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Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Being a celebrity – such as a famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

There has been a prevailing belief that being a public figure, such as a well-known actor or actress or a sports star, comes with both merits and demerits. This essay will evaluate both sides of such an issue, providing the rationale for why the latter stance is indeed of more consideration.

Admittedly, one might claim that fame might yield several benefits for individuals. Chief among these is the lucrative income it could bring to a celebrity. It is readily apparent that when becoming famous, people could sign million-dollar deals and attend several big-sized events where they could earn a great deal of money. Therefore, they might afford luxurious cars and houses, upgrading their living standards. In tandem, famous people could also contribute to society as a whole, since they could organize campaigns for community benefits and donate money to charitable organizations, which, in fact, have been carried out by several celebrities. However, this line of reasoning is flawed, as it fails to assess that these circumstances might only happen to top celebrities, not to any famous people. For example, there are many famous stars who are still burdened with debt from their management companies, causing them to still be unable to pay for themselves even after many years of working.

Despite the aforementioned discourse, I opine that the drawbacks of becoming a celebrity far outweigh its favorable impacts. The prominent explanation is that it might result in a lack of privacy for individuals. Famous people are always subject to discussion by people in society, thus making them constantly being judged on their personality, habits, and lifestyle. As a result, this might lead to the destruction of their private life, and well-known people might also be susceptible to trauma and other mental illnesses. The Korean entertainment industry has perfectly exemplified this circumstance, where many stars such as Sully, or Goo Hara had to commit suicide because of too much pressure from criticism of the online community. Besides, it is also notable that famous individuals might not be capable of doing ordinary activities such as going shopping, gossiping with friends in public places, or visiting whatever places they want. Since they are always in the public eye, they are forced to live a different way, or else they might stand a great chance of being criticized and offended.

In conclusion, while being a household name has its advantages to some extent, for the reasons elaborated above, I contend that these are overshadowed by the associated shortcomings.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there has been a prevailing belief" -> "there exists a prevalent belief"
    Explanation: Replacing "there has been a prevailing belief" with "there exists a prevalent belief" adds a touch of formality and precision to the statement, aligning it more closely with academic style.

  2. "demerits" -> "disadvantages"
    Explanation: Substituting "demerits" with "disadvantages" maintains a formal tone while offering a more commonly used term in academic writing.

  3. "This essay will evaluate both sides of such an issue" -> "This essay will examine both perspectives of the issue"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the academic tone by replacing "evaluate both sides of such an issue" with "examine both perspectives of the issue."

  4. "Chief among these is the lucrative income" -> "Foremost among these is the lucrative income"
    Explanation: The replacement of "Chief among these is" with "Foremost among these is" elevates the formality of the sentence without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "readily apparent" -> "evident"
    Explanation: Substituting "readily apparent" with "evident" maintains clarity while using a more concise and formal term.

  6. "big-sized events" -> "large-scale events"
    Explanation: Replacing "big-sized events" with "large-scale events" is a more precise and formal expression suitable for academic writing.

  7. "a great deal of money" -> "a substantial amount of money"
    Explanation: Changing "a great deal of money" to "a substantial amount of money" enhances the formality and specificity of the statement.

  8. "this line of reasoning is flawed" -> "this line of reasoning is problematic"
    Explanation: Substituting "flawed" with "problematic" maintains formality and offers a more nuanced term to describe the issue.

  9. "carried out by several celebrities" -> "undertaken by various celebrities"
    Explanation: Replacing "carried out by several celebrities" with "undertaken by various celebrities" introduces a more sophisticated and varied vocabulary.

  10. "top celebrities" -> "prominent celebrities"
    Explanation: The substitution of "top celebrities" with "prominent celebrities" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise term.

  11. "burdened with debt" -> "encumbered with debt"
    Explanation: Replacing "burdened with debt" with "encumbered with debt" offers a more formal and nuanced expression in an academic context.

  12. "Despite the aforementioned discourse" -> "Despite the discussion above"
    Explanation: The suggested change simplifies the expression while retaining formality.

