Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

It is true that children living in deprived homes are better prepared to address the issues of life compared to children living in prosperous families. While I agree that kids raised by middle-income family play an excellent role in solving the problem, I believe that kids of affluent parents are also capable of tackling challenges.
On the one hand, several reasons support the notion that kids who are natured in common family have numerous opportunities to overcome issues. To begin with, with the development of social inequality , poor individuals will less career advances and lack of chances to promote ladder career compared to wealthy individuals, so unprivileged children tend to make an effort to evoke personal wealth and get out of poverty. Secondly, they often face obstacles like insufficient background , financially disadvantaged and so on. That’s why children who brought up by average family have determination and demonstrate persistence.
On the other hand, I would argue that children of affluent backgrounds are likely to deal with the stress life. The first reason is they they have a terrific environment which is exclusive to the wealthy so it is easy for them to connect with specific education and build networking. Furthermore, when engaging to the prosperous environment, rich kids must become eager beavers to overcome peer pressure and demand their parent expectations. Lastly, they are supported by develop foundation that alleviate the financial concern and help them plain sailing
In conclusion, although the background of the family plays a main factor in dealing with the problem, I believe that there are a lots of factors contributing the success: their personalities , their attempts and the fact that children who born with a sliver spoon in their mouth have more advantages in terms of education and finance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"children living in deprived homes" -> "children residing in disadvantaged households"
Explanation: "Residing" is more formal and precise than "living," and "disadvantaged households" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "deprived homes."
"kids raised by middle-income family" -> "children raised by families of middle-income"
Explanation: "Children" is more formal than "kids," and "families of middle-income" is grammatically correct and more precise than "middle-income family."
"kids of affluent parents" -> "children of affluent parents"
Explanation: "Children" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "kids."
"natured in common family" -> "raised in common families"
Explanation: "Raised" is the correct verb for describing upbringing, and "common families" is grammatically correct and clearer than "common family."
"with the development of social inequality" -> "as social inequality develops"
Explanation: "As social inequality develops" is a more natural and formal way to express the ongoing process of inequality.
"less career advances" -> "fewer career opportunities"
Explanation: "Fewer" is the correct comparative form for countable nouns like "opportunities," and "career opportunities" is a more precise term than "career advances."
"lack of chances to promote ladder career" -> "limited opportunities for career advancement"
Explanation: "Limited opportunities for career advancement" is a more formal and precise phrase than "lack of chances to promote ladder career."
"unprivileged children tend to make an effort to evoke personal wealth" -> "disadvantaged children often strive to improve their financial situation"
Explanation: "Disadvantaged" is a more formal term than "unprivileged," and "strive to improve their financial situation" is clearer and more appropriate than "make an effort to evoke personal wealth."
"they often face obstacles like insufficient background" -> "they frequently encounter challenges such as limited resources"
Explanation: "Encounter challenges such as limited resources" is more specific and formal than "face obstacles like insufficient background."
"children who brought up by average family" -> "children raised by families of average income"
Explanation: "Raised by families of average income" is grammatically correct and more specific than "brought up by average family."
"they they have a terrific environment" -> "they have an excellent environment"
Explanation: Removing the repetition of "they" corrects the grammatical error and "excellent" is more formal than "terrific."
"exclusive to the wealthy" -> "exclusive to the affluent"
Explanation: "Affluent" is a more precise and formal term than "wealthy."
"develop foundation that alleviate the financial concern" -> "foundations that alleviate financial concerns"
Explanation: "Foundations" should be plural to match the context, and "financial concerns" is more formal and appropriate than "financial concern."
"help them plain sailing" -> "facilitate their progress"
Explanation: "Facilitate their progress" is a more formal and precise expression than "help them plain sailing," which is colloquial and vague.
"a lots of factors" -> "many factors"
Explanation: "Many" is the correct form for the plural of "much," and it is more formal than "a lots."
"children who born with a sliver spoon in their mouth" -> "children born with a silver spoon in their mouths"
Explanation: "Born" should be one word, and "spoon" should be "spoons" to agree with the plural subject "children."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on whether children from lower-income families are better prepared for adult life than those from wealthy families. The writer acknowledges the strengths of both sides, indicating a balanced approach. However, the argument could be clearer in terms of the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement. The phrase "I believe that kids of affluent parents are also capable of tackling challenges" suggests a partial agreement, but it lacks a strong, definitive stance.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. For example, they could clarify whether they agree more with one side than the other and provide a more nuanced argument that reflects this stance throughout the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position but wavers between agreeing and disagreeing. The introduction states an agreement with the notion that children from deprived homes are better prepared, yet the body paragraphs provide substantial arguments for both sides without a clear prioritization. This can confuse the reader about the writer’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: The writer should maintain a clear position by consistently linking back to their main argument in each paragraph. They could use phrases like "While I acknowledge the advantages of affluent backgrounds, I maintain that…" to reinforce their viewpoint. Additionally, a more decisive conclusion that summarizes their stance would help solidify their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of both backgrounds. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "determination and persistence" in children from lower-income families is a valid point but could be supported with examples or studies that illustrate these traits in action. Similarly, the argument about affluent children needing to deal with peer pressure is interesting but could be expanded with examples of how this pressure manifests and affects their development.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate their points. They could also elaborate on the implications of their arguments, discussing how these traits or environments impact adult life in practical terms.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing "networking" and "peer pressure" without clearly linking these back to the main argument about preparedness for adult life. The phrase "develop foundation that alleviate the financial concern" is vague and could be more directly tied to the topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. They could use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that clearly state how the content of that paragraph supports their overall argument. