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Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that there are many jobs such as singers, actresses or sports athletes that make a lot of money nowadays. But many people believe that health experts and educators should be well-paid jobs rather than other careers. In my perspective, I agree with this conclusion for some reasons below.

To begin with, all careers need to be trained by teachers. If students want to be successful in their fields, they should study with a good education. Thus, increasing paid for lectures can enhance quality for educated society. Moreover, teachers donate their time and lifes to aid students. In other words, they monitor and provide directions to help students reach their goals. Hence, it is necessary that instructors should have higher living standards.

On the other hand, health care is a crucial part when medical professionals are faced directly in saving lives and treating patients. In practice, many medical students study exceeding 10 years to become the official doctors or nurses. Not only that, they usually study and work from early morning 6 a.m to late night 6 p.m so it is worthwhile for them to have a higher salary. Although entertainment fields can reduce stress and provide well-being for customers, medical fields solve life-threatening problems for society. Hence, doctors and nurses should be well-paid to enhance the quality of healthcare and increase the number of medical professionals.

In conclusion, I believe that it is more crucial to have a well-paid job for those working in education and health fields. The government should provide more benefits like reducing tax or increasing income for them.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There is no doubt that there are many jobs such as singers, actresses or sports athletes that make a lot of money nowadays." -> "Undoubtedly, numerous professions, including singers, actors, and sports athletes, are highly lucrative in the present era."
    Explanation: The suggested revision introduces a more formal and sophisticated expression ("Undoubtedly") and provides a more concise and refined list of professions.

  2. "But many people believe that health experts and educators should be well-paid jobs rather than other careers." -> "However, a prevalent belief is that health professionals and educators should be well-compensated, surpassing other professions."
    Explanation: The use of "prevalent belief" adds formality, and rephrasing to "well-compensated" and "surpassing other professions" enhances precision and academic tone.

  3. "In my perspective, I agree with this conclusion for some reasons below." -> "From my standpoint, I concur with this assertion for the reasons outlined below."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "In my perspective" with the more formal "From my standpoint" and substitutes "agree" with "concur" for a more academic tone.

  4. "To begin with, all careers need to be trained by teachers." -> "Firstly, all professions require guidance from educators."
    Explanation: The change introduces "Firstly" for a more structured transition, and "require guidance from educators" is a more formal way of expressing the idea.

  5. "Thus, increasing paid for lectures can enhance quality for educated society." -> "Therefore, augmenting compensation for lectures can elevate the overall quality of an educated society."
    Explanation: The revision employs a more formal transition ("Therefore") and replaces "enhance" with "elevate" for a more sophisticated expression.

  6. "Moreover, teachers donate their time and lifes to aid students." -> "Furthermore, teachers devote their time and lives to assist students."
    Explanation: The substitution of "donate" with "devote" and the adjustment to "aid" to "assist" contribute to a more formal and precise language use.

  7. "In other words, they monitor and provide directions to help students reach their goals." -> "In essence, they oversee and offer guidance to facilitate students in achieving their objectives."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the colloquial "In other words" with "In essence" and uses more formal expressions like "oversee" and "facilitate."

  8. "Hence, it is necessary that instructors should have higher living standards." -> "Consequently, it is imperative that instructors maintain elevated living standards."
    Explanation: The change from "Hence" to "Consequently" enhances formality, and the rephrasing provides a more direct and formal expression.

  9. "On the other hand, health care is a crucial part when medical professionals are faced directly in saving lives and treating patients." -> "Conversely, healthcare plays a pivotal role when medical professionals are directly engaged in saving lives and treating patients."
    Explanation: The suggested revision introduces "Conversely" for a more formal transition and employs a more structured and formal expression of the idea.

  10. "In practice, many medical students study exceeding 10 years to become the official doctors or nurses." -> "Practically, numerous medical students undergo over 10 years of education to attain the status of licensed doctors or nurses."
    Explanation: The change from "In practice" to "Practically" adds formality, and the rephrasing provides a more precise and formal description of the duration of medical education.

  11. "Not only that, they usually study and work from early morning 6 a.m to late night 6 p.m so it is worthwhile for them to have a higher salary." -> "Moreover, they typically dedicate themselves to studying and working from early morning, 6 a.m., to late night, 6 p.m., justifying the merit of a higher salary."
    Explanation: The revision introduces "Moreover" for a smoother transition, and the use of "justify the merit" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression.

  12. "Although entertainment fields can reduce stress and provide well-being for customers, medical fields solve life-threatening problems for society." -> "While entertainment sectors may alleviate stress and enhance well-being for consumers, the medical domain addresses society’s life-threatening challenges."
    Explanation: The change from "Although" to "While" enhances the transition, and the rephrasing provides a more formal and precise expression of the contrasting ideas.

