Few people devote time to hobbies these days. Why do you think this is the case, and what effect does this have on an individual and society in general?

Fewer people these days spend time on their hobbies than in the past. This essay will shed light on the reasons for this tendency before concluding that this will hurt both individuals and society.

In this day and age, there are some rationales that explain why fewer people devote time to hobbies. Firstly, to make ends meet in this era of rapid industrialization and societal change, people are forced to work harder than they used to. Therefore, most people claim that spending time on their leisure activities is a waste of time, they would rather use that time to work for promotion at work or stability in finance. This tendency helps most people, especially the underprivileged, feel more secure in life, thereby enhancing their mental health. Moreover, due to the constant improvements in technology and network sites, humans tend to sit on the screen instead of going out and doing exercises. They enjoy watching videos, posts, and pictures shared on the internet as they feel they are connected to other people. In contrast, engaging in exercises like playing sports and traveling is exhausting and requires a lot of energy.

From my perspective, there are a myriad of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that this propensity brings about nothing but detrimental effects. To individuals, refusing to have any interest in anything means that people are binding themselves to a boring and repetitive lifestyle. Staying at home all the time, not meeting friends, not making new relationships make individuals introverted and inactive. This is a particular case for a bunch of illnesses ranging from mental disorders, depression to obesity and anti-social are reported to be anticipated by more than 50% of children globally by WHO in 2022. Moreover, a severe influence will also be posted on social as a whole. As shared hobbies eradicate gaps among people and bring them together, weakening social bonds and isolation will be anticipated, in tandem with fewer community recreational activities will be turned out if the issue is not treated promptly.

