Describe the most influential person in your group or community and explain why you chose that person. Include details in your explanation.

Describe the most influential person in your group or community and explain why you chose that person. Include details in your explanation.

In my opinion, the most influential person in my area is the mayor of my city. There are a number of reasons for this. First, he is the man who decides how to spend the taxpayer's money. Since money is very important, he has a lot of power and influence. Second, the mayor decides the policies that the city will follow. This includes education, construction, housing, and employment. Because he has power over these issues, he controls many things in the city. This gives him a large amount of influence. Third, he is really kind and generous. He takes part in various charity campaigns to help impoverished people who are living in the countryside because he puts himself in their shoes. In other words, he is a warm-hearted person. Finally, he is a very knowledgeable person. He traveled a lot during his younger years. I know he has encountered various problems, so he has lots of valuable experience and life lessons to pass on to people.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In my opinion" -> "It is my belief"
   Explanation: "It is my belief" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, enhancing the tone of the essay by avoiding the colloquial "In my opinion."

2. "the most influential person" -> "the most influential figure"
   Explanation: "Figure" is a more formal term than "person," which aligns better with the academic style of the essay.

3. "the man who decides" -> "the official responsible for"
   Explanation: "The official responsible for" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "the man who decides."

4. "he has a lot of power and influence" -> "he possesses significant power and influence"
   Explanation: "Possesses significant power and influence" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone.

5. "the mayor decides the policies" -> "the mayor determines the policies"
   Explanation: "Determines" is a more formal verb than "decides," which is commonly used in informal contexts.

6. "he is really kind and generous" -> "he is genuinely kind and generous"
   Explanation: "Genuinely" is a more formal adverb than "really," which is too informal for academic writing.

7. "he takes part in various charity campaigns" -> "he participates in various charitable initiatives"
   Explanation: "Participates in various charitable initiatives" is more formal and specific than "takes part in various charity campaigns."

8. "he puts himself in their shoes" -> "he empathizes with their situations"
   Explanation: "Empathizes with their situations" is a more formal and precise way to describe understanding and relating to others’ circumstances.

9. "he is a warm-hearted person" -> "he is a compassionate individual"
   Explanation: "Compassionate individual" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "warm-hearted person."

10. "he traveled a lot during his younger years" -> "he traveled extensively during his younger years"
    Explanation: "Extensively" is a more precise and formal adverb than "a lot," which is too vague and informal for academic writing.

