Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is an opinion that not until the age of eighteen should children be allowed to leave school. Personally, I disagree with this school of thought given its impracticality and the stultifying effects it has on many youngsters.
Admittedly, one might argue that forcing every child to finish high school education confers substantial benefits, on both individual and societal levels. This is predicated on the assumption that those who are under 18 are not mature enough to protect themselves from potential risks in modern life. As a result, they may fall prey to exploitation, which is poor preparation for their adulthood or may be tricked into social vices, which could destabilize society. However, this line of reasoning is not sound as it fails to factor in the plight of many children. For homeless children, for example, whose main worries are about how they can afford their next meal, let alone paying tuition fees, so it would be almost entirely fruitless to urge them to go to school. This is a testament to the implausibility of forcing every child to stay at school at the age of 18.
In addition to the questions regarding the efficacy of this proposal, I do believe that children with special abilities should be permitted to leave school earlier. For example, children who are musically inclined or those who are endowed with an aptitude for sports should be encouraged to spend their precious time training to achieve their full potential rather than fully focusing on academic subjects. Of course, it doesn’t necessarily mean they abandon all academic subjects like Maths, Physics, or Biology. However, allocating time to develop their talent to the fullest extent is more worthwhile than focusing on various fields that they take no interest in.
To conclude, it is absurd to force everyone to stay at school until 18 given its impracticality and the hindrance it poses to children’s development. Therefore, I strongly oppose such a proposal.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"There is an opinion" -> "There is a perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "opinion" with "perspective" adds a touch of formality and precision to the statement, aligning it better with academic style.
"not until the age of eighteen should children be allowed" -> "children should not be allowed until the age of eighteen"
Explanation: Inverting the sentence structure enhances its formality, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"Personally, I disagree with this school of thought" -> "Personally, I disagree with this viewpoint"
Explanation: Substituting "school of thought" with "viewpoint" maintains the author’s personal perspective while using a more refined and academic term.
"given its impracticality and the stultifying effects" -> "due to its impracticality and the stultifying effects"
Explanation: Replacing "given" with "due to" contributes to a more formal tone, emphasizing the cause-and-effect relationship in a manner consistent with academic writing.
"one might argue" -> "one could argue"
Explanation: Shifting from "might" to "could" retains the conditional tone while introducing a slightly more formal and precise term.
"This is predicated on the assumption" -> "This is based on the assumption"
Explanation: Replacing "predicated" with "based" simplifies the language without sacrificing clarity, creating a more straightforward expression.
"fall prey to exploitation" -> "become vulnerable to exploitation"
Explanation: Substituting "fall prey to" with "become vulnerable to" enhances precision and formality, aligning with the academic context.
"which could destabilize society" -> "potentially destabilizing society"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "potentially destabilizing society" streamlines the expression while maintaining a formal and academically appropriate style.
"This line of reasoning is not sound" -> "This line of reasoning is flawed"
Explanation: Replacing "not sound" with "flawed" introduces a more precise term without compromising the critical evaluation of the reasoning.
"implausibility of forcing every child" -> "impracticality of compelling every child"
Explanation: Swapping "implausibility" with "impracticality" maintains the intended meaning while using a more commonly accepted term in academic writing.
"children with special abilities" -> "children with exceptional abilities"
Explanation: Substituting "special" with "exceptional" adds a layer of sophistication and specificity to the description, aligning it with academic language.
"encouraged to spend their precious time" -> "encouraged to invest their valuable time"
Explanation: Replacing "spend" with "invest" elevates the language and conveys a sense of purpose, fitting the academic tone.
"fully focusing" -> "solely focusing"
Explanation: Replacing "fully" with "solely" enhances precision, emphasizing an exclusive focus on academic subjects.
"it is absurd" -> "it is impractical"
Explanation: Substituting "absurd" with "impractical" maintains the critical stance while using a more precise term suitable for academic discourse.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, presenting reasons against the idea of keeping students in school until the age of 18. It acknowledges the potential benefits but challenges the feasibility, especially for certain groups like homeless children.
How to improve: While the essay does touch on the challenges faced by homeless children, a more in-depth exploration of potential solutions or considerations for such cases would strengthen the response. Additionally, a clearer acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint could enhance the overall balance of the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear stance against the proposal, arguing that it is impractical and hinders children’s development.
How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This reinforces the essay’s coherence and ensures the reader easily identifies the writer’s standpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically, supporting them with examples and reasoning. For instance, it argues that children with special abilities should be allowed to leave school earlier and provides examples like those with musical or sports talents.
How to improve: While the essay presents ideas well, adding more depth to the examples and elaborating on the potential consequences of keeping such children in school until 18 would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of whether everyone should stay in school until 18. It argues against this proposal throughout the essay.
How to improve: To further improve, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. While mentioning the challenges faced by homeless children is relevant, tying it more explicitly to the overarching question would enhance coherence.
