For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Nowadays there are an increasing number of people believe that they contribute to work with a simple aim to gain salaries. But some individuals reckon that they find a job not only get a huge money. In my opinion, i strongly agree that people need to hard-working for receiving money because this help people to solve some issues like housing problem and traveling.
On the one hand, the primary beneficial of working hard are tackling deprived house and traveling. Firstly about housing problem, it is one of the most serious issues that the government faces. The reason for a straggling number of people who down and out are jobs, they don't have salaries for a long time so they can not afford rent a small house to live. For example, In Viet Nam there are a lot of people go to work but they always get a small money that force them to leave their job, sell their house and become the shipper. Furthermore people have worked so hard in recent years to avoid the future that they do not have house. Another benefit is about entertainment, people always want to relax after the stressful year but if they don't have money they can not visit anywhere. it is the main reason why people are working-hard all years just to have a money and they can spend their time with their family. The happier they have the more motivation they will have on job after
On the other hand, the negative of this trend need to be acknowledged, Salary is very important but it is not helpful if people who find a job with the goal to get a recognition or for their hobby, they will do this job for all their determine. In addition, this kind of person want to get something that can be saving for a long time like materials reward or certification. For instance, in a sport, when the player win the match and become a champion, the first thing they expect that the trophy which is name of the time and their dedication, sport player don't need the prize which associate with money because they gain it though a advertisement contract or engineer job outside sport.
In summary, although there are some negative points of doing with only money, i always follow the statement that people need to focus on salary. Because it can solve housing problem with make the government tired and boost worker energy to job after they have a reducing stressful time

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays there are an increasing number of people believe" -> "Increasingly, many people believe"
Explanation: The phrase "Nowadays there are an increasing number of people believe" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Increasingly, many people believe" corrects the grammar and streamlines the sentence for a more formal academic tone.
"contribute to work with a simple aim to gain salaries" -> "engage in work with the sole aim of earning salaries"
Explanation: "Contribute to work" is vague and incorrect. "Engage in work" is more precise and appropriate for formal writing. Additionally, "sole aim of earning" is more formal than "simple aim to gain."
"i strongly agree" -> "I strongly agree"
Explanation: Capitalization of the first letter of the pronoun "I" is necessary for proper grammatical structure in formal writing.
"people need to hard-working for receiving money" -> "people must work hard to earn money"
Explanation: "Hard-working" is not a verb form and is incorrectly used here. "Work hard" is the correct verb phrase, and "earn" is more precise than "receiving" in this context.
"this help people to solve some issues like housing problem" -> "this helps people to address issues such as housing problems"
Explanation: "This help" is grammatically incorrect; "this helps" is the correct form. "Address" is more formal than "solve," and "issues such as" is more precise than "like."
"a straggling number of people who down and out" -> "a significant number of people who are down and out"
Explanation: "Straggling" is not the correct term here; "significant" is more appropriate. Also, "who are down and out" is grammatically correct.
"they don’t have salaries for a long time" -> "they do not receive salaries for an extended period"
Explanation: "Do not receive salaries for an extended period" is more formal and precise than "don’t have salaries for a long time."
"they can not afford rent a small house to live" -> "they cannot afford to rent a small house"
Explanation: "Can not" should be "cannot" for grammatical correctness, and "to rent a small house" is the correct prepositional phrase.
"people always want to relax after the stressful year" -> "people always seek to relax after a stressful year"
Explanation: "Seek to relax" is more formal than "want to relax," and "a stressful year" is grammatically correct.
"they can not visit anywhere" -> "they cannot visit anywhere"
Explanation: "Can not" should be "cannot" for grammatical correctness.
"working-hard all years just to have a money" -> "working hard all year just to earn money"
Explanation: "Working-hard" is incorrect; "working hard" is the correct form. Also, "all years" should be "all year" for grammatical accuracy.
"the happier they have the more motivation they will have on job after" -> "the happier they are, the more motivated they will be at work"
Explanation: "The happier they have" is awkward and incorrect; "the happier they are" is grammatically correct. "More motivated they will be at work" is clearer and more formal than "more motivation they will have on job after."
"Salary is very important but it is not helpful if people who find a job with the goal to get a recognition or for their hobby" -> "Salary is crucial, but it is not sufficient if individuals seek a job solely for recognition or as a hobby"
Explanation: "Crucial" is more formal than "very important," and "sufficient" is more precise than "helpful." "Individuals seek a job solely for recognition or as a hobby" is clearer and more formal than "people who find a job with the goal to get a recognition or for their hobby."
"they will do this job for all their determine" -> "they will do this job for all their determination"
Explanation: "Determine" is a noun and should be "determination" to match the context.
"this kind of person want to get something that can be saving for a long time" -> "this type of person wants to acquire something that can be saved for a long time"
Explanation: "This kind of person want" should be "this type of person wants" for grammatical correctness. "Acquire" is more formal than "get," and "can be saved" is grammatically correct.
"sport player don’t need the prize which associate with money" -> "sports players do not need prizes associated with money"
Explanation: "Sport player" should

