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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that beyond simply making a profit, firms should do more for society by undertaking social obligations. I completely agree with this viewpoint.
On the other hand, I accept that businesses must make money to survive in a competitive world. It seems logical that the priority of any company should be to cover its running costs such as employees’ wages, leasing payments and utilities, otherwise, it could be meaningless for the owner to start a business. On the of that, companies also need money to invest in development and innovation to maintain their success. If a company is unable to do its financial responsibilities, it hardly can make a positive contribution to society.
On the other hand, firms should not operate with the sole aim of maximising profit. They have a wider role to play in society. Firstly, companies should treat employees well rather than exploit them by paying a good salary and compensation to guarantee their quality of life. Secondly, it is essential for a company to support local charities, environmental projects and education initiatives. If society as a whole develops sustainably, businesses will have significant opportunities to flourish and expand. Finally, instead of taking advantage of accounting loopholes to minimise tax payments, companies have to contribute to society through the tax system.
In conclusion, I do agree with the idea that businesses should not only operate for financial objectives but also place importance on social obligations such as treating employees reasonably, contributing to local projects and paying sufficient tax.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is argued that beyond simply making a profit, firms should do more for society by undertaking social obligations. I completely agree with this viewpoint."
    -> "It is argued that beyond mere profit generation, firms should fulfill social obligations for the benefit of society. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective."
    Explanation: Replacing "simply making a profit" with "mere profit generation" and using "fulfill social obligations" instead of "undertaking social obligations" elevates the language to a more formal and precise level, aligning with academic style.

  2. "On the other hand, I accept that businesses must make money to survive in a competitive world."
    -> "However, I acknowledge that businesses need to generate revenue to thrive in a competitive environment."
    Explanation: Replacing "must make money" with "need to generate revenue" and using "thrive" instead of "survive" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence while maintaining a natural flow.

  3. "It seems logical that the priority of any company should be to cover its running costs such as employees’ wages, leasing payments and utilities, otherwise, it could be meaningless for the owner to start a business."
    -> "It is logical that a company’s foremost priority should encompass covering operational expenses, including employee wages, lease payments, and utilities. Otherwise, initiating a business may lack meaningful purpose for the owner."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace colloquial expressions like "It seems logical" with "It is logical" and provide a more structured and formal presentation of the idea.

  4. "On the of that, companies also need money to invest in development and innovation to maintain their success."
    -> "Moreover, companies require funds for investment in development and innovation to sustain their success."
    Explanation: Correcting the typo ("On the of that" to "Moreover") and replacing "also need money" with "require funds" contributes to a more polished and formal expression of the idea.

  5. "If a company is unable to do its financial responsibilities, it hardly can make a positive contribution to society."
    -> "If a company fails to fulfill its financial obligations, it is unlikely to make a positive contribution to society."
    Explanation: Substituting "unable to do its financial responsibilities" with "fails to fulfill its financial obligations" results in a more precise and formal articulation of the statement.

  6. "Firms should not operate with the sole aim of maximising profit."
    -> "Companies should not operate solely with the objective of maximizing profit."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence and using "solely with the objective" instead of "with the sole aim" maintains clarity and aligns with academic formality.

  7. "They have a wider role to play in society."
    -> "They have a broader role to fulfill in society."
    Explanation: Replacing "wider role to play" with "broader role to fulfill" maintains the meaning while presenting it in a more formal and sophisticated manner.

  8. "Firstly, companies should treat employees well rather than exploit them by paying a good salary and compensation to guarantee their quality of life."
    -> "Firstly, companies should treat employees fairly, offering competitive salaries and compensation to ensure a high quality of life."
    Explanation: Replacing "treat employees well" with "treat employees fairly" and refining the phrase "paying a good salary and compensation to guarantee their quality of life" enhances the precision and formality of the statement.

  9. "If society as a whole develops sustainably, businesses will have significant opportunities to flourish and expand."
    -> "In the event of sustainable societal development, businesses will encounter ample opportunities for flourishing and expansion."
    Explanation: Substituting "develops sustainably" with "sustainable societal development" and using "encounter ample opportunities" instead of "have significant opportunities" adds formality and clarity to the sentence.

