Directors and managers of organisations are often older people. Some people say that it is better for younger people to be leaders.

The older have always been an ideal model for leading an organization or holding high positions, some people; however, opposed that the younger are more compatible with leaderships. This essay completely advocates the latter proposition as the younger tend to be less affected by various external factors and the readiness to adopt comments from others can result in better cooperations.

To commence with, younger leaders tend to welcome all comments and suggestions, especially those from their subordinates. This means that they are more willing to reconsider themselves to make necessary changes, fostering a sense of efficiency and respect in workspace. Conversely, when it comes to old experienced directors, they may be too conservative and insulted to be receptive to other members’ comments.

Moreover, older managers are susceptible to external aspects such as familial factors, which may distract them from their work. The older they become, the greater responsibility they have to undertake, including taking care of their children and filial obligations with their parents. These factors can put old directors under pressure as well as reduce the concentration on work, hence limiting the leadership efficiency. In contrast, the younger do not have to cope with this concern, therefore performing better as a role of a leader.

To sum up, this essay strongly proposes that younger people are more suitable with leaderships than older ones due to their willingness to adopt ideas from inferiors and make crucial changes and a better performance when not being interrupted by issues that the older usually have to deal with.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The older have always been an ideal model" -> "The elderly have traditionally been considered an ideal model"
Explanation: "The elderly" is a more precise and respectful term than "the older," and "traditionally been considered" refines the statement to a more formal academic tone.
"some people; however, opposed that the younger are more compatible with leaderships" -> "however, some argue that the younger are more suitable for leadership roles"
Explanation: "However" should be separated from the preceding clause by a comma for proper punctuation. "Some argue" is more formal than "some people," and "more suitable for leadership roles" is a clearer and more precise phrase than "more compatible with leaderships."
"This essay completely advocates the latter proposition" -> "This essay strongly supports the latter argument"
Explanation: "Strongly supports" is more academically appropriate than "completely advocates," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"the younger tend to be less affected by various external factors" -> "the younger are less susceptible to various external influences"
Explanation: "Less susceptible to" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of being less affected by external factors.
"the readiness to adopt comments from others can result in better cooperations" -> "the willingness to incorporate feedback from others can foster better collaborations"
Explanation: "Incorporate feedback" is more specific and formal than "adopt comments," and "foster better collaborations" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "better cooperations."
"welcome all comments and suggestions" -> "receive all comments and suggestions"
Explanation: "Receive" is a more formal verb choice than "welcome," which can imply a more personal or emotional response.
"reconsider themselves to make necessary changes" -> "reassess their approaches to implement necessary changes"
Explanation: "Reassess their approaches" is more specific and formal than "reconsider themselves," and "implement" is more precise than "make."
"insulted to be receptive" -> "averse to being receptive"
Explanation: "Averse to being receptive" is a more precise and formal way to describe resistance to change or suggestions.
"older managers are susceptible to external aspects" -> "older managers are influenced by external factors"
Explanation: "Influenced by external factors" is a clearer and more formal expression than "susceptible to external aspects."
"familial factors, which may distract them from their work" -> "family obligations, which may divert their attention from their work"
Explanation: "Family obligations" is a more specific term than "familial factors," and "divert their attention" is a more precise and formal way to describe the distraction.
"the younger do not have to cope with this concern" -> "the younger are not burdened by these concerns"
Explanation: "Are not burdened by these concerns" is a more formal and precise way to describe the lack of responsibility.
"more suitable with leaderships" -> "more suitable for leadership roles"
Explanation: "More suitable for leadership roles" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formality of the statement.
"interrupted by issues that the older usually have to deal with" -> "distracted by issues that typically affect the older"
Explanation: "Distracted by issues that typically affect the older" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "interrupted by issues that the older usually have to deal with."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear argument in favor of younger leaders over older ones. It discusses two main points: the willingness of younger leaders to accept feedback and their ability to focus on work without familial distractions. However, while the essay acknowledges the opposing view, it could benefit from a more balanced discussion of the strengths of older leaders to fully engage with the prompt’s dual nature.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could briefly outline the advantages of older leaders, such as experience and wisdom, before contrasting these with the benefits of younger leaders. This would provide a more rounded argument and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position advocating for younger leaders throughout. The use of phrases such as "this essay completely advocates" establishes a strong stance early on. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother to reinforce the position consistently.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, summarizing the main argument at the end of each paragraph could help reinforce the position and ensure that the reader remains focused on the central argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas well, particularly in discussing the willingness of younger leaders to accept feedback and their lack of familial distractions. However, the examples provided could be more specific and detailed to strengthen the argument further. For instance, mentioning specific scenarios where younger leaders excel due to their adaptability would enhance the support for the claims made.
