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Developing the economy will always damage the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Developing the economy will always damage the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is indispensable that there are different views on whether a thriving economy benefits the environment or not. This essay will discuss both notions and reach my final conclusion that fostering the economy can do wonders for the environment.
On the one hand, it is believed that expanding the economy can pose potential threats to our environment in a number od aspects. Some people argue that the rising in industrial production and urbanization can damage the environment including air, water and soil. To be more specific, the industrial waste from factories can make our air and water dirty. Additionally, the increase in industrial productivity can also rocket greenhouse gases emission, which contributes to climate change and negative impacts on the ecosystem as well as human health.
On the other hand, some individuals, including me, hold the idea that a developing economy can bring wide range of benefits to our environment. First and foremost, it can be outlined that the technological advancements can curb environmental issues. To be more specific, thanks to innovations, we can utilised environmentally friendly energy sources such as hydro or solar to generate energy. Take solar energy for a stark example, human can set up solar panels to absorb unlimited energy from the sun, which can reduce the use of fossil fuels. Equally important, a thriving economy can also mitigate environmental problems thanks to huge investments from government and companies resulting in a better technology to get rid of industrial waste.
In conclusion, though developing the environment can have potential disadvantages on the environment, I strongly believe that it brings more advantages to our lives.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is indispensable that there are different views on whether a thriving economy benefits the environment or not." -> "It is essential to acknowledge the varying perspectives on whether a flourishing economy positively impacts the environment."
    Explanation: Replacing "indispensable" with "essential" and rephrasing the sentence improves the formality and clarity of the statement.

  2. "This essay will discuss both notions and reach my final conclusion that fostering the economy can do wonders for the environment." -> "This essay will examine both perspectives and ultimately conclude that promoting economic growth can significantly benefit the environment."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality of the sentence, replacing "notions" with "perspectives" and expressing the conclusion more precisely.

  3. "Some people argue that the rising in industrial production and urbanization can damage the environment including air, water, and soil." -> "Some argue that the increase in industrial production and urbanization can adversely affect the environment, including air, water, and soil."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate informal language like "rising in" and provide a more concise and formal expression of the idea.

  4. "To be more specific, the industrial waste from factories can make our air and water dirty." -> "More specifically, industrial waste from factories can pollute the air and water."
    Explanation: The revision maintains clarity while eliminating colloquial expressions like "make our air and water dirty."

  5. "Additionally, the increase in industrial productivity can also rocket greenhouse gases emission, which contributes to climate change and negative impacts on the ecosystem as well as human health." -> "Moreover, the rise in industrial productivity can significantly increase greenhouse gas emissions, contributing to climate change and negatively impacting both ecosystems and human health."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision by using more sophisticated vocabulary and improving sentence structure.

  6. "On the other hand, some individuals, including me, hold the idea that a developing economy can bring a wide range of benefits to our environment." -> "Conversely, some individuals, myself included, maintain the belief that a burgeoning economy can yield a multitude of benefits for the environment."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal transition ("Conversely") and replaces the informal phrase "hold the idea" with a more academic expression.

  7. "First and foremost, it can be outlined that the technological advancements can curb environmental issues." -> "Primarily, it can be emphasized that technological advancements have the potential to alleviate environmental concerns."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity, replacing colloquial expressions and providing a more precise term ("emphasized").

  8. "To be more specific, thanks to innovations, we can utilised environmentally friendly energy sources such as hydro or solar to generate energy." -> "More specifically, innovations enable us to utilize environmentally friendly energy sources, such as hydro or solar, for energy generation."
    Explanation: The revision improves sentence structure and replaces the informal "thanks to" with a more formal "enable us to."

  9. "Take solar energy for a stark example, human can set up solar panels to absorb unlimited energy from the sun, which can reduce the use of fossil fuels." -> "Take solar energy, for instance; humans can install solar panels to harness unlimited energy from the sun, thereby decreasing reliance on fossil fuels."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, correct grammar, and improve the overall flow of the sentence.

