Describe someone who has been a role model in your own life

Hectic life burns out our energy and makes us feel depressed every day. So, who is the role model you turn to? For me, my parents are always the ones that I can rely on every time I feel down. All of the accomplishments I have acquired are thanks to them. Moreover, they are trustworthy and interested in me without giving back. They are willing to bear the consequences I caused without any complaint. Therefore, they are not only role models but also the only motivation for me to strive for.
Firstly, the achievement that I have is thanks to a valuable contribution from them. Remembering the day when I was a little girl, my mother stayed up all night to take care of me because I was sick, my father confronted uncountable adversities to cover the living expenses. Despite my poor condition, I feel happier than other people because of the love and protection of my parents. When I was mature enough, they strongly supported me in pursuing my career, from tuition, managing daily life, and health care to encouraging me to keep moving forward.
Moreover, there will be no one more trustworthy and interested in me than my parents. They inherently care about me and don't betray me like other people. I used to experience this situation many times, and it became my obsession. To illustrate, a healthy environment is one where people feel respected and valued. However, certain people have notorious actions present around us daily, such as your manager yelling at you for a little mistake or your co-workers inclined to blame you for no reason. Parents are always the safest and most reliable fulcrum that I can believe to share my joys and sorrows.
More importantly, when things went wrong because of my actions, instead of scolding me, they admitted that it was their fault and would be responsible for that problem. They helped me realize the importance of facing mistakes and repairing any damage I had done. For example, I used to be addicted to a gamble that led to losing all of my money. My parents had to sell property to help me out of debt without any criticism. Their sacrifices made me feel ashamed and adjust my behavior to become a better version.
All in all, they are role model who light up my life. They devote their whole lives to supporting me. Thanks to them, I can gain knowledge and be successful. Besides, no matter how many obstacles I face, they are always by my side, reliable, and tolerant of my mistakes. Even though they aren't perfect, I aspire to convey my deep appreciation for all they have done for me and how much they mean to me.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Hectic life burns out our energy and makes us feel depressed every day." -> "The hectic pace of modern life can exhaust our energy and contribute to feelings of depression daily."
Explanation: The phrase "the hectic pace of modern life" is more specific and formal than "hectic life," and "can exhaust our energy and contribute to feelings of depression" is more precise and less colloquial than "burns out our energy and makes us feel depressed."
"who is the role model you turn to?" -> "who is the role model you turn to?"
Explanation: The question should be rephrased to maintain a formal tone and avoid the informal "who is."
"All of the accomplishments I have acquired are thanks to them." -> "All my accomplishments are a direct result of their support."
Explanation: "All my accomplishments are a direct result of their support" is more concise and academically formal than "All of the accomplishments I have acquired are thanks to them."
"they are willing to bear the consequences I caused without any complaint." -> "they are willing to accept the consequences of my actions without complaint."
Explanation: "the consequences of my actions" is more precise and formal than "the consequences I caused," and removing "without any" improves the flow of the sentence.
"they are not only role models but also the only motivation for me to strive for." -> "they serve not only as role models but also as my sole motivation to strive."
Explanation: "serve not only as role models but also as my sole motivation to strive" is more formal and avoids the redundancy of "the only."
"Remembering the day when I was a little girl," -> "Recalling the time when I was a child,"
Explanation: "Recalling the time when I was a child" is more formal and less colloquial than "Remembering the day when I was a little girl."
"my mother stayed up all night to take care of me because I was sick," -> "my mother spent the entire night caring for me when I was ill,"
Explanation: "spent the entire night caring for me when I was ill" is more formal and avoids the casual tone of "stayed up all night."
"my father confronted uncountable adversities to cover the living expenses." -> "my father faced numerous challenges to cover our living expenses."
Explanation: "faced numerous challenges" is more precise and formal than "confronted uncountable adversities," and "our" is more inclusive than "the."
"I feel happier than other people because of the love and protection of my parents." -> "I feel more fortunate than others due to the love and protection of my parents."
Explanation: "I feel more fortunate than others due to the love and protection of my parents" is more formal and avoids the subjective comparison "happier than other people."
"they are always the safest and most reliable fulcrum that I can believe to share my joys and sorrows." -> "they are always the safest and most reliable fulcrum on which I can rely to share my joys and sorrows."
Explanation: "on which I can rely" is more formal and precise than "that I can believe," and "fulcrum" is correctly used as a noun.
"they admitted that it was their fault and would be responsible for that problem." -> "they acknowledged responsibility for the issue."
Explanation: "acknowledged responsibility for the issue" is more concise and formal than "admitted that it was their fault and would be responsible for that problem."
"I used to be addicted to a gamble that led to losing all of my money." -> "I was previously addicted to gambling, which resulted in the loss of all my money."
Explanation: "I was previously addicted to gambling, which resulted in the loss of all my money" is more formal and avoids the casual "used to be addicted to a gamble."
"they aren’t perfect, I aspire to convey my deep appreciation for all they have done for me and how much they mean to me." -> "they are not perfect; I aspire to express my profound gratitude for all they have done for me and their significance to me."
Explanation: "express my profound gratitude" and "their significance to me" are more formal and precise than "convey my deep appreciation" and "how much they mean to me."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by describing the writer’s parents as role models. It discusses their support, sacrifices, and the impact they have had on the writer’s life. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs provide specific examples that illustrate their role model status. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the concept of a "role model" beyond personal anecdotes, such as discussing qualities that define a role model in a broader context.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief definition or characteristics of a role model at the beginning of the essay. This would provide a clearer framework for the discussion and help the reader understand why the parents exemplify these traits.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the writer’s parents are their role models. This is consistently reinforced throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding remarks. However, some sentences could be more concise to avoid ambiguity, such as "they are not only role models but also the only motivation for me to strive for," which could be misinterpreted as suggesting that there are no other motivations.
