Behaviour in schools is getting worse. Explain the causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions
Behaviour in schools is getting worse. Explain the causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions
In recent days, the behavior of students in school has become worse. Numerous reasons that can lead to this negative trend. However, this trouble could be tackled by the effort of taking measures by society and each individual.
An increase in the number of bad moral teenagers can stem from numerous causes. To begin with, due to the development of technology and the economy, a large number of students own technical devices such as mobile phones, laptops, or tablets. In this way, some of them could access social media and news at an extremely young age, they may be appealed by violated behaviors or harmful content on media outlets. For instance, there various channels or accounts on YouTube or TikTok create many videos that are not appropriate or go against societal norms, which easily pose a serious threat to children, as a result, they form a bad mentality and express them to other people. Another reason that could be explained for this phenomenon is parents pay less attention to their children because they are busy with work or other relationships. This way may affect lots of the teens in their development period.
On the other hand, schools and parents could use several methods for educating the young. In terms of family, they can focus more on their children's behaviors, and attempt to adjust them if they are on the wrong track. In addition, parents should encourage their child to participate in outdoor activities or physical training, this can help adolescents have better fitness and good mental health. Regarding educational institutions, the teachers should make a strong bond with their pupils as they can communicate with the teenagers to have a deeper understanding of the teens.
In conclusion, the increasing tendency to bad moral behaviors of juveniles could be elucidated by the carelessness of family and early access to technology. However, parents and schools should educate them by better methods and sharing.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"In recent days" -> "Recently"
Explanation: "Recently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "In recent days," which is somewhat colloquial and less precise in academic writing. -
"the behavior of students in school has become worse" -> "student behavior in schools has deteriorated"
Explanation: "Deteriorated" is a more formal and precise term than "become worse," and using "student behavior" instead of "the behavior of students" is more concise and direct. -
"Numerous reasons that can lead to this negative trend" -> "Numerous factors contributing to this negative trend"
Explanation: "Factors" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "reasons," which can be vague and imprecise in this context. -
"this trouble could be tackled by the effort of taking measures by society and each individual" -> "this issue can be addressed through collective efforts by society and individuals"
Explanation: "Issue" is more specific than "trouble," and "can be addressed through collective efforts" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea of tackling a problem collaboratively. -
"An increase in the number of bad moral teenagers" -> "An increase in the number of teenagers with poor morals"
Explanation: "Teenagers with poor morals" is a more precise and formal way to describe the issue, avoiding the awkward and informal construction "bad moral teenagers." -
"due to the development of technology and the economy" -> "owing to technological advancements and economic growth"
Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal transitional phrase than "due to," and "technological advancements and economic growth" are more specific and academically appropriate terms. -
"a large number of students own technical devices" -> "many students possess technical devices"
Explanation: "Possess" is a more formal verb than "own," and "many" is more appropriate in academic writing than "a large number of." -
"they may be appealed by" -> "they may be influenced by"
Explanation: "Influenced by" is a more precise and formal term than "appealed by," which is less commonly used in this context. -
"there various channels or accounts on YouTube or TikTok create" -> "there are various channels or accounts on YouTube or TikTok that create"
Explanation: Adding "are" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the sentence structure. -
"they form a bad mentality and express them to other people" -> "they develop negative attitudes and express them to others"
Explanation: "Develop negative attitudes" is more precise and formal than "form a bad mentality," and "others" is more appropriate than "other people" in formal writing. -
"parents pay less attention to their children" -> "parents devote less attention to their children"
Explanation: "Devote" is a more formal and precise verb than "pay," which is somewhat informal in this context. -
"they are busy with work or other relationships" -> "they are preoccupied with work or other commitments"
Explanation: "Preoccupied with" and "commitments" are more formal and specific than "busy with" and "relationships," which are somewhat vague and informal. -
"they can focus more on their children’s behaviors" -> "they should focus more on their children’s behavior"
Explanation: "Should" implies a recommendation, which is more appropriate in an academic context than "can," which is more permissive. -
"attempt to adjust them if they are on the wrong track" -> "attempt to redirect them if they stray from the right path"
Explanation: "Redirect" and "stray from the right path" are more precise and formal expressions than "adjust" and "on the wrong track." -
"encourage their child to participate in outdoor activities or physical training" -> "encourage their children to engage in outdoor activities or physical training"
Explanation: "Engage in" is more formal and appropriate than "participate in," and "children" should be plural to match the context. -
"this can help adolescents have better fitness and good mental health" -> "this can enhance adolescents’ physical fitness and mental well-being"
Explanation: "Enhance" is more formal than "help," and "physical fitness and mental well-being" are more precise and academically appropriate terms than "better fitness and good mental health." -
"the teachers should make a strong bond with their pupils" -> "teachers should establish strong bonds with their students"
Explanation: "Establish strong bonds" is a more formal and precise phrase than "make a strong bond," and "students" is more appropriate than "pupils" in modern academic contexts.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the causes and effects of worsening behavior in schools, as well as suggesting possible solutions. The causes are identified as increased access to technology and parental neglect. However, the effects are not explicitly stated, which weakens the overall response. The mention of solutions is present but lacks depth and specificity.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should clearly outline the effects of poor behavior in schools, such as academic decline or increased disciplinary issues. Additionally, solutions could be more detailed, perhaps by providing specific programs or strategies that schools and parents could implement.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position regarding the causes and solutions to the problem of worsening behavior. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating the thesis, and the conclusion does not strongly reiterate the main points or the urgency of the issue.
