Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?

In today's society, governments have made every effort to improve health care methods, but the overall quality of material health in advanced countries is diminishing. This problem happens due to some causes, and it can have some adverse results on society.
There are a number of reasons why the general standard of physical health in developed countries has tended to decline. Firstly, pressure of modern lifestyle. Especially, people in developed countries constantly work to increase their income and get promoted. Moreover, busy lives lead to forgetting to prepare healthy, nutritious meals. Consequently, they choose fast food to save time and meet the nature of their work. As a result, it will gradually affect their health. Secondly, dependence on modern technology. In industrialized countries, machines and technology tend to replace humans in many aspects, from production to housework. Therefore, people are living a sedentary lifestyle and neglecting physical activities leading to a decline in physical health.
The decline in physical health standards in developing countries may have a number of negative results. The first impact, people will be at risk of chronic diseases. For example, overconsumption of fast food and lack of physical activity puts people at risk of obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular disease. Since then, people have become helpless, their ability to work has decreased, and their family finances have also been significantly affected, giving rise to many economic and mental concerns. Another negative, lack of quality resources. For instance, due to health limitations, workers cannot ensure work efficiency and productivity. Furthermore, taking sick leave for many reasons from physical health also indirectly affects the company's performance, which can cause some economic damage to the company. If this situation persists, it can lead to the collapse of businesses, negatively impacting the economy.
In conclusion, the decline in physical health standards in developing countries is due to many underlying factors, which can have a number of serious effects on individuals and society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"made every effort" -> "made concerted efforts"
Explanation: "Made every effort" is a common phrase, but "made concerted efforts" adds a more formal and precise tone, indicating deliberate and focused actions by governments.
"material health" -> "physical health"
Explanation: "Material health" is not a standard term in English. "Physical health" is a more appropriate and widely understood term in this context.
"diminishing" -> "declining"
Explanation: "Diminishing" is slightly informal. "Declining" is a more formal and academically appropriate term to describe the reduction in overall quality.
"problem happens due to some causes" -> "issue arises from various factors"
Explanation: "Problem happens" is too colloquial. "Issue arises from various factors" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.
"nutritious meals" -> "nutritious diet"
Explanation: While "meals" is acceptable, "diet" is more precise and commonly used in discussions about health.
"they choose fast food to save time" -> "they opt for fast food for convenience"
Explanation: "Choose" and "save time" are somewhat informal. "Opt for" and "for convenience" maintain formality while conveying the same meaning.
"adverse results" -> "negative consequences"
Explanation: "Adverse" is formal but somewhat clinical. "Negative consequences" is a more commonly used term in academic writing.
"Firstly" -> "First and foremost"
Explanation: "Firstly" is acceptable but adding "first and foremost" adds emphasis and formality to the sequence of points.
"dependence on modern technology" -> "reliance on modern technology"
Explanation: "Dependence" implies a stronger reliance than necessary. "Reliance" is a more neutral term that better suits formal writing.
"industrialized countries" -> "developed nations"
Explanation: "Industrialized countries" is a bit outdated. "Developed nations" is a more current and precise term.
"sedentary lifestyle" -> "inactive lifestyle"
Explanation: "Sedentary" is somewhat informal. "Inactive" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
"negative results" -> "adverse consequences"
Explanation: "Negative results" is less formal. "Adverse consequences" is a more appropriate term for academic writing.
"chronic diseases" -> "chronic conditions"
Explanation: "Diseases" is somewhat clinical. "Conditions" is a broader and more encompassing term.
"Since then" -> "Consequently"
Explanation: "Since then" is slightly informal. "Consequently" is more formal and better suited for academic writing.
"their family finances have also been significantly affected" -> "their family finances have also suffered significantly"
Explanation: "Affected" is a bit vague. "Suffered" is more precise and conveys the negative impact clearly.
"giving rise to many economic and mental concerns" -> "triggering numerous economic and mental concerns"
Explanation: "Giving rise to" is slightly informal. "Triggering" is more direct and formal.
"taking sick leave" -> "taking medical leave"
Explanation: "Sick leave" is more colloquial. "Medical leave" is the formal term used in professional contexts.
"collaboration of businesses" -> "collapse of businesses"
Explanation: "Collaboration of businesses" is incorrect; "collapse of businesses" accurately conveys the intended meaning.
"underlying factors" -> "underlying causes"
Explanation: "Factors" is too broad. "Causes" is more specific and appropriate in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It identifies potential reasons for the declining standard of physical health in developed countries and discusses some of the long-term effects.
- The essay identifies two main reasons for the decline in physical health: the pressure of modern lifestyles and the dependence on modern technology. It effectively explains how these factors contribute to the deterioration of health.
- Furthermore, it discusses the long-term effects, such as the increased risk of chronic diseases and the negative impact on individuals and society.
- How to improve: While the essay covers all parts of the question, providing more specific examples or statistics could strengthen the analysis. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to one aspect of the prompt can enhance clarity and coherence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that the decline in physical health in developed countries is attributable to modern lifestyles and technology dependence.
- The thesis statement clearly outlines the stance: "the overall quality of material health in advanced countries is diminishing," and the subsequent paragraphs consistently support this position.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly restate the thesis in the conclusion, reinforcing the argument presented throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports its ideas adequately, though there is room for improvement in elaboration and support.
- Each reason for the decline in physical health is introduced and briefly explained. However, deeper analysis and more specific examples could enhance the development of ideas.
- While the essay mentions potential long-term effects, such as chronic diseases and economic impacts, further elaboration on these consequences would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Incorporating relevant studies or data to support the claims and providing more detailed examples would enrich the essay’s content and bolster the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the declining standard of physical health in developed countries and its long-term effects.
- The discussion consistently revolves around the prompt, addressing factors contributing to the decline and their potential consequences.