  13. "I opine that" -> "I contend that"
    Explanation: Substituting "I opine that" with "I contend that" adds formality to the statement without altering its meaning.

  14. "The prominent explanation is that" -> "A key explanation is that"
    Explanation: Replacing "The prominent explanation is that" with "A key explanation is that" maintains formality and introduces a more precise term.

  15. "might result in a lack of privacy" -> "could result in a lack of privacy"
    Explanation: Changing "might result in a lack of privacy" to "could result in a lack of privacy" adds a subtle level of certainty to the statement.

  16. "constantly being judged" -> "constantly subject to judgment"
    Explanation: Substituting "constantly being judged" with "constantly subject to judgment" offers a more formal and passive construction.

  17. "destruction of their private life" -> "invasion of their private life"
    Explanation: Replacing "destruction of their private life" with "invasion of their private life" introduces a more nuanced term while maintaining formality.

  18. "too much pressure" -> "excessive pressure"
    Explanation: Changing "too much pressure" to "excessive pressure" offers a more formal and precise expression.

  19. "gossiping with friends" -> "engaging in casual conversations with friends"
    Explanation: Replacing "gossiping with friends" with "engaging in casual conversations with friends" maintains formality and provides a more detailed description.

  20. "or else they might stand a great chance of being criticized and offended" -> "or else they risk facing criticism and offense"
    Explanation: The suggested change simplifies the expression while retaining formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the benefits and problems of being a celebrity. It acknowledges the potential advantages of fame, such as financial success and the ability to contribute to society. Additionally, it delves into the drawbacks, particularly the lack of privacy and the negative impact on mental health. Relevant examples are provided, such as the mention of celebrities in debt and specific instances from the Korean entertainment industry.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally answers all parts of the question, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the societal contributions made by celebrities. Providing concrete instances of charitable activities or community campaigns initiated by famous individuals would enhance the completeness of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, asserting that the drawbacks of celebrity status outweigh the benefits. This position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The writer effectively communicates their perspective and supports it with well-reasoned arguments.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could explicitly state the stance in the thesis statement, providing a roadmap for the reader. This would help set a clear expectation for the overall argument presented in the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, extending them with detailed explanations and supporting examples. The discussion on the financial benefits of fame and the negative consequences, such as the lack of privacy and mental health issues, is well-developed. The use of examples from the Korean entertainment industry adds depth to the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s development, consider providing more nuanced examples of the benefits of fame. Additionally, expanding on the societal contributions made by celebrities could strengthen the argument further.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the benefits and problems of being a celebrity. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes more focused on the negative aspects, particularly in the second paragraph. While this doesn’t significantly deviate from the topic, maintaining a more balanced approach throughout would be beneficial.
    • How to improve: To ensure a more balanced discussion, consciously incorporate positive aspects of being a celebrity in each body paragraph. This will create a more comprehensive exploration of both sides of the argument.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, presents and supports ideas well, and generally stays on topic. To enhance the essay, consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the position in the thesis, expanding on the benefits of fame, and maintaining a balanced discussion throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, following a clear introduction, body, and conclusion structure. Each paragraph presents a distinct aspect of the argument, providing a coherent flow. However, there is room for improvement in transitioning between ideas, as some connections between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of fame to its drawbacks in the second paragraph could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the flow of ideas. For example, a more explicit transition from discussing benefits to drawbacks could be achieved by introducing a sentence that signals the shift in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, promoting clarity and coherence. However, there’s a minor issue in the second paragraph where the shift from discussing the benefits to drawbacks could be more clearly marked for a smoother reading experience.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and focuses on a single main idea. Additionally, use transition sentences or words to guide the reader through the shifts in the argument. Consider revising the second paragraph to make the transition between discussing benefits and drawbacks more explicit.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns ("it," "this"), conjunctions ("however," "despite"), and reference words ("these," "the latter"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences could be strengthened for a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more transitional words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "on the other hand." These will help establish clearer relationships between ideas and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively organizes information into well-structured paragraphs and employs various cohesive devices, there’s room for improvement in the smooth transition between ideas and paragraphs. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to an even more coherent and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "prevailing belief," "demerits," "lucrative income," "burdened with debt," "discourse," and "household name." However, the usage lacks consistency, and there’s room for improvement in showcasing a more diverse and nuanced vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and exploring varied sentence structures. Introduce specialized vocabulary related to the topic, such as terms specific to fame, challenges faced by celebrities, or psychological impacts.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "sign million-dollar deals" is precise, while the term "flawed" is more general. The essay would benefit from consistently using precise vocabulary to convey ideas more accurately.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to word choice and opt for more specific terms. For instance, instead of "flawed," consider using "incomplete" or "unsubstantiated." Precision enhances clarity and ensures that the intended meaning is accurately conveyed.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with no glaring errors observed. However, it’s essential to note that lexical resource also includes correct word usage and collocations.
    • How to improve: Continue practicing accurate spelling and also focus on proper word combinations and phrases. Proofreading carefully can help catch any potential errors and ensure the essay maintains a high level of language accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary, but improvements can be made by consistently using a wider range of words, choosing more precise terms, and maintaining a high level of spelling accuracy. These enhancements will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of various sentence structures. The writer employs complex sentences with appropriate subordination, such as in the introductory paragraph. There is a mix of compound and complex sentences throughout the essay, showcasing a good range of structures. Transition phrases are effectively used to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, enhancing the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While the variety of sentence structures is generally strong, consider incorporating more advanced syntactic structures, such as parallelism, inverted sentences, or rhetorical questions, to add flair and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, pay attention to sentence length for a more dynamic flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. The majority of sentences are grammatically sound, and the writer effectively employs punctuation marks, including commas, periods, and semicolons. Notable is the correct use of parallelism in the sentence "gossiping with friends in public places, or visiting whatever places they want."
    • How to improve: While grammatical accuracy is strong, be cautious with sentence structure complexity. In a few instances, the connection between ideas within a sentence could be clearer. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure complete grammatical accuracy. For example, in the sentence "there has been a prevailing belief," the singular "belief" does not precisely agree with the plural "there have been."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and punctuation. To enhance the writing further, strive for even greater variety in sentence structures and ensure meticulous attention to detail in terms of grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

