Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

It is a fact that most celebrities are wealthy because they receive high salaries. Some people argue that this is absurd and unfair. But I personally disagree. They deserve this money for their talent and hard work. In this essay, I will clarify my viewpoint.
First of all, being famous means sacrificing privacy. Compared to the general public, celebrities are always in a state of being photographed, followed, and having personal information leaked such as phone numbers and home addresses. The consequences are very severe, it has caused many people to die from too much pressure. In addition, celebrities are people who are of interest to the public, just one mistake can ruin their entire career. For example, if you say something that displeases the public, you will immediately face criticism, even calls for expulsion from the entertainment industry, and risk losing the future you have worked so hard to build. Given the above perspectives, celebrities deserved to be paid handsomely for their effort.
Last but not least, It is undeniable that stars are worthy of higher salaries because they work very hard to bring us positive mental value. The songs we listen to, the movies and shows we watch after working hard are all products created by famous people to bring joy and entertainment to the audience. Furthermore, the money they earn from music performances, game shows, or advertising photo shoots is the result of their hard work. The awards they won are also parts of that achievement. Therefore, recognizing their achievements with substantial monetary value is a way to reward their unique contributions to society.
In conclusion, I fully support paying more money to well-known people because becoming a celebrity is not an easy feat.

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Errors and Improvements:

