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Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

People have different opinions about whether it's unfair to pay celebrities more than people in other jobs. In my opinion, I totally disagree with this idea. My essay would provide some major reasons to clarify my perspective.
The first reason why I am not convinced by the given statement is that the lives of celebrities will not be private and comfortable. For example, singers, artists or actors are always at high risk of being stalked by others to pry into their secrets or worse, make things up, like being pregnant or dead. This negatively affects the image of famous people and is also the cause of many unfortunate events that have happened. Therefore, it is quite reasonable for them to receive higher salaries than others.
In addition, another reason for not approving the statement is that entertainment is extremely competitive and harsh. In fact, stars have to spend a lot of time and effort practicing and have no time to rest just to have the perfect work to serve the needs and interests of fans. To put that in context, famous artists in Korea, before releasing a music video, have to practice singing and dancing intensively, to the point that the studio is their house. Because of these efforts, they rightfully have a high source of income.
In conclusion, I am in support of the disagreeing sides of this view for a range of rationales which have just been taken into account. There should be further consideration on this issue because celebrities who have no privacy and are constantly growing should receive a salary worthy of what they put in.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "People have different opinions about whether it’s unfair to pay celebrities more than people in other jobs." -> "Individuals hold varying perspectives on the fairness of compensating celebrities more than individuals in other professions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and avoids the colloquial expression "people have different opinions" by employing "individuals hold varying perspectives." Additionally, the phrase "in other jobs" is replaced with "in other professions" for a more academic tone.

  2. "In my opinion, I totally disagree with this idea." -> "Personally, I strongly dissent from this notion."
    Explanation: The term "totally disagree" is replaced with "strongly dissent" for a more formal and assertive expression. The introductory phrase is modified to "Personally" to maintain a formal yet personal tone.

  3. "My essay would provide some major reasons to clarify my perspective." -> "This essay will present significant reasons to elucidate my viewpoint."
    Explanation: The phrase "My essay would provide" is refined to "This essay will present," offering a more direct and formal statement. "Some major reasons" is replaced with "significant reasons" for a more precise and academic choice of words.

  4. "The first reason why I am not convinced by the given statement is that the lives of celebrities will not be private and comfortable." -> "Primarily, I am unconvinced by the stated proposition due to the lack of privacy and comfort in the lives of celebrities."
    Explanation: The introductory phrase is refined to "Primarily, I am unconvinced," enhancing formality. "Given statement" is replaced with "stated proposition," contributing to a more precise and academic expression.

  5. "For example, singers, artists or actors are always at high risk of being stalked by others to pry into their secrets or worse, make things up, like being pregnant or dead." -> "For instance, singers, artists, and actors consistently face a heightened risk of being stalked, leading to unwarranted intrusion into their private lives or, in more extreme cases, the fabrication of false information, such as pregnancies or deaths."
    Explanation: The sentence is revised for clarity and formality. The phrase "make things up" is substituted with "the fabrication of false information," offering a more sophisticated expression.

  6. "This negatively affects the image of famous people and is also the cause of many unfortunate events that have happened." -> "This adversely impacts the public image of renowned individuals and has been a catalyst for numerous unfortunate incidents."
    Explanation: The phrase "negatively affects" is replaced with "adversely impacts" for a more formal tone. "Is also the cause of many unfortunate events that have happened" is refined to "has been a catalyst for numerous unfortunate incidents" for conciseness and formality.

  7. "Therefore, it is quite reasonable for them to receive higher salaries than others." -> "Hence, it is justifiable for them to command higher remuneration compared to their counterparts."
    Explanation: The term "quite reasonable" is substituted with "justifiable," elevating the formality of the sentence. "Receive higher salaries than others" is refined to "command higher remuneration compared to their counterparts" for precision and academic style.

