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Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today. How does this competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative quality?

Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today. How does this competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative quality?

In the contemporary world, there is a belief that competitiveness has become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon. While this trend is disadvantageous in a few aspects, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its benefits significantly outweight the shortcomings.

It is obviously seen that some evident downsides arise from competitive characteristics concerning mental health and the bond of social relationships. First of all, excessive competitiveness often leads to heightened stress and anxiety, as individuals constantly compare themselves to others, resulting in compromised mental well-being. For instance, a study conducted by Ton Duc Thang University revealed that individuals engaging in cutthroat competition exhibited significantly higher levels of stress-related ailments, affecting their overall mental health. Furthermore, intense competition in workplaces often fosters hostility among colleagues, hindering collaboration and fostering a toxic environment.

Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth. To begin with, competitive people always strive to be better than other people and they usually persevere and stay extensive focus on their tasks. For instance, in educational settings, competition among students stimulates a drive for continuous improvement and non-stop hard study, leading to enhanced learning outcomes. In addition, many competitive people are often competing against themselves and always putting themselves in a state of persistence and commitment to achieve their goals.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantageous sides of competitiveness, the benefits of this personality far surpass the limitations. Nonetheless, the competition should be within reasonable levels and bring positivity to people.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there is a belief that competitiveness has become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon" -> "there is a consensus that competitiveness has become a widespread and publicly acknowledged phenomenon"
    Explanation: Replacing "belief" with "consensus" and "prevalent" with "widespread" enhances the formality of the statement, emphasizing that this perspective is widely accepted rather than just a belief.

  2. "outweight" -> "outweigh"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error in "outweight" to "outweigh" ensures accuracy in conveying the idea that the benefits surpass the drawbacks.

  3. "It is obviously seen that" -> "It is evident that"
    Explanation: Replacing "obviously seen" with "evident" maintains clarity while eliminating unnecessary informality, aligning with the principles of academic style.

  4. "First of all" -> "Primarily"
    Explanation: Substituting "First of all" with "Primarily" contributes to a more formal and organized transition, suitable for academic writing.

  5. "excessive competitiveness" -> "intense competition"
    Explanation: Changing "excessive competitiveness" to "intense competition" provides a more precise and formal description, avoiding the use of the informal term "excessive."

  6. "heightened stress" -> "elevated stress"
    Explanation: Replacing "heightened" with "elevated" maintains formality and offers a more sophisticated term to describe increased stress levels.

  7. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: Substituting "For instance" with "For example" is a more formal choice in academic writing.

  8. "exhibited significantly higher levels" -> "demonstrated significantly elevated levels"
    Explanation: Replacing "exhibited" with "demonstrated" and "higher levels" with "elevated levels" contributes to a more formal and precise expression of the study’s findings.

  9. "fosters hostility" -> "cultivates hostility"
    Explanation: Changing "fosters" to "cultivates" elevates the language and maintains a formal tone in describing the impact of competition on workplace relationships.

  10. "strive to be better" -> "strive for excellence"
    Explanation: Substituting "strive to be better" with "strive for excellence" introduces a more formal and aspirational tone, aligning with academic language expectations.

  11. "persevere and stay extensive focus" -> "persevere and maintain an extensive focus"
    Explanation: Adding "an" before "extensive focus" improves grammatical correctness, ensuring a smoother flow in the sentence.

  12. "non-stop hard study" -> "continuous rigorous study"
    Explanation: Replacing "non-stop hard study" with "continuous rigorous study" offers a more formal and precise description of the effort put into academic pursuits.

