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Describe a job that you would like to have in the future

Describe a job that you would like to have in the future

I have been curious and interested in electronic devices since I was a child. And now, the more I studied about it, the more I want to be an R&D electronic engineer who researches and develops hardware parts in smartphones, laptops, electric vehicles, radar systems, drones, and rockets in the military. Especially, I'm studying about electric vehicles at my university. So, this is a good skills foundation to meet the requirements of this job. In addition, electric vehicle has been strongly invested and developed in Vietnam by big companies as Vinfast, Viettel, … Therefore, I'll have many great opportunities to get this job. In short, I think I'm very suitable for R&D engineering based on my skills, knowledge and job opportunities in Vietnam.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "I have been curious and interested" -> "I have been fascinated and intrigued"
    Explanation: The phrase "fascinated and intrigued" conveys a stronger sense of ongoing engagement and intellectual curiosity, which is more suitable for an academic context than the more casual "curious and interested."

  2. "the more I studied about it" -> "the more I learn about it"
    Explanation: "Learn" is a more formal and academic term than "studied," which is often used in a more casual context. Additionally, "learn" is more appropriate for ongoing processes.

  3. "who researches and develops" -> "who researches and develops"
    Explanation: The verb "researches" should be in the present tense to match the ongoing nature of the action, and "develops" should be plural to align with the plural subject "hardware parts."

  4. "hardware parts in smartphones, laptops, electric vehicles, radar systems, drones, and rockets" -> "hardware components in smartphones, laptops, electric vehicles, radar systems, drones, and rockets"
    Explanation: "Components" is a more precise term than "parts" in the context of engineering and technology, enhancing the academic tone.

  5. "especially, I’m studying about electric vehicles" -> "specifically, I am currently studying electric vehicles"
    Explanation: "Specifically" is more formal than "especially," and "I am currently studying" corrects the informal contraction "I’m" to "I am" for formal writing.

  6. "So, this is a good skills foundation" -> "This provides a solid foundation for my skills"
    Explanation: "Provides a solid foundation for my skills" is more grammatically correct and formal, improving clarity and precision.

  7. "electric vehicle has been strongly invested and developed" -> "electric vehicles have been heavily invested in and developed"
    Explanation: "Electric vehicles" should be plural to match the plural subject, and "heavily invested in" is more precise and formal than "strongly invested and developed."

  8. "by big companies as Vinfast, Viettel,…" -> "by major companies such as Vinfast, Viettel,…"
    Explanation: "Major companies" is more specific and formal than "big companies," and "such as" is more appropriate than "as" in this context.

  9. "I’ll have many great opportunities" -> "I will have numerous opportunities"
    Explanation: "I will have" is more formal than "I’ll have," and "numerous" is a more precise and formal adjective than "many great."

  10. "I think I’m very suitable" -> "I believe I am highly suitable"
    Explanation: "I believe" is more formal than "I think," and "highly suitable" is more precise and formal than "very suitable."

