing the discussion of profits with their implications for social responsibility will help keep the essay aligned with the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from addressing counterarguments, ensuring consistency in the conclusion, elaborating on ideas, and maintaining a balance between profit-making and social responsibility.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, stating that businesses should have social responsibilities alongside making money. The arguments are generally well-structured, with each paragraph addressing a specific point. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of social responsibility to the necessity of profit generation feels abrupt and could confuse the reader. The introduction could also benefit from a clearer outline of the main points to be discussed.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the benefits of social responsibility, a phrase like "On the other hand, it is also essential to recognize that…" could help transition to the next point. Additionally, explicitly stating the main points in the introduction will provide a roadmap for the reader.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. However, the second paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one discussing the importance of social responsibility and the other focusing on the necessity of profit for business operations. This would allow for a clearer distinction between the two arguments and improve readability.
    • How to improve: When structuring paragraphs, ensure that each one has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will help the reader understand the focus of each paragraph immediately. For instance, starting the second paragraph with "While social responsibility is crucial, businesses must also prioritize profit generation to sustain their operations" would clarify the transition to discussing profit.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "in addition," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on simple conjunctions. For instance, the use of "and" and "but" could be diversified to enhance the sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore" to add information, "conversely" to introduce contrasting ideas, or "therefore" to indicate a conclusion. This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, ultimately leading to a more effective and persuasive argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "social responsibilities," "community," and "humanitarian activities." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "hundreds of billions of VND" and "companies have the right to earning money." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language.
    • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "hundreds of billions of VND," they could use "substantial revenue" or "significant financial gains." Additionally, using more varied phrases to describe social responsibility, such as "corporate social engagement" or "community investment," would enhance the essay’s lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes relevant vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "putting a part of money and effort into community" could be more clearly articulated as "investing resources into community initiatives." Additionally, "the right to earning money as long as legally" is awkwardly phrased; it would be clearer as "the right to earn money legally."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. They could revise sentences to ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed more directly. For instance, instead of "they must have a significant profits," it should be "they must achieve significant profits." This not only improves clarity but also grammatical accuracy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "sale figure" (should be "sales figures") and "in regardless of any situations" (should be "regardless of any situation"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common business and academic terms could help reduce mistakes in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and employs some relevant vocabulary, improvements in variety, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "When companies are willing to cooperate with local authorities or launch some meaningful program, they can boost their image to public" showcases an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "companies" at the beginning of sentences, which limits variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "companies," you could use phrases like "In many cases," or "It is evident that." Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help in linking ideas more fluidly.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "putting a part of money and effort into community" should be "putting part of their money and effort into the community." Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas in complex sentences (e.g., "they can boost their image to public" should be "they can boost their image to the public") affect readability. The use of "in regardless of any situations" is also incorrect; it should be "regardless of any situation."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, especially in subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practicing sentence combining can also help in mastering complex structures. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences and lists, will enhance clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct errors before submission.

By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals believe that businesses should have a responsibility to engage in social activities in addition to earning money. I completely agree with this view for several reasons, which will be discussed below.

The primary reason for my belief is that investing a portion of their resources in the community will help firms increase their sales figures. When companies are willing to cooperate with local authorities or launch meaningful programs, they can enhance their public image. As a result, companies can gain greater commercial support from residents, who are often impressed by humanitarian activities and develop trust in these businesses. For example, the total sales of Vinamilk may exceed hundreds of billions of VND due to successful strategies. Vinamilk is a company known for its strategic and clever business practices that effectively attract customers. Consequently, the company’s revenue can reach impressive figures. However, they are not only skilled at generating profits but are also well-known for their contributions to helping those in need. For instance, they collaborate with local communities to provide scholarships and educational funds for individuals facing difficult circumstances.

Another important reason is that companies have the right to earn money legally. In order to operate successfully, they need to develop diverse strategies and clear plans. This should be done to ensure that firms can pay employee salaries and cover facility costs. Additionally, profits from business are used to enhance product quality or advertising. Therefore, it is essential for companies to make money. Before engaging in community activities, they must have significant profits.

In conclusion, I strongly agree that companies have the right to earn money legally, regardless of any circumstances, in order to maintain their operations. Furthermore, they should allocate a portion of their resources to serve the community.

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