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For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is argued that parents do not exert as much influence on the intelligence and social development of schoolchildren as their teachers do. Personally, I agree with this opinion as teachers are able to expose children to different fields of knowledge and encourage them to develop in a group setting.

Granted, it is true to a certain extent that children look set to be influenced by those who have raised them; however, schoolchildren’s knowledge could be mainly restricted within that of their parents if explicitly exposed to their fathers and mothers. On the other hand, school settings in which interactions among youngsters and teachers are facilitated, offer a broad range of knowledge. In these places, children can learn about a wide variety of subjects from lessons delivered by their educators, which broadens their understanding of the world much more significantly when compared to being taught by their parents.

Another point to consider is that schoolchildren are provided with opportunities to cultivate interpersonal skills, and in turn, social development. To be specific, teachers can organise groups in classrooms and encourage interactions between those children. Hence, they are exposed to their peers whose socio-economic backgrounds are diverse. Such exposures, which are absent in family settings, can further help youngsters gain a better insight into society as these interactions bear a strong resemblance to real-life situations. For example, during teamwork projects assigned by their teachers, they will also learn how to communicate effectively with these different types of classmates in order to cooperate to accomplish mutual goals, ultimately honing social skills such as communication and collaboration.

In conclusion, it is apparent that teachers could be more influential to schoolchildren’s intelligence and social development than their parents.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "exert as much influence on" -> "exert as substantial influence over"
    Explanation: Replacing "exert as much influence on" with "exert as substantial influence over" adds formality and emphasizes the significant impact teachers have on schoolchildren’s intelligence and social development.

  2. "Personally, I agree with this opinion" -> "Personally, I concur with this viewpoint"
    Explanation: Substituting "I agree with this opinion" with "I concur with this viewpoint" introduces a more formal synonym for agreement, aligning with academic style.

  3. "look set to be influenced by" -> "are poised to be influenced by"
    Explanation: Changing "look set to be influenced by" to "are poised to be influenced by" maintains a formal tone and enhances the precision of expression.

  4. "mainly restricted within that of their parents" -> "largely confined to that of their parents"
    Explanation: Replacing "mainly restricted within that of their parents" with "largely confined to that of their parents" contributes to a more polished and nuanced vocabulary, maintaining formality.

  5. "interactions among youngsters and teachers" -> "interactions between students and teachers"
    Explanation: Substituting "interactions among youngsters and teachers" with "interactions between students and teachers" simplifies the phrase without compromising formality, ensuring clarity.

  6. "broadens their understanding of the world much more significantly" -> "significantly enhances their comprehension of the world"
    Explanation: Changing "broadens their understanding of the world much more significantly" to "significantly enhances their comprehension of the world" offers a more precise and academically appropriate expression.

  7. "provided with opportunities to cultivate" -> "afforded opportunities to foster"
    Explanation: Replacing "provided with opportunities to cultivate" with "afforded opportunities to foster" elevates the language and maintains a formal tone, while emphasizing the active role of schoolchildren in their own development.

  8. "in turn, social development" -> "thereby fostering social development"
    Explanation: Substituting "in turn, social development" with "thereby fostering social development" enhances the linkage between opportunities and outcomes, contributing to a more sophisticated expression.

  9. "encourage interactions between those children" -> "facilitate interactions among the students"
    Explanation: Changing "encourage interactions between those children" to "facilitate interactions among the students" simplifies the sentence while maintaining a formal tone and improving clarity.

  10. "as these interactions bear a strong resemblance to" -> "since these interactions closely parallel"
    Explanation: Replacing "as these interactions bear a strong resemblance to" with "since these interactions closely parallel" offers a more refined expression while preserving the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the opposing viewpoint that parents play a significant role in a child’s development but convincingly argues in favor of the teacher’s greater influence. The explanation is clear and supported by examples, such as the limitation of parental influence compared to the broader exposure provided in a school setting.
    • How to improve: The essay excels in addressing all parts of the question. To enhance this aspect further, consider including a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint in the introduction to provide a more balanced overview.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing that teachers have more influence on schoolchildren’s intelligence and social development than parents. The position is evident in the thesis statement and consistently supported in each paragraph.
    • How to improve: Continue to reinforce the clear position by explicitly restating the thesis in the conclusion to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Each paragraph is well-developed, offering specific examples and reasoning to support the thesis. For instance, the mention of the diverse socio-economic backgrounds of classmates and the teamwork projects enriches the discussion on social development.
    • How to improve: Consider providing even more depth by expanding on the potential drawbacks or limitations of parental influence to further strengthen your argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, maintaining a focus on the influence of teachers versus parents on schoolchildren’s intelligence and social development. There are no significant deviations or tangential discussions.
    • How to improve: To enhance coherence, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence is directly aligned with the central theme of teacher influence versus parental influence.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting a clear position throughout. To further improve, consider minor adjustments to enhance balance in the introduction, explicitly restate the thesis in the conclusion, provide more depth in supporting ideas, and ensure each paragraph directly aligns with the central theme. Overall, a well-crafted response deserving of the Band Score 8.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. The introduction presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph follows a coherent structure, developing a specific aspect of the argument logically. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the limitation of parental influence, while the second body paragraph focuses on the benefits of teacher influence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider strengthening the link between paragraphs. While the essay maintains a good overall structure, smoother transitions between ideas can be achieved by using transition words or phrases. For example, you can use phrases like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" to connect related points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of thoughts. The first paragraph introduces the idea of limited parental influence, while the second paragraph delves into the advantages of teacher influence. The conclusion neatly summarizes the key points.
    • How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, consider varying sentence structures within each paragraph. This variation can add richness to the writing and make it more engaging. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains sufficient supporting details and examples to fully develop the presented ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices effectively. Transition words such as "Granted," "On the other hand," and "Another point to consider" guide the reader through different points in the argument. Pronouns like "they" and "these" maintain coherence by referring back to previously mentioned concepts.
    • How to improve: While the essay already uses cohesive devices well, consider incorporating more varied vocabulary and synonyms for cohesive phrases to add sophistication to the writing. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," you can interchangeably use terms like "youngsters" or "students" to avoid redundancy.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. To elevate the score further, focus on refining the transitions between paragraphs, diversifying sentence structures within each paragraph, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices for added fluency.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words, but some repetition is noticeable. For instance, the repeated use of "schoolchildren" and "parents" could be diversified with synonyms or alternative expressions. Additionally, while the essay covers the topic adequately, there is room for more varied and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical resource.

    • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider employing synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of consistently using "schoolchildren," consider alternatives like "students" or "young learners." Introduce more diverse vocabulary related to intelligence and social development, avoiding repetitive use of phrases.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where expressions could be more precise. For example, the phrase "look set to be influenced" might be clarified for more precision. Also, the essay could benefit from using more specific terms to describe the types of knowledge acquired in school versus at home.

    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by choosing more specific terms. Instead of "look set to be influenced," consider alternatives like "appear inclined to be affected." Also, when distinguishing knowledge gained at school versus at home, use more precise language to convey the nuances of each environment.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with no major spelling errors noted. However, there are a few instances where word choice could be refined for clarity, such as in the phrase "which broadens their understanding of the world much more significantly." While spelling is accurate, the sentence structure could be improved for better clarity.

    • How to improve: Continue to focus on accurate spelling, and also pay attention to sentence structure for clarity. In the example mentioned, consider revising the sentence to improve readability, such as "expanding their understanding of the world more significantly."

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an acceptable level of vocabulary use and spelling accuracy, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Employing more diverse vocabulary and refining sentence structures can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional structures, and examples. For instance, the essay effectively uses phrases like "Granted, it is true to a certain extent," showcasing a willingness to experiment with diverse structures.
    • How to improve: While the essay displays a reasonable variety of structures, introducing more complex sentence structures, such as inversion or more intricate conditional constructions, could further enhance the depth and sophistication of the essay. Consider incorporating a wider range of sentence types to elevate the overall quality.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The grammar and punctuation in the essay are generally accurate. However, there are a few instances where clarity could be improved. For example, in the sentence "Granted, it is true to a certain extent that children look set to be influenced," the use of "look set" may be a bit unclear. Additionally, the sentence "Such exposures, which are absent in family settings, can further help youngsters gain a better insight into society as these interactions bear a strong resemblance to real-life situations" could be clearer with a slight rephrase.
    • How to improve: Careful attention to sentence structure and phrasing can enhance clarity. Consider rephrasing sentences that might be ambiguous for a smoother flow. Proofreading for precision and coherence can further refine the essay. Additionally, while the essay generally uses punctuation accurately, paying close attention to the use of commas in complex sentences can contribute to better clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. To enhance the score, focus on incorporating more intricate sentence structures and refining the clarity of expression through careful proofreading and phrasing adjustments.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that parents do not exert as substantial influence over the intelligence and social development of schoolchildren as their teachers do. Personally, I concur with this viewpoint as teachers are poised to be influential, exposing children to diverse knowledge and fostering their development within a group setting.

Certainly, it is true to a certain extent that children are poised to be influenced by those who have raised them; however, the knowledge of schoolchildren could be largely confined to that of their parents if explicitly exposed only to their fathers and mothers. On the contrary, school settings, where interactions between students and teachers are facilitated, offer a broad range of knowledge. In these places, children can learn about a wide variety of subjects from lessons delivered by their educators, significantly enhancing their comprehension of the world when compared to being taught solely by their parents.

Another noteworthy aspect is that schoolchildren are afforded opportunities to foster interpersonal skills and, thereby, foster social development. To be specific, teachers can organize groups in classrooms and facilitate interactions among students. Hence, they are exposed to their peers whose socio-economic backgrounds are diverse. Such exposures, largely absent in family settings, can further help youngsters gain a better insight into society, as these interactions closely parallel real-life situations. For instance, during teamwork projects assigned by their teachers, they will also learn how to communicate effectively with these different types of classmates to cooperate in accomplishing mutual goals, ultimately honing social skills such as communication and collaboration.

In conclusion, it is apparent that teachers are poised to exert a more influential role in schoolchildren’s intelligence and social development than their parents.

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