- How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should include more concrete examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. This could involve referencing well-known younger leaders or studies that show the effectiveness of younger leadership styles in organizations.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of leadership and the comparison between younger and older leaders. However, there are moments where the discussion of older leaders’ familial responsibilities could be perceived as slightly tangential, as it does not directly relate to their leadership capabilities.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the qualities that make someone a good leader. Instead of discussing familial responsibilities in isolation, it could be framed within the context of how these responsibilities impact leadership effectiveness. This would keep the discussion tightly aligned with the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a compelling argument, addressing the suggested areas for improvement could elevate the response to a higher level of sophistication and depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of younger leaders, structured around two main points: their receptiveness to feedback and their ability to focus without familial distractions. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the willingness of younger leaders to accept feedback to the discussion of older leaders’ distractions feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the benefits of younger leaders’ receptiveness, a phrase like "In addition to this advantage, another significant factor is…" could help create a more seamless transition to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction clearly states the position, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, the first paragraph could be more clearly defined as an introduction, as it contains multiple ideas that could be better organized.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the introduction could be split into two sentences: one stating the general view of older leaders and another clearly stating the essay’s position. This would clarify the structure and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "moreover" and "to sum up," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disconnected. For instance, the phrase "the older they become" could be better linked to the preceding sentence to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "for instance." Additionally, using pronouns effectively can help maintain cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "older managers," you could refer to them as "they" in subsequent sentences to create a smoother flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in transitions, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "ideal model," "leadership," "cooperations," and "susceptible." However, the use of phrases such as "the older" and "the younger" is somewhat simplistic and lacks variety. Additionally, the term "leaderships" is incorrectly used in the plural form, which detracts from the overall lexical sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of "the older" and "the younger," they could use "older generations" and "younger individuals." Furthermore, replacing "leaderships" with "leadership roles" or "leadership positions" would improve lexical accuracy.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "insulted" in the context of older managers being resistant to feedback. This word choice implies a personal offense rather than a professional reluctance to change. Additionally, "cooperations" is a less common term; "collaboration" or "teamwork" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should choose words that accurately convey the intended meaning. For example, instead of saying older managers are "insulted," they could say they may feel "threatened" or "defensive." Using "collaboration" instead of "cooperations" would also enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, the term "cooperations" is a misspelling of the more commonly used "cooperation," which affects the overall impression of spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work for common spelling errors and ensure that they are using the correct forms of words. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify any potential mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary choices, selecting words that accurately reflect the intended meaning, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "Conversely, when it comes to old experienced directors, they may be too conservative and insulted to be receptive to other members’ comments" shows an ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "the older" or "younger leaders," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences and incorporate more varied conjunctions and transitions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the older" or "younger," the writer could use phrases like "In contrast to their younger counterparts" or "On the other hand, older leaders." Additionally, incorporating more relative clauses or participial phrases could add complexity and interest to the sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "the older have always been an ideal model for leading an organization" should be revised to "Older individuals have always been seen as ideal models for leading organizations." Additionally, the use of a semicolon in "some people; however, opposed that the younger are more compatible with leaderships" is incorrect; a comma would be more appropriate here. The phrase "leaderships" is also awkward and should be replaced with "leadership roles" or simply "leadership."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of punctuation. A thorough proofreading process can help identify and correct these errors. It may also be beneficial to review the rules for punctuation, particularly the use of commas and semicolons, to ensure they are applied correctly. Furthermore, the writer should consider varying the vocabulary used to describe leadership to avoid awkward phrasing and enhance clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to sentence variety and grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The elderly have always been considered an ideal model for leading an organization or holding high positions; however, some people oppose the idea that the younger are more suitable for leadership roles. This essay completely advocates the latter proposition, as the younger tend to be less affected by various external factors, and their willingness to incorporate feedback from others can foster better collaboration.

To commence with, younger leaders tend to welcome all comments and suggestions, especially those from their subordinates. This means that they are more willing to reassess their approaches to implement necessary changes, fostering a sense of efficiency and respect in the workplace. Conversely, when it comes to older, experienced directors, they may be too conservative and averse to being receptive to other members’ comments.

Moreover, older managers are influenced by external factors such as family obligations, which may distract them from their work. The older they become, the greater responsibilities they have to undertake, including taking care of their children and fulfilling filial obligations with their parents. These factors can put older directors under pressure and reduce their concentration on work, hence limiting their leadership efficiency. In contrast, the younger are not burdened by these concerns, therefore performing better in leadership roles.

To sum up, this essay strongly proposes that younger people are more suitable for leadership roles than older ones due to their willingness to adopt ideas from others and make crucial changes, as well as their better performance when not distracted by issues that typically affect the older.