CA2-IE2-GROUP 6
CA2-IE2-GROUP 6
Nowadays, with fast food being more widely available worldwide and urbanization increasing, obesity has emerged as a significant problem. In industrialized countries, the impact of this issue is far greater. In this essa, I will look at several solutions for this problem as well as its causes.
Childhood obesity can be caused by a wide range of circumstances. Initially, due to the unsuitable eating habits of kids. For instance, kids commonly consume fast food, soda, sweets, fried meals, and snacks. Furthermore, when their kids aren't hungry, some parents often give them extra food to eat while they watch TV or finish their homework. Second, children don't exercise because they understand that excess energy will be stored as fat and result in obesity if it isn't expended via exercise. Endocrine disorders such hypothyroidism, adrenal hyperfunction, and others are the most common causes of obesity, while there are many possible causes. Furthermore, hereditary factors may have an impact on obesity. Either our genetic predisposition to obesity or stress-related obesity may run in the family.
We must give individuals attainable options in order to lower the obesity rate. It takes time for kids to develop the habit of eating a broad diet. It is recommended that parents encourage their children to eat a diet rich in leafy green vegetables and low in fats and sweets. Parental encouragement is key in promoting regular physical activity for children, such as walking, cycling, swimming, soccer, and other sports that promote healthy height development. In addition, parents ought to let their kids sleep in early. Avoid watching TV or playing video games right before meals to help reduce childhood obesity. Thus, it is imperative that we never miss a meal, particularly in the morning. It is also healthy to consume fewer meals during the day and divide our daily calorie consumption into smaller meals. Furthermore, we shouldn't lie down or sit down right after eating. Lastly, in order to stop childhood obesity, the government ought to promote people's maintenance of a healthy weight.
In conclusion, being overweight or obese has a serious negative influence on one's health. Make sure your food and exercise routine are adequate for your weight by checking it every day. Maintain a stable weight to prevent obesity and the problems it brings about.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"fast food being more widely available" -> "the increased availability of fast food"
Explanation: "The increased availability of fast food" is a more formal and precise way to describe the widespread nature of fast food, enhancing the academic tone. -
"urbanization increasing" -> "urbanization is increasing"
Explanation: Adding "is" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal. -
"In this essa" -> "In this essay"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the proper spelling of "essay." -
"due to the unsuitable eating habits of kids" -> "due to the unsuitable eating habits of children"
Explanation: Replacing "kids" with "children" aligns with the formal tone and avoids colloquial language. -
"kids aren’t hungry" -> "children are not hungry"
Explanation: "Children are not hungry" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains a formal tone. -
"some parents often give them extra food" -> "some parents frequently provide additional food"
Explanation: "Frequently provide additional food" is more formal and precise than "often give them extra food." -
"they understand that excess energy will be stored as fat" -> "they comprehend that excess energy is stored as fat"
Explanation: "Comprehend" is more formal than "understand," and "is stored" corrects the verb tense to match the present context. -
"Endocrine disorders such hypothyroidism, adrenal hyperfunction, and others" -> "Endocrine disorders such as hypothyroidism, adrenal hyperfunction, and others"
Explanation: Adding "such as" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity. -
"hereditary factors may have an impact on obesity" -> "hereditary factors may influence obesity"
Explanation: "Influence" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "have an impact on" in this context. -
"We must give individuals attainable options" -> "It is essential to provide individuals with attainable options"
Explanation: "It is essential to provide" is more formal and precise than "We must give," aligning better with academic style. -
"It takes time for kids to develop the habit of eating a broad diet" -> "It takes time for children to develop the habit of consuming a diverse diet"
Explanation: "Consuming a diverse diet" is more precise and formal than "eating a broad diet." -
"Parental encouragement is key in promoting regular physical activity" -> "Parental encouragement is crucial in promoting regular physical activity"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more formal synonym for "key," enhancing the academic tone. -
"Avoid watching TV or playing video games right before meals" -> "Avoid watching television or playing video games immediately before meals"
Explanation: "Television" and "immediately" are more formal and precise than "TV" and "right before." -