  11. "based on my skills, knowledge and job opportunities" -> "based on my skills, knowledge, and job opportunities"
    Explanation: Adding a comma after "knowledge" corrects the punctuation, enhancing readability and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by describing a specific job the writer aspires to have—an R&D electronic engineer. However, it lacks depth in exploring the reasons for this choice and the specific aspects of the job that appeal to the writer. The mention of studying electric vehicles and the opportunities in Vietnam is relevant but does not fully elaborate on what the job entails or why it is desirable beyond the opportunities available.
    • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should include more details about the responsibilities and challenges of being an R&D electronic engineer. Discussing personal motivations, such as a passion for innovation or technology, and how this job aligns with long-term career goals would provide a more comprehensive response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position regarding the writer’s desire to become an R&D electronic engineer. However, the position could be more effectively communicated throughout the essay. The transition from discussing personal interest to career opportunities feels abrupt, which may confuse the reader about the main focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. For example, explicitly linking personal interest in electronic devices to the desire to work in R&D would strengthen the narrative. Additionally, reiterating the main point in the conclusion would reinforce the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea of wanting to be an R&D engineer but lacks sufficient development and support. While the writer mentions studying electric vehicles and job opportunities in Vietnam, these points are not elaborated upon. There is little evidence or examples to support the claims made, which weakens the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should expand on each point made. For instance, discussing specific projects or experiences related to electronic devices, or providing examples of how the writer’s skills align with the job requirements, would enhance the essay. Including statistics or quotes from industry leaders about the importance of R&D in technology could also add credibility.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the desired job. However, the discussion occasionally veers into general statements about the job market in Vietnam without tying them back to the writer’s personal aspirations. This can dilute the focus on the job itself.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main topic of the desired job. Avoiding tangential comments about the job market and instead linking opportunities back to personal qualifications and aspirations would help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear interest in a specific career, it requires more depth, clarity, and support to achieve a higher band score. Expanding on ideas, providing specific examples, and ensuring a cohesive structure will significantly enhance the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear progression of ideas, beginning with the author’s interest in electronic devices and leading to the desired job of an R&D electronic engineer. The logical flow is maintained as the author connects their academic background to the job requirements and opportunities in Vietnam. However, the transition between sentences could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing personal interest to the job market could benefit from a more explicit linking statement.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after stating your interest in electronic devices, you could add, "This passion has naturally led me to pursue a career in R&D engineering." Additionally, structuring the essay into clear sections (introduction, body, conclusion) can help reinforce the logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks distinct paragraphs, which can hinder readability and the clear presentation of ideas. Currently, all thoughts are presented in a single block, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Each main idea (interest in electronics, educational background, job opportunities) should ideally be separated into its own paragraph.
    • How to improve: Implement a paragraph structure where each paragraph focuses on a single idea. For instance, start with one paragraph detailing your interest in electronics, followed by another discussing your educational background, and a third on job opportunities in Vietnam. This will not only improve clarity but also enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "in addition" and "therefore," which help link ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the repetition of certain phrases can make the writing feel monotonous. For example, the phrase "electric vehicle" is used multiple times without variation.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or related phrases (e.g., "electric cars," "EVs") to avoid repetition. Additionally, incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as "furthermore," "consequently," and "for instance" to create smoother transitions between ideas. This will enhance the overall flow and make the writing more engaging.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion with a band score of 8, improvements can be made in organizing information into distinct paragraphs, enhancing logical flow with transitional phrases, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will strengthen the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the field of electronic engineering, such as "R&D electronic engineer," "hardware parts," and "electric vehicles." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "I have been curious and interested" could be expressed more succinctly or varied with synonyms like "fascinated" or "intrigued." Additionally, the use of "big companies" is vague and could be replaced with more specific terms like "leading corporations" or "major industry players."
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating "electric vehicles," they could use "EVs" or "electric mobility solutions." Engaging with more technical vocabulary relevant to the field of R&D could also strengthen the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the more I studied about it" could be more accurately stated as "the more I learned about it." Additionally, "strongly invested and developed" could be simplified to "heavily invested in" or "actively developed." The phrase "great opportunities" is also somewhat vague; specifying the nature of these opportunities would enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that clearly conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and specificity. For example, instead of "I’ll have many great opportunities," they could say, "I anticipate numerous career prospects in this burgeoning field."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no major spelling errors. However, there is a minor inconsistency with the term "electric vehicle," which should be pluralized as "electric vehicles" in the context of discussing the industry. Additionally, the name "Vinfast" should be capitalized as "VinFast" to reflect the correct branding.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying attention to proper nouns and industry-specific terminology. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing software can also help catch minor errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and a fair command of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in the range, precision, and spelling accuracy of the language used. By expanding vocabulary, enhancing precision, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "I have been curious and interested in electronic devices since I was a child" effectively combines a present perfect continuous structure with a time clause. However, there are instances where sentence variety could be improved. For example, the sentence "Especially, I’m studying about electric vehicles at my university" is somewhat simplistic and could be expanded for greater complexity.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or relative clauses. For example, instead of saying "I’m studying about electric vehicles at my university," you could say, "Currently, I am studying electric vehicles at my university, which provides me with a solid foundation for my future career." This not only adds complexity but also enhances the flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For instance, "electric vehicle has been strongly invested and developed in Vietnam by big companies as Vinfast, Viettel, …" should be corrected to "electric vehicles have been strongly invested in and developed by major companies such as VinFast and Viettel." This correction addresses both subject-verb agreement and proper use of prepositions. Additionally, the ellipsis at the end of the sentence is unnecessary and could be replaced with a period for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common errors can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, such as the misuse of ellipses and the need for commas, can help improve overall clarity and professionalism in writing.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

I have been fascinated and intrigued by electronic devices since I was a child. Now, the more I learn about it, the more I aspire to become an R&D electronic engineer who researches and develops hardware components in smartphones, laptops, electric vehicles, radar systems, drones, and rockets. Specifically, I am currently studying electric vehicles at my university, which provides a solid foundation for my skills to meet the requirements of this job.

In addition, electric vehicles have been heavily invested in and developed in Vietnam by major companies such as Vinfast and Viettel. Therefore, I will have numerous opportunities to pursue this career. In short, I believe I am highly suitable for R&D engineering based on my skills, knowledge, and the job opportunities available in Vietnam.

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