Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?.

It is argued that the overall-wellbeing of physical health in advanced nations is dropping, although the medical system is actively enhanced by governments. This trend is attributable to many factors in life, and it will certainly have great impacts on society in general and family in particular.

There are several reasons why the locals in industrialized countries’ health are worse and worse. To begin with, the depression of modern lifestyle constitutes a burden on overall-health. The residents are overloaded with work because of the desire for a promotion and higher income, which prevents them from preparing nutrient meals and encourages them to follow an unhealthy diet so that spending more time on working. Therefore, the quality of their health decline noticeably. Furthermore, people seem to have a heavy reliance on advanced technology. In industrialized countries, machinery and current equipment can substitute humans in many fields, from manufacturing to housework, thus to a sedentary lifestyle and the neglection of physical activities. This causes a tremendous fall in physical function.

Contemporary lifestyles result in some adverse effects. The first impact is that pedestrians may be prone to chronic diseases. The over-consumption of fast foods and the lack of physical behaviors contribute to high potential diseases attacking health such as obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Hence, with a faint body, nobody can meet basic needs, and then being a burden for society and their family. Another consequence is the lack of high-quality labor. Due to heath constraints, laborers may not guarantee effectivity and productivity for their jobs. Countless businesses will be delayed due to workers’ frequent sick leaves which bring about the collapse of businesses or even a recession. As a result, this tendency gives rise to economic crisis which skyrockets the poverty of society.

