discuss whether people should take risks and give your opinion

In our society, it seems that there are two divergent groups of people. Some are risk- averse, others
are a proportion of risk-takers. In this essay, the further insights of the phenomenon will be debated
including the logcially personal perspective. When it comes to the the former , it is stability and
predictability that they can grasp in their life. To be specific, they can lead a secure and comfortable
life if they minimize the chances of failure and harm. To illustrate, if some graduates are offered a
wide range of career options such as working in a small company in their city , being responsible for
a position in an international company or being official of a government owned organization, they
make a decision on the last one because they suppose that they will be offered a long-lasting
welfare, which makes them feel that they can have a sense of control. However, I am more
convinced of the latter on account of the following opinion. It is evident that risk- takers who have
new experiences can also lead to personal growth and self- discovery. In other words, taking full
advantage of their experiences, they can gain their career advancement and make professional
development. For instance, as I mentioned above after graduating from university, if students are
willing to apply for an international company, they might have chance to meet people from different
backgrounds, to explore new approches, to understand global issues from varoius viewpoints. In
conclusion, belonging to the group of risk- averse, people may make great contribution to their
society, however I stand by the risk- takers

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In our society, it seems that there are two divergent groups of people." -> "In contemporary society, there appear to be two distinct groups of individuals."
Explanation: The phrase "it seems that" is somewhat informal and vague. "There appear to be" is more precise and formal. Additionally, "divergent" can be replaced with "distinct" for clarity and formality, and "groups of people" is more formalized as "groups of individuals."
"the further insights of the phenomenon will be debated" -> "a deeper analysis of this phenomenon will be undertaken"
Explanation: "Further insights" is somewhat vague and informal. "A deeper analysis" is more specific and academically appropriate. "Debated" implies a discussion that may not be formal or structured, whereas "undertaken" suggests a systematic and formal approach.
"the the former" -> "the former"
Explanation: The repetition of "the" is unnecessary and incorrect. Removing the extra "the" corrects the grammatical error.
"they can grasp in their life" -> "they can achieve in their lives"
Explanation: "Grasp" is not typically used in this context; "achieve" is more appropriate for describing the attainment of goals or outcomes. Also, "life" should be pluralized to "lives" for grammatical correctness.
"if they minimize the chances of failure and harm" -> "by minimizing the risks of failure and harm"
Explanation: "Minimize" is more precise and formal than "minimize the chances of." Additionally, "risks" is a more specific term than "chances," which is too vague.
"if some graduates are offered a wide range of career options" -> "if graduates are presented with a diverse range of career opportunities"
Explanation: "Are offered" is less formal than "are presented with," which is more precise and formal. "Career options" can be replaced with "career opportunities" for a more formal tone.
"being responsible for a position in an international company or being official of a government owned organization" -> "holding positions in international companies or government agencies"
Explanation: "Being responsible for a position" is awkward and unclear. "Holding positions" is more direct and formal. "Government owned organization" should be "government agencies" for clarity and formality.
"they suppose that they will be offered a long-lasting welfare" -> "they believe they will receive long-term benefits"
Explanation: "Suppose" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Believe" is more appropriate, and "long-lasting welfare" is replaced with "long-term benefits" for clarity and formality.
"which makes them feel that they can have a sense of control" -> "which enables them to feel a sense of control"
Explanation: "Makes them feel that they can have" is redundant and informal. "Enables them to feel" is more direct and formal.
"I am more convinced of the latter on account of the following opinion." -> "I am more persuaded by the latter due to the following reasons."
Explanation: "Convinced of the latter" is awkward and unclear. "Persuaded by the latter" is more direct and formal. "On account of the following opinion" is vague; "due to the following reasons" is clearer and more appropriate for academic writing.
"It is evident that risk- takers who have new experiences can also lead to personal growth and self- discovery." -> "It is evident that risk-takers who experience new challenges can also foster personal growth and self-discovery."
Explanation: "Risk- takers who have new experiences" is awkward and informal. "Risk-takers who experience new challenges" is more precise and formal. "Can also lead to" is replaced with "can also foster" for a more active and formal verb choice.
"taking full advantage of their experiences" -> "fully leveraging their experiences"
Explanation: "Taking full advantage of" is a bit informal and verbose. "Fully leveraging" is more concise and formal.
"make professional development" -> "pursue professional development"
Explanation: "Make professional development" is grammatically incorrect. "Pursue professional development" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"as I mentioned above" -> "as previously mentioned"
Explanation: "As I mentioned above" is informal and conversational. "As previously mentioned" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"they might have chance to meet people from different backgrounds" -> "they may have the opportunity to meet individuals from diverse backgrounds"
Explanation: "Might have chance" is informal and incorrect. "May have the opportunity" is grammatically correct and more formal. "People" is replaced with "individuals" for formality, and "different backgrounds" is replaced with "diverse backgrounds" for a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both risk-averse individuals and risk-takers, providing insights into both perspectives. However, the response could be clearer in explicitly stating whether people should take risks, as the prompt asks for an opinion. The essay does mention a preference for risk-takers but does not robustly argue why taking risks is beneficial compared to being risk-averse. For example, while it discusses the advantages of risk-taking, it lacks a direct recommendation or conclusion that clearly states whether people should take risks.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that the thesis statement clearly reflects the opinion on whether people should take risks. Additionally, each paragraph should tie back to this central argument, reinforcing the stance taken throughout the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position favoring risk-takers, but the clarity of this position could be enhanced. The phrase "I am more convinced of the latter" introduces some ambiguity, as it could be interpreted as a weak endorsement of risk-taking without a strong rationale. The conclusion also lacks a definitive statement summarizing the position on risk-taking.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use more assertive language when expressing their opinion. For example, instead of saying "I am more convinced," they could state, "I firmly believe that taking risks is essential for personal and professional growth." Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion would strengthen the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of risk-taking, such as personal growth and career advancement. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions meeting people from different backgrounds as a benefit of working in an international company, it does not delve deeper into how these experiences contribute to personal development or provide concrete examples of successful risk-takers.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, they could provide a specific anecdote of a person who took risks and achieved success, illustrating the positive outcomes of such decisions. Additionally, using statistics or studies to back up claims about the benefits of risk-taking could provide stronger support.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing risk-taking and risk aversion. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For example, the mention of "great contribution to their society" in the conclusion feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument about whether people should take risks, as it does not directly relate to the benefits of risk-taking.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the question of whether people should take risks. They can achieve this by consistently linking back to the main argument in each paragraph and avoiding tangential statements that do not contribute to the central discussion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, it would benefit from clearer articulation of the main argument, stronger support for ideas, and a more focused approach to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two opposing viewpoints regarding risk-taking, which is a strong organizational choice. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion by outlining the two groups: risk-averse individuals and risk-takers. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing risk-averse individuals to risk-takers lacks a clear transitional phrase, making it slightly abrupt. Additionally, the conclusion attempts to summarize the discussion but does not effectively encapsulate the main arguments presented.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transitional phrases between sections. For example, after discussing risk-averse individuals, a phrase like "On the other hand," could be used to introduce the perspective of risk-takers. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points made in the essay and reinforces the writer’s opinion clearly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs themselves could be better structured. The first paragraph discusses risk-averse individuals but could be split into two: one focusing on their characteristics and another on the implications of their choices. The second paragraph discusses risk-takers but lacks a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of that paragraph.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could begin with "Risk-averse individuals prioritize stability and predictability in their lives." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains a mix of supporting details and examples that directly relate to the main idea presented in the topic sentence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "to illustrate," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the use of "however" in the conclusion is effective, but the essay could benefit from more varied devices to enhance cohesion, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing a contrasting idea, use "in contrast" or "on the contrary" instead of repeating "however." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect sentences and ideas within paragraphs, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements can be made in the areas of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "risk-averse," "secure," "predictability," and "personal growth." However, the range is somewhat limited, and the vocabulary choices are often repetitive. For instance, the phrase "risk-takers" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which could enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "risk-takers," alternatives like "adventurers," "daredevils," or "risk-seekers" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "entrepreneurial spirit" or "calculated risks," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay does convey ideas, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "logically personal perspective" is unclear and does not effectively communicate the intended meaning. Additionally, "being official of a government owned organization" is awkwardly phrased and could be more clearly expressed as "working in a government-owned organization."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choices. It would be beneficial to revise ambiguous phrases for clearer alternatives. For instance, instead of "logically personal perspective," the writer could say "a rational viewpoint based on personal experience." This will help ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects the intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "logcially" (logically), "the the" (the), "approches" (approaches), and "varoius" (various). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and keeping a list of frequently misspelled words can be beneficial for long-term improvement.