  10. "Instead of taking advantage of accounting loopholes to minimise tax payments, companies have to contribute to society through the tax system."
    -> "Rather than exploiting accounting loopholes to minimize tax payments, companies must contribute to society through the tax system."
    Explanation: Using "rather than" instead of "instead of" and replacing "have to contribute" with "must contribute" contributes to a more formal tone, emphasizing the obligation of companies.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt – the importance of businesses making money and their social responsibilities. The introduction provides a clear stance, and the body paragraphs elaborate on the need for financial stability as well as social contributions. Relevant sections are cited to support these points.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides of the argument, adding a sentence in the introduction explicitly mentioning the two aspects could further enhance clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, clearly expressing agreement with the idea that businesses should have social responsibilities beyond financial objectives. Examples, such as the importance of treating employees well and supporting local initiatives, reinforce this position.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, consider providing a more nuanced discussion of potential counterarguments, acknowledging opposing views and then refuting them.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented logically and extended sufficiently. The essay discusses the financial aspects of businesses and then transitions to social responsibilities, providing examples and explanations for each point.
    • How to improve: To enhance depth, consider offering more specific examples and details in support of the arguments, illustrating the impact of businesses on society with real-world examples.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the given topic, discussing both the financial and social aspects of businesses. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central theme by avoiding any unnecessary or tangential information.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the prompt, earning a Band Score of 8. To further improve, consider incorporating more nuanced discussions and providing richer examples to support the presented ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction presents the writer’s stance, followed by balanced discussions in the body paragraphs. However, there is a slight lack of clear transitions between some ideas. For instance, the transition between discussing a company’s financial responsibilities and its broader societal role could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on creating seamless transitions between ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Consider rephrasing sentences for improved coherence, ensuring a smooth progression of ideas throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, each addressing a specific point of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, providing further elaboration on certain ideas. For example, the paragraph discussing the financial responsibilities of businesses could benefit from additional examples or details to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Develop each point with examples or evidence to provide a more thorough exploration of the ideas presented. This will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-supported argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "on the other hand," "finally") and reference expressions (e.g., "it" to refer to companies). While these devices contribute to coherence, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. Repetition of certain phrases, like "on the other hand," may slightly impact the overall variety.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating a broader selection of transition words and phrases. This can include synonyms for commonly used terms to avoid repetition. Additionally, consider using pronouns more selectively to enhance clarity and cohesion. A diverse use of cohesive devices contributes to a more engaging and well-connected essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To enhance the score, focus on refining transitions, strengthening paragraph development, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and cohesive presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied expressions and terminology related to the topic, such as "social obligations," "sustainably," "exploit," and "accounting loopholes." However, there is room for improvement in terms of incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and nuanced expressions to elevate the lexical range.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider integrating more specialized terms and academic vocabulary related to business ethics and corporate social responsibility. Additionally, explore more nuanced synonyms and expressions to convey ideas in a more nuanced manner. For instance, instead of the straightforward use of "support local charities," consider phrases like "actively engage in philanthropic endeavors at the community level."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "It seems logical" might be considered a bit vague. Additionally, the term "development and innovation" is broad and could benefit from more specific language.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by avoiding vague expressions like "It seems logical." Instead, directly state the logical connection or use a more precise term. When discussing the need for financial resources, specify the types of development and innovation that businesses should invest in. For example, mention specific areas such as research and development, technological advancements, or sustainable practices.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there is a minor error in the sentence, "On the of that," where "of" should be replaced with "top." Overall, the spelling accuracy is commendable.
    • How to improve: Continue to maintain a high level of spelling accuracy. Review your writing carefully to catch minor errors like the one mentioned. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to assist in identifying and correcting such errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, with room for refinement to achieve a higher band score. Focus on incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary, precision in expression, and continuous attention to spelling accuracy to elevate the overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, but there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety. For instance, there is a reliance on basic sentence structures, and more complex structures, such as compound-complex sentences or varied clause structures, could be incorporated to enhance overall fluency and coherence. The essay tends to use a predominantly straightforward writing style.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of compound and complex sentences. Introduce subordination and coordination to create a more dynamic flow. For example, instead of using only simple sentences to express ideas, experiment with compound or complex sentences. This will add sophistication to the writing and contribute to a more engaging and coherent essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of minor errors, such as the use of "on the of that" instead of "on top of that" and "operate for financial objectives" which could be improved to "operate with financial objectives." Additionally, there is a slight punctuation error in the sentence, "It seems logical that the priority of any company should be to cover its running costs such as employees’ wages, leasing payments and utilities, otherwise, it could be meaningless for the owner to start a business." The comma after "utilities" is unnecessary.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure and ensure that ideas are expressed clearly. Proofread the essay to catch minor grammatical errors and correct them. Additionally, review the usage of transitional phrases and consider using more advanced punctuation, such as semicolons or dashes, to enhance sentence structure. A more thorough revision will help eliminate these minor issues and contribute to an overall improvement in grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is contended that businesses should go beyond mere profit generation and fulfill social responsibilities for the benefit of society. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective.

However, I acknowledge that businesses need to generate revenue to thrive in a competitive environment. It is logical that a company’s foremost priority should encompass covering operational expenses, including employee wages, lease payments, and utilities. Otherwise, initiating a business may lack a meaningful purpose for the owner. Moreover, companies require funds for investment in development and innovation to sustain their success. If a company fails to fulfill its financial obligations, it is unlikely to make a positive contribution to society.

Companies should not operate solely with the objective of maximizing profit. They have a broader role to fulfill in society. Firstly, companies should treat employees fairly, offering competitive salaries and compensation to ensure a high quality of life. In the event of sustainable societal development, businesses will encounter ample opportunities for flourishing and expansion. Rather than exploiting accounting loopholes to minimize tax payments, companies must contribute to society through the tax system.

In conclusion, while recognizing the necessity for businesses to make money, I firmly believe that they should prioritize fulfilling their social obligations. This includes treating employees fairly and contributing to societal development, thereby ensuring a balanced and responsible approach to business operations.

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