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Environmental damage is the problem of most countries. What factors damage the environment and who should take responsibility?

Environmental damage is the problem of most countries. What factors damage the environment and who should take responsibility?

Environmental devastation is becoming the major concern of the majority of countries in the world. I believe that humans, being the primary catalyst, drive environmental degradation due to overpopulation.

There are numerous underlying reasons to cause the environmental impact, but overpopulation is one of the main reasons that contribute to these problems. To develop more accommodation and infrastructure that serve for expanding population scale, people clear and burn a thousand hectares of forest. Rainforest Amazon which is a biodiversity hotspot also experiencing the devastating consequences of widespread forest clearing and logging activities carried out by human beings. As a result, a variety of animal and plant faces completely disappear due to the rapid decline of house and food and the ecological climate is inevitable. Additionally, the Rainforest Amazon plays a vital role in absorbing and storing carbon dioxide, thereby reducing greenhouse gas levels in the atmosphere. However, the destruction of this vital ecosystem releases vast amounts of CO2 emissions into the atmosphere. Such a situation and the increasing amount of transport which emit CO2 emissions will contribute to global warming and climate change all over the world. For example, the El nino phenomenon as we can see in 2023 behind the longer summer as well as shorter winter which various countries have to suffer heavy consequences.

Human beings are the root cause behind all the consequences of the environment. I suppose that both the authorities and individuals need to combine with each other to solve these problems. The authorities need to introduce laws to limit the carbon dioxide emissions that impose “green taxes" on drivers and air planes. They must improve the choice of public transport services available for travelers in which sufficient skytrains and underground trains systems were built and effectively maintained. As individuals, we should also try to limit contribution to climate change and become more energy efficient by turning off the light when unnecessary, by optimizing the renewed energy, by separating all waste into the different bins, by swift to use electric transport which is quieter and cleaner to use.

In conclusion, the deterioration of the ecosystem is the result of countless human activities in social and economic aspects.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Environmental devastation is becoming the major concern of the majority of countries in the world." -> "Environmental degradation is emerging as a primary concern for the majority of nations globally."
    Explanation: Replacing "devastation" with "degradation" and restructuring the sentence improves formality and precision in describing the global concern.

  2. "I believe that humans, being the primary catalyst, drive environmental degradation due to overpopulation." -> "I posit that human activities, as the primary catalyst, contribute significantly to environmental degradation, primarily through overpopulation."
    Explanation: Introducing "posit" adds a touch of formality, and rephrasing the sentence for clarity enhances the academic tone.

  3. "There are numerous underlying reasons to cause the environmental impact, but overpopulation is one of the main reasons that contribute to these problems." -> "Various underlying factors contribute to environmental impact, with overpopulation standing out as a significant contributor to these challenges."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence eliminates redundancy and replaces informal phrasing with a more sophisticated expression.

  4. "To develop more accommodation and infrastructure that serve for expanding population scale, people clear and burn a thousand hectares of forest." -> "To accommodate the expanding population, individuals engage in clearing and burning vast hectares of forests for infrastructure development."
    Explanation: Reframing the sentence improves clarity and aligns with academic style by using more formal language.

  5. "Rainforest Amazon which is a biodiversity hotspot also experiencing the devastating consequences of widespread forest clearing and logging activities carried out by human beings." -> "The Amazon Rainforest, a biodiversity hotspot, is also enduring severe consequences due to widespread forest clearing and logging activities conducted by humans."
    Explanation: Adding "The" before "Amazon Rainforest" and rephrasing for coherence enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

  6. "faces completely disappear due to the rapid decline of house and food and the ecological climate is inevitable." -> "face complete extinction due to the rapid depletion of habitat and resources, rendering the ecological balance inevitable."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence and replacing informal terms with more precise alternatives improves the academic tone.

  7. "Such a situation and the increasing amount of transport which emit CO2 emissions will contribute to global warming and climate change all over the world." -> "This scenario, coupled with the escalating volume of transportation emitting CO2 emissions, will exacerbate global warming and contribute to climate change worldwide."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for coherence and using more formal language enhances the academic tone.

