Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Provide relevant examples of necessary.
Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Provide relevant examples of necessary.
It is often argued that work with huge remuneration is of greater priority than the fulfilment it brings.
I completely disagree with this opinion and think that work satisfaction is much more essential than a big wage.
First of all, I believe that being satisfied with one's job gives a sense of fulfilment and pleasure regardless of the money being paid. Despite the huge wage, the joy and contentment derived cannot be quantified. For example, I once heard a story of a top manager in a multinational company who was frustrated with his job even though he was highly paid . He always feels tense and compromises with his conscience hence he had to tender his resignation letter. It is therefore important to take a profession that is appealing rather than the big salary it promises.
Secondly, being passionate about your profession keeps you motivated and always seeking opportunities for career and personal development. Furthermore, satisfaction at a place of work results in productivity and contentment that money cannot give . For instance, as an eye care professional, the joy of saving the sight of my patients and the huge smile on their faces motivated me to gain more knowledge and skills which resulted in greater productivity far beyond what a high wage can give . Thus advantages of a fulfilled job far outweigh the big pay.
In conclusion, I strongly disagree that big pay is highly significant than job satisfaction because the contentment one's profession gives makes people joyful and motivated. So ,therefore, it's very important to choose the kind of work that makes you happy than to look only at high earnings.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"work with huge remuneration" -> "positions with substantial compensation"
Explanation: "Positions with substantial compensation" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "work with huge remuneration." -
"I completely disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "I strongly disagree" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "completely." -
"think that work satisfaction is much more essential" -> "believe that job satisfaction is significantly more crucial"
Explanation: "Believe" and "significantly more crucial" enhance the formality and emphasize the importance of the statement. -
"a big wage" -> "substantial compensation"
Explanation: "Substantial compensation" is more formal and precise than "a big wage," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"the joy and contentment derived cannot be quantified" -> "the joy and contentment derived are inestimable"
Explanation: "Inestimable" is a more formal and precise term that conveys the idea that something cannot be measured or valued accurately. -
"I once heard a story of a top manager" -> "I recall a story about a senior manager"
Explanation: "I recall a story about a senior manager" is more formal and avoids the casual tone of "I once heard a story of." -
"he was frustrated with his job even though he was highly paid" -> "he was dissatisfied with his role despite his high remuneration"
Explanation: "Dissatisfied with his role" and "high remuneration" are more formal and precise terms, improving the academic tone. -
"compromises with his conscience" -> "compromised his integrity"
Explanation: "Compromised his integrity" is a more precise and formal way to describe the negative impact on one’s moral principles. -
"tender his resignation letter" -> "submit his resignation letter"
Explanation: "Submit his resignation letter" is the correct formal expression, replacing the less formal "tender." -
"being passionate about your profession keeps you motivated" -> "being passionate about one’s profession maintains motivation"
Explanation: "Maintains motivation" is a more formal and precise way to express the ongoing effect of passion on motivation. -
"satisfaction at a place of work results in productivity and contentment that money cannot give" -> "job satisfaction yields productivity and contentment that cannot be replicated by financial compensation"
Explanation: "Yields" and "cannot be replicated by financial compensation" are more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone. -
"the huge smile on their faces" -> "the significant smiles on their faces"
Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and less colloquial than "huge," which is somewhat informal. -
"the kind of work that makes you happy" -> "the type of work that brings happiness"
Explanation: "The type of work that brings happiness" is more formal and avoids the second-person pronoun "you," which is less appropriate in formal academic writing. -
"So,therefore," -> "Therefore,"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "So" corrects the punctuation error and maintains the formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9
Band Score for Task Response: 9
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position that job satisfaction is more important than a high salary. Each part of the question is tackled, with the author providing reasons and examples to support their stance. The introduction sets the tone, while the body paragraphs delve into the benefits of job satisfaction, illustrating the argument with personal anecdotes and general observations.
- How to improve: While the essay comprehensively answers the question, it could benefit from acknowledging the opposing viewpoint briefly before refuting it. This would demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic and provide a more balanced perspective.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear and consistent position throughout the essay, firmly stating their disagreement with the notion that salary outweighs job satisfaction. Phrases like "I completely disagree" and "I strongly disagree" reinforce this stance. The use of personal examples adds credibility and clarity to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity,the author could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through their reasoning more smoothly. For instance, explicitly stating "On the contrary" when addressing the opposing view could strengthen the argument’s structure.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are well-presented and supported with relevant examples. The author effectively uses personal experience as an eye care professional to illustrate the intrinsic rewards of job satisfaction. The narrative about the frustrated manager serves as a compelling counterpoint to the idea of high salaries leading to happiness.
- How to improve: While the examples are strong, further elaboration on the consequences of job dissatisfaction could enhance the argument. For instance, discussing potential mental health impacts or long-term career implications could provide a more comprehensive view of why job satisfaction is crucial.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, consistently relating back to the central argument that job satisfaction is more important than salary. Each paragraph contributes to this theme, and there are no significant deviations from the topic.