In conclusion, there are some reasons why the livers’ health in advanced nations is brink on of a breakdown despite the enhancement of medicine, and this issue might generate serious impacts.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"overall-wellbeing" -> "overall well-being"
Explanation: "Overall well-being" is a more standard term in academic writing, with "well-being" written as two separate words.
"dropping" -> "declining"
Explanation: "Declining" is a more formal and precise term to describe a decrease in physical health.
"many factors in life" -> "numerous factors"
Explanation: "Numerous factors" is a more formal and concise phrase that maintains clarity while avoiding colloquial language.
"the locals" -> "residents"
Explanation: "Residents" is a more formal term to refer to people living in a particular area, suitable for academic writing.
"To begin with" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "Firstly" is a more academic transition phrase, commonly used in formal writing to introduce the first point.
"depression of modern lifestyle" -> "pressures of modern lifestyle"
Explanation: "Pressures of modern lifestyle" more accurately captures the idea of stress and strain associated with contemporary living.
"constitutes a burden on overall-health" -> "poses a burden on overall health"
Explanation: "Poses a burden on overall health" is a clearer and more direct expression in academic writing.
"encourages them to follow an unhealthy diet so that spending more time on working" -> "encourages them to prioritize work over maintaining a healthy diet"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the cause-effect relationship between work demands and dietary habits, avoiding awkward phrasing.
"Therefore, the quality of their health decline noticeably" -> "Consequently, their health quality declines noticeably"
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formal language and improves clarity by restructuring the sentence.
"Furthermore, people seem to have a heavy reliance on advanced technology" -> "Moreover, individuals exhibit a significant dependence on advanced technology"
Explanation: The suggested replacement enhances formality and clarity while avoiding the casual tone of "seem to have."
"sedentary lifestyle" -> "sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: Plural form "lifestyles" is more appropriate here to match the subject "people."
"neglection" -> "neglect"
Explanation: "Neglect" is the more commonly used and formal term for failing to give proper attention or care.
"Contemporary lifestyles result in some adverse effects" -> "Contemporary lifestyles lead to adverse effects"
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains academic formality and clarity by using a stronger verb ("lead to") and eliminating the word "some," which weakens the statement.
"The first impact is that pedestrians may be prone to chronic diseases" -> "The primary consequence is an increased susceptibility to chronic diseases"
Explanation: "Consequence" is a more formal term than "impact," and "increased susceptibility" is a clearer expression than "may be prone to."
"over-consumption" -> "overconsumption"
Explanation: "Overconsumption" is the correct spelling of the term, written as one word.
"diseases attacking health" -> "diseases affecting health"
Explanation: "Affecting health" is a more precise and formal expression than "attacking health."
"Hence, with a faint body" -> "As a result, with compromised physical health"
Explanation: "Compromised physical health" is a more formal and precise way to convey the idea of a "faint body."
"and then being a burden for society and their family" -> "thus becoming a burden on society and their families"
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains clarity and improves formality by restructuring and using "thus" to indicate consequence.
"Another consequence is the lack of high-quality labor" -> "Another repercussion is the scarcity of high-quality labor"
Explanation: "Repercussion" is a more formal synonym for "consequence," and "scarcity" better conveys the idea of lack than "lack."
"Due to heath constraints" -> "Due to health constraints"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling from "heath" to "health" ensures accuracy.
"guarantee effectivity" -> "ensure effectiveness"
Explanation: "Ensure effectiveness" is a more precise and formal expression than "guarantee effectivity."
"which bring about the collapse of businesses or even a recession" -> "resulting in business collapse or even recession"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more concise and maintains formal tone by using "resulting in" instead of "which bring about."
"As a result, this tendency gives rise to economic crisis" -> "Consequently, this trend leads to economic crises"
Explanation: The revised sentence is more direct and formal, using "consequently" to indicate cause and effect.
"brink on of a breakdown" -> "on the brink of breakdown"
Explanation: Correcting the phrasing to "on the brink of breakdown" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains formal tone.
"despite the enhancement of medicine" -> "despite advancements in medicine"
Explanation: "Advancements in medicine" is a more formal and precise phrase than "enhancement of medicine."
"and this issue might generate serious impacts" -> "and this issue could have significant ramifications"
Explanation: "Ramifications" is a more formal term than "impacts," and "could have" is more precise than "might generate."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the various components of the prompt. It identifies reasons for the declining physical health in developed countries and discusses potential long-term effects on both society and families. The reasons provided include modern lifestyle factors such as work-related stress, reliance on technology leading to sedentary lifestyles, and the impact of unhealthy diets. Additionally, it touches upon the consequences of declining health on productivity and economic stability.
- How to improve: While the essay does cover the main points of the prompt, enhancing clarity and specificity would strengthen the response. Encourage the writer to provide more detailed examples and perhaps explore the interconnectedness of these factors to offer a more nuanced understanding of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that attributes the decline in physical health to modern lifestyles characterized by work stress, unhealthy dietary habits, and sedentary behavior due to technological reliance. The conclusion reiterates the stance by summarizing the reasons discussed.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and coherence, advise the writer to explicitly state the thesis or main argument early in the essay. Additionally, recommend reinforcing the position throughout the body paragraphs with consistent language and reinforcing evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. While it introduces reasons for declining health and their potential impacts, it lacks elaboration and specific examples to fully substantiate these points. For instance, it mentions the impact of unhealthy diets and sedentary lifestyles but does not delve into how these factors contribute to declining health in detail.
- How to improve: Encourage the writer to expand on each idea by providing specific examples, statistics, or case studies to illustrate the effects of modern lifestyles on physical health. Additionally, suggest connecting ideas more cohesively to strengthen the logical flow of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the reasons for the declining physical health in developed countries and discussing potential long-term effects. However, there are moments of tangential discussion, such as the mention of economic crises, which could distract from the central theme.