Overall, while the essay shows a solid understanding of the topic and attempts to engage with a range of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in lexical resource. By expanding vocabulary, enhancing precision, and correcting spelling errors, the writer can elevate their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "if" clauses in sentences like "if some graduates are offered a wide range of career options" showcases an attempt at complexity. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are somewhat repetitive in structure, which detracts from the overall effectiveness. Phrases such as "it is evident that" and "to illustrate" are used, but they are not enough to create a rich tapestry of varied structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "to be specific" or "in conclusion," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses to create more complex ideas. Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add variety and depth to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the logcially personal perspective" contain spelling errors that undermine the professionalism of the writing. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation, such as missing commas in compound sentences (e.g., "if they minimize the chances of failure and harm" could benefit from a comma before "and"). The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "being official of a government owned organization," which should be "an official in a government-owned organization."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors. A strategy could be to read the essay aloud to catch mistakes or to use grammar-checking tools. Furthermore, practicing specific grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and proper article usage, will help solidify understanding and application in writing. Regularly reviewing common grammatical structures and their correct usage can also aid in reducing errors in future essays.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and attempts to engage with the topic, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will be crucial for achieving a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

In our society, it seems that there are two divergent groups of people. Some are risk-averse, while others are a proportion of risk-takers. In this essay, a deeper analysis of this phenomenon will be undertaken, including my personal perspective. When it comes to the former, it is stability and predictability that they can grasp in their lives. To be specific, they can lead a secure and comfortable life if they minimize the chances of failure and harm. To illustrate, if some graduates are offered a wide range of career options, such as working in a small company in their city, holding a position in an international company, or being an official of a government-owned organization, they often make a decision in favor of the last one because they believe they will receive long-term benefits, which makes them feel that they have a sense of control.

However, I am more persuaded by the latter due to the following reasons. It is evident that risk-takers who experience new challenges can also foster personal growth and self-discovery. In other words, by fully leveraging their experiences, they can pursue career advancement and professional development. For instance, as previously mentioned, after graduating from university, if students are willing to apply for an international company, they might have the opportunity to meet individuals from diverse backgrounds, explore new approaches, and understand global issues from various viewpoints.

In conclusion, while belonging to the group of risk-averse individuals may lead people to make great contributions to their society, I stand by the risk-takers.