There exists a prevalent belief that being a public figure, such as a well-known actor, actress, or a sports star, comes with both advantages and disadvantages. This essay will examine both perspectives of the issue, shedding light on why the drawbacks might outweigh the benefits.

Foremost among these advantages is the potential for a lucrative income for celebrities. It is evident that fame can open doors to million-dollar deals and participation in large-scale events, enabling individuals to amass a substantial amount of money. Consequently, they may afford luxurious lifestyles, upgrading their living standards. Moreover, celebrities can contribute to society by organizing campaigns for community benefits and donating to charitable organizations, as undertaken by various celebrities. However, this line of reasoning is problematic, as it overlooks the fact that such circumstances may only apply to top-tier celebrities, leaving many famous stars encumbered with debt from their management companies.

Despite the discussion above, I contend that the disadvantages of becoming a celebrity far outweigh its favorable impacts. A key explanation is that fame could result in a lack of privacy for individuals. Prominent celebrities are constantly subject to judgment by society, leading to scrutiny of their personality, habits, and lifestyle. This invasion of their private life may result in psychological stress, trauma, and other mental health issues. The Korean entertainment industry provides poignant examples, with stars like Sully and Goo Hara resorting to tragic measures due to excessive pressure and criticism from the online community.

Furthermore, it is essential to note that famous individuals may struggle to engage in casual conversations with friends in public places or undertake ordinary activities such as shopping without facing criticism and offense. The constant public scrutiny forces them to alter their way of life, navigating excessive pressure to conform to societal expectations.

In conclusion, while being a household name has its advantages to some extent, the reasons elaborated above indicate that these are overshadowed by the associated shortcomings.

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