- How to improve: Advise the writer to maintain a laser focus on the primary topic throughout the essay. While related issues like economic consequences are relevant, they should be discussed in relation to their direct impact on physical health to avoid straying off-topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a sufficient understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, depth of analysis, and staying strictly on topic. Encouraging the writer to provide more detailed examples, strengthen the thesis statement, and maintain a focused discussion will enhance the coherence and effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some improvements can be made in terms of coherence within paragraphs and transitions between ideas. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the reasons for declining health, but there is a lack of smooth transition between the two main points presented. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points more explicitly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s argument. Additionally, ensure that there is a smooth flow of ideas between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences. Finally, in the conclusion, restate the main points succinctly to provide a stronger sense of closure to the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to organize its content. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic, such as reasons for declining health and their effects. However, there are areas where paragraphing could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses both the impact of modern lifestyle and technology on health without a clear separation between these ideas.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the first body paragraph into two separate paragraphs, each focusing on one main reason for declining health. This will help to improve clarity and coherence within the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("furthermore," "hence"), pronouns ("this," "these"), and cohesive phrases ("to begin with," "in conclusion"). These devices help to connect ideas and create coherence within the essay. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more strategic and varied to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Try to diversify the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to create a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently within and between paragraphs to maintain coherence. For example, consider using transitional phrases like "on the other hand" or "in addition" to signal shifts between ideas more effectively. Furthermore, pay attention to pronoun clarity to avoid confusion for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort to incorporate a variety of vocabulary, including both general and somewhat specialized terms. For instance, phrases like "the depression of modern lifestyle," "overloaded with work," and "the neglection of physical activities" show attempts to express ideas using diverse vocabulary.
- How to improve: While the essay shows a willingness to use a wide range of vocabulary, some expressions could be further refined or replaced with more precise alternatives. For example, instead of "the depression of modern lifestyle," consider using "the pressures of contemporary living." Additionally, aim to incorporate more specific terminology related to health and wellness to enhance clarity and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where more precise word choices could strengthen the argument. For example, phrases like "the neglection of physical activities" and "the livers’ health" could be improved for clarity and accuracy.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Instead of "the neglection of physical activities," consider using "sedentary lifestyle" or "lack of exercise." Similarly, rather than "the livers’ health," use "overall health" or "physical well-being" to avoid ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed throughout. Common words are generally spelled correctly, contributing to the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct any remaining errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools and practicing regular writing exercises can help reinforce spelling skills and minimize mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further to enhance coherence and engagement. For instance, while there are complex sentences present, they could be utilized more consistently and effectively throughout the essay to convey ideas with greater depth and sophistication.
- How to improve: To improve the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions such as using subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and varying sentence lengths to create a more dynamic and engaging narrative. Additionally, experimenting with rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can add flair and clarity to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are instances of grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the residents are overloaded"), punctuation errors ("The over-consumption of fast foods and the lack of physical behaviors contribute"), and awkward phrasing ("brink on of a breakdown"). These errors, while not pervasive, detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to review and practice fundamental grammar rules, paying particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation usage. Proofreading your writing carefully can help catch and correct these errors before submitting your work. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring mistakes and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that despite government efforts to improve the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is declining. This trend can be attributed to various factors in life and will undoubtedly have significant impacts on society as a whole and families in particular.

There are several reasons why the physical health of individuals in industrialized countries is deteriorating. Firstly, the stresses of modern lifestyles impose a burden on overall well-being. People are often overwhelmed with work in pursuit of career advancement and higher incomes, which leaves them little time to prepare nutritious meals and leads to unhealthy dietary habits. Consequently, the quality of their health declines noticeably. Additionally, there is a heavy reliance on advanced technology. In industrialized nations, machinery and modern equipment can replace human labor in many areas, leading to a sedentary lifestyle and neglect of physical activity. This results in a significant decline in physical fitness.

Contemporary lifestyles have several adverse effects. Firstly, individuals are more susceptible to chronic diseases. Overconsumption of fast food and a lack of physical activity contribute to the prevalence of diseases such as obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases. As a result, individuals with weakened health become burdens on society and their families. Another consequence is the shortage of high-quality labor. Due to health issues, workers may not be able to perform effectively and efficiently, leading to delays in business operations and potentially causing economic recessions. Consequently, this trend can exacerbate societal poverty.

In conclusion, despite advancements in medicine, there are several reasons why the physical health of individuals in developed nations is on the verge of decline. These issues may have serious and far-reaching impacts.