The essay demonstrates a well-structured response with a clear position against the proposal. It effectively uses examples to support its arguments. To enhance the score, consider further development of ideas and exploring potential solutions for the challenges raised. Additionally, maintaining a balance between both sides of the argument and explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion will contribute to a more cohesive and nuanced essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction presents the writer’s stance clearly. The body paragraphs follow a logical progression, first addressing the potential benefits of staying in school until 18 and then presenting a counterargument with examples. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph contributes seamlessly to the overall argument. For instance, the transition from discussing potential benefits to the challenges faced by homeless children could be smoother.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately structured.
- How to improve: While the paragraph structure is generally sound, pay attention to the depth of analysis within each paragraph. Some points, such as the mention of homeless children, could be elaborated further within dedicated paragraphs to provide a more thorough exploration of the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a reasonable range of cohesive devices. Transitional phrases like "Admittedly," and "In addition to" help connect ideas, and pronouns are appropriately used for reference.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and discourse markers. Additionally, ensure that the usage of pronouns is consistently clear to avoid any potential confusion for the reader.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of coherence and cohesion. To improve, focus on refining transitions, elaborating on key points, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and sophisticated argumentative structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is effective use of vocabulary in discussing the impracticality and stultifying effects of the proposal. The essay also introduces varied vocabulary when highlighting the challenges faced by homeless children. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating a more extensive and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the overall richness of expression.
- How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, consider introducing more sophisticated synonyms and exploring diverse word choices. For instance, instead of frequently using the word "impracticality," experiment with alternatives like "infeasibility" or "unworkability." Additionally, try incorporating specialized vocabulary related to the topic to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issues at hand.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance clarity. For example, the phrase "stultifying effects" is apt, but a more precise word choice might better convey the specific impact on youngsters. Similarly, when discussing children’s talents, using more specific terms for "special abilities" could provide a clearer picture.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of general terms like "special abilities," specify the talents, such as "musical prowess" or "athletic aptitude." This will add depth to the discussion and improve the overall precision of your vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "fruitless" instead of "futile" and "it’s" instead of "its." These instances do not significantly hinder comprehension but addressing them would enhance the overall polish of the essay.
- How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to identify and rectify such issues. Developing a habit of thorough proofreading will contribute to consistently accurate spelling in your writing.
In conclusion, while the essay displays a commendable command of vocabulary and spelling, refining the range and precision of vocabulary, as well as addressing minor spelling errors, will contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to a smooth flow of ideas. The use of complex structures, such as conditional sentences ("For homeless children, for example, whose main worries are about how they can afford their next meal"), adds depth to the expression.
- How to improve: While the essay already incorporates a diverse range of sentence structures, consider experimenting with more complex sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences or the use of introductory phrases. This can further elevate the sophistication of your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are grammatically correct, and the punctuation is generally accurate. For instance, the essay appropriately uses commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. However, there are a few instances where the lack of articles affects the clarity of expression (e.g., "This is a testament to the implausibility of forcing every child to stay at school at the age of 18").
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the use of articles (a, an, the) to ensure precision in your expression. In the mentioned instance, consider revising to "This is a testament to the implausibility of forcing every child to stay in school until the age of 18." Additionally, be cautious of subject-verb agreement to maintain grammatical consistency.
Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical structures, showcasing variety and accuracy. To enhance further, continue exploring complex sentence structures and refine the use of articles for greater precision. Keep up the good work!
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a perspective that suggests children should not be allowed to leave school until the age of eighteen. Personally, I disagree with this viewpoint due to its impracticality and the stultifying effects it may have on many youngsters.
One could argue that compelling every child to complete high school education offers substantial benefits, both at an individual and societal level. This is based on the assumption that individuals under 18 might become vulnerable to exploitation or be exposed to potential risks in modern life. The concern is that they may fall prey to exploitation, making them ill-prepared for adulthood, or they may be enticed into social vices that could potentially destabilize society. However, this line of reasoning is flawed as it overlooks the challenges faced by certain children, such as those who are homeless. For these children, whose primary concerns revolve around securing their next meal rather than paying tuition fees, urging them to stay in school would be nearly fruitless. This highlights the impracticality of enforcing a universal requirement for every child to stay in school until the age of 18.
Additionally, aside from questioning the effectiveness of this proposal, I believe that children with exceptional abilities should be allowed to leave school earlier. For instance, children with a musical inclination or those endowed with a talent for sports should be encouraged to invest their valuable time in training to reach their full potential, rather than solely focusing on academic subjects. Of course, this doesn’t imply abandoning all academic subjects like Maths, Physics, or Biology. However, allocating time to develop their talents to the fullest extent is more worthwhile than obliging them to focus on various fields in which they have no interest.
In conclusion, it is impractical to mandate everyone to stay in school until the age of 18, given the hindrance it poses to children’s development. Therefore, I strongly oppose such a proposal.