Develop the paragraph below into an essay with two body paragraphs: Mary has a subtle strength, her presence demanding attention without uttering a word. She stood erect, with keen, perceptive eyes that conveyed both benevolence and a wealth of experience. Her lengthy, chestnut hair, interspersed with silver, encircled a visage characterized by subtle laugh lines that suggested both happiness and fortitude. Mary, attired in a deep blue clothing that reflected her serene disposition, exhibited grace and poise, frequently engaging her hands with thoughtful items—be it a book, a cup of tea, or a modest gesture for a cherished individual. Her voice, kind yet assertive, with the ability to comfort and motivate, compelling attention when she talked. Her every action exuded a calm resolve, and although she seldom pursued attention, Mary possessed an innate ability to make those in her vicinity feel acknowledged, understood, and appreciated.
Develop the paragraph below into an essay with two body paragraphs:
Mary has a subtle strength, her presence demanding attention without uttering a word. She stood erect, with keen, perceptive eyes that conveyed both benevolence and a wealth of experience. Her lengthy, chestnut hair, interspersed with silver, encircled a visage characterized by subtle laugh lines that suggested both happiness and fortitude. Mary, attired in a deep blue clothing that reflected her serene disposition, exhibited grace and poise, frequently engaging her hands with thoughtful items—be it a book, a cup of tea, or a modest gesture for a cherished individual. Her voice, kind yet assertive, with the ability to comfort and motivate, compelling attention when she talked. Her every action exuded a calm resolve, and although she seldom pursued attention, Mary possessed an innate ability to make those in her vicinity feel acknowledged, understood, and appreciated.
Mary has a quiet strength that is felt immediately when she walks into a room. People naturally notice her presence. She carries herself with confidence, her sharp and attentive eyes reflecting both kindness and a rich life experience. Her long chestnut hair, interwoven with silver strands, frames a face marked by gentle laugh lines that hint at both joy and resilience. Clad in deep blue clothing that mirrors her calm nature, Mary moves with grace and dignity. She often engages her hands with meaningful objects—whether it's a book, a warm cup of tea, or a tender gesture towards someone she cares about.
The way Mary interacts with others reveals her true essence. Her voice combines kindness with authority, offering comfort and inspiration to those around her. People listen when she talks because she has a unique way of connecting with them. Mary makes those nearby feel seen and valued. She pays close attention and replies with empathy, creating a welcoming space where others feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions. While she rarely seeks attention for herself, the impact of her words and actions is profound. This natural ability to forge deep connections with people highlights her strength and builds lasting relationships that many people admire.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"People naturally notice her presence." -> "Her presence is immediately discernible."
Explanation: The phrase "Her presence is immediately discernible" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "naturally notice." -
"sharp and attentive eyes" -> "keen and observant eyes"
Explanation: "Keen and observant" is a more formal and precise description of eyes that are sharp and attentive, fitting better in an academic context. -
"frames a face marked by gentle laugh lines" -> "defines a face characterized by gentle laugh lines"
Explanation: "Defines" is more precise than "frames" in this context, and "characterized by" is more formal than "marked by." -
"Clad in deep blue clothing" -> "Attired in deep blue attire"
Explanation: "Attired in" is a more formal expression than "clad in," and "attire" is a more precise term than "clothing" in this context. -
"moves with grace and dignity" -> "exhibits grace and dignity in her movements"
Explanation: "Exhibits" is more formal and specific than "moves," and specifying "in her movements" clarifies the context. -
"engages her hands with meaningful objects" -> "utilizes her hands to interact with meaningful objects"
Explanation: "Utilizes" is more formal than "engages," and "to interact with" is more precise than "with." -
"a warm cup of tea" -> "a warm cup of tea, often"
Explanation: Adding "often" clarifies that this is a common occurrence, enhancing the description’s specificity. -
"a tender gesture towards someone she cares about" -> "a tender gesture towards those she cares about"
Explanation: Changing "someone" to "those" broadens the scope to include multiple individuals, aligning with the plural context of "cared about." -
"Her voice combines kindness with authority" -> "Her voice embodies both kindness and authority"
Explanation: "Embodies" is a more precise and formal term than "combines," and using "both" instead of "with" improves the flow of the sentence. -
"People listen when she talks because she has a unique way of connecting with them." -> "Individuals listen to her because she possesses a unique ability to connect with them."
