Fewer students are studying science at school and university, favouring more computer-based subjects instead. Is this a positive or negative development?

Fewer students are studying science at school and university, favouring more computer-based subjects instead. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays , many people are more likely to learn technology related subjects . While learning educational fields related to technology can have some benefits , I believe that there are more drawbacks .

On the one hand , with the advance developments in technology today , It is more likely that some people may be keen on studying subjects mainly focused on technological devices . Firstly , the more people taking part in educational programs mainly focused in technology , they will acquire more basic knowledge in the digital world . Furthermore , improving the technological devices which will make contributions to society's enhancement . Secondly , learning computer-based subjects can provide career prosperity as more and more occupations are currently seeking innovations in terms of technological changes . For instance , teachers nowadays are more likely to meet up with his students in a virtual classroom than actually going to a school . As a result , the individuals who pursue a technology-related subject will have a quality life and a high salary as they can get opportunities from workplaces that require their knowledge on technology . .

On the other hand , only focusing on learning can have a detrimental effect on the workload of other jobs in society and also some valuable subjects in the educational program . Firstly, some people, especially young people have the tendency of learning subjects that are related to technological devices . Furthermore , some educational fields such as physics , biology , and mathematics will have fewer learners making the students lack theoretical knowledge specifically in that subject . Secondly , the more students graduate from technology programs , the more competitive It is in the job market . Therefore , there is an overdue workforce that specializes in technology which will create a mass of unemployed workers who only know how to use technology . Resulting in fewer needed workload for other occupations such as doctors , engineers and garbagemen , if this trend continues to gain popularity , society will be unbalanced as many jobs that are compulsory to the public lack the necessary workforce .

In conclusion , people’s interest in technology and lack of motivation in other educational fields can be beneficial or detrimental. I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic, aligning with academic style.

  2. "more likely" (repeated) -> "inclined"
    Explanation: Replacing the repetition of "more likely" with "inclined" adds variety to the language and enhances the formality of the text.

  3. "educational fields related to technology" -> "technology-related academic disciplines"
    Explanation: Using "technology-related academic disciplines" instead of "educational fields related to technology" is more precise and academically specific.

  4. "have some benefits" -> "offer certain advantages"
    Explanation: Replacing "have some benefits" with "offer certain advantages" elevates the language and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "drawbacks" -> "limitations"
    Explanation: Substituting "drawbacks" with "limitations" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression of the potential negative aspects.

  6. "advance developments" -> "advancements"
    Explanation: Replacing "advance developments" with "advancements" is a more sophisticated term, enhancing the academic tone.

  7. "It is more likely that" -> "There is an increased tendency for"
    Explanation: Changing "It is more likely that" to "There is an increased tendency for" adds formality and precision to the statement.

  8. "keen on studying" -> "interested in pursuing"
    Explanation: Replacing "keen on studying" with "interested in pursuing" offers a more formal and academically appropriate expression.

  9. "Firstly" (repeated) -> "First and foremost"
    Explanation: Replacing the repetition of "Firstly" with "First and foremost" contributes to a more varied and polished transition between ideas.

  10. "basic knowledge in the digital world" -> "foundational understanding of digital realms"
    Explanation: Substituting "basic knowledge in the digital world" with "foundational understanding of digital realms" adds precision and sophistication.

  11. "make contributions to society’s enhancement" -> "contribute to societal advancement"
    Explanation: Changing "make contributions to society’s enhancement" to "contribute to societal advancement" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  12. "virtual classroom" -> "online learning environment"
    Explanation: Substituting "virtual classroom" with "online learning environment" provides a more precise and academically suitable term.

  13. "his students" -> "their students"
    Explanation: Changing "his students" to "their students" ensures gender-neutral language, aligning with academic conventions.

  14. "As a result" -> "Consequently"
    Explanation: Replacing "As a result" with "Consequently" elevates the transition and maintains a formal tone.