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and providing clear definitions or explanations would enhance clarity and relevance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from a clearer stance, more detailed support for ideas, and a tighter focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with two main perspectives: the advantages of being raised in a less affluent environment and the benefits of wealth. Each viewpoint is introduced in separate paragraphs, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the challenges faced by children from poorer backgrounds to the advantages of those from wealthy families feels abrupt. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" is effective, but the connections between ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the next can help create a more cohesive narrative. For example, after discussing the challenges faced by less affluent children, a transition like "Conversely, those from wealthier families face different challenges that also prepare them for adult life" could improve flow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer internal structure. For instance, the second paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more effectively organized into distinct sentences or sub-points.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples or explanations. Breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can also enhance clarity. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the determination of children from poorer backgrounds and another on the specific challenges they face.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "secondly," and "furthermore," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is repetitive or awkward, such as "the first reason is they they have a terrific environment" where the phrase could be more fluidly integrated into the sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," or "for instance." This would not only enhance the variety of language but also improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used correctly and appropriately will enhance clarity; for example, revising awkward phrases for smoother integration into the text will improve readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a balanced argument. By focusing on improving logical flow, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices, the writer can enhance coherence and cohesion further, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary, with terms like "deprived homes," "prosperous families," "social inequality," and "determination." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "children" and "families" throughout the essay. The phrases "evoke personal wealth" and "plain sailing" are somewhat awkward and do not fit well within the context.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," alternatives like "youth," "youngsters," or "offspring" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to the themes of wealth and resilience could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For example, "natured in common family" is unclear and should be rephrased to "raised in average families." The phrase "terrific environment which is exclusive to the wealthy" could be more accurately described as "privileged environment." Moreover, "develop foundation" is vague and should be specified, such as "strong support systems" or "educational foundations."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. It is beneficial to review vocabulary in context and ensure that the selected words convey the intended meaning. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more suitable words, but it is crucial to ensure they fit the context correctly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "unprivileged" (should be "underprivileged"), "advances" (should be "advancement"), "eager beavers" (though colloquial, it may not fit the formal tone), and "a lots of factors" (should be "a lot of factors"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help identify spelling mistakes, as can using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and structure, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences such as "It is true that children living in deprived homes are better prepared to address the issues of life" and "On the one hand, several reasons support the notion that kids who are natured in common family have numerous opportunities to overcome issues" are prevalent. While there are some attempts at complex structures, such as "the background of the family plays a main factor in dealing with the problem," the overall variety is insufficient. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "kids who are natured in common family," which detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of relying heavily on simple sentences, the writer could combine ideas using conjunctions (e.g., "Although children from affluent families have access to better resources, those from less wealthy backgrounds often develop resilience through adversity"). Practicing the use of relative clauses and varied sentence openings can also enhance the overall complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "poor individuals will less career advances" should be corrected to "poor individuals have fewer career advancement opportunities." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before the comma in "with the development of social inequality , poor individuals." The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "kids raised by middle-income family" which should be "middle-income families." Furthermore, the phrase "they they have a terrific environment" is a typographical error that needs correction.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and the correct formation of comparative structures. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading for common errors can be beneficial. Additionally, using punctuation correctly, such as ensuring commas are placed appropriately and avoiding run-on sentences, will improve the clarity of the writing. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize proper grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies significantly impact the overall effectiveness of the writing. Focusing on diversifying sentence types and improving grammatical precision will help the writer achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that children living in deprived homes are better prepared to address the issues of life compared to children raised by affluent parents. While I agree that kids raised by middle-income families play an excellent role in solving problems, I believe that children of wealthy parents are also capable of tackling challenges.

On the one hand, several reasons support the notion that kids who are raised in common families have numerous opportunities to overcome issues. To begin with, with the development of social inequality, poor individuals have fewer career opportunities and lack chances for career advancement compared to wealthy individuals. As a result, disadvantaged children often strive to improve their financial situation and escape poverty. Secondly, they frequently encounter challenges such as limited resources and financial disadvantages. That’s why children raised by families of average income demonstrate determination and persistence.

On the other hand, I would argue that children from affluent backgrounds are likely to deal with the stresses of life effectively. The first reason is that they have an excellent environment which is exclusive to the wealthy, making it easier for them to access specific education and build networks. Furthermore, when engaging in a prosperous environment, rich kids must become eager beavers to overcome peer pressure and meet their parents’ expectations. Lastly, they are supported by foundations that alleviate financial concerns and help them navigate their paths smoothly.

In conclusion, although the background of the family plays a major role in dealing with challenges, I believe that there are many factors contributing to success: their personalities, their efforts, and the fact that children born with a silver spoon in their mouths have more advantages in terms of education and finances.