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "possesses a unique ability" is more precise and formal than "has a unique way." -
"She pays close attention and replies with empathy" -> "She attentively listens and responds with empathy"
Explanation: "Attentively listens" and "responds" are more formal and precise than "pays close attention" and "replies." -
"creating a welcoming space" -> "establishing a welcoming environment"
Explanation: "Establishing a welcoming environment" is more formal and specific than "creating a welcoming space." -
"While she rarely seeks attention for herself" -> "Although she rarely seeks to draw attention to herself"
Explanation: "Although" is more formal than "While," and "to draw attention to herself" is more precise than "for herself." -
"the impact of her words and actions is profound" -> "the profound impact of her words and actions"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "the profound impact of her words and actions" emphasizes the depth of the impact, aligning with formal academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does a fair job of addressing the prompt, focusing on the character of Mary and her subtle strength. However, it lacks a clear structure that explicitly responds to all aspects of the prompt, particularly in developing two distinct body paragraphs. The content is rich but feels more like a description than an analytical exploration of the character’s strength. For instance, while the first paragraph describes her physical attributes and demeanor, the second paragraph shifts to her interactions without clearly delineating how these aspects contribute to her strength.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay should be structured into two distinct body paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of Mary’s strength. For example, one paragraph could delve into her physical presence and how it commands attention, while the other could explore her interpersonal skills and the impact she has on others. This would provide a clearer and more organized response to the prompt.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position regarding Mary’s strength, but it lacks clarity and consistency throughout. While the initial description sets up a strong image of Mary, the transition to her interactions could be more explicitly linked to her overall strength. The essay does not consistently reinforce how her presence and actions contribute to her character, which can leave the reader uncertain about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the essay should explicitly state the thesis in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph ties back to this central idea. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to summarize the main point will help keep the reader focused on the argument being made.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about Mary’s character, but they are not fully developed or supported with examples. For instance, while it mentions her "kind yet assertive" voice, it does not provide specific instances or anecdotes that illustrate this quality. The ideas are somewhat repetitive, and the lack of depth in exploration limits the overall impact of the essay.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the essay should include specific examples or scenarios that demonstrate Mary’s qualities in action. For instance, describing a situation where her voice inspired someone or a moment where her presence changed the atmosphere in a room would provide stronger support for the claims made about her character.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on Mary’s character and her strength. However, there are moments where the descriptions feel overly detailed or tangential, such as the extensive focus on her appearance without linking it back to her strength. This can detract from the main argument and dilute the essay’s effectiveness.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the essay should ensure that every detail serves to enhance the understanding of Mary’s strength. Avoiding excessive detail about her appearance unless it directly relates to her character traits will help keep the writing concise and on point. Each sentence should contribute to the overall argument about her strength.
In summary, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should focus on structuring the response clearly, maintaining a consistent position, providing specific examples to support ideas, and ensuring that all details are relevant to the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The first paragraph effectively establishes Mary’s physical presence and demeanor, while the second paragraph delves into her interpersonal skills and the impact she has on others. This structure allows the reader to first visualize Mary and then understand her character through her interactions. The transition from describing her physical attributes to her influence on others is smooth and coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases between the two paragraphs. For instance, a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that hints at her interactions could serve as a bridge to the second paragraph. This would create an even stronger connection between her presence and her impact on others.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. The first paragraph focuses on Mary’s physical description and demeanor, while the second explores her interactions and the emotional responses she elicits from others. Each paragraph is well-structured, with a clear topic that is developed through supporting details.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states her presence and strength, while the second could begin with a statement about her interpersonal skills. This would further clarify the focus of each paragraph for the reader.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing, to link ideas within and between sentences. Phrases like "whether it’s a book, a warm cup of tea, or a tender gesture" effectively illustrate her interactions, while "her voice combines kindness with authority" connects her qualities to her actions. However, there is a slight repetition of certain phrases and structures that could be varied.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "whether it’s," you could use alternatives like "such as" or "including." Additionally, employing more complex cohesive devices, such as subordinating clauses (e.g., "Although she rarely seeks attention…"), can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall flow.
