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Describe an activity that made you feel tired

Describe an activity that made you feel tired

Alright so I’m not a travel buff , but I love traveling .Today I’m gonna talk about a car journey that I remembered the most because I was extremely nauseated and I vomited all over the place in the car
A couple of years ago , I was on a car journey to Nha Trang with my family . At that time, I was super confident and I didn’t remember anything at all about my severe car sickness . When I was in the car , I felt already nauseated and a little bit tired and dizzy . I just want to throw up but my father tried his utmost to pull a lot of jokes to uplift my spirit and help me to forget everything about nauseousness and stuff like that . I tried to look at the sceneries passing by through the window , but the surroundings were kind of boring , which even worsen my fatigue
Just a few minutes later , I decided that I have to throw up since I couldn’t hold it anymore . Hence , I threw up all over the place in the car and everybody was screaming , creating a complete chaos


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Alright so I’m not a travel buff, but I love traveling." -> "Although I am not particularly passionate about travel, I do enjoy it."
    Explanation: Replacing the casual "Alright so" with "Although" and using a more formal expression like "passionate about travel" improves the overall formality of the sentence.

  2. "Today I’m gonna talk about a car journey that I remembered the most because I was extremely nauseated and I vomited all over the place in the car." -> "Today, I will discuss a memorable car journey during which I experienced severe nausea and ultimately vomited inside the vehicle."
    Explanation: The replacement enhances formality by using "I will discuss" instead of the colloquial "I’m gonna talk about" and employs more sophisticated vocabulary like "experienced severe nausea" to convey the idea more formally.

  3. "A couple of years ago, I was on a car journey to Nha Trang with my family." -> "Several years ago, I embarked on a car journey to Nha Trang with my family."
    Explanation: Substituting "A couple of years ago" with "Several years ago" and replacing "I was on a car journey" with "I embarked on a car journey" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  4. "At that time, I was super confident and I didn’t remember anything at all about my severe car sickness." -> "During that period, I felt remarkably confident, oblivious to the severity of my car sickness."
    Explanation: The changes enhance the formality by replacing "super confident" with "remarkably confident" and using a more sophisticated phrase like "oblivious to the severity of my car sickness."

  5. "When I was in the car, I felt already nauseated and a little bit tired and dizzy." -> "While inside the car, I was already experiencing nausea, accompanied by fatigue and dizziness."
    Explanation: Replacing "When I was in the car, I felt already nauseated" with "While inside the car, I was already experiencing nausea" provides a more formal and structured expression.

  6. "I just want to throw up but my father tried his utmost to pull a lot of jokes to uplift my spirit and help me to forget everything about nauseousness and stuff like that." -> "I had the urge to vomit, but my father made a concerted effort to share numerous jokes, aiming to uplift my spirits and divert my attention from the discomfort of nausea."
    Explanation: The suggested changes use more formal language, such as "made a concerted effort" instead of "tried his utmost" and "divert my attention" instead of "help me to forget," enhancing the formality of the sentence.