  8. "For example, the El nino phenomenon as we can see in 2023 behind the longer summer as well as shorter winter which various countries have to suffer heavy consequences." -> "For instance, the El Niño phenomenon observed in 2023 resulted in prolonged summers and abbreviated winters, inflicting severe consequences on various countries."
    Explanation: Enhancing sentence structure and using more formal language improves the clarity and academic style of the example.

  9. "Human beings are the root cause behind all the consequences of the environment." -> "Human activities constitute the primary cause of environmental consequences."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence and avoiding redundancy improves formality and precision.

  10. "I suppose that both the authorities and individuals need to combine with each other to solve these problems." -> "I contend that a collaborative effort between authorities and individuals is essential to address these issues."
    Explanation: Introducing "contend" adds formality, and rephrasing the sentence enhances the academic tone.

  11. "They must improve the choice of public transport services available for travelers in which sufficient skytrains and underground trains systems were built and effectively maintained." -> "Authorities must enhance the range of public transportation options for travelers, ensuring the construction and effective maintenance of adequate skytrain and underground train systems."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using more formal language improves the academic tone.

  12. "by swift to use electric transport which is quieter and cleaner to use." -> "by swiftly transitioning to electric transport, known for its quieter and cleaner operation."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence and using more formal language enhances the academic tone.

  13. "In conclusion, the deterioration of the ecosystem is the result of countless human activities in social and economic aspects." -> "In conclusion, the degradation of the ecosystem stems from myriad human activities encompassing social and economic dimensions."
    Explanation: Substituting "deterioration" with "degradation" and refining the sentence improves formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Environmental devastation is becoming the major concern of the majority of countries in the world. I believe that humans, being the primary catalyst, drive environmental degradation due to overpopulation."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction sets a clear position that attributes environmental degradation to overpopulation. However, it lacks a concise overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. To enhance clarity, consider providing a brief roadmap of the key reasons and solutions you will explore in the body paragraphs.
    • Improved example: "Environmental devastation is a pressing global issue, primarily fueled by human activities, with overpopulation standing out as a key contributor. In this essay, I will delve into the various facets of environmental damage, highlighting the role of overpopulation and proposing collaborative solutions."
  2. Quoted text: "To develop more accommodation and infrastructure that serve for expanding population scale, people clear and burn a thousand hectares of forest. Rainforest Amazon which is a biodiversity hotspot also experiencing the devastating consequences of widespread forest clearing and logging activities carried out by human beings."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your argument about the impact of overpopulation on deforestation is well-made. However, the explanation could be more focused and concise. Specify how overpopulation directly leads to the need for more infrastructure and housing, resulting in deforestation. Additionally, provide a more specific example or elaborate on the consequences faced by the Rainforest Amazon.
    • Improved example: "The burgeoning population’s demand for expanded living spaces and infrastructure drives large-scale deforestation. For instance, the clearing of a thousand hectares of forest in the Amazon, a biodiversity hotspot, illustrates the severe consequences of human activities on the environment."
  3. Quoted text: "Additionally, the Rainforest Amazon plays a vital role in absorbing and storing carbon dioxide, thereby reducing greenhouse gas levels in the atmosphere. However, the destruction of this vital ecosystem releases vast amounts of CO2 emissions into the atmosphere."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This part effectively explains the ecological importance of the Rainforest Amazon. However, to further strengthen your argument, elaborate on the broader global consequences of increased CO2 emissions due to deforestation. Connect it explicitly to the global issue of climate change.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, the Rainforest Amazon’s role in absorbing carbon dioxide is crucial for mitigating global climate change. The destruction of this vital ecosystem not only leads to local consequences but contributes significantly to the global surge in CO2 emissions, intensifying the threat of climate change."
  4. Quoted text: "Human beings are the root cause behind all the consequences of the environment. I suppose that both the authorities and individuals need to combine with each other to solve these problems."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your conclusion emphasizes the shared responsibility of authorities and individuals, which is commendable. However, it could be strengthened by briefly summarizing the main reasons discussed in the essay and reinforcing the call for collaborative action.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, recognizing humans as the primary drivers of environmental issues, it is imperative for both authorities and individuals to join forces. By addressing the root causes, such as overpopulation and its consequences, we can collectively work towards a sustainable and ecologically responsible future."