By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, further enhancing its clarity and impact.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. Words like "quiet strength," "interwoven," "gentle laugh lines," and "tender gesture" showcase the writer’s ability to use descriptive language effectively. The variety in word choice enhances the imagery and emotional resonance of the piece. However, there are moments where the vocabulary could be more varied; for instance, the repeated use of "deep blue clothing" could be substituted with synonyms or more descriptive phrases to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To elevate the essay further, the writer could incorporate more synonyms or related terms to enrich the descriptions. For example, instead of repeating "deep blue clothing," they might use "navy attire" or "cerulean garments." Additionally, exploring more nuanced adjectives could add depth, such as describing her clothing as "serene-hued" or "oceanic."
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with a high degree of precision. Phrases like "sharp and attentive eyes" and "unique way of connecting" accurately convey the intended meanings. However, the phrase "warm cup of tea" could be seen as somewhat cliché and less impactful in this context, as it does not add significant value to the imagery of Mary’s character.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for more original expressions that capture the essence of Mary’s character. For example, instead of "warm cup of tea," they could describe it as "a comforting vessel of herbal infusion," which adds a layer of warmth and specificity. Encouraging the use of less common phrases or idioms can also help in achieving this goal.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors throughout the text. This reflects a strong command of the language and contributes positively to the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: While the spelling is accurate, the writer should continue to practice proofreading their work to maintain this standard. Engaging in regular reading and writing exercises can help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with less common words. Additionally, using tools like spell checkers can serve as a safety net to catch any inadvertent mistakes in future writings.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. By focusing on enhancing vocabulary variety, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can further elevate their writing to achieve an even higher score in future assessments.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Her long chestnut hair, interwoven with silver strands, frames a face marked by gentle laugh lines that hint at both joy and resilience" showcases the writer’s ability to combine clauses effectively. Additionally, the use of varied sentence beginnings, such as "Clad in deep blue clothing that mirrors her calm nature," adds to the overall sophistication of the writing. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the second paragraph, where several sentences begin with "Mary" or "People," which can detract from the overall flow.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Mary," you could begin with phrases like "In her interactions," or "Through her actions," which would create a more dynamic rhythm. Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could enhance the complexity and fluidity of the writing.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. The use of punctuation is mostly correct, as seen in the effective use of commas to separate clauses, such as in "Mary has a quiet strength that is felt immediately when she walks into a room." However, there are minor issues, such as the lack of a comma before "and" in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, "Her voice combines kindness with authority, offering comfort and inspiration to those around her" could benefit from clearer separation of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review the rules regarding comma usage in compound sentences. Practicing the identification of independent clauses and ensuring appropriate punctuation can help mitigate run-on sentences. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can aid in identifying areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence clarity could be improved.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a Band 8 score. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation usage, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Mary possesses a quiet strength that is immediately discernible upon her entrance into a room. Individuals naturally notice her presence, as she carries herself with confidence. Her keen and observant eyes reflect both kindness and a wealth of life experience. Framing her face, which is characterized by gentle laugh lines suggesting both joy and resilience, is her long chestnut hair interspersed with silver strands. Clad in deep blue attire that mirrors her serene disposition, Mary moves with grace and dignity. She often utilizes her hands to interact with meaningful objects—be it a book, a warm cup of tea, or a tender gesture towards someone she cherishes.
The way Mary interacts with others reveals her true essence. Her voice embodies both kindness and authority, offering comfort and inspiration to those around her. Individuals listen to her because she possesses a unique ability to connect with them. She attentively listens and responds with empathy, establishing a welcoming environment where others feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions. Although she rarely seeks to draw attention to herself, the profound impact of her words and actions is undeniable. This natural ability to forge deep connections with people not only highlights her strength but also fosters lasting relationships that many admire.