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons people work hard, particularly focusing on monetary gain. It presents both sides of the argument, acknowledging that some individuals may work for reasons beyond just earning money. However, the response lacks depth in exploring the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement. For instance, while the author states a strong agreement, the supporting arguments are somewhat limited and do not fully explore the nuances of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly outline the extent of their agreement or disagreement. This could involve providing a more balanced discussion that weighs the importance of money against other motivations for work. Including specific examples or studies that illustrate varying motivations for work could also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position is stated clearly in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the clarity of the position is sometimes undermined by the introduction of counterarguments that are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of individuals who work for recognition or personal fulfillment is relevant but lacks sufficient elaboration and connection to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. Clearly delineating sections of the essay dedicated to supporting the main argument versus discussing counterarguments would help in maintaining focus. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument after presenting counterpoints can help clarify the author’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the necessity of earning money through hard work, such as housing and entertainment. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For example, the point about housing is introduced but not fully explored, lacking specific examples or data to support the claims made.
- How to improve: The author should aim to expand on key points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. Incorporating statistics or studies about the relationship between work and financial stability could provide a stronger foundation for the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each point is clearly linked back to the main thesis will enhance coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons for working hard and the importance of salary. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the second paragraph when discussing entertainment and personal fulfillment. This could confuse the reader regarding the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of why people work hard. It may be helpful to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall argument. Additionally, avoiding tangents that do not directly support the thesis will help keep the essay on track.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper exploration of ideas, more robust support for claims, and improved coherence throughout the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the reasons people work hard, with a division between the benefits of working for money and the acknowledgment of alternative motivations. However, the organization could be improved. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs contain relevant ideas but sometimes jump between concepts without clear transitions, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the transition from discussing housing issues to entertainment feels abrupt and could be better connected.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea being discussed. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, using linking phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" to guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas (housing problems and entertainment) without clear separation, making it difficult for the reader to grasp the main point. The second body paragraph also lacks a clear focus, as it discusses motivations for work but does not clearly connect back to the main argument about working for money.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. Consider breaking the first body paragraph into two: one focused on housing issues and the other on entertainment. This will allow for deeper exploration of each point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear concluding sentence that summarizes the main idea and links it back to the thesis.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to structure the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and could be more varied. For instance, phrases like "for example" and "in addition" are repeated, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Consequently," "As a result," and "In contrast." This will help to create a more fluid reading experience. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, using cohesive devices to clarify relationships between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "deprived house," "entertainment," and "recognition." However, the range is limited, and many phrases are repetitive or awkwardly constructed. For instance, the phrase "working-hard all years" is not idiomatic and could be expressed more naturally. Additionally, terms like "huge money" and "small money" lack sophistication and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex expressions. For example, instead of "huge money," consider using "substantial income" or "significant financial rewards." Reading a variety of texts and noting advanced vocabulary can help broaden lexical choices.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "the primary beneficial of working hard" should be "the primary benefit of working hard." Additionally, "the straggling number of people who down and out are jobs" is unclear and awkward; it would be more precise to say "the increasing number of people who are unemployed." The use of "this kind of person" is vague and could be more specific.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by practicing paraphrasing and ensuring that word choices fit the context. Utilizing a thesaurus can also aid in finding more suitable words.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" (should be "I"), "beneficial" (should be "benefit"), and "need to be acknowledged" (should be "needs to be acknowledged"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling commonly used words can also be beneficial. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use a range of vocabulary, improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Engaging in regular reading and writing practice, along with targeted vocabulary exercises, will significantly aid in enhancing lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, many sentences are simple or compound, such as "But some individuals reckon that they find a job not only get a huge money." This sentence lacks complexity and contains grammatical errors, such as the missing infinitive "to" before "get." Additionally, the use of phrases like "the primary beneficial of working hard are tackling deprived house and traveling" indicates awkward structure and incorrect word choice.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences. For instance, using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although many people work hard for money, others find fulfillment in their jobs") can add depth. Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences will also diversify the writing style. Engaging with varied sentence starters and lengths can create a more engaging flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For example, "i strongly agree that people need to hard-working" should be "I strongly agree that people need to work hard," correcting both capitalization and verb form. The phrase "the primary beneficial of working hard are tackling deprived house" contains subject-verb agreement errors and incorrect word forms. Additionally, punctuation is inconsistent, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which affects readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and the correct use of articles. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing writing exercises can help solidify these concepts. For punctuation, the writer should practice identifying where commas are needed, especially in compound sentences or when introducing clauses. Reading well-structured essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on writing will aid in developing these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Nowadays, an increasing number of people believe that they engage in work with the sole aim of earning salaries. However, some individuals argue that they seek jobs not only to earn a substantial income. In my opinion, I strongly agree that people must work hard to earn money because this helps them address issues such as housing problems and travel.

On the one hand, the primary benefits of working hard include tackling housing issues and enabling travel. Regarding housing problems, it is one of the most serious challenges that governments face. A significant number of people who are down and out struggle to find jobs, and they do not receive salaries for an extended period, which means they cannot afford to rent even a small house. For example, in Vietnam, many people work but earn only a small amount, forcing them to leave their jobs, sell their homes, and become shippers. Furthermore, people have worked diligently in recent years to avoid a future where they do not have a place to live. Another benefit is related to entertainment; people always seek to relax after a stressful year, but if they do not have money, they cannot visit anywhere. This is the main reason why people are working hard all year just to earn money so they can spend quality time with their families. The happier they are, the more motivated they will be at work afterward.

On the other hand, the negatives of this trend need to be acknowledged. Salary is crucial, but it is not sufficient if individuals seek a job solely for recognition or as a hobby; they will do this job with all their determination. Additionally, this type of person wants to acquire something that can be saved for a long time, such as material rewards or certifications. For instance, in sports, when a player wins a match and becomes a champion, the first thing they expect is the trophy that represents their dedication and the name of their team. Sports players do not need prizes associated with money because they often gain income through advertising contracts or engineering jobs outside of sports.

In summary, although there are some negative aspects of focusing solely on money, I firmly believe that people need to prioritize salary. This can help solve housing problems, alleviate the burden on the government, and boost workers’ energy after a stressful period.