Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are many controversy about the children who was bring up by difficult family have the capacity to dealing with problems then they grow up than the children living in a rich family when they was small. In my opinion , I partly agree with this but there are more aspects we need to see.
Firstly , the children living in poor families will know how to manage money properly . This is because they have faced money shortages when they were small . Additionally they will have better will and stature when facing a hard problem. This is a good advantage to the children .
Secondly the children living in a rich family can have a good look when looking at a problem. These children was teached carefully when small and they have better knowledge so when looking at problem they can see through various aspects so that they can have various solutions to these problem.
In conclusion , there are many things that affect to our children but the family is one of the most things in this so i partly agree with this thesis but there will be many issue we need to care about children

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are many controversy about" -> "There is considerable controversy regarding"
Explanation: "Controversy" is a singular noun and should be preceded by "there is" instead of "there are." Additionally, "regarding" is more formal and precise than "about" in academic writing.
"the children who was bring up by difficult family" -> "children raised by difficult families"
Explanation: "Who was bring up" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Raised" is the correct verb form, and "difficult families" should be plural to match the plural subject "children."
"have the capacity to dealing with problems" -> "are capable of dealing with problems"
Explanation: "Have the capacity to" is a bit verbose and awkward. "Are capable of" is more direct and formal.
"then they grow up" -> "as they grow older"
Explanation: "Then they grow up" is informal and lacks precision. "As they grow older" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"living in a rich family" -> "from affluent families"
Explanation: "Living in a rich family" is informal and imprecise. "From affluent families" is more formal and specific.
"when they was small" -> "when they were young"
Explanation: "Was" is the singular form and is incorrect here. "Were" is the correct form for the plural subject "they."
"will know how to manage money properly" -> "will learn to manage their finances effectively"
Explanation: "Manage money properly" is too simplistic and informal. "Manage their finances effectively" is more precise and formal.
"money shortages" -> "financial constraints"
Explanation: "Money shortages" is informal and vague. "Financial constraints" is a more precise and formal term.
"will have better will and stature" -> "will develop greater resilience and determination"
Explanation: "Better will and stature" is unclear and informal. "Greater resilience and determination" are more specific and academically appropriate terms.
"a good look when looking at a problem" -> "a clear perspective when addressing challenges"
Explanation: "A good look when looking at a problem" is awkward and unclear. "A clear perspective when addressing challenges" is more formal and precise.
"These children was teached carefully" -> "These children were taught carefully"
Explanation: "Was" is the singular form and is incorrect here. "Were" is the correct form for the plural subject "children."
"they have better knowledge so when looking at problem" -> "they possess a broader knowledge base, enabling them to analyze problems more effectively"
Explanation: "They have better knowledge so when looking at problem" is grammatically incorrect and informal. The suggested revision clarifies and formalizes the statement.
"there are many things that affect to our children" -> "there are numerous factors that impact our children"
Explanation: "Affect to" is grammatically incorrect. "Impact" is the correct verb form, and "numerous factors" is more formal than "many things."
"the family is one of the most things in this" -> "family is one of the most significant factors in this"
Explanation: "The family is one of the most things in this" is grammatically incorrect and vague. "One of the most significant factors" is grammatically correct and more precise.
"there will be many issue we need to care about children" -> "there are numerous issues we must address regarding children"
Explanation: "There will be many issue we need to care about children" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "There are numerous issues we must address regarding children" is grammatically correct and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the advantages of both children from poor families and those from wealthy families. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "I partly agree with this" is vague and does not clarify the author’s stance. Furthermore, the essay does not explicitly state the reasons for this partial agreement or disagreement, which is crucial for a comprehensive response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their position in the introduction and conclusion. They should also provide specific reasons for their stance, supported by examples or evidence. For instance, they could discuss how resilience developed in low-income families might be beneficial in adulthood, while also acknowledging the advantages of wealth in providing opportunities.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. While the author states a partial agreement, the reasoning is not consistently developed throughout the essay. The transition from discussing children from poor families to those from wealthy families lacks coherence, making it difficult for the reader to follow the author’s argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use topic sentences to introduce each paragraph that directly relate back to their overall stance. Additionally, they should ensure that each point made in the body paragraphs supports their thesis statement. A more structured approach, such as clearly delineating the benefits of both sides before concluding with a personal stance, would help clarify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the ability of children from poor families to manage money and the advantages of education for wealthy children. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient detail. For example, the statement about children from poor families having "better will and stature" is vague and lacks explanation or examples to illustrate this point.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with specific examples or anecdotes. For instance, they could provide a scenario illustrating how a child from a poor background learned to budget effectively, or how a wealthy child might have access to resources that enhance their problem-solving skills. This would not only clarify the points being made but also engage the reader more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the upbringing of children in both poor and wealthy families. However, some sentences contain grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, phrases like "there are many controversy" and "teached carefully" are grammatically incorrect and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should proofread their work for grammatical accuracy and coherence. Additionally, they should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the argument being made. Using clear and concise language will help keep the essay on topic and make the argument more persuasive.