- How to improve: To ensure sustained focus, the author should avoid introducing any new ideas in the conclusion. Instead, they could summarize the main points made in the body paragraphs to reinforce the argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a high level of proficiency in addressing the Task Response criteria, meriting a Band Score of 9. With minor adjustments to balance the argument and enhance elaboration, the essay could achieve an even greater depth of analysis.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the idea that a high salary is more important than job satisfaction. The introduction states the writer’s position effectively, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. The first paragraph discusses the emotional fulfillment derived from job satisfaction, while the second paragraph emphasizes motivation and productivity. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the connection between job satisfaction leading to personal development could be better articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing emotional fulfillment, you could introduce the next paragraph with a sentence like, "In addition to emotional benefits, job satisfaction also plays a crucial role in professional growth."
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are also clearly defined. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision or a clearer topic sentence to enhance clarity. The current structure may lead to some confusion about the main point being made in that paragraph.
- How to improve: Consider starting the second body paragraph with a strong topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, such as "Moreover, job satisfaction fosters continuous personal and professional development." This will help guide the reader and clarify the focus of the paragraph.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "secondly," and "for example," which help to connect ideas and examples. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For example, the phrase "thus advantages of a fulfilled job far outweigh the big pay" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbial phrases, and referencing techniques. For instance, instead of repeating "for example," you might use "to illustrate this point" or "as a case in point." Additionally, ensure that sentences flow smoothly into one another by using linking words such as "therefore," "consequently," or "in contrast."
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, further solidifying the argument presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "remuneration," "fulfilment," "contentment," and "motivated." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "big salary" and "job satisfaction," which appear multiple times without variation.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "big salary," you might use "high income," "substantial remuneration," or "generous compensation." Similarly, for "job satisfaction," alternatives like "professional fulfillment" or "workplace contentment" could be employed.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the joy and contentment derived cannot be quantified" is somewhat vague and could be more specific about what is meant by "quantified." Additionally, the phrase "compromises with his conscience" is awkward and may confuse readers regarding its intended meaning.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "cannot be quantified," you could say "cannot be measured in monetary terms." For the phrase about conscience, consider rephrasing to something like "he felt conflicted about his role," which conveys the idea more clearly.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "fulfilment" (which is correct in British English but may be seen as less common in American English) and "therefore" (which is incorrectly separated into "so ,therefore"). Additionally, "tender his resignation letter" should be "tender his resignation."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is beneficial to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools or apps to catch errors. Additionally, practicing writing more frequently can help solidify correct spelling in memory.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "Despite the huge wage, the joy and contentment derived cannot be quantified" effectively convey nuanced ideas. However, there is a tendency to rely on simpler structures, particularly in the second half of the essay, where sentences like "Thus advantages of a fulfilled job far outweigh the big pay" could be more complex. The use of conditional structures is also limited.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of stating "the joy of saving the sight of my patients and the huge smile on their faces motivated me," you could say, "The joy of saving the sight of my patients, coupled with the huge smiles on their faces, not only motivated me but also inspired me to pursue further knowledge and skills." Additionally, practicing the use of conditional sentences (e.g., "If one prioritizes job satisfaction, they are likely to experience greater fulfillment") could add depth to your arguments.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical and punctuation errors that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "even though he was highly paid ." contains an unnecessary space before the period. Additionally, the sentence "So ,therefore, it’s very important to choose the kind of work that makes you happy than to look only at high earnings" has a misplaced comma and awkward phrasing ("than" should be "rather than"). These errors can confuse readers and undermine the essay’s professionalism.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread your work carefully. Pay attention to punctuation, especially the placement of commas and periods. Consider revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness, such as changing "So ,therefore, it’s very important" to "Therefore, it is crucial." Additionally, practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors can help reinforce correct usage. Reading more academic texts can also provide insights into proper sentence structure and punctuation.
By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is often argued that work with substantial compensation is of greater priority than the fulfillment it brings.
I strongly disagree with this opinion and believe that job satisfaction is significantly more crucial than a big wage.
First of all, I believe that being satisfied with one’s job provides a sense of fulfillment and pleasure, regardless of the salary being offered. Despite the substantial compensation, the joy and contentment derived are inestimable. For example, I recall a story about a senior manager in a multinational company who was dissatisfied with his role despite his high remuneration. He always felt tense and compromised his integrity, which ultimately led him to submit his resignation letter. Therefore, it is important to pursue a profession that is appealing rather than focusing solely on the high salary it promises.
Secondly, being passionate about one’s profession maintains motivation and encourages continuous opportunities for career and personal development. Furthermore, job satisfaction yields productivity and contentment that cannot be replicated by financial compensation. For instance, as an eye care professional, the joy of saving the sight of my patients and the significant smiles on their faces motivated me to gain more knowledge and skills, resulting in greater productivity far beyond what a high wage can provide. Thus, the advantages of a fulfilled job far outweigh the benefits of a big pay.
In conclusion, I strongly disagree that a big salary is more significant than job satisfaction because the contentment one’s profession provides makes people joyful and motivated. Therefore, it is very important to choose the type of work that brings happiness rather than to focus solely on high earnings.