  7. "I tried to look at the sceneries passing by through the window, but the surroundings were kind of boring, which even worsen my fatigue." -> "I attempted to admire the scenery passing by through the window, but the uneventful surroundings further exacerbated my fatigue."
    Explanation: Substituting "sceneries" with "scenery" and replacing "kind of boring" with "uneventful" contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  8. "Just a few minutes later, I decided that I have to throw up since I couldn’t hold it anymore." -> "A few minutes later, I concluded that I needed to vomit as I could no longer endure the discomfort."
    Explanation: The replacement of "decided that I have to throw up" with "concluded that I needed to vomit" and "since I couldn’t hold it anymore" with "as I could no longer endure the discomfort" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  9. "Hence, I threw up all over the place in the car, and everybody was screaming, creating a complete chaos." -> "Consequently, I vomited throughout the car, prompting everyone to scream and causing utter chaos."
    Explanation: The suggested changes employ a more formal transition with "Consequently," replace "threw up all over the place" with "vomited throughout the car," and use a more formal term like "utter chaos" to improve the overall academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by describing a specific activity that made the author feel tired, which is the car journey to Nha Trang. However, the essay lacks depth in exploring the feelings of tiredness, and the focus on nausea and vomiting dominates the response.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider expanding on the aspects of tiredness during the journey, such as the physical and mental fatigue, and provide more insight into how these feelings impacted the overall experience.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear stance or position, as it primarily focuses on narrating the events of the car journey without expressing a specific viewpoint or opinion related to the activity that made the author feel tired.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, consider incorporating a thesis statement or expressing a central idea about the impact of the journey on the author, ensuring it is maintained and reinforced throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay briefly presents the car journey and the author’s feelings but lacks in-depth exploration and development. Limited details are provided, and the narrative lacks coherence.
    • How to improve: Extend the ideas by including more descriptive details about the journey, the surroundings, and the emotions experienced. Provide examples that support the narrative and create a more cohesive structure for a stronger impact.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay slightly deviates from the prompt by focusing more on nausea and vomiting than on the tiredness aspect. The discussion of boredom and the uninteresting surroundings may be relevant to fatigue but lacks clarity in connecting to the prompt.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the narrative stays closely tied to the topic of tiredness. Eliminate unrelated details and focus on providing a more direct and coherent account of the activity that caused fatigue.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing a more comprehensive response, maintaining a clear stance, developing ideas with supporting details, and staying focused on the central theme of tiredness. Consider incorporating more vivid descriptions and connecting the events to the prompt more directly.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some organizational challenges as the sequence of events is not presented coherently. The writer jumps between timeframes, creating confusion for the reader. For instance, the abrupt shift from the car journey to Nha Trang to the protagonist feeling nauseated lacks a smooth transition.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, establish a clear chronological order of events. Begin by introducing the car journey, detailing events in a sequential manner, and concluding with the aftermath of the vomiting incident. Utilize transitional phrases to connect ideas and maintain a logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing in the essay is insufficient, and there is a lack of clear structure. Sentences are grouped together without distinct breaks, making it challenging for the reader to follow the narrative cohesively.
    • How to improve: Implement a more organized paragraph structure. Separate distinct ideas or events into paragraphs to create a visually appealing and comprehensible structure. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the narrative, helping the reader navigate through the story seamlessly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in cohesive devices, relying heavily on basic conjunctions. This impacts the overall coherence, making the narrative less engaging. Additionally, there is a need for better pronoun reference to avoid confusion.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices such as transition words, pronouns, and conjunctions to connect ideas more effectively. Ensure pronoun reference is clear, specifying to whom or what the pronouns refer. This will improve the overall flow of the essay and enhance reader comprehension.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in vocabulary, using repetitive phrases such as "nauseated," "throw up," and "car journey." Additionally, the vocabulary used to describe the surroundings and emotions is limited.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of vocabulary to enrich the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "nauseated," consider alternatives like "queasy" or "unwell." Utilize varied expressions to describe emotions and scenery to enhance the overall lexical diversity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Precision in vocabulary is lacking, leading to a somewhat imprecise and basic description of the events. The use of phrases like "super confident" and "kind of boring" could be refined for more accurate and expressive language.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Replace generic phrases with more specific and vivid descriptions. For instance, replace "super confident" with a more nuanced expression like "self-assured," and elaborate on the surroundings with detailed adjectives instead of using "kind of boring."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "remembered" instead of "remember," "nauseousness" instead of "nausea," and missing spaces after some punctuation marks.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch and correct spelling mistakes. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors for assistance. Develop a habit of reviewing written work before submission to enhance overall spelling accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay provides a narrative about a memorable car journey, improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy are needed to elevate the lexical resource to a higher band score. Incorporating these suggestions will contribute to a more sophisticated and refined expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and compound sentences, but there is a lack of complex structures. For instance, most sentences follow a straightforward Subject-Verb-Object pattern. The variety in sentence structures contributes to an overall coherence, but more sophisticated structures could enhance the essay’s fluency and engagement.
    • How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentences, such as those with dependent clauses or relative clauses. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, integrate more complex structures to convey ideas with depth and nuance. This will not only showcase a broader grammatical range but also enhance the overall quality of expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates fairly accurate grammar usage. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence "I felt already nauseated and a little bit tired and dizzy," the use of "felt already" is redundant. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like missing commas in sentences such as "Today I’m gonna talk about a car journey."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to catch and correct errors. Pay close attention to sentence structures and eliminate redundancies. Also, ensure proper punctuation, including commas and apostrophes. Consider seeking feedback from others or using grammar-checking tools to identify and address specific issues. This will contribute to a more polished and error-free essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation would further elevate the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Although I’m not particularly passionate about travel, I do enjoy it. Today, I will discuss a memorable car journey during which I experienced severe nausea and ultimately vomited inside the vehicle.

Several years ago, I embarked on a car journey to Nha Trang with my family. During that period, I felt remarkably confident, oblivious to the severity of my car sickness. While inside the car, I was already experiencing nausea, accompanied by fatigue and dizziness. I had the urge to vomit, but my father made a concerted effort to share numerous jokes, aiming to uplift my spirits and divert my attention from the discomfort of nausea.

I attempted to admire the scenery passing by through the window, but the uneventful surroundings further exacerbated my fatigue. A few minutes later, I concluded that I needed to vomit as I could no longer endure the discomfort. Consequently, I vomited throughout the car, prompting everyone to scream and causing utter chaos.

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