Overall, your essay effectively addresses the prompt, but enhancing the clarity of your main points and providing more detailed examples could elevate the overall response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay exhibits a generally coherent structure with a clear overall progression of ideas. The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, providing a logical flow. There is appropriate use of cohesive devices, such as transitions and pronouns, contributing to overall coherence. However, some sentences lack clarity and exhibit mechanical cohesion, affecting the essay’s fluidity. Paragraphing is generally effective, but there are instances where the organization could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Clarity: Ensure that each sentence conveys its intended meaning clearly. Avoid overly complex structures that may hinder understanding.
  2. Cohesive Devices: While the essay uses cohesive devices, strive for more natural and varied connections between ideas. This can enhance the overall coherence.
  3. Paragraph Organization: Pay careful attention to paragraph organization. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and contributes to the overall progression of ideas. This will enhance both coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, including some less common lexical items. The writer effectively conveys the message and exhibits awareness of style and collocation. The essay discusses the environmental issues and the role of overpopulation, offering examples like deforestation in the Amazon. There is an attempt to use sophisticated vocabulary related to environmental impact and climate change. While there are a few inaccuracies and minor errors, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay maintains coherence and cohesion, presenting a logical flow of ideas.

How to improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, aim for even more precision in word choice and collocation. Double-check the accuracy of complex vocabulary and ensure it aligns seamlessly with the context. Additionally, refine the grammar to minimize occasional errors and enhance overall language control. Continue incorporating a wide range of vocabulary, and consider introducing more nuanced and varied sentence structures to further enhance lexical flexibility.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures throughout. There’s an attempt to use varied sentence forms, though some errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable. These errors don’t significantly obstruct understanding but are present enough to affect the overall clarity and precision of the message.

How to improve: To enhance the score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, focus on refining the use of complex structures with greater accuracy. Review sentence structures and ensure better precision in grammar and punctuation. Strive for more consistency and accuracy throughout the essay to improve clarity and communication. Additionally, consider revising sentence structures to incorporate more complex forms effectively while maintaining accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Environmental damage has emerged as a pressing concern for most nations globally. I strongly believe that humans, as the primary catalyst, are accountable for environmental degradation largely due to overpopulation.

There are various contributing factors to environmental impact, but overpopulation stands out as a significant driver. To accommodate and cater to the expanding population, people often clear and burn extensive forest areas, such as the biodiverse Amazon Rainforest. Unfortunately, this leads to severe consequences, causing the disappearance of numerous animal and plant species due to habitat loss and disruption of the ecological balance. The Amazon Rainforest, a crucial carbon dioxide absorber, faces destruction, resulting in the release of substantial CO2 emissions into the atmosphere. This, combined with increasing transport emissions, contributes significantly to global warming and related climate changes, as evident in phenomena like the recent 2023 El Niño event, leading to longer summers and shorter winters, with severe repercussions for various nations.

Human actions stand as the fundamental cause behind these environmental consequences. I believe that both authorities and individuals must collaborate to address these challenges. Authorities should enact laws to curb carbon dioxide emissions, implementing measures like “green taxes” on drivers and airplanes. Moreover, enhancing public transport options, including the construction and efficient maintenance of skytrains and underground systems, is crucial. Simultaneously, as individuals, we hold the responsibility to reduce our contribution to climate change. Simple steps like turning off unnecessary lights, utilizing renewable energy sources, segregating waste into appropriate bins, and transitioning to electric transportation, which is both quieter and cleaner, can collectively make a significant impact.

In conclusion, the degradation of our ecosystem results from numerous human activities, encompassing social and economic aspects. It is imperative for both authorities and individuals to join forces in mitigating these issues for a sustainable future.

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