- How to improve: To ensure clarity, the writer should aim for more straightforward language and structure. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to summarize the main idea can help reinforce the position and guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about the parents’ support and sacrifices, effectively using personal anecdotes to extend these ideas. The examples, such as the mother’s care during illness and the father’s financial support, are compelling and relatable. However, some points could be more deeply explored, such as the implications of the parents’ actions on the writer’s character development and values.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate further on how specific experiences shaped their understanding of responsibility and resilience. Including reflections on how these lessons have influenced their actions or decisions would provide a more robust support for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the writer’s parents as role models. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, such as the mention of negative experiences with others in the workplace. While this serves to contrast the parents’ reliability, it could distract from the main focus on the parents.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should limit digressions and ensure that all examples directly relate back to the role model theme. Keeping the narrative centered on the parents and their specific qualities or actions would strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, the essay is strong in its emotional appeal and personal connection to the topic, earning a solid Band 8 for Task Response. By refining the clarity of the position, elaborating on key ideas, and maintaining tighter focus on the topic, the writer can further enhance their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that establishes the role models as the writer’s parents. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, expanding on different aspects of their support and reliability. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the sacrifices made by the parents, while the second focuses on their trustworthiness. This logical progression helps the reader understand the writer’s admiration for their parents. However, the transitions between some ideas could be smoother, particularly between the examples of parental support and the discussion of trust.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the writer’s relationship with their parents, such as their sacrifices, trustworthiness, and the lessons learned from mistakes. However, the final paragraph could benefit from being more distinct, as it somewhat blends into the previous content without a clear demarcation.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that the final paragraph serves as a strong conclusion. This could involve summarizing the key points made in the essay and reinforcing the overall message about the importance of the parents as role models. A concluding sentence that encapsulates the main theme would also strengthen the paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs several cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Firstly," and "All in all," which help to connect ideas and maintain coherence. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit. For example, the transition from discussing parental support to the consequences of the writer’s actions could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "In contrast" when discussing negative experiences with others compared to the support from parents could enhance clarity. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and create smoother connections between sentences.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By focusing on enhancing transitions, diversifying cohesive devices, and strengthening the conclusion, the writer can further improve the clarity and impact of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "hectic life," "trustworthy," "motivation," and "sacrifices." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "role models" and "trustworthy." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "role models," the writer could use alternatives like "inspirational figures" or "guiding influences."
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Engaging with vocabulary-building exercises, such as using flashcards or apps, can help diversify word choice. Additionally, reading a variety of texts can expose the writer to different expressions and contexts in which vocabulary is used.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "notorious actions" is misleading as "notorious" typically carries a negative connotation, which may not align with the intended meaning of describing people who are simply untrustworthy. Additionally, the phrase "a reliable fulcrum" is somewhat awkward and may confuse readers, as "fulcrum" is typically used in a physical context rather than metaphorically.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary, the writer should consider the connotations of words and choose those that accurately reflect their intended meaning. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify more appropriate words. Furthermore, reviewing the context in which words are used can prevent misinterpretations and ensure clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with only a few minor errors, such as "role model who light up my life" (should be "role models who light up my life"). Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools can also help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their overall performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as "When I was mature enough, they strongly supported me in pursuing my career," which effectively conveys a cause-and-effect relationship. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "they are" and "my parents" in consecutive sentences creates a somewhat monotonous rhythm.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, instead of starting consecutive sentences with "they are," you could use introductory clauses or phrases, such as "In addition to being my role models, my parents also provide unwavering support." This approach will not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, the phrase "they are not only role models but also the only motivation for me to strive for" could be more clearly expressed as "they are not only my role models but also my primary motivation to strive." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For instance, the sentence "Moreover, there will be no one more trustworthy and interested in me than my parents" could benefit from a comma after "Moreover" to improve clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly in punctuation. Pay attention to the use of commas in complex sentences and ensure that clauses are properly separated. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity and conciseness. For example, instead of saying "They inherently care about me and don’t betray me like other people," you could say, "Unlike others, my parents inherently care for me and have never betrayed my trust." This revision not only corrects the grammar but also enhances the clarity of the statement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Firstly, the achievements I have are thanks to their valuable contributions. Recalling the time when I was a little girl, my mother stayed up all night to take care of me when I was sick, and my father confronted countless adversities to cover our living expenses. Despite my poor condition, I feel happier than other people because of the love and protection of my parents. When I was mature enough, they strongly supported me in pursuing my career, from tuition and managing daily life to health care and encouraging me to keep moving forward.

Moreover, there is no one more trustworthy and interested in me than my parents. They inherently care about me and don’t betray me like other people. I used to experience this situation many times, and it became my obsession. To illustrate, a healthy environment is one where people feel respected and valued. However, certain people have notorious actions present around us daily, such as a manager yelling at you for a little mistake or co-workers inclined to blame you for no reason. Parents are always the safest and most reliable fulcrum that I can rely on to share my joys and sorrows.

More importantly, when things went wrong because of my actions, instead of scolding me, they acknowledged responsibility for the issue and would take responsibility for that problem. They helped me realize the importance of facing mistakes and repairing any damage I had done. For example, I was previously addicted to gambling, which resulted in the loss of all my money. My parents had to sell property to help me out of debt without any criticism. Their sacrifices made me feel ashamed and motivated me to adjust my behavior to become a better version of myself.

All in all, they are role models who light up my life. They devote their whole lives to supporting me. Thanks to them, I can gain knowledge and be successful. Besides, no matter how many obstacles I face, they are always by my side, reliable, and tolerant of my mistakes. Even though they aren’t perfect, I aspire to express my profound gratitude for all they have done for me and their significance to me.