  10. "In conclusion, though developing the environment can have potential disadvantages on the environment, I strongly believe that it brings more advantages to our lives." -> "In conclusion, while fostering economic development may pose potential disadvantages for the environment, I firmly believe that it yields more benefits to our lives."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve formality and precision, replacing informal language and providing a more nuanced expression of the potential drawbacks of economic development.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument by discussing the potential negative impacts of a thriving economy on the environment and then presenting the writer’s stance in favor of the benefits. Relevant sections include the acknowledgment of opposing views and the subsequent presentation of the writer’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing view in a dedicated paragraph. This will further demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of the benefits of a developing economy on the environment. This stance is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the stance is clear, try to strengthen the connection between each body paragraph and the overall position. Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to supporting the central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas regarding the potential negative impacts of economic development on the environment and supports them with examples, such as the pollution caused by industrial waste. Similarly, the positive aspects are supported by discussing technological advancements and investments in addressing environmental issues.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this, provide more detailed examples and elaborate on the positive impacts of a thriving economy. Consider expanding on the specific benefits of technological advancements and the ways in which investments can lead to effective environmental solutions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the relationship between economic development and its impact on the environment. However, there are moments of vagueness, such as the statement "fostering the economy can do wonders for the environment," which could benefit from clearer elaboration.
    • How to improve: Be more specific and precise in your language, avoiding broad statements without sufficient explanation. Clarify how and why economic development can have positive effects on the environment.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments supporting the writer’s position. To improve, focus on refining the acknowledgment of opposing views, strengthening the coherence between paragraphs, providing more detailed examples, and ensuring clarity in statements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to present both sides of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow the author’s thought process. However, the introduction could be more precise in outlining the main points. The body paragraphs are adequately organized, with one paragraph focusing on the negative impacts and another on the positive aspects. The conclusion summarizes the author’s position.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the author should provide a more concise and focused introduction that clearly outlines the main arguments. Additionally, ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs can further improve the logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph is dedicated to discussing either the negative or positive impacts of developing the economy on the environment.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively uses paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression within itself can enhance overall paragraph structure. Consider revising to make sure that each paragraph contributes distinctly to the overall coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices for a more seamless connection between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, the author can incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("furthermore," "however," "nevertheless") and parallel structures. This will help create a more sophisticated and connected narrative.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. By refining the introduction for conciseness, ensuring each paragraph has a clear focus, and incorporating a wider array of cohesive devices, the author can elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some advanced words and phrases such as "indispensable," "rocket," "curb," and "mitigate." However, there is room for improvement as certain concepts are repetitively expressed, and opportunities for more varied vocabulary are missed.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions for key concepts. Avoid repetition of certain words or phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "environment," explore synonyms like "ecosystem," "habitat," or "surroundings."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately; however, there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, the phrase "rocket greenhouse gases emission" is imprecise; it would be better expressed as "skyrocket greenhouse gas emissions."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the precision of your word choices. Use specific terms that accurately convey your intended meaning. Review sentences for opportunities to replace general or vague terms with more precise language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. There are a few minor errors such as "od" instead of "of" and "utilised" instead of "utilized." While these do not severely impact comprehension, eliminating such errors would improve overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading your essays carefully. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors to catch common errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to identify and correct any spelling mistakes that may have been overlooked.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, but refining vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy can contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures. It utilizes a mix of complex and compound sentences, incorporating transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." However, some sentence structures could be more sophisticated for a higher score. For instance, there is a repetition of sentence structures like "To be more specific," which, while clear, limits the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, such as those with dependent clauses or different syntactic structures. Additionally, strive for diversity in connecting ideas without relying too heavily on repetitive phrases. This can be achieved by using a broader range of transitional phrases and varying sentence lengths.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates accurate grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "there are different views on whether a thriving economy benefits the environment or not" could be refined for clarity. Additionally, there is a grammatical mistake in "rocket greenhouse gases emission," where ‘rocket’ should be ‘rocketing,’ and an extra ‘od’ in "number od aspects."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures for clarity and correctness. Consider revising awkward phrases to convey ideas more smoothly. Additionally, proofread the essay to catch and correct minor grammatical errors, ensuring a polished final product. Pay special attention to subject-verb agreement and word choice.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and sentence structures, but improvements in sentence variety and careful proofreading could elevate the score to a higher band.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are varying perspectives on whether a flourishing economy positively impacts the environment. This essay will examine both views and conclude that promoting economic growth can significantly benefit the environment. Some argue that the increase in industrial production and urbanization can harm the environment, affecting air, water, and soil. Specifically, industrial waste from factories can pollute the air and water. Furthermore, the rise in industrial productivity can increase greenhouse gas emissions, contributing to climate change and negatively affecting ecosystems and human health.

Conversely, some, including myself, maintain the belief that a growing economy can bring numerous benefits to the environment. Primarily, technological advancements can address environmental concerns. Innovations enable us to use environmentally friendly energy sources, such as hydro or solar, for energy generation. Take solar energy, for instance; people can install solar panels to harness unlimited energy from the sun, reducing reliance on fossil fuels.

In conclusion, while fostering economic development may have potential drawbacks for the environment, I firmly believe that it yields more benefits for our lives.

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