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Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general.

Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general.

In this day and age, humans are widely acknowledged to be immersed in a joyful life due to the significant development of several fields, including technology, economy and so on. However, people, in fact, are incapable of enjoying their lives, thereby paying less attention to their favorite activities. This essay will clarify the reasons of this phenomenon and its negative impact on the whole society.
To begin with, the reasons why people spend less time on recreational activities are attributed to several factors. Foremost among these is the overloaded number of tasks and deadlines that require them to accomplish. To specify, the growth of the thriving economy and other fields in the modern era is inextricably intertwined with the considerable increase in the pressure that people are under obligation to work. This forces humans to take their jobs as a priority over other activities, thus discouraging them from devoting sparse time to their hobbies. Another factor leading to the decline in the amount of time humans use for their joyful things is the change in humans’ conception of happiness. In the past, being put at liberty to live with hobbies was what most people committed to and regarded as the ultimate goal of their lives. However, modern people’s definition of happiness is a stable life in place of joyful life. They are willing to spend a large proportion of their time at work with a view to stabalizing their incomes and avoiding financial struggle without caring for their favorites.
This alternation, in my opinion, has a detrimental impact on the entire community in today’s world. The first implication is the gap among people in family and society. It is undeniable that hobbies, such as sports or arts, can foster the connection of like-minded people. A lack of devotion to those activities, therefore, may widen the gap in society, particularly by prohibiting direct communication and interaction among people. Another severe consequence of this phenomenon is that people are more prone to stress and illnesses. It is widely believed that relaxation is invariably a must in everyone’s life. Without entertaining after working-hours, people couldd not have been able to continue their works productively and effieciently. Therefore, the decrease in the amount of time that people use for hobbies may result in their stress and their suffering from mental-related ailments, hencing deteriorating and worsening the quality of their lives.
To sum up, the change in definition of long-life goal and the overwhelming number of tasks at work are the two main reasons leading to the decline in time that humans spend on their hobbies. This negative development may cause some potential problems, including broadening people’s gap in society and rising the rate of illnesses.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: Substituting "In this day and age" with "In the contemporary era" provides a more formal and sophisticated expression, aligning with academic writing standards.

  2. "joyful life" -> "fulfilling life"
    Explanation: Replacing "joyful life" with "fulfilling life" introduces a more nuanced and formal term, contributing to a refined tone in academic writing.

  3. "significant development" -> "remarkable advancements"
    Explanation: Swapping "significant development" with "remarkable advancements" enhances the precision and formality of the language, better suited for academic discourse.

  4. "so on" -> "and so forth"
    Explanation: Substituting "so on" with "and so forth" maintains the continuity of the list in a more formal manner, avoiding colloquialism.

  5. "people, in fact, are incapable of enjoying" -> "people, however, find it challenging to derive enjoyment"
    Explanation: Replacing "people, in fact, are incapable of enjoying" with "people, however, find it challenging to derive enjoyment" introduces a more nuanced and formal expression, eliminating informal language.

  6. "clarify" -> "explore"
    Explanation: Changing "clarify" to "explore" contributes to a more academic tone, aligning with the objective of delving into the reasons behind the phenomenon.

  7. "Foremost among these" -> "Primary among these"
    Explanation: Substituting "Foremost among these" with "Primary among these" maintains the emphasis on the key factor while adopting a more formal phrasing.

  8. "considerable increase" -> "substantial rise"
    Explanation: Swapping "considerable increase" with "substantial rise" enhances the precision of the language, adhering to academic standards.

  9. "inextricably intertwined" -> "closely linked"
    Explanation: Replacing "inextricably intertwined" with "closely linked" maintains the connection between economic growth and increased pressure in a more straightforward and formal manner.

  10. "sparse time" -> "limited time"
    Explanation: Changing "sparse time" to "limited time" provides a more conventional and formal expression, suitable for academic writing.

  11. "alternation" -> "shift"
    Explanation: Substituting "alternation" with "shift" conveys the change in people’s definition of happiness more precisely in a formal context.

  12. "detrimental impact" -> "adverse effect"
    Explanation: Replacing "detrimental impact" with "adverse effect" introduces a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic language conventions.

