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Describe a person who has kind-hearted

Describe a person who has kind-hearted

I often volunteer at social organizations that give me the opportunity to interact with many people, one of the most people who impressed me is. I first met her at the orphanage where she was volunteering her time to help children being unwhipped. Mrs Hoa is a role model of woman with a kind face, gentle and considerate. When talking with her, she makes me feel heard and we spent a lot of time talking about life and experience. I think Mrs Hoa is a kind-hearted person even though she has gone through many difficulties in life, she still chooses to love and help people


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "one of the most people who impressed me is" -> "one of the individuals who impressed me the most is"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. Replacing it with "one of the individuals who impressed me the most is" improves precision and maintains a formal tone.

  2. "help children being unwhipped" -> "assist children who have faced adversity"
    Explanation: "Being unwhipped" is an unconventional and unclear expression. Replacing it with "assist children who have faced adversity" provides a more precise and formal description of Mrs. Hoa’s volunteer work.

  3. "a role model of woman" -> "an exemplary woman"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. Replacing it with "an exemplary woman" enhances the formality and clarity of the description.

  4. "she makes me feel heard" -> "she makes me feel understood"
    Explanation: While the original phrase is not necessarily incorrect, replacing "heard" with "understood" maintains a more formal and nuanced expression.

  5. "we spent a lot of time talking about life and experience" -> "we engaged in extensive discussions about life and shared experiences"
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal. Replacing it with "we engaged in extensive discussions about life and shared experiences" conveys a more formal and detailed account of their conversations.

  6. "she is a kind-hearted person even though she has gone through many difficulties in life" -> "despite facing numerous challenges in life, she remains a compassionate individual"
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains formality while offering a more precise and sophisticated description of Mrs. Hoa’s character and resilience.

  7. "she still chooses to love and help people" -> "she continues to demonstrate love and extend assistance to others"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal. The suggested change maintains formality while expressing Mrs. Hoa’s ongoing commitment to helping others in a more sophisticated manner.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by describing Mrs. Hoa, a kind-hearted person encountered at an orphanage. However, the response is concise, falling short of a more comprehensive exploration of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness and its impact.
    • How to improve: To enhance Task Response, provide a more in-depth exploration of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness. Elaborate on specific instances or examples that highlight her kind-hearted nature. This will add depth and fulfill the requirement to a greater extent.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance by portraying Mrs. Hoa as a kind-hearted person. The writer expresses admiration for Mrs. Hoa’s qualities and acknowledges her difficulties in life while maintaining a positive perspective.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, consider explicitly stating the positive impact of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness on the writer or others. This will reinforce the essay’s overall stance and provide a more impactful narrative.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay introduces Mrs. Hoa and briefly describes her kind-hearted nature. However, the essay lacks in-depth development and support. It would benefit from specific examples or anecdotes illustrating Mrs. Hoa’s kindness.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, extend the discussion by incorporating detailed examples of Mrs. Hoa’s acts of kindness. This will not only make the essay more engaging but also provide concrete evidence supporting the assertion of her kind-heartedness.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally adheres to the topic of describing a kind-hearted person. However, it could benefit from a more focused exploration of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness, avoiding slight deviations and maintaining a tighter connection to the central theme.
    • How to improve: To stay more closely on topic, ensure that each detail or anecdote provided directly contributes to the overall portrayal of Mrs. Hoa’s kind-hearted nature. Avoid tangential information that may distract from the main theme.

In summary, while the essay effectively conveys Mrs. Hoa’s kind-heartedness, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, explicitness, and focus. Strengthening these aspects will elevate the essay, ensuring a more comprehensive and impactful response to the given prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction introduces the individual, Mrs. Hoa, and the setting where she was encountered. The body of the essay describes her characteristics and the interaction with the author. However, the lack of a clear conclusion slightly affects the overall logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider adding a concise conclusion that summarizes the key points and reinforces the idea of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness. This will provide a smoother transition between the body and conclusion, ensuring a more coherent essay structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as there is only one long paragraph without clear divisions. This affects the readability and structure of the essay, making it challenging for the reader to follow the ideas seamlessly.
    • How to improve: Divide the essay into distinct paragraphs to improve its structure and readability. Consider starting a new paragraph when transitioning between different aspects of Mrs. Hoa’s kindness, such as her volunteer work, personal characteristics, and the impact on the author. This will create a more organized and reader-friendly layout.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses limited cohesive devices, resulting in a somewhat disjointed flow. While there is some coherence through the chronological presentation of events, the essay could benefit from a more diverse range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and sentences.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices such as transitional words (e.g., furthermore, however, therefore), pronouns, and synonyms to establish better connections between sentences and ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more cohesive essay, enhancing the overall coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in vocabulary, with frequent repetition of basic terms such as "kind-hearted," "volunteer," and "help." There is a need for more diverse and sophisticated language to demonstrate a broader lexical range.
    • How to improve: Introduce synonyms and varied expressions to convey the same ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "kind-hearted," consider alternatives such as compassionate, benevolent, or altruistic. Additionally, incorporate more specialized vocabulary related to volunteering and social work to enrich the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is imprecise in several instances. For example, the phrase "children being unwhipped" is unclear and might be a typographical error or a misuse of words. Such imprecision hampers the clarity of the narrative.
    • How to improve: Choose words carefully and ensure their accuracy in conveying the intended meaning. In the mentioned case, it seems there might be a mistake, and the author may have meant "unprivileged" or "underprivileged." Proofread the essay to correct such errors and enhance overall precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable issues with spelling accuracy, as seen in the phrase "children being unwhipped." This likely is a spelling error that affects the overall coherence of the sentence.
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to spelling during the proofreading process. Utilize spell-check tools and take the time to review the essay for any errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to identify and rectify spelling mistakes, ensuring a polished and error-free final draft.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to vary sentence lengths, the majority of sentences are simple and lack complexity. There is a consistent use of basic subject-verb-object structures, and the essay would benefit from incorporating more complex structures, such as compound or complex sentences, to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence structures. Experiment with complex sentences by combining independent and dependent clauses. For example, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try incorporating compound sentences to add variety and sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there is an issue with subject-verb agreement in the sentence "I first met her at the orphanage where she was volunteering her time to help children being unwhipped." The phrase "being unwhipped" is unclear and seems to be a mistake. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing periods at the end of sentences. These issues slightly affect the overall accuracy of the essay.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure that your sentences are grammatically correct. Review your use of punctuation, specifically periods, to ensure proper sentence structure. In the case of unclear phrases, take the time to revise and clarify your ideas. Proofread your essay carefully to catch and correct such errors before finalizing your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an adequate command of grammar, there is room for improvement in both sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical issues, you can elevate the overall quality of your writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

I frequently engage in volunteer work at social organizations, providing me with opportunities to connect with various individuals. Among the many people I’ve encountered, one individual who has left a lasting impression on me is Mrs. Hoa. I first crossed paths with her at an orphanage, where she dedicated her time to assisting children who have faced adversity.

Mrs. Hoa is an exemplary woman with a kind and gentle demeanor, making her a role model for compassion. What strikes me the most is how she makes me feel understood during our conversations. We engaged in extensive discussions about life and shared experiences, fostering a sense of connection.

Despite encountering numerous challenges in her own life, Mrs. Hoa remains a compassionate individual. Her resilience is evident as she continues to demonstrate love and extend assistance to others. Mrs. Hoa’s commitment to kindness, even in the face of adversity, serves as an inspiration to me and reinforces the importance of choosing love and compassion in our interactions with those around us.

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