"It is also healthy to consume fewer meals during the day" -> "It is also beneficial to consume fewer meals throughout the day"
Explanation: "Beneficial" and "throughout the day" are more formal and precise than "healthy" and "during the day." -
"we shouldn’t lie down or sit down right after eating" -> "it is advisable not to sit or lie down immediately after eating"
Explanation: "It is advisable not to" is a more formal expression than "we shouldn’t," and "immediately" is more precise than "right after." -
"the government ought to promote people’s maintenance of a healthy weight" -> "governments should promote individuals’ maintenance of a healthy weight"
Explanation: "Governments" is plural to encompass all levels of government, and "individuals" is more formal than "people."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the causes of childhood obesity and potential solutions. The introduction clearly outlines the intention to explore these aspects, which is a strength. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the prompt, as it does not clearly state the significance of addressing obesity in the context of urbanization and fast food availability. The discussion of causes is somewhat comprehensive, but the solutions section lacks depth and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the prompt is explicitly addressed. This could include discussing how urbanization and fast food culture specifically contribute to obesity and integrating examples or statistics to illustrate these points. Additionally, expanding on the solutions with more specific strategies and their potential effectiveness would provide a more rounded answer.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position on the importance of addressing childhood obesity, but the clarity of this position could be improved. While the writer advocates for solutions, the transitions between discussing causes and solutions could be smoother, which would reinforce the overall argument. The conclusion reiterates the importance of maintaining a healthy weight but does not strongly tie back to the initial discussion of causes and solutions.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should use more explicit language to connect the causes and solutions. For example, after discussing a cause, the writer could directly link it to a proposed solution. Additionally, reinforcing the thesis statement in the conclusion and summarizing the key points would help maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes of obesity and potential solutions. However, the support for these ideas is often limited. For instance, while the mention of genetic factors is relevant, it is not elaborated upon, leaving the reader wanting more information. Similarly, the solutions provided are somewhat generic and lack specific examples or evidence to support their effectiveness.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with examples, statistics, or expert opinions. For instance, when discussing the importance of parental encouragement, the writer could include studies that demonstrate the impact of parental involvement on children’s eating habits. This would not only extend the ideas but also provide a stronger foundation for the arguments made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on childhood obesity. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly unfocused, particularly in the solutions section, where some suggestions (like checking weight daily) seem tangential to the main argument about addressing obesity through dietary and lifestyle changes.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central theme of childhood obesity. Each solution should be clearly linked back to the causes discussed earlier, and any advice given should be relevant to the overarching topic. Creating a clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all content is pertinent to the main argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the problem of obesity and hints at the solutions to be discussed. The body paragraphs are organized around causes and solutions, which is logical. However, the transition between the causes and solutions could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing causes like poor eating habits to solutions such as parental encouragement feels abrupt. Each paragraph contains relevant information, but the overall flow could be enhanced by using clearer topic sentences and transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to indicate shifts in focus. For instance, after discussing causes, a sentence like "Having identified the causes, it is crucial to explore effective solutions" would help bridge the two sections. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, aiding the reader in following the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic, such as causes or solutions. However, the first body paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on dietary habits and the other on lack of exercise and hereditary factors. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each cause and improve clarity.