In conclusion, I once again reaffirm that people should devote more time to their hobbies in order to cope with stress as well as make their lives more enjoyable and cheerful.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Fewer people these days" -> "Fewer individuals today"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "today" is more precise than "these days," which can sound colloquial and vague in academic writing.
"shed light on" -> "explore"
Explanation: "Explore" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "shed light on," which can sound overly metaphorical and less formal.
"rationales" -> "reasons"
Explanation: While "rationales" is not incorrect, "reasons" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic contexts, making it more suitable for clarity and formality.
"to make ends meet" -> "to support themselves"
Explanation: "To support themselves" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of earning a living, avoiding the colloquialism of "to make ends meet."
"most people claim" -> "many individuals assert"
Explanation: "Many individuals assert" is more formal and precise than "most people claim," which can sound too general and informal for academic writing.
"spending time on their leisure activities is a waste of time" -> "devoting time to leisure activities is considered a waste of time"
Explanation: "Devoting time to leisure activities is considered a waste of time" is more formal and avoids the subjective tone of "most people claim."
"they would rather use that time to work for promotion at work or stability in finance" -> "they prefer to allocate that time to career advancement or financial stability"
Explanation: "Allocate" and "career advancement" are more formal and precise terms than "use" and "work for promotion," and "financial stability" is a more formal expression than "stability in finance."
"due to the constant improvements in technology and network sites" -> "owing to ongoing advancements in technology and online platforms"
Explanation: "Owing to ongoing advancements" is more formal and precise than "due to the constant improvements," and "online platforms" is a more formal term than "network sites."
"humans tend to sit on the screen" -> "people increasingly spend time on screens"
Explanation: "People increasingly spend time on screens" is more formal and avoids the anthropomorphic "humans tend to sit," which is informal and imprecise.
"engaging in exercises like playing sports and traveling" -> "participating in activities such as sports and travel"
Explanation: "Participating in activities" is more formal than "engaging in exercises," and "travel" is a more formal term than "traveling."
"binding themselves to a boring and repetitive lifestyle" -> "confining themselves to a monotonous and repetitive lifestyle"
Explanation: "Confining themselves" is a more precise and formal expression than "binding themselves," and "monotonous" is a more academic term than "boring."
"not meeting friends, not making new relationships" -> "failing to maintain friendships and form new relationships"
Explanation: "Failing to maintain friendships and form new relationships" is more formal and precise than "not meeting friends, not making new relationships."
"a bunch of illnesses" -> "a range of illnesses"
Explanation: "A range of illnesses" is more formal and precise than "a bunch of illnesses," which is colloquial and informal.
"weakening social bonds and isolation will be anticipated" -> "weakening social bonds and isolation are likely to occur"
Explanation: "Are likely to occur" is more formal and precise than "will be anticipated," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"fewer community recreational activities will be turned out" -> "fewer community recreational activities will cease"
Explanation: "Will cease" is a more formal and precise term than "will be turned out," which is unclear and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons why fewer people engage in hobbies and the effects of this trend on individuals and society. The first paragraph outlines the reasons, such as increased work demands and the allure of technology, while the second paragraph elaborates on the negative consequences, including mental health issues and weakened social bonds. The response is comprehensive and relevant to the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics to support the claims made. For instance, citing studies or surveys that quantify the decline in hobby participation or the rise in related health issues would strengthen the argument and provide a more robust answer to the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the decline in hobby engagement is detrimental to both individuals and society. The writer consistently supports this viewpoint throughout the essay, particularly in the second paragraph where the negative impacts are discussed. However, the transition between discussing reasons and effects could be smoother to reinforce the connection between the two.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly link the reasons for the decline in hobbies to the subsequent effects. For example, stating “As a result of these pressures…” before discussing the negative impacts would help clarify the relationship between the two parts of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas regarding the reasons for the decline in hobbies and their effects. The points made are relevant and logically structured. However, some ideas, particularly those related to the effects on society, could be further developed. The mention of WHO statistics is a strong point, but it lacks context and could be expanded upon to enhance understanding.
- How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should elaborate on key points with more detailed explanations or examples. For instance, discussing how social isolation manifests in communities or providing anecdotal evidence of how hobbies foster relationships would add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the decline in hobbies and their effects. However, the phrase “not making new relationships” could be rephrased for clarity, as it may imply a lack of effort rather than the impact of reduced hobby engagement. Additionally, the conclusion could reiterate the main points more explicitly to reinforce the focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all phrases and terms used are clear and directly related to the main argument. Revising the conclusion to summarize the key points succinctly would also help reinforce the essay’s focus and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task with a clear argument and relevant points. By incorporating more specific examples, improving transitions, and expanding on key ideas, the writer could further enhance the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The first body paragraph effectively presents reasons for the decline in hobby participation, followed by a second body paragraph that discusses the effects on individuals and society. The progression of ideas is coherent, with each paragraph building on the previous one. For example, the transition from discussing individual reasons to societal effects is smooth, maintaining a clear focus throughout.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition," can help signal connections between points. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence will reinforce the main idea being discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs, with each one focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses reasons for the decline in hobbies, while the second addresses the consequences. This separation aids readability and comprehension. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization, as it presents multiple effects without distinct sub-points.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the second body paragraph into smaller sections, each focusing on a specific effect (e.g., mental health, social isolation). This would not only clarify the argument but also provide a more structured approach to discussing the implications of the decline in hobbies.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, while these devices are effective, the essay could benefit from a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance fluidity. For instance, the use of synonyms or pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas could reduce repetition and improve cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate more transitional phrases and synonyms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "people," consider using "individuals" or "society" where appropriate. Additionally, using phrases like "On the other hand," when contrasting ideas can further enrich the essay’s cohesiveness.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, demonstrating a strong command of coherence and cohesion principles. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of their argument even further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "make ends meet," "detrimental effects," and "binding themselves to a boring and repetitive lifestyle." These expressions show an ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "people" and "individuals" could be replaced with synonyms like "individuals," "persons," or "members of society" to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "spend time," alternatives like "engage in," "participate in," or "devote time to" could be utilized. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "recreational activities," "leisure pursuits," or "hobbies," would enhance the lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "humans tend to sit on the screen" could be more precisely stated as "people tend to spend excessive time in front of screens." Additionally, the phrase "a bunch of illnesses" is informal and could be replaced with "a range of illnesses" or "various health issues" for a more academic tone.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which certain words are used. For example, using "individuals" instead of "people" can elevate the formality of the essay. Furthermore, ensuring that phrases are not overly colloquial will enhance the overall tone. The writer should also consider the connotations of words and choose those that best fit the context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with only minor errors. However, there is a misspelling in the phrase "the issue is not treated promptly," where "treated" could be confused with "treated" in a different context. Additionally, "anti-social" should be hyphenated as "antisocial" to conform to standard usage.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring that hyphenation rules are followed. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during the writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and carefully checking spelling, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "In this day and age" and "From my perspective" effectively sets the context and signals the writer’s viewpoint. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the second paragraph, where several sentences begin with "people" or "this tendency." This can lead to a monotonous reading experience.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different grammatical forms. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "people," the writer could use passive constructions or start with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Due to the demands of modern life, many individuals find it challenging to engage in hobbies"). Additionally, integrating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses could enrich the essay’s overall structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "spending time on their leisure activities is a waste of time, they would rather use that time to work for promotion at work or stability in finance" contains a comma splice, which incorrectly joins two independent clauses. Furthermore, the phrase "a bunch of illnesses ranging from mental disorders, depression to obesity and anti-social are reported to be anticipated" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on avoiding comma splices by using conjunctions or separating independent clauses into distinct sentences. For example, the problematic sentence could be revised to: "Spending time on leisure activities is often seen as a waste; instead, many prefer to use that time to pursue promotions or financial stability." Additionally, the writer should aim for clearer phrasing, such as revising "a bunch of illnesses" to "a variety of health issues" for a more formal tone. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence construction will also aid in improving overall grammatical accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Fewer people these days spend time on their hobbies than in the past. This essay will shed light on the reasons for this tendency before concluding that this will hurt both individuals and society.

In this day and age, there are some reasons that explain why fewer people devote time to hobbies. Firstly, to make ends meet in this era of rapid industrialization and societal change, people are forced to work harder than they used to. Therefore, many individuals assert that spending time on their leisure activities is a waste of time; they would rather use that time to work for promotion at work or financial stability. This tendency helps most people, especially the underprivileged, feel more secure in life, thereby enhancing their mental health. Moreover, owing to ongoing advancements in technology and online platforms, humans tend to spend time on screens instead of going out and exercising. They enjoy watching videos, posts, and pictures shared on the internet as they feel they are connected to other people. In contrast, participating in activities like playing sports and traveling is exhausting and requires a lot of energy.

From my perspective, there are a myriad of compelling reasons why I am convinced that this propensity brings about nothing but detrimental effects. For individuals, refusing to have any interest in anything means that people are confining themselves to a monotonous and repetitive lifestyle. Staying at home all the time, not meeting friends, and failing to maintain friendships and form new relationships make individuals introverted and inactive. This is a particular case for a range of illnesses, as mental disorders, depression, obesity, and anti-social behavior are reported to be anticipated by more than 50% of children globally by WHO in 2022. Moreover, a severe influence will also be felt on society as a whole. As shared hobbies eradicate gaps among people and bring them together, weakening social bonds and isolation are likely to occur, in tandem with fewer community recreational activities ceasing if the issue is not treated promptly.

In conclusion, I once again reaffirm that people should devote more time to their hobbies in order to cope with stress as well as make their lives more enjoyable and cheerful.