  13. "undeniable that hobbies, such as sports or arts" -> "undeniable that pursuits like sports or the arts"
    Explanation: Substituting "hobbies, such as sports or arts" with "pursuits like sports or the arts" provides a more elevated and formal expression.

  14. "prohibiting" -> "hindering"
    Explanation: Changing "prohibiting" to "hindering" maintains the formal tone while conveying the idea that the lack of devotion to activities impedes communication.

  15. "couldd not have been able to" -> "would not have been able to"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo "couldd" to "would" and refining the sentence to "would not have been able to" improves grammatical accuracy and formality.

  16. "effieciently" -> "efficiently"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling "effieciently" to "efficiently" ensures proper spelling and maintains a formal tone.

  17. "hencing" -> "hence"
    Explanation: Correcting the error "hencing" to "hence" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains formality.

  18. "long-life goal" -> "life-long goal"
    Explanation: Correcting "long-life goal" to "life-long goal" aligns with the standard phrase, improving accuracy and formality.

  19. "hencing deteriorating and worsening" -> "thus deteriorating and worsening"
    Explanation: Correcting "hencing" to "thus" improves coherence and formality in the sentence structure.

  20. "rising the rate of illnesses" -> "increasing the incidence of illnesses"
    Explanation: Changing "rising the rate of illnesses" to "increasing the incidence of illnesses" provides a more formal and precise expression in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

  1. Quoted text: "In this day and age, humans are widely acknowledged to be immersed in a joyful life due to the significant development of several fields, including technology, economy and so on. However, people, in fact, are incapable of enjoying their lives, thereby paying less attention to their favorite activities."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on the topic. It should explicitly state whether they agree or disagree with the idea that people are devoting less time to hobbies. To enhance this, the writer could revise the introduction to clearly express their stance. For example, "In today’s fast-paced world, while advancements in technology and the economy have contributed to a seemingly joyful life, I argue that individuals are, in reality, neglecting their happiness by dedicating less time to their favorite activities."
    • Improved example: "In today’s fast-paced world, while advancements in technology and the economy have contributed to a seemingly joyful life, I argue that individuals are, in reality, neglecting their happiness by dedicating less time to their favorite activities. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and its repercussions on both individuals and society."
  2. Quoted text: "To begin with, the reasons why people spend less time on recreational activities are attributed to several factors. Foremost among these is the overloaded number of tasks and deadlines that require them to accomplish."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The essay starts well by identifying one reason for the decline in hobbies, but it lacks depth and specific examples to fully support this point. To improve, the writer should delve deeper into the idea and provide specific instances from their own knowledge or experience. For instance, instead of a general statement about overloaded tasks, they could share a personal experience or a hypothetical scenario to illustrate this point vividly.
    • Improved example: "To begin with, the relentless demands of modern life, marked by overflowing to-do lists and tight deadlines, significantly impede individuals from indulging in their favorite pastimes. For example, a recent survey conducted in my workplace revealed that 80% of employees felt overwhelmed by their workload, leaving them with minimal time for recreational activities."
  3. Quoted text: "This alternation, in my opinion, has a detrimental impact on the entire community in today’s world."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The term "alternation" might be a typographical error, and it doesn’t clearly convey the writer’s intended meaning. To enhance clarity, the writer should use a more appropriate term like "shift" or "change." Additionally, the essay could benefit from a smoother transition between points for better coherence.
    • Improved example: "This shift, in my opinion, has a detrimental impact on the entire community in today’s world. Furthermore, to ensure a seamless transition between ideas, the writer could employ phrases such as ‘Building on this point’ or ‘Moreover’ to create a logical flow between paragraphs."

Overall, the essay requires improvement in clearly stating the writer’s position in the introduction and providing more depth and specificity in supporting arguments with relevant examples from personal knowledge or experience.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an overall coherence and cohesion that aligns with Band 6 descriptors. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and outlining the main points. Throughout the essay, there is a clear attempt to logically organize ideas, with a discernible progression. However, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences. While there is an effort to use cohesive devices effectively, some shortcomings are evident. The essay manages to use paragraphing, but not always in a fully logical manner.