  8. "In addition, another reason for not approving the statement is that entertainment is extremely competitive and harsh." -> "Furthermore, another rationale for dissenting from the statement lies in the highly competitive and demanding nature of the entertainment industry."
    Explanation: The phrase "for not approving the statement" is refined to "for dissenting from the statement," offering a more formal expression. "Entertainment is extremely competitive and harsh" is elaborated as "the highly competitive and demanding nature of the entertainment industry" for clarity and precision.

  9. "In fact, stars have to spend a lot of time and effort practicing and have no time to rest just to have the perfect work to serve the needs and interests of fans." -> "Indeed, celebrities must dedicate substantial time and effort to rigorous practice, leaving little room for respite, all in pursuit of creating flawless works that cater to the demands and interests of their fanbase."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for formality and precision. The phrase "In fact" is replaced with "Indeed," and "stars" is substituted with "celebrities" for a more sophisticated expression.

  10. "Because of these efforts, they rightfully have a high source of income." -> "Owing to these endeavors, they rightly command a substantial income."
    Explanation: The phrase "Because of these efforts" is refined to "Owing to these endeavors," contributing to a more formal tone. "Have a high source of income" is replaced with "rightly command a substantial income" for precision and formality.

  11. "In conclusion, I am in support of the disagreeing sides of this view for a range of rationales which have just been taken into account." -> "In conclusion, I align with the opposing perspectives of this viewpoint based on a variety of considerations that have been thoroughly examined."
    Explanation: The phrase "I am in support of the disagreeing sides of this view" is refined to "I align with the opposing perspectives of this viewpoint," offering a more formal and concise expression. "For a range of rationales which have just been taken into account" is replaced with "based on a variety of considerations that have been thoroughly examined" for clarity and precision.

  12. "There should be further consideration on this issue because celebrities who have no privacy and are constantly growing should receive a salary worthy of what they put in." -> "Further deliberation on this matter is warranted, as celebrities, who endure a lack of privacy and continuous professional growth, should be remunerated commensurate with their contributions."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for formality and precision. "There should be further consideration on this issue" is replaced with "Further deliberation on this matter is warranted," and "receive a salary worthy of what they put in" is refined to "be remunerated commensurate with their contributions" for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It presents a clear disagreement with the idea that celebrities are paid too much and supports this perspective with reasons.
    • How to improve: While the essay successfully answers the question, providing more depth and complexity in the analysis of each reason could enhance the overall quality of the response. Expanding on the potential consequences of invasion of privacy or providing real-world examples could strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position, stating unequivocally that the author disagrees with the idea of celebrities being paid too much. Each paragraph reinforces this stance.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the author could consider incorporating a strong thesis statement at the beginning that clearly outlines the main reasons for their disagreement. This would provide a roadmap for the reader and enhance overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively. It provides two distinct reasons, the invasion of privacy and the demanding nature of the entertainment industry, to justify the viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To enhance the depth of the essay, the author might consider providing specific examples or statistics to illustrate the impact of privacy invasion on celebrities. Additionally, elaborating on the harshness of the entertainment industry and its competitive nature with concrete examples would strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the reasons why celebrities deserve their high salaries. However, there is a brief mention of the need for further consideration, which slightly deviates from the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid introducing new elements in the conclusion. Instead, reiterate the main reasons and emphasize the overall stance on the issue.

Overall, this essay is well-structured and effectively conveys the author’s disagreement with the idea that celebrities are paid too much. To improve, the author can deepen the analysis of each reason, incorporate specific examples, and ensure the conclusion reinforces the main argument without introducing new elements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It opens with a clear thesis statement and follows a coherent structure with each paragraph presenting a distinct reason supporting the author’s opinion. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the transition from the first to the second reason could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear and sequential development of the presented arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness vary. The opening paragraph introduces the thesis effectively, and subsequent paragraphs each focus on a distinct supporting point. However, the essay could benefit from more elaboration within paragraphs to fully develop the presented ideas.
    • How to improve: Encourage the expansion of each paragraph by providing more detailed examples or explanations. This will contribute to a more thorough exploration of each supporting point and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices, such as transition words ("for example," "in addition," "in conclusion"), aiding in the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. The essay relies on a limited set of connectors, impacting the diversity and sophistication of the essay’s cohesive structure.
    • How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used, including synonyms for common transition words and phrases. This will not only improve the essay’s overall cohesion but also contribute to a more sophisticated and engaging writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization of ideas within paragraphs and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While the author effectively uses words like "unfortunate events," "rationales," and "intensively," there is room for improvement in diversifying the lexical choices. Repeated use of certain words, like "reason" and "famous," limits the overall richness of vocabulary. Additionally, some phrases are a bit formulaic, and more varied expressions could enhance the overall quality.