- How to improve: Strengthening the thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline the main arguments would help. In the conclusion, summarizing the key points and emphasizing the importance of addressing the issue would reinforce the position taken throughout the essay.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes of poor behavior, such as technology use and parental neglect. However, the ideas are not fully extended or supported with sufficient examples or evidence. For instance, while the mention of inappropriate content on social media is relevant, it could be elaborated with specific examples of its impact on behavior.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics that link technology use to behavioral issues would strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on the suggested solutions with practical examples would enhance the support for those ideas.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes, effects, and solutions related to student behavior. However, there are moments where the flow could be improved, particularly in transitioning between ideas. For example, the shift from discussing causes to solutions could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and improve coherence, the writer should use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the prompt. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively, ensuring that each part of the essay connects logically to the next.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and coherence of arguments will help achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally organized logically, with the first body paragraph addressing causes and the second focusing on solutions. However, the transition between the causes and solutions could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used to signal a shift, but it does not fully encapsulate the relationship between the two sections.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases that indicate the relationship between ideas. For example, instead of "On the other hand," you could use "In response to these challenges," which would better connect the causes to the proposed solutions.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first discussing causes and the second outlining solutions. However, the introduction could be more developed to clearly state the main points that will be discussed, and the conclusion could summarize the key ideas more effectively.
- How to improve: Strengthen the introduction by explicitly stating the main causes and solutions that will be explored in the essay. Additionally, in the conclusion, reiterate the main points discussed in the body paragraphs to reinforce the argument and provide a more cohesive ending.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "for instance," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but it could be better integrated to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases such as "furthermore," "consequently," and "moreover." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used in a way that clearly articulates the relationship between ideas. For example, when discussing the effects of technology on behavior, explicitly link the access to harmful content with the resulting negative behaviors to strengthen the argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help to elevate the score further.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. Phrases like "bad moral teenagers" and "negative trend" are somewhat simplistic and could be expressed with more nuanced vocabulary, such as "deteriorating moral standards among adolescents" or "adverse behavioral trends." Additionally, the use of "technical devices" could be improved to "digital devices" for a more contemporary feel.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced terms. For example, instead of repeating "bad" and "worse," the writer could use "detrimental," "unacceptable," or "problematic." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more academic articles could help in discovering more varied vocabulary.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to convey its points, some vocabulary choices are imprecise or awkward. For instance, the phrase "appealed by violated behaviors" is unclear and could be better articulated as "drawn to inappropriate or harmful behaviors." Additionally, "this way may affect lots of the teens" is vague; a more precise expression would be "this neglect can adversely impact many adolescents."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context and clarity. It would be beneficial to revise sentences for clearer meaning. For example, instead of "this trouble could be tackled by the effort of taking measures by society and each individual," a clearer version could be "this issue can be addressed through collective efforts from both society and individuals." Regular practice in paraphrasing and summarizing texts can also aid in developing this skill.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some spelling errors, such as "violated behaviors" (which should be "violent behaviors") and "elucidated" (which is correct but may not fit the context well). The overall spelling is fairly accurate, but these errors can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Reading more can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and practicing spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "An increase in the number of bad moral teenagers can stem from numerous causes" effectively uses a complex structure to introduce the topic. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or varied introductory phrases. The use of phrases like "to begin with" and "on the other hand" helps in organizing the essay but could be supplemented with more diverse transitional phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as those that use conditional clauses (e.g., "If parents were more involved, students might behave better"). Additionally, varying the sentence openings can create a more engaging writing style. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "this way" or "in addition," the writer could use phrases like "Moreover," "Consequently," or "As a result of this."
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "Numerous reasons that can lead to this negative trend" is a fragment and should be revised to "There are numerous reasons that can lead to this negative trend." Additionally, the sentence "In this way, some of them could access social media and news at an extremely young age, they may be appealed by violated behaviors or harmful content on media outlets" is a run-on sentence that requires a conjunction or a period to separate the two independent clauses. Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, can lead to confusion, as seen in "For instance, there various channels or accounts on YouTube or TikTok create many videos that are not appropriate or go against societal norms."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review sentence structure rules, particularly focusing on avoiding fragments and run-on sentences. Practicing the use of conjunctions and punctuation will help in creating clearer sentences. Additionally, proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and comma placement, can enhance overall accuracy. Engaging in grammar exercises or utilizing grammar-checking tools may also be beneficial in identifying and correcting mistakes before finalizing the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent days, the behavior of students in schools has become worse. There are numerous reasons that can lead to this negative trend. However, this issue can be tackled through the efforts of society and individuals.
An increase in the number of teenagers with poor morals can stem from various causes. To begin with, owing to the development of technology and the economy, a large number of students possess technical devices such as mobile phones, laptops, or tablets. In this way, some of them could access social media and news at an extremely young age; they may be influenced by violated behaviors or harmful content on media outlets. For instance, there are various channels or accounts on YouTube or TikTok that create many videos that are not appropriate or go against societal norms, which easily pose a serious threat to children. As a result, they develop negative attitudes and express them to others. Another reason that can explain this phenomenon is that parents pay less attention to their children because they are preoccupied with work or other commitments. This may affect many teens during their development period.
On the other hand, schools and parents could use several methods for educating the young. In terms of family, they can focus more on their children’s behavior and attempt to redirect them if they stray from the right path. In addition, parents should encourage their children to engage in outdoor activities or physical training; this can enhance adolescents’ physical fitness and mental well-being. Regarding educational institutions, teachers should establish strong bonds with their students so they can communicate with teenagers to gain a deeper understanding of them.
In conclusion, the increasing tendency towards bad moral behaviors among juveniles can be elucidated by the carelessness of families and early access to technology. However, parents and schools should educate them through better methods and shared efforts.