How to Improve:

  1. Refinement of Cohesive Devices: Pay more attention to the appropriate use of cohesive devices. Ensure that the connections between sentences and ideas are more seamless to enhance overall coherence.
  2. Enhanced Paragraphing: Work on improving the logical flow within paragraphs. Each paragraph should present a clear central topic, contributing to a more organized and cohesive structure.
  3. Clarity in Referencing: Ensure that referencing and substitution are clear and accurate, avoiding any potential confusion for the reader.
  4. Varied Sentence Structure: Introduce more sentence variety to enhance the overall fluency of the essay.

This essay, while displaying a generally coherent structure, can benefit from refining its use of cohesive devices and paragraphing for a more polished and cohesive presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a satisfactory use of vocabulary with a range that allows for flexibility and precision. The candidate employs less common lexical items, and there is some awareness of style and collocation. However, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, affecting the overall fluency. For instance, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor inaccuracies, such as "are widely acknowledged to be immersed," which could be refined for greater clarity. Additionally, there are spelling errors, like "entertaining" instead of "entertainingly," and a few inaccuracies in word formation.

The essay successfully addresses the reasons behind the decline in time spent on hobbies, citing factors like increased work pressure and a shift in the perception of happiness. The connection between these factors and their impact on society is well articulated, with effective examples of widening social gaps and increased stress levels.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, the candidate should focus on refining word choice and paying careful attention

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at utilizing a variety of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences throughout. There’s a commendable effort to use a mix of sentence forms, indicating some awareness of sentence complexity. However, grammatical errors, such as missing articles, inconsistent tense usage, and occasional word choice issues, hinder the overall accuracy. Punctuation also shows inconsistency, affecting the flow of ideas. Despite these errors, the essay maintains coherence and clarity in communicating its points.

How to improve:

  1. Grammatical Accuracy: Focus on refining grammatical accuracy, paying particular attention to articles, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement.
  2. Sentence Structure: Strive for more varied sentence structures while ensuring correctness.
  3. Punctuation: Practice using punctuation marks appropriately to enhance the essay’s readability and coherence.

Overall, with a more consistent focus on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure variety, the essay has the potential to reach a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s fast-paced world, people find themselves immersed in the hustle and bustle of life, with little time left for their hobbies. Despite the apparent prosperity in various fields like technology and the economy, individuals often struggle to enjoy their lives fully. This essay aims to explore the reasons behind this trend and its adverse effects on society.

Primarily, the decline in the allocation of time to leisure activities can be attributed to multiple factors. Chief among these is the overwhelming number of tasks and deadlines that individuals face. The modern era’s thriving economy has brought about increased pressure on people to excel in their work, making professional commitments a top priority. Consequently, individuals are compelled to prioritize their jobs over personal interests, leaving little time for hobbies. Another contributing factor is the evolving concept of happiness. While in the past, people found joy in pursuing their hobbies, today’s definition of happiness often revolves around achieving a stable life rather than a joyful one. Many are willing to dedicate a significant portion of their time to work, aiming to stabilize their incomes and avoid financial struggles, even at the expense of their favorite activities.

This shift in perspective has far-reaching consequences for society as a whole. One notable implication is the growing gap among individuals within families and society. Hobbies, such as sports or arts, have historically served as a means to connect like-minded individuals. The declining dedication to such activities may exacerbate societal divides by hindering direct communication and interaction among people. Another serious consequence is the increased susceptibility to stress and illnesses. It is widely acknowledged that relaxation is essential in everyone’s life. Without the rejuvenation that hobbies provide after working hours, individuals may struggle to maintain productivity and efficiency in their professional lives, leading to elevated stress levels and a higher likelihood of mental health issues.

In conclusion, the redefinition of long-term goals and the overwhelming demands of the modern workplace are the two primary reasons for the diminishing time individuals spend on their hobbies. This negative trend poses potential problems, including widening gaps in society and an increased prevalence of stress-related illnesses. It is crucial for individuals to strike a balance between work and leisure to ensure a more fulfilling and healthier quality of life.

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