"It is a fact that most celebrities are wealthy because they receive high salaries." -> "It is evident that most celebrities amass wealth through substantial salaries."
Explanation: Replacing "It is a fact" with "It is evident" adds a touch of formality, and substituting "are wealthy because they receive" with "amass wealth through substantial" introduces a more sophisticated expression without losing clarity.
"Some people argue that this is absurd and unfair." -> "Some contend that this remuneration is unjust and inequitable."
Explanation: The replacement of "argue" with "contend" and the transformation of "absurd and unfair" into "unjust and inequitable" enhances the academic tone and precision of the statement.
"But I personally disagree." -> "However, I hold a differing perspective."
Explanation: The substitution of "But I personally disagree" with "However, I hold a differing perspective" maintains formality and introduces a more nuanced expression of disagreement.
"In this essay, I will clarify my viewpoint." -> "In this essay, I will elucidate my standpoint."
Explanation: Replacing "clarify my viewpoint" with "elucidate my standpoint" contributes to a more formal and precise articulation of the author’s intention.
"First of all, being famous means sacrificing privacy." -> "Primarily, achieving fame necessitates sacrificing one’s privacy."
Explanation: The substitution of "First of all" with "Primarily" and "being famous means" with "achieving fame necessitates" elevates the language, making it more academically appropriate.
"Compared to the general public, celebrities are always in a state of being photographed, followed, and having personal information leaked such as phone numbers and home addresses." -> "In contrast to the general public, celebrities constantly contend with being photographed, surveilled, and experiencing the compromise of personal information, including phone numbers and home addresses."
Explanation: The revision introduces more varied vocabulary and complex structures, aligning with academic style, while maintaining clarity.
"The consequences are very severe, it has caused many people to die from too much pressure." -> "The repercussions are extremely severe, leading to fatal outcomes due to overwhelming pressure."
Explanation: Substituting "very severe" with "extremely severe" and rephrasing the second part for conciseness and precision enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.
"For example, if you say something that displeases the public, you will immediately face criticism, even calls for expulsion from the entertainment industry, and risk losing the future you have worked so hard to build." -> "For instance, uttering statements that displease the public can prompt immediate criticism, even calls for expulsion from the entertainment industry, jeopardizing the hard-earned future one has meticulously constructed."
Explanation: The replacement of "For example" with "For instance" and the restructuring of the sentence contribute to a more formal and precise expression.
"Given the above perspectives, celebrities deserved to be paid handsomely for their effort." -> "Considering the aforementioned perspectives, celebrities deserve to be generously remunerated for their endeavors."
Explanation: The change from "Given the above perspectives" to "Considering the aforementioned perspectives" and "deserved" to "deserve" maintains formality and aligns with academic style.
"Last but not least, It is undeniable that stars are worthy of higher salaries because they work very hard to bring us positive mental value." -> "Lastly, it is undeniable that stars merit higher salaries due to their diligent efforts in providing positive mental value to audiences."
Explanation: The removal of "It is" before "undeniable," and the rephrasing for clarity and precision, enhance the formal tone and academic appropriateness of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the debate surrounding celebrities’ high salaries and presents a clear stance in disagreement, providing reasons to support the viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing a brief outline in the introduction that explicitly mentions the different perspectives on the issue to show a comprehensive understanding of the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently expressing disagreement with the notion that celebrities are paid too much. Examples such as the sacrifice of privacy and the positive mental value they bring are effectively used to support this stance.
- How to improve: Ensure that the thesis statement in the introduction explicitly states the position to enhance clarity for the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples, such as the sacrifice of privacy and the positive impact on mental well-being. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion on the consequences of the sacrifice of privacy and provide more detailed examples of the positive mental value celebrities bring to strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons why celebrities deserve their high salaries. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing the consequences of saying something displeasing.
- How to improve: Maintain a stronger connection to the main argument by either expanding on how criticism relates to their salary or omitting details that do not directly contribute to the central theme.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position with supporting examples. To improve, it could enhance clarity in the introduction, provide more detailed examples for certain points, and ensure a more seamless connection between ideas to avoid slight deviations from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the second paragraph could be more effectively structured. It starts with the consequences of celebrity life and then discusses the public’s interest, making the flow slightly disjointed. To enhance logical organization, consider reordering the points or providing a smoother transition between the two aspects.
- How to improve: To improve logical flow, consider starting the paragraph by introducing the public’s interest and the challenges celebrities face. Then, delve into the consequences, providing a seamless connection between the ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas, which is commendable. However, the second paragraph is quite lengthy, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument seamlessly. Breaking it into smaller, focused paragraphs would enhance readability.
- How to improve: Divide the second paragraph into two or more smaller paragraphs. Each paragraph should address a specific aspect, maintaining a clear and concise structure. This will facilitate a smoother reading experience and better highlight individual points.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," and "last but not least," providing a sense of structure. However, there is room for improvement in terms of utilizing a broader range of cohesive devices. More transitional phrases and cohesive devices, such as "however," "moreover," or "in addition," can be integrated to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs more effectively. For instance, use transition words to signify contrasts, comparisons, and additional points. This will create a more cohesive and sophisticated essay structure.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization of information, optimizing paragraph structure, and incorporating a wider array of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, such as "absurd," "severe," "expulsion," "substantial," etc. However, some repetition is noticeable, and a more diverse vocabulary could enhance the overall lexical resource.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating a broader array of synonyms and exploring more nuanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of frequently using "hard work," explore alternatives like diligence, dedication, or perseverance. Additionally, introduce varied vocabulary to express agreement or disagreement, avoiding overreliance on phrases like "I personally disagree."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately but occasionally relies on imprecise language. For example, the use of "It is a fact" could be refined to present the argument more assertively. Additionally, the term "positive mental value" is somewhat ambiguous and might benefit from a more specific expression.
- How to improve: Strive for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of using broad phrases like "It is a fact," confidently state your perspective. For "positive mental value," consider specifying how celebrities contribute to mental well-being through their art, such as "emotional enrichment" or "uplifting content."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay, with no major issues observed.
- How to improve: Maintain the good spelling practice. Proofreading and spell-checking tools can be useful to catch any potential errors. Additionally, pay attention to word forms (e.g., "recognized" instead of "recognizing") to ensure consistency.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a reasonable level of lexical resource, enhancing vocabulary diversity, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy can elevate the overall quality. Consider incorporating more nuanced expressions and refining imprecise terms to make the arguments more compelling and clear.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is a mix of compound sentences and complex sentences using subordinating conjunctions. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures, such as inversion or parallelism, to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To further elevate the grammatical range, consider incorporating advanced sentence structures like inversion for emphasis or parallelism for rhetorical effect. For instance, using parallel structures in supporting arguments can enhance the overall coherence and impact of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits solid grammatical accuracy with only a few minor errors. For example, there is a missing article in the phrase "for their talent and hard work" (it should be "for their talent and for hard work"). Additionally, the use of commas and conjunctions is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to articles, ensuring they are used consistently. Additionally, continue to employ commas judiciously to aid clarity and sentence flow. Reviewing sentence structure for complexity can also help refine the use of punctuation.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammar and a reasonably diverse range of sentence structures. Strengthening the use of sophisticated structures and refining minor grammatical points will contribute to a more polished and nuanced expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that most celebrities amass wealth through substantial salaries. Some contend that this remuneration is unjust and inequitable. However, I hold a differing perspective. In this essay, I will elucidate my standpoint.

Primarily, achieving fame necessitates sacrificing one’s privacy. In contrast to the general public, celebrities constantly contend with being photographed, surveilled, and experiencing the compromise of personal information, including phone numbers and home addresses. The repercussions are extremely severe, leading to fatal outcomes due to overwhelming pressure. For instance, uttering statements that displease the public can prompt immediate criticism, even calls for expulsion from the entertainment industry, jeopardizing the hard-earned future one has meticulously constructed.

Considering the aforementioned perspectives, celebrities deserve to be generously remunerated for their endeavors. Lastly, it is undeniable that stars merit higher salaries due to their diligent efforts in providing positive mental value to audiences.