  15. "quality life" -> "higher quality of life"
    Explanation: Expanding "quality life" to "higher quality of life" provides a more comprehensive and formal expression.

  16. "more and more" -> "increasingly"
    Explanation: Replacing "more and more" with "increasingly" enhances the formality and precision of the language.

  17. "only focusing on learning" -> "solely concentrating on acquiring knowledge"
    Explanation: Substituting "only focusing on learning" with "solely concentrating on acquiring knowledge" offers a more detailed and formal expression.

  18. "detrimental effect" -> "adverse impact"
    Explanation: Changing "detrimental effect" to "adverse impact" maintains a formal tone and adds specificity to the negative consequences.

  19. "the workload of other jobs" -> "work demands in other professions"
    Explanation: Substituting "the workload of other jobs" with "work demands in other professions" provides a more precise and formal term.

  20. "garbagemen" -> "sanitation workers"
    Explanation: Replacing "garbagemen" with "sanitation workers" is a more formal and gender-neutral term in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Nowadays, many people are more likely to learn technology-related subjects. While learning educational fields related to technology can have some benefits, I believe that there are more drawbacks."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction provides a general stance regarding the preference for technology-related subjects, which is good. However, it lacks a clear roadmap of the points to be discussed. Consider briefly outlining the main ideas that will be explored in the subsequent paragraphs to enhance the essay’s structure and coherence. For instance, mention the specific benefits and drawbacks that will be elaborated upon, allowing readers to anticipate the direction of your argument more precisely.
    • Improved example: "In contemporary times, an increasing number of individuals opt for technology-related disciplines. While these subjects offer certain advantages, such as enhanced digital literacy, they also carry notable drawbacks. This essay will delve into the benefits of technological education, including career prospects, while also addressing the potential downsides in terms of educational diversity and workforce distribution."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, the more people taking part in educational programs mainly focused on technology, they will acquire more basic knowledge in the digital world."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point about acquiring basic knowledge in the digital world is relevant; however, it lacks specificity and depth. To strengthen this argument, delve deeper into the specific skills or knowledge individuals gain from technology-focused programs. Provide concrete examples or instances of how this knowledge is beneficial in today’s digital landscape. For instance, cite scenarios where individuals with tech-related skills excel or contribute significantly to their fields due to their digital literacy and competence.
    • Improved example: "Participation in technology-centric education equips individuals with fundamental digital competencies crucial in contemporary society. For instance, familiarity with programming languages allows graduates to create innovative software solutions, fostering technological advancements. Moreover, proficiency in cybersecurity ensures individuals safeguard sensitive digital information, becoming instrumental in the protection of online data and privacy."
  3. Quoted text: "Furthermore, improving the technological devices which will make contributions to society’s enhancement."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The statement lacks clarity in linking the improvement of technological devices to societal enhancement. Elaborate on how advancements in technology contribute tangibly to societal progress. Provide specific examples or instances where technological innovations have significantly impacted societal development. Connect the dots between technological advancements and their applications in various aspects of society, whether it’s healthcare, communication, transportation, etc.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, technological advancements play a pivotal role in societal progress. For instance, the evolution of medical technology has revolutionized healthcare delivery, enabling faster diagnoses and more effective treatments. Additionally, innovations in communication technology have fostered global connectivity, facilitating instant information sharing and fostering collaborations across continents, thereby enhancing societal interconnectedness and knowledge exchange."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear position on the topic and explores both advantages and drawbacks of focusing on technology-related subjects, enhancing the depth and specificity of the arguments with concrete examples would significantly bolster the essay’s overall coherence and persuasiveness. Strengthening the connections between technological education and real-world applications would elevate the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

The essay exhibits a relatively clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion. The essay attempts to organize information by addressing both positive and negative aspects of studying technology-based subjects over traditional science disciplines. There is a discernible progression in the ideas presented within paragraphs, contributing somewhat to coherence. Cohesive devices are used, though inconsistently, and the essay demonstrates an effort to link ideas across sentences, albeit with occasional lapses in cohesion.