  13. "bringing positivity to people" -> "fostering a positive impact on individuals"
    Explanation: Changing "bringing positivity to people" to "fostering a positive impact on individuals" enhances formality and clarity, aligning with academic language expectations.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In the contemporary world, there is a belief that competitiveness has become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon. While this trend is disadvantageous in a few aspects, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its benefits significantly outweight the shortcomings."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively introduces the topic but lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on whether competitiveness is a positive or negative quality. It is crucial to explicitly state the stance to guide the reader. For instance, you could say, "In the contemporary world, there is a growing belief that competitiveness is a prevailing and publicly recognized phenomenon. Despite its drawbacks, I firmly contend that the benefits outweigh the shortcomings, making it a predominantly positive quality."
    • Improved example: "In the contemporary world, there is a growing belief that competitiveness is a prevailing and publicly recognized phenomenon. Despite its drawbacks, I firmly contend that the benefits outweigh the shortcomings, making it a predominantly positive quality. This essay will delve into the advantages and disadvantages of competitiveness in individuals’ lives."
  2. Quoted text: "Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer takes a clear stance in favor of competitiveness, but the supporting ideas lack depth and development. To improve, consider providing specific examples of how competitiveness fosters personal growth, drawing on personal experiences or observations. For instance, you could share a personal story or offer examples of successful individuals who attribute their achievements to a competitive mindset.
    • Improved example: "Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth. For instance, my own experience in a competitive work environment pushed me to enhance my skills and strive for excellence. Additionally, notable figures like [mention a successful person] attribute their achievements to a competitive mindset, emphasizing its positive impact on personal development."
  3. Quoted text: "In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantageous sides of competitiveness, the benefits of this personality far surpass the limitations. Nonetheless, the competition should be within reasonable levels and bring positivity to people."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion is concise but lacks a strong call to action or a thought-provoking insight. Enhance the conclusion by suggesting practical ways to maintain healthy competitiveness, perhaps by emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and setting realistic goals. This will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantageous sides of competitiveness, the benefits of this personality far surpass the limitations. Nonetheless, it is imperative that individuals cultivate self-awareness and set realistic goals to ensure that competition remains within reasonable levels, contributing positively to personal and societal growth."

Overall, the essay addresses the task and maintains a clear position throughout, but improvement is needed in explicitly stating the writer’s stance, developing supporting ideas, and strengthening the conclusion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents a coherent structure with a clear progression of ideas. It starts with an introduction that outlines the discussion, follows a logical sequence by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of competitiveness, and concludes with a concise summary. There’s a reasonable organization of information and ideas, showcasing an attempt at paragraphing. Cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be refined for smoother transitions. The central topic in each paragraph is reasonably clear.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the use of transitional phrases or words for smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure a consistent and logical flow throughout the essay by paying attention to the sequence of ideas. Additionally, reinforce paragraphing by making sure each paragraph presents a clear, distinct topic and logically follows the preceding one.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is evidence of the use of less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay also avoids major errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, contributing to effective communication.

The writer successfully employs a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of competitiveness, mental health, social relationships, and personal growth. Some uncommon lexical items are used, such as "cutthroat competition," "non-stop hard study," and "heightened stress." The writer also shows awareness of collocation, using phrases like "competitive characteristics," "mental well-being," and "toxic environment."

While there are occasional minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "outweight" instead of "outweigh" and "stay extensive focus" which could be improved to "maintain extensive focus," these errors do not significantly impede the overall clarity of the message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, the writer could aim for more variety in less common lexical items and refine the use of idiomatic expressions. Additionally, careful proofreading is advised to eliminate minor errors in spelling and word choice for more polished writing. Consider replacing repetitive phrases like "competitive people" with synonyms or using pronouns to avoid redundancy. Overall, a continued focus on precision and accuracy will contribute to an even more sophisticated use of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to a band score of 7. There is a good control of grammar and punctuation, with frequent error-free sentences. The essay effectively discusses both the positive and negative aspects of competitiveness, showcasing a range of vocabulary and grammatical structures.

How to improve: To elevate the score to a Band 8, consider incorporating a more extensive range of vocabulary and ensuring that complex structures are used with full flexibility and accuracy. While the essay is well-organized and coherent, enhancing the sophistication of language and minimizing occasional errors would further strengthen the grammatical range and accuracy. Additionally, maintaining this level of proficiency throughout the essay will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, competitiveness is widely recognized as a prevailing trait. Although this trend has some drawbacks, the advantages are more significant.

It is evident that being overly competitive can have adverse effects on mental health and social relationships. Excessive competitiveness often leads to increased stress and anxiety as individuals constantly compare themselves to others, impacting their mental well-being. For example, a study by Ton Duc Thang University found that individuals engaged in cutthroat competition exhibited significantly higher levels of stress-related ailments. Moreover, intense competition in workplaces can foster hostility among colleagues, hindering collaboration and creating a toxic environment.

However, the merits associated with competitiveness far outweigh the drawbacks, especially in terms of personal growth. Competitive individuals strive to outperform others, demonstrating perseverance and extensive focus on their tasks. For instance, in educational settings, competition among students stimulates a drive for continuous improvement and non-stop hard study, leading to enhanced learning outcomes. Additionally, competitive individuals often compete against themselves, maintaining a state of persistence and commitment to achieve their goals.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantages of competitiveness, the benefits of this trait far surpass the limitations. Nevertheless, competition should be within reasonable levels and contribute positively to people’s lives.

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