    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring different expressions to convey similar ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "reason," try alternatives like "justification" or "rationale." Exploring various ways to articulate ideas can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated writing style.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary adequately, but there are instances where more precise word choices could be beneficial. For example, the phrase "to clarify my perspective" could be refined for greater precision. Additionally, the term "no privacy" might benefit from a more nuanced expression to capture the multifaceted nature of privacy invasion experienced by celebrities.

    • How to improve: Aim for more precise and contextually fitting vocabulary. Instead of "clarify," consider using "articulate" or "elaborate" to convey a more precise meaning. For the concept of "no privacy," delve into specific aspects such as constant scrutiny, intrusion, or intrusion into personal matters, providing a more detailed and accurate description.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where small errors, such as "source" instead of "sacrifice," can be identified. While these do not significantly hinder comprehension, refining these areas would contribute to a more polished presentation.

    • How to improve: Regular proofreading is essential to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors for a thorough review. Additionally, paying meticulous attention to details during the revision process can help eliminate these minor spelling discrepancies.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences. It effectively uses transitional phrases and connectors to enhance coherence. For instance, the essay starts with a declarative sentence, employs complex sentences in the body paragraphs, and concludes with a summarizing statement. However, the essay could benefit from more variety in sentence beginnings and lengths to further engage the reader.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences, varying the placement of dependent and independent clauses. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion to add sophistication to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with a few minor errors. For example, there is an instance of a missing article in "the cause of many unfortunate events." Punctuation is used correctly, but there are instances where sentence structures could be refined for better clarity. For instance, the sentence "My essay would provide some major reasons to clarify my perspective" could be revised for a more direct and concise expression of the main idea.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to articles (a, an, the) to ensure they are used appropriately. Additionally, aim for conciseness in expressing ideas. In the example provided, consider revising the sentence to something like "This essay will present key reasons supporting my perspective." This not only reduces wordiness but also enhances clarity. Lastly, proofread for other minor grammatical errors to elevate the overall accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

People hold different opinions on whether it is unfair to compensate celebrities more than individuals in other professions. Personally, I strongly disagree with this notion. This essay will present significant reasons to elucidate my viewpoint.

Primarily, I am unconvinced by the stated proposition due to the lack of privacy and comfort in the lives of celebrities. For instance, singers, artists, and actors consistently face a heightened risk of being stalked, leading to unwarranted intrusion into their private lives or, in more extreme cases, the fabrication of false information, such as pregnancies or deaths. This adversely impacts the public image of renowned individuals and has been a catalyst for numerous unfortunate incidents. Hence, it is justifiable for them to command higher remuneration compared to their counterparts.

Furthermore, another rationale for dissenting from the statement lies in the highly competitive and demanding nature of the entertainment industry. Indeed, celebrities must dedicate substantial time and effort to rigorous practice, leaving little room for respite, all in pursuit of creating flawless works that cater to the demands and interests of their fanbase. Owing to these endeavors, they rightly command a substantial income.

In conclusion, I align with the opposing perspectives of this viewpoint based on a variety of considerations that have been thoroughly examined. Further deliberation on this matter is warranted, as celebrities, who endure a lack of privacy and continuous professional growth, should be remunerated commensurate with their contributions.

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