Factors Affecting Work Performance

The given bar chart provides a comparison of the degree of influence on work performance of different factors over 2 age groups including 18-30 and 45-60. Overall, the working efficiency of people aged 18 to 30 are more affected by mentioned elements.
For the younger age group, the majority of them pay attention to development opportunities in their career path, at about 90%, while the work environment attracts only 30% of workers. Besides, both percentages of workers influenced by a comfortable working environment and promotion prospects are the second highest, at more than four- fifths each. Moreover, other factors also affect the quality of work of young employees, such as salary, leaders, job satisfaction, etc.
For the older one, a significant percentage was witnessed in the effect of money, which means 70% of older workers care about their income, followed by teamwork (nearly 60%). Meanwhile, job security has the least impact on the efficiency of this age group, just over a fifth. At the same time, form 30% to 50% of older employees’ performance are influenced by other factors such as respect, job opportunities, environment, etc.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"provides a comparison of the degree of influence" -> "compares the extent of influence"
Explanation: Replacing "provides a comparison of the degree of influence" with "compares the extent of influence" simplifies and clarifies the description, making it more direct and precise.
"are more affected by mentioned elements" -> "are more significantly impacted by the aforementioned factors"
Explanation: "are more significantly impacted by the aforementioned factors" uses more precise language ("significantly impacted" instead of "more affected") and formal terminology ("aforementioned factors" instead of "mentioned elements"), which enhances the academic tone.
"the majority of them pay attention to" -> "a significant majority focuses on"
Explanation: Replacing "the majority of them pay attention to" with "a significant majority focuses on" improves precision and formality, as "focuses on" is more specific and appropriate in a data-driven context.
"attracts only 30% of workers" -> "appeals to merely 30% of employees"
Explanation: "appeals to merely 30% of employees" uses more precise language; "appeals to" is a more specific verb than "attracts," and "employees" is generally more formal than "workers."
"both percentages of workers influenced by" -> "both proportions of employees affected by"
Explanation: Replacing "percentages of workers" with "proportions of employees" provides a more formal term and clarifies that it’s about proportions rather than mere numbers. "Affected by" is also slightly more formal than "influenced by."
"more than four- fifths" -> "over four-fifths"
Explanation: "over four-fifths" corrects a typographical error (space before "fifths") and is a more typical way to express such data succinctly.
"are the second highest" -> "rank as the second highest"
Explanation: Using "rank as" instead of "are" in this context specifies the action more clearly, emphasizing the comparative analysis in data representation.
"other factors also affect" -> "additional factors also influence"
Explanation: "additional factors also influence" replaces "other factors also affect" to use more varied and formal vocabulary; "influence" is often seen as slightly more formal than "affect."
"For the older one" -> "For the older group"
Explanation: Using "group" instead of "one" improves clarity and formality, making it explicitly clear that it refers to a group of people.
"a significant percentage was witnessed" -> "a significant proportion was observed"
Explanation: Replacing "a significant percentage was witnessed" with "a significant proportion was observed" utilizes more precise and formal scientific language, fitting better in the context of data analysis.
"which means 70% of older workers care about" -> "indicating that 70% of older employees prioritize"
Explanation: "indicating that 70% of older employees prioritize" offers a more direct and formal explanation of the statistics, with "prioritize" adding a more specific insight into their professional values.
"from 30% to 50% of older employees’ performance are influenced by" -> "between 30% and 50% of older employees’ performance is influenced by"
Explanation: "between 30% and 50%" corrects the range expression for better clarity, and changing "are" to "is" corrects the grammatical agreement with "performance" which is singular.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in factors affecting work performance for two age groups. It presents and highlights key features, such as the factors influencing work performance for both age groups, including development opportunities, work environment, promotion prospects, salary, teamwork, job security, and others.
How to improve: To enhance the response and potentially achieve a higher band score, the essay could more fully extend the presentation of key features, providing additional details or analysis where possible. Additionally, ensuring accuracy and clarity in the presentation of data would further strengthen the essay. Consider incorporating specific data points or examples to support the discussion of each factor’s influence on work performance.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, delineating factors affecting work performance for two age groups. There is a general progression from discussing factors for younger individuals to those for older ones. However, the organization lacks clarity at times, and there’s a need for smoother transitions between ideas. Some cohesive devices are used, such as listing factors, but there’s room for improvement in their accuracy and effectiveness. Paragraphing is employed, although it could be more logically structured.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a clearer progression of ideas between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect sentences and ideas, maintaining accuracy and avoiding repetition. Additionally, refine paragraphing to better structure the essay logically, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a central topic and flows smoothly into the next.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering various aspects related to factors affecting work performance across different age groups. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "development opportunities," "promotion prospects," and "job security." However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "form" instead of "from" and "degree of influence on work performance" instead of "factors affecting work performance." Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing or vague expressions, impacting lexical coherence and precision.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, strive for more precise and accurate word choices and expressions. Pay attention to collocation and idiomatic usage to convey ideas more effectively. Review and revise sentences for clarity and coherence to ensure the message is communicated smoothly to the reader. Additionally, expand the range of vocabulary used, incorporating more sophisticated and nuanced terms where appropriate to elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, covering a range of factors affecting work performance across different age groups. There is an attempt at using a variety of structures, but some errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable, although they do not significantly hinder understanding.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using more complex sentence structures consistently. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation. Proofreading can help catch and correct errors that might affect clarity and precision in conveying ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates a comparative analysis of the factors influencing work performance across two distinct age brackets: 18-30 and 45-60. Overall, individuals aged 18 to 30 demonstrate a greater susceptibility to the mentioned factors in their work efficiency.

In the younger age group, a predominant focus lies on career development opportunities, with approximately 90% of individuals emphasizing this aspect. Conversely, only 30% of workers in this demographic are influenced by the work environment. Additionally, both comfortable working conditions and prospects for promotion garner significant attention, each affecting more than four-fifths of the cohort. Moreover, supplementary factors such as salary, leadership, and job satisfaction contribute to the quality of work among young employees.

Conversely, among the older age group, a substantial percentage is observed regarding the influence of monetary considerations, with 70% of respondents expressing concern about their income. Following closely, teamwork emerges as a significant factor, impacting nearly 60% of older workers. Conversely, job security exhibits minimal influence on the efficiency of this age group, affecting just over a fifth of respondents. Additionally, other variables such as respect, job opportunities, and the work environment affect between 30% to 50% of older employees’ performance.