- How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability and focus. For example, the first body paragraph could be divided into two: one discussing poor dietary habits and the other addressing lack of exercise and genetic factors. This would allow for a more detailed examination of each point and help maintain the reader’s interest.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "initially," and "in addition," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "it is imperative that we never miss a meal" could be better linked to the previous discussion on healthy eating habits to reinforce the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "moreover," "consequently," or "as a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used clearly connects ideas. For instance, when introducing a new solution, you might say, "Another effective strategy is to ensure children do not skip meals, as this can lead to unhealthy eating patterns later." This not only improves cohesion but also strengthens the argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant information, there are opportunities to improve the logical organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be significantly enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing the causes and solutions related to obesity. Terms like "urbanization," "endocrine disorders," and "hereditary factors" show an attempt to use more advanced vocabulary. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of "kids" and "obesity," which limits the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "kids," alternatives like "children," "youth," or "youngsters" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "unhealthy dietary habits" instead of "unsuitable eating habits" could add depth to the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of vague or imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the most common causes of obesity" is somewhat misleading, as it implies a definitive list without specifying what those causes are. Additionally, the term "extra food" could be more precisely described as "unnecessary snacks" or "excessive portions."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify and specify terms. For instance, instead of saying "a wide range of circumstances," they could specify "dietary choices, lifestyle factors, and genetic predispositions." This would provide clearer insights into the discussion.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "essa" instead of "essay," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, "sweets" and "meals" are spelled correctly, but the inconsistency in spelling raises concerns about attention to detail.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of frequently used terms can aid in improving spelling skills.
Overall, while the essay shows a commendable effort in addressing the topic of obesity, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Childhood obesity can be caused by a wide range of circumstances" is a simple sentence that effectively introduces the topic. The use of complex structures, such as "when their kids aren’t hungry, some parents often give them extra food to eat while they watch TV or finish their homework," showcases the writer’s ability to convey more nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clause placements.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences. For instance, using conditional clauses (e.g., "If parents encourage healthy eating habits, children are more likely to develop a balanced diet") can add depth to the argument. Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using more transitional phrases can help create a more engaging flow.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, with most sentences being grammatically correct. However, there are notable errors, such as the misspelling of "essay" in the introduction ("essa") and some awkward phrasing, like "the most common causes of obesity, while there are many possible causes," which could be clearer. The punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread their work to catch typographical errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing common grammatical structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also help. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding comma usage, particularly in complex sentences, to improve clarity. For example, revising the sentence about hereditary factors to "Furthermore, hereditary factors, such as genetic predisposition and stress-related obesity, may impact obesity" would enhance clarity and correctness.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, with fast food being more widely available worldwide and urbanization increasing, obesity has emerged as a significant problem. In industrialized countries, the impact of this issue is far greater. In this essay, I will look at several solutions for this problem as well as its causes.
Childhood obesity can be caused by a wide range of circumstances. Initially, it is due to the unsuitable eating habits of children. For instance, kids commonly consume fast food, soda, sweets, fried meals, and snacks. Furthermore, when their children are not hungry, some parents frequently provide additional food to eat while they watch TV or finish their homework. Second, children do not exercise because they comprehend that excess energy will be stored as fat and result in obesity if it is not expended through exercise. Endocrine disorders such as hypothyroidism, adrenal hyperfunction, and others are among the most common causes of obesity, while there are many possible causes. Furthermore, hereditary factors may influence obesity. Either our genetic predisposition to obesity or stress-related obesity may run in the family.
We must provide individuals with attainable options in order to lower the obesity rate. It takes time for children to develop the habit of consuming a diverse diet. It is recommended that parents encourage their children to eat a diet rich in leafy green vegetables and low in fats and sweets. Parental encouragement is crucial in promoting regular physical activity for children, such as walking, cycling, swimming, soccer, and other sports that promote healthy height development. In addition, parents ought to let their kids sleep early. Avoid watching television or playing video games immediately before meals to help reduce childhood obesity. Thus, it is imperative that we never miss a meal, particularly in the morning. It is also beneficial to consume fewer meals throughout the day and divide our daily calorie consumption into smaller meals. Furthermore, it is advisable not to sit or lie down immediately after eating. Lastly, in order to stop childhood obesity, the government should promote individuals’ maintenance of a healthy weight.
In conclusion, being overweight or obese has a serious negative influence on one’s health. Make sure your food and exercise routine are adequate for your weight by checking it every day. Maintain a stable weight to prevent obesity and the problems it brings about.