- How to improve: To ensure closer adherence to the topic, avoiding tangential points or overly general statements would help maintain focus and relevance throughout the essay. Additionally, connecting each paragraph explicitly to the main topic can improve coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear stance, enhancing the depth of analysis, providing more specific examples, and ensuring coherence can further strengthen the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent structure by presenting clear reasons for the decline in physical health in developed countries and then discussing the potential consequences. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect: causes of declining health in the first body paragraph and the long-term effects in the second body paragraph. The logical progression of ideas helps the reader follow the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing smoother transitions between paragraphs to strengthen the overall coherence. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea, aiding the reader in understanding the essay’s structure from the outset.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing, with distinct breaks between different ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, starting with an introductory statement and then providing supporting details. However, some paragraphs could be more developed to fully explore the ideas presented.
- How to improve: Aim to develop each paragraph fully by providing additional examples or elaborating on the existing ones. This will help strengthen the coherence within paragraphs and ensure that each idea is thoroughly explored and supported.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices adequately to connect ideas within and between sentences. Examples include the use of transitional phrases such as "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion" to signal the organization of ideas. Additionally, pronouns and demonstratives are employed effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however") and synonyms to avoid repetition. This will contribute to a smoother flow of ideas and further strengthen the coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary with varied expressions such as "modern lifestyle," "sedentary lifestyle," "chronic diseases," "work efficiency," etc. However, there is room for improvement in utilizing more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic phrases to enhance lexical diversity further. For instance, synonyms or alternative expressions for commonly used terms could enrich the vocabulary repertoire.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of "modern lifestyle," consider phrases like "contemporary societal norms" or "current cultural paradigms." Utilize synonyms such as "sedentary lifestyle" could be substituted with "inactive lifestyle" or "lack of physical engagement." Expanding vocabulary through reading diverse texts and noting down new words and phrases could aid in broadening lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately to convey ideas. For instance, terms like "chronic diseases," "sedentary lifestyle," and "fast food" are used appropriately within the context. However, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "quality resources" lacks specificity and could be replaced with a more precise term to convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: Aim for precision in vocabulary usage by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "quality resources," consider specifying the resources in question, such as "adequate healthcare facilities" or "accessible medical services." Reviewing word choices and consulting a thesaurus for alternatives can assist in selecting more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring spelling errors observed. However, there are minor instances of misspellings and typographical errors, such as "material health" instead of "physical health" and "developing countries" instead of "developed countries."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofreading the essay carefully after writing can help catch and correct spelling errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can aid in identifying and rectifying any spelling inaccuracies. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling errors before submission can contribute to improved spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences are used for straightforward statements like "This problem happens due to some causes." Compound sentences are employed to connect related ideas, as seen in "Especially, people in developed countries constantly work to increase their income and get promoted." Additionally, complex sentences are used to present more nuanced ideas, such as "Since then, people have become helpless, their ability to work has decreased, and their family finances have also been significantly affected, giving rise to many economic and mental concerns."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, which can add depth and sophistication to your writing. Also, strive for a balance between sentence types to maintain coherence and flow. Introduce techniques like parallelism and varied clause structures to add diversity and interest to your sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly detract from the clarity of expression. For example, "Firstly, pressure of modern lifestyle" could be improved to "Firstly, the pressure of modern lifestyle." Additionally, there are some punctuation errors, such as missing commas in sentences like "For example, due to health limitations, workers cannot ensure work efficiency and productivity." Furthermore, there are minor tense inconsistencies, such as switching from present tense to past tense in "Since then, people have become helpless, their ability to work has decreased, and their family finances have also been significantly affected, giving rise to many economic and mental concerns."
- How to improve: Pay closer attention to article usage and ensure consistency in verb tense throughout the essay. Consider revising awkward phrasings for clarity and precision. Additionally, proofread for punctuation errors, particularly with commas, to improve the overall readability of your writing. Utilize resources such as grammar guides or online tools to reinforce grammatical rules and refine punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, governments have made concerted efforts to enhance healthcare systems. However, the overall standard of physical health in developed nations is declining. This issue arises from various factors and can lead to negative consequences for society.

First and foremost, the pressure of modern lifestyles plays a significant role. Particularly, individuals in developed countries are constantly striving to boost their income and advance in their careers. Consequently, they often overlook the importance of maintaining a nutritious diet. Instead, they opt for fast food for convenience, which gradually impacts their health.

Secondly, there’s a reliance on modern technology. In developed nations, machines and technology have replaced humans in various aspects, leading to an inactive lifestyle. This neglect of physical activity further contributes to the decline in physical health standards.

The declining physical health standards in developed countries can have several adverse consequences. Firstly, individuals become more susceptible to chronic conditions such as obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases due to overconsumption of fast food and lack of exercise. Consequently, their ability to work diminishes, triggering numerous economic and mental concerns for both individuals and society.

Furthermore, the decline in physical health leads to a lack of productivity and efficiency in the workforce. Employees may need to take medical leave frequently, impacting the performance of companies and potentially leading to economic damage and even the collapse of businesses.

In conclusion, the decline in physical health standards in developed countries stems from various underlying causes and can have significant long-term effects on individuals and society as a whole. Efforts to address these issues are crucial to ensuring the well-being and prosperity of communities.