The introduction and conclusion provide an overview of the essay’s arguments but lack depth and complexity. While the essay attempts to use paragraphing, there are instances of overlong sentences, leading to coherence issues, and the paragraph structure could be improved for better clarity and organization. Additionally, there are some grammatical issues and redundancies that affect the overall cohesion and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Structure: Enhance the essay’s structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a specific point, maintaining a clear topic sentence and supporting details.
  2. Cohesion: Strengthen the use of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay to establish clearer relationships between ideas and sentences.
  3. Clarity and Precision: Revise sentences for clarity, avoiding repetition and redundancies, and aim for more concise and precise language to improve coherence.
  4. Grammar and Syntax: Address grammatical issues and sentence structure for smoother readability and coherence.

Focusing on refining paragraph structure, enhancing the use of cohesive devices, and strengthening language proficiency would greatly improve the essay’s coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but with some inaccuracy, as seen in phrases like "educational fields related to technology" and "technological devices which will make contributions to society’s enhancement." The vocabulary used is sufficient for communication, but it lacks the sophistication and precision expected for higher bands. Some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "meet up with his students" and "a mass of unemployed workers who only know how to use technology," contribute to occasional inaccuracies.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on incorporating a wider range of vocabulary with more precise and accurate word choices. Additionally, attention to collocation and idiomatic expressions would enhance fluency and flexibility in conveying ideas. Reviewing and correcting errors in word choice and formation will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and while there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely reduce communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are notable mistakes that affect the overall clarity and precision of expression. For instance, there are issues with sentence structure ("teachers nowadays are more likely to meet up with his students") and punctuation ("Furthermore , improving the technological devices which will make contributions to society’s enhancement"). Additionally, there is a repetition of points and ideas, and the essay lacks a smooth flow between paragraphs.

How to Improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures, ensuring subject-verb agreement, and improving punctuation. Careful proofreading is necessary to eliminate errors and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a more organized structure with clear transitions between ideas. Varying vocabulary and avoiding unnecessary repetition can also contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s era, a growing number of individuals are gravitating towards subjects related to technology, often overlooking traditional science disciplines. While pursuing knowledge in technology-related fields offers certain advantages, I am inclined to believe that the drawbacks are more pronounced.

On the positive side, the rapid advancements in technology have naturally attracted individuals towards subjects centered around technological devices. Firstly, engaging in educational programs focused on technology equips people with essential skills in the digital realm. Moreover, contributing to the enhancement of technological devices positively impacts societal progress. Secondly, delving into computer-based subjects opens up avenues for career growth, given the increasing demand for innovation in response to technological changes. For instance, contemporary teaching methods often involve virtual classrooms, emphasizing the relevance of technology-related skills. Consequently, individuals pursuing technology-related subjects stand to enjoy a quality life and lucrative salaries, with ample opportunities in workplaces valuing their technological expertise.

Conversely, an exclusive focus on technology-oriented learning can have adverse effects on the overall workforce and the educational curriculum. Firstly, there is a prevalent trend among young people to favor subjects related to technological devices, potentially sidelining other valuable disciplines such as physics, biology, and mathematics. This shift leads to a scarcity of learners in these traditional subjects, resulting in a deficit of theoretical knowledge in these domains. Secondly, as more students graduate from technology programs, the job market becomes increasingly competitive in this specific field. This surplus of technology specialists may lead to unemployment among those who exclusively possess technological skills. Consequently, other essential occupations like doctors, engineers, and sanitation workers may face a shortage of skilled workers, creating an imbalance in society.

In conclusion, the current inclination towards technology-related interests, coupled with a lack of motivation in other educational fields, can yield both positive and negative consequences. However, I am inclined to believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, emphasizing the need for a balanced educational approach that encompasses a broad spectrum of subjects.

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