11. "he has lots of valuable experience and life lessons" -> "he has accumulated considerable experience and valuable life lessons"
    Explanation: "Accumulated considerable experience and valuable life lessons" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay identifies the mayor as the most influential person in the community and provides several reasons for this choice. However, it lacks depth in addressing the prompt’s requirement to explain why this person is influential. The reasons provided are somewhat superficial and do not fully explore the impact of the mayor’s actions on the community. For instance, while the essay mentions the mayor’s role in deciding how to spend taxpayer money, it does not elaborate on specific policies or initiatives that demonstrate his influence.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should include specific examples of the mayor’s initiatives or actions that have had a significant impact on the community. This could involve discussing particular programs he has implemented or changes he has made that illustrate his influence.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position by stating that the mayor is the most influential person. However, the position could be more compelling if it were consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The reasoning provided is somewhat repetitive and lacks a strong argumentative structure. For example, stating that the mayor is kind and knowledgeable is valid, but these points need to be tied back to how these traits contribute to his influence.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central argument of the mayor’s influence. Using transitional phrases to connect ideas and reinforcing the main argument with each point will help strengthen the essay’s coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the mayor’s influence, such as his control over city policies and his charitable actions. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with detailed examples. For instance, the mention of the mayor’s kindness could be enhanced by providing a specific example of a charity campaign he led or a community event he participated in.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific details and examples. This could involve discussing the outcomes of the mayor’s policies or the impact of his charitable work on the community. Providing statistics or anecdotes could also add depth to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by focusing on the mayor’s influence. However, some points, such as the mayor’s travels and personal experiences, feel somewhat tangential and do not directly contribute to the argument about his influence in the community.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the mayor’s influence. It would be beneficial to avoid introducing unrelated personal traits unless they can be explicitly linked to his effectiveness as a leader. Each point should reinforce the central theme of influence in the community.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on providing specific examples, maintaining a clear argumentative structure, and ensuring all points are directly relevant to the topic of the mayor’s influence. Additionally, addressing the word count requirement is crucial, as being under the word limit can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with a strong introductory statement that identifies the subject of discussion—the mayor. Each subsequent point is organized in a sequence that builds upon the previous one, effectively outlining the reasons for the mayor’s influence. For instance, the transition from discussing financial power to policy-making is smooth, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the points, particularly in linking the mayor’s personal qualities to his influence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the mayor’s financial influence, a phrase like "Moreover, his role extends beyond finances to…" could help bridge the gap between points. Additionally, a concluding sentence summarizing the overall influence of the mayor at the end of the paragraph could reinforce the logical progression.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids readability. Each reason for the mayor’s influence is presented in its own section, allowing for focused discussion. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly delineated from the body paragraphs. The essay currently reads as a single block of text, which may hinder clarity.
  • How to improve: Clearly separate the introduction, body, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs. For instance, the introduction should state the main idea and briefly outline the reasons, while the conclusion should summarize the points made and restate the mayor’s influence. This structural clarity will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "third," to enumerate points, which is effective for clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. The essay relies heavily on basic linking words and could benefit from more varied devices to enhance cohesion and flow. For example, phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand" could provide more nuanced connections between ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking phrases that indicate relationships between ideas. For example, when transitioning from discussing the mayor’s financial influence to his charitable actions, using "In addition to his financial responsibilities, he also demonstrates…" would create a smoother transition. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a band score of 9.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in the context of discussing the mayor’s influence. Phrases like "taxpayer’s money," "charity campaigns," and "valuable experience" show an attempt to use topic-specific language. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, with terms like "influence" and "power" appearing multiple times without variation.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "influence," you might use "impact," "authority," or "effect." Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text. For example, instead of "very knowledgeable," you could say "extensively knowledgeable" or "well-informed."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "he puts himself in their shoes" is a colloquial expression that may not be suitable for an academic context. Additionally, the use of "impoverished people" is correct, but it could be more effectively expressed with terms like "underprivileged" or "disadvantaged" to convey a more formal tone.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, focus on the context in which certain phrases are used. Replace informal expressions with more formal alternatives. Consider revising "he is really kind and generous" to "he is exceptionally compassionate and altruistic," which conveys a more formal tone while maintaining the intended meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the provided text. Words like "charity," "impoverished," and "knowledgeable" are spelled correctly, indicating a solid grasp of basic spelling conventions.
  • How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, continue practicing spelling through reading and writing exercises. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools when drafting essays, but also review your work manually to catch any potential errors that automated tools might miss. Engaging in vocabulary-building exercises can also reinforce correct spelling of more complex words.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and maintaining a formal tone. By focusing on these areas, the overall lexical resource can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Since money is very important, he has a lot of power and influence" showcases a complex structure with a dependent clause. Additionally, the phrase "In other words, he is a warm-hearted person" effectively employs a transitional phrase to clarify a point. However, the overall range could be expanded further, as many sentences follow a similar structure, primarily using straightforward declarative sentences.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include relative clauses or conditional phrases. For instance, instead of saying "he is really kind and generous," you could say, "Not only is he kind and generous, but he also actively participates in charity campaigns." This would enhance the complexity and variety of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few errors present. For instance, the phrase "the man who decides how to spend the taxpayer’s money" is grammatically correct. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in some compound sentences, which could improve clarity. For example, in the sentence "This includes education, construction, housing, and employment," the list is punctuated correctly, but the sentence could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas in longer sentences.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, focus on reviewing the rules for using commas in complex sentences and lists. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in creating more varied and grammatically complex sentences. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors before finalizing the essay can help catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation use. By implementing the suggested strategies, the essay can achieve a higher level of sophistication and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my belief, the most influential person in my community is the mayor of my city. There are several reasons for this. First, he is the official responsible for determining how to allocate taxpayer money. Since financial resources are crucial, he possesses significant power and influence. Second, the mayor determines the policies that the city will implement, which encompass education, construction, housing, and employment. Because he has authority over these critical issues, he controls many aspects of city life, granting him considerable influence.

Third, he is genuinely kind and generous. He participates in various charitable initiatives aimed at assisting impoverished individuals living in rural areas, as he empathizes with their situations. In other words, he is a compassionate individual. Finally, he is a very knowledgeable person. He traveled extensively during his younger years, which has allowed him to encounter various challenges. As a result, he has accumulated considerable experience and valuable life lessons that he can share with others.

Overall, the mayor’s combination of power, kindness, and experience makes him the most influential figure in my community.