  13. "Hence, doctors and nurses should be well-paid to enhance the quality of healthcare and increase the number of medical professionals." -> "Therefore, it is imperative to remunerate doctors and nurses adequately to improve the quality of healthcare and attract a greater number of medical professionals."
    Explanation: The replacement of "Hence" with "Therefore" improves the formality of the conclusion, and the rephrasing provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "To begin with, all careers need to be trained by teachers. If students want to be successful in their fields, they should study with a good education. Thus, increasing paid for lectures can enhance quality for educated society."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This paragraph outlines the importance of teachers in training individuals for their careers. However, the connection between teachers’ salaries and the enhancement of educational quality could be clearer. Instead of stating the general need for good education, you could elaborate on how better-paid teachers attract more qualified professionals, ultimately benefiting students’ learning experiences. For instance, emphasizing that higher salaries could entice more skilled individuals to join the teaching profession, thereby improving the quality of education due to their expertise and dedication.
    • Improved example: "Teachers play a pivotal role in shaping future professionals across all fields. By offering competitive salaries to educators, the education sector can attract and retain highly qualified individuals. This, in turn, directly impacts the quality of education as experienced and dedicated teachers impart not just knowledge but also practical insights crucial for students’ success in their respective careers."
  2. Quoted text: "Moreover, teachers donate their time and lifes to aid students. In other words, they monitor and provide directions to help students reach their goals. Hence, it is necessary that instructors should have higher living standards."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While highlighting the selfless dedication of teachers, it’s essential to tie this to the argument about their remuneration. Rather than solely focusing on their altruistic efforts, connect this dedication to why they deserve higher pay. For instance, you could emphasize that the dedication of teachers often involves extensive hours spent outside of class preparing lessons, grading papers, and providing additional support to ensure students’ success. This justifies the need for better compensation to acknowledge their commitment and efforts.
    • Improved example: "Teachers invest significant time beyond their formal working hours, meticulously planning lessons, offering extra support, and evaluating students’ progress. Acknowledging this commitment through increased compensation not only validates their dedication but also ensures a comfortable living standard, motivating them to continually excel in their roles."

Overall, your essay adequately addresses the task and presents coherent arguments regarding the importance of better pay for teachers and healthcare professionals. However, further development in connecting the impact of increased salaries to the quality of education and healthcare would strengthen your arguments. Also, refining the linkage between teachers’ dedication and the rationale behind higher pay could elevate the persuasiveness of your points.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at organization and progression of ideas, yet the coherence and cohesion aspects lack consistent strength throughout the text. The introduction sets the context adequately, but the development of ideas within paragraphs and across the essay lacks clarity and coherence. The essay lacks consistent logical progression, resulting in some disjointedness within and between paragraphs. There are instances where cohesive devices are used ineffectively or with inconsistencies, impacting the overall flow and coherence. Paragraphing is attempted but is not always logically structured, leading to a somewhat disjointed presentation.

How to improve:

  1. Structural Organization: Ensure a clearer structural framework for the essay. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and follow a logical sequence to enhance coherence.
  2. Cohesive Devices: Increase the use of cohesive devices more consistently and accurately to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure the proper use of transitional words/phrases for smoother connectivity.
  3. Paragraphing: Work on organizing thoughts logically within each paragraph, maintaining coherence within and between them. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and coherent supporting details.
  4. Language Clarity: Enhance clarity in expressing ideas. Avoid ambiguous or convoluted sentences to facilitate a smoother flow of information.

Improving these aspects will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, making it more cohesive and logically structured, thereby potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonably good command of vocabulary. There is a sufficient range of words used, allowing for flexibility and precision. The writer attempts to incorporate less common lexical items, showcasing some awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively conveys the arguments with a mix of common and more advanced vocabulary.

How to improve:

  1. Word Choice and Collocation: Continue to expand your vocabulary and pay attention to the nuances of word usage and collocation. This will further enhance the sophistication of your language.

  2. Proofreading: Take extra care in proofreading to eliminate occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. Precision in language use is crucial for achieving a higher band score.

  3. Sentence Structure: Work on varying sentence structures for added fluency and coherence. This can contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Overall, a strong effort, but refining vocabulary usage and addressing minor language errors will contribute to a more polished and higher-scoring essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there are instances of good grammar and punctuation, there are also noticeable errors that, although present, do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but the execution is inconsistent. For instance, in the second paragraph, there is an error in the phrase "increasing paid for lectures," and there are issues with punctuation throughout the essay, such as "lifes" instead of "lives." Additionally, there are awkward sentence constructions that slightly impact the overall coherence.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring proper punctuation. Paying closer attention to detail, such as using correct verb forms and choosing appropriate vocabulary, can elevate the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, a thorough proofreading to catch and rectify errors will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There’s no denying that professions like singers, actors, and sports stars rake in substantial earnings today. However, a prevalent belief exists that healthcare professionals and educators ought to be compensated better than individuals in other careers. From my standpoint, I concur with this assertion for a few reasons outlined below.

Firstly, every profession relies on the guidance imparted by educators. Success in any field hinges on receiving quality education. Therefore, elevating the remuneration for teachers can significantly bolster the overall standard of education in society. Additionally, teachers dedicate their time and lives to nurturing students. They serve as mentors, offering guidance to steer students toward achieving their aspirations. Consequently, it’s imperative to afford educators a higher standard of living.

On another note, healthcare plays a pivotal role as medical practitioners directly engage in preserving lives and providing patient care. In reality, many medical students dedicate over a decade to become certified doctors or nurses. Moreover, they typically endure rigorous schedules, often working from the early hours of 6 a.m. to late evenings at 6 p.m. Hence, it’s justifiable for them to receive higher salaries. While entertainment fields alleviate stress and contribute to people’s well-being, the medical domain addresses critical, life-threatening issues within society. Hence, doctors and nurses merit increased compensation to augment healthcare quality and attract more professionals to the field.

To sum up, I firmly believe that prioritizing better compensation for those in the education and healthcare sectors is crucial. Governments should consider offering more benefits such as reduced taxes or increased income for professionals in these domains.

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