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on clearly articulating their position, developing ideas with specific examples, and ensuring grammatical accuracy and coherence throughout the text.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is hindered by unclear connections between ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing the advantages of children from poor families to the strengths of those from wealthy families lacks a smooth progression. The phrase "this is a good advantage to the children" is vague and does not clearly tie back to the argument being made.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that directly relates to the thesis. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the focus. Additionally, linking phrases such as "on the other hand" or "in contrast" can improve the flow between contrasting ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The second and third paragraphs attempt to address different perspectives but lack clear separation and development of ideas. The conclusion is also weak, as it does not effectively summarize the main arguments or reinforce the writer’s position.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single idea and develop it fully. The writer should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the advantages of children from poor families and another on the advantages of those from wealthy families. This would help clarify the argument and improve readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence. Phrases like "firstly" and "secondly" are used, but there is a lack of variety and sophistication in the transitions. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the children living in poor families will know how to manage money properly," which could be more fluidly expressed.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," "in addition," and "consequently." This will help to create clearer connections between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, revising sentence structures for clarity and conciseness will enhance cohesion.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument, it requires significant improvement in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focusing on clear topic sentences, logical transitions, and varied cohesive devices will greatly enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. For instance, phrases like "money shortages" and "better knowledge" show an effort to articulate ideas clearly. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. Words such as "children," "family," and "problems" are used frequently without variation, which limits the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children," alternatives like "youth," "youngsters," or "offspring" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "financial constraints" instead of "money shortages" would elevate the lexical quality of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the children who was bring up" is grammatically incorrect and should be "the children who were brought up." Similarly, "capacity to dealing with problems" should be "capacity to deal with problems." These inaccuracies can confuse the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on ensuring grammatical accuracy and using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. It is advisable to proofread the essay for grammatical errors and consider using simpler structures if unsure about complex phrases. Additionally, practicing with vocabulary exercises that emphasize correct collocations and usage can be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "controversy" (should be "controversies"), "teached" (should be "taught"), and "issue" (should be "issues"). These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can negatively impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Finally, it is crucial to allocate time for proofreading to catch and correct spelling mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, the use of simple sentences predominates, such as "This is because they have faced money shortages when they were small." There are attempts at complex sentences, but they are often flawed, as seen in "the children who was bring up by difficult family have the capacity to dealing with problems." This sentence contains multiple errors and lacks clarity, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument. The essay also tends to repeat certain structures, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of starting sentences with the subject ("the children"), they could begin with adverbial phrases or clauses, such as "Despite their financial struggles, children from poor families often develop resilience." Additionally, incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If children from wealthy families are sheltered from hardship, they may struggle to cope with challenges later in life.") could add depth and complexity to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that hinder clarity and coherence. For example, "who was bring up" should be "who were brought up," and "the capacity to dealing with problems" should be "the capacity to deal with problems." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the children living in a rich family can have a good look when looking at a problem," where "family" should be pluralized to "families." Punctuation errors, such as unnecessary spaces before commas and inconsistent use of commas, further detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and errors. Additionally, practicing writing sentences with correct grammar and punctuation in isolation can build confidence. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also provide valuable insights into common mistakes and areas for improvement.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument, it suffers from limited grammatical range and numerous errors in accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can significantly enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is considerable controversy regarding whether children who grow up in families that are short of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. In my opinion, I partly agree with this, but there are more aspects we need to consider.

Firstly, children living in poor families will learn to manage their money effectively. This is because they have faced financial constraints when they were young. Additionally, they will develop greater resilience and determination when facing hard problems. This is a significant advantage for these children.

Secondly, children from affluent families can have a clearer perspective when addressing a problem. These children were taught carefully when they were small, and they possess a broader knowledge base, enabling them to analyze problems more effectively. As a result, they can see various aspects of a problem and come up with multiple solutions.

In conclusion, there are numerous factors that impact our children, but family is one of the most significant factors in this. Therefore, I partly agree with